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Old 07-06-2005, 09:29 AM   #1
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What's A Friend To Do... Part III

Hi Everyone,
The guardian closed the previous thread because it was too long, so here we continue on our journey...the goal being twofold. First, to help bring understanding to the feelings associated with unemployment. Secondly, the goal of gaining employment.
I am going to paste the last several posts on this thread, as it so clearly adresses the feelings a wife deals with when her husband is unemployed. For those of you that have been following the previous thread, if you see only part of the last several posts, would you please copy and paste your responses to Part III, so that anyone new will get a sense of what we are discussing.
Snails and Goody, your comments were wonderful. I am very sure that it will help Heartland to understand us women! Heartland, you know you are in our thoughts and we want only the best outcome for you and the Mrs. I'm sure you will have alot to absorb after reading the last several posts on Part II. I pray that it gives you great understanding and compassion for your wife and serves as a catalyst for achieving goal II. We all care about you very much!

Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 07-06-2005 at 09:30 AM.

 
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Old 07-06-2005, 10:27 AM   #2
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Re: What's A Friend To Do... Part III

Thank you , Blue, for being so proactive in starting a new thread.


Blue, Stacy and Goody, thank you for your wonderful replies in the preceding thread. As I started seeing your replies coming in yesterday, I softened my heart (lowered my shields) and we resolved this incident. While the stress from the uncertainty of when and where I’ll find my next job remains, we have reunified.

In times of stress, my wife and I commonly communicate less about a problem to avoid arguments and, in this case, that “strategy” backfired. While my wife was upset at me last week, she wasn’t this week. The trigger this week was a misunderstanding. She was using the computer on the side table to my desk and spilled her glass of tea on some of my papers, including an employment section from a Sunday newspaper that she later opened on the floor to dry. Many weeks, I save the employment advice feature that precedes the jobs listing. As I walked in and noted that the paper was wet, she told me without looking away from the monitor that it’s “no big deal” since I wouldn’t be using it. I assumed she meant I wouldn’t use the advice feature and that she was coldly dissing my job search methods. I immediately left the room angry and avoided talking to her for the rest of the day and slept on the couch.

After reading several replies yesterday and noting she was quite sweet after coming home, I gave her a hug and sensed she was confused about the previous day. At supper, I finally mentioned that I felt very hurt that she thought I wouldn’t use the employment advice features I had collected. She was stunned. She said she spilled on the job listings portion and since they were two weeks old, she saw it as no big deal. After a bit, we got quite a laugh out of that misunderstanding and shared a big hug. Without the help of my friends here, I would have stewed over her “lack of respect” for me for days before discovering the misunderstanding. Thank you so much.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Snails
Remember not to make any assumptions about what she's feeling unless you hear things directly from her...the worst thing for women who are feeling scared, vulnerable, and in need of reassurance is to have her man respond by feeling scolded, hanging his head, and retreating from her. We sometimes act distant or irritated because we want our men to console us, ask us what's wrong, take care of us, and just basically comfort us and try to make it all better.
All of you shared this concept and it clearly illustrates how doubt can cause us to pull away from our SO. It’s commonly said that women cherish a man’s love most while a man cherishes her respect most. Whether you agree with that statement or not, I think it’s true all of us tend to pull away from our SO when we sense a loss of what we cherish most. While it makes sense to comfort someone we see in pain, doubt and pulling away don’t seem to provide the same sensation. In the latter situations, it seems intuitive to me to step back for a bit to let things settle down and then reevaluate what is really going on. That is what I did in this case and I must say at least I didn’t make things worst by immediately starting an argument that would probably include words I would regret saying. Does anyone have any thoughts on how to handle these situations better when emotions run high and logic is nonexistent?


Blue, your posts have an additional quality that I find quite wonderful. Somehow, you routinely dispense tranquility along with your thoughts. Most people who add religious undertones to their message seem to draw more attention to their undertones than their message. You consistently blend the two so perfectly that it all seems completely natural. To me, it says you aren’t controlled by your religious beliefs; instead, your religious beliefs are totally consistent with your lifestyle and as natural to you as breathing. Overall, you project an image of tenderness and toughness that is enviable. Thank you for your wonderful support.

Stacy and Goody, I know you two are always watching over me and will always speak up at just the right moments. You’ll never fully understand how much I appreciate that and your friendships. Humans always have moments of doubt in themselves, their loved ones and possibly their Creator. Friends like the three of you fill those gaps with hope and sometimes joy. Thank you.

 
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Old 07-06-2005, 11:12 AM   #3
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Re: What's A Friend To Do... Part III

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartlandguy
After a bit, we got quite a laugh out of that misunderstanding and shared a big hug. Without the help of my friends here, I would have stewed over her “lack of respect” for me for days before discovering the misunderstanding.
Wow, Heartland....it's amazing, as you so clearly point out, how even after knowing our spouses and SO's for so long that we can still fall into the trap of misinterpretations and misunderstandings with one another. I have a feeling that I may have fallen into a similar trap with Tom just last night and your post definitely opens my eyes to that possibility . Anyway...I am glad that you and Mrs. H. were able to work quickly through this.....just goes to show how improtant it is to articulate our feelings to our SO's as we all are learning together here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartlandguy
It’s commonly said that women cherish a man’s love most while a man cherishes her respect most. Whether you agree with that statement or not, I think it’s true all of us tend to pull away from our SO when we sense a loss of what we cherish most. While it makes sense to comfort someone we see in pain, doubt and pulling away don’t seem to provide the same sensation. In the latter situations, it seems intuitive to me to step back for a bit to let things settle down and then reevaluate what is really going on. That is what I did in this case and I must say at least I didn’t make things worst by immediately starting an argument that would probably include words I would regret saying. Does anyone have any thoughts on how to handle these situations better when emotions run high and logic is nonexistent?
I am hoping that we will come to a solution to this together, my friend, since I am wondering this myself. However, I think that you may provide us with the tools in order to do so in your own quote. I agree that we all tend to pull away whether it be to gain better perspective but in my case it is usually because I am hurt or offended and need Tom to pull me back in. However, that seldom happens. Like last night....I turned away from him in bed and physicaly moved myself to furthest edge of my side of the bed. This was after I said something referring my "retreating" from a problem in a particular way and I so needed him to come closer and reassure me that he was going to work through the issue with me. And still the issue lingers....in fact I have a feeling that he doesn't even know that an issue exists!!! Anyway....what I am trying to say is that I think that we often misread one another when emotions run high....perhaps we need to come up with a cue of some sort....like "timeout" and a hand signal like the refs make on the football fields. We might need to come up with a 10 minute policy in which we reunite and reflect back our interpretation of what just happened from each one's point of view. I am often guilty of retreating with my tail between my legs and not coming back to discuss it awaiting Tom's intitiation of working it through and then it just gets worse because he fails to do so and which only leads to more disappointment. We've gotten better about this but there are times that it still does happen. Tom & I have a "did you make eye contact" policy when we find that somehow we didn't recall hearing the other having said something. We often laugh about that together too.

Bottom line is I think that we have to realize that there is often alot of room for misinterpretations and misunderstandings and the quicker we can translate our views of what occurred to one another the better we can prevent/avoid future occurrences of the same.


Just glad that you're back in your Leos den, my friend And I agree....men & women do cherish different things in one another....I guess it's time for Goody to work on having Tom see that he still holds my deepest respect. I guess that may have to come in the form of his favorite meal tonite before he leaves on his weeklong trip Can a woman restore respect in the form of food??? Heartland since you're a man....I await your response.

~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 07-06-2005 at 11:18 AM.

 
Old 07-06-2005, 12:56 PM   #4
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Re: What's A Friend To Do... Part III

Quote:
Originally Posted by goody2shuz
Can a woman restore respect in the form of food??? Heartland since you're a man....I await your response.
My answer to your question is no. To me, such attempts seem like ways to avoid giving real respect. Love and respect can only be given directly, not on a platter or via a pet project. There is no substitute for the real thing.

After thinking about this a bit, I realized that SOs must show each other on a regular basis that they love and respect their partner more than their own pride. That ability in both partners is golden. Funny how we lose our pride so quickly when we begin to miss our SO.

BTW… good food is just “gravy”.

 
Old 07-07-2005, 09:21 AM   #5
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Re: What's A Friend To Do... Part III

Quote:
Originally Posted by goody2shuz
Wow, Heartland....it's amazing, as you so clearly point out, how even after knowing our spouses and SO's for so long that we can still fall into the trap of misinterpretations and misunderstandings with one another. I have a feeling that I may have fallen into a similar trap with Tom just last night and your post definitely opens my eyes to that possibility . Anyway...I am glad that you and Mrs. H. were able to work quickly through this.....just goes to show how improtant it is to articulate our feelings to our SO's as we all are learning together here.

I am hoping that we will come to a solution to this together, my friend, since I am wondering this myself. However, I think that you may provide us with the tools in order to do so in your own quote. I agree that we all tend to pull away whether it be to gain better perspective but in my case it is usually because I am hurt or offended and need Tom to pull me back in. However, that seldom happens. Like last night....I turned away from him in bed and physicaly moved myself to furthest edge of my side of the bed. This was after I said something referring my "retreating" from a problem in a particular way and I so needed him to come closer and reassure me that he was going to work through the issue with me. And still the issue lingers....in fact I have a feeling that he doesn't even know that an issue exists!!! Anyway....what I am trying to say is that I think that we often misread one another when emotions run high....perhaps we need to come up with a cue of some sort....like "timeout" and a hand signal like the refs make on the football fields. We might need to come up with a 10 minute policy in which we reunite and reflect back our interpretation of what just happened from each one's point of view. I am often guilty of retreating with my tail between my legs and not coming back to discuss it awaiting Tom's intitiation of working it through and then it just gets worse because he fails to do so and which only leads to more disappointment. We've gotten better about this but there are times that it still does happen. Tom & I have a "did you make eye contact" policy when we find that somehow we didn't recall hearing the other having said something. We often laugh about that together too.

Bottom line is I think that we have to realize that there is often alot of room for misinterpretations and misunderstandings and the quicker we can translate our views of what occurred to one another the better we can prevent/avoid future occurrences of the same.


Just glad that you're back in your Leos den, my friend And I agree....men & women do cherish different things in one another....I guess it's time for Goody to work on having Tom see that he still holds my deepest respect. I guess that may have to come in the form of his favorite meal tonite before he leaves on his weeklong trip Can a woman restore respect in the form of food??? Heartland since you're a man....I await your response.

~ Goody

HI GOODY!!!
How are you this morning? How was your dinner last night? Did you recapture the romance? Although you may not have been able to restore respect, I think you probably scored some big points!!! What did you make by the way?
I hope everything was forgotten and forgiven before Tom left on his trip.
How are you? I hope your not feeling lonely. What exciting things do you have planned this next week while he is gone?
I hope you have a wonderful week with your youngest daughter.
Love,
Blue

 
Old 07-07-2005, 11:08 AM   #6
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Re: What's A Friend To Do... Part III

Quote:
Originally Posted by BLUE EYED LADY
I wish I could figure out what the obstacle is. I am pretty sure it is pride.
It certainly could be pride but there are other concerns worth considering. I think I already mentioned a newspaper article about employment that suggested not taking an interim job if it interfered with finding a permanent one. Flexible jobs and part time jobs are the best interim jobs when vigorously seeking a job.

Quote:
As far as your question about how to handle situations when emotions run high and logic is nonexistent, I think the answer lies in doing what is best for the relationship.

And it is vital, that we sleep in the same bed!!!
Of course, you are right. Doing what’s best for the relationship should be our guiding light BUT "sleeping in the same bed” can be abused, too. Years ago, my wife frequently saved up her frustrations until bedtime and then dumped them upon me. She knew we wouldn’t make up before we went to sleep and she did that to frustrate me. Walking out of the bedroom was my only peaceful option. Soon, we agreed not to bring up problems in the bedroom and I didn’t have to resort to sleeping on the couch very often. I still need to take the couch on the occasions where she sighs and snorts her disapproval of me while lying in bed. In my view, using the couch on those occasions saves me from having an ulcer.

Blue, my wife and I just don’t seem to have the ability or the will to resolve an argument before bedtime. For our smaller arguments, we go to sleep on them and they are “forgotten” once we awake. For a significant argument, it may take a day or two until we hash out our feelings, usually at suppertime, and then move on. This process has been the least painful way for us to accept each other’s imperfections because it keeps angry words to a minimum. In a way, it is a bit like your suggestion to “take a step back to reflect”. About once a year, I might pray to ask if He wishes me to join Him quickly to spare me from my pain. Fortunately, He has never taken me up on my offer. Good thing He has a great sense of humor.

Quote:
Also, please keep me posted on your efforts in trying to find a job. We are on this journey together.
I just found two new job openings. (One of the openings is with a company that turned me down a month or two ago for a similar job. ) Thanks for your support.

 
Old 07-07-2005, 06:19 PM   #7
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Re: What's A Friend To Do... Part III

Heartland, I am so glad that you and your wife are back to being two happy little peas in a pod . I'm not surprised that it didn't take long, as it sounds like you have a very smart approach to avoiding unnecessary arguments while still successfully resolving conflicts. As always, I wish you the very best of luck with your job search, and the same to Mr. Blue. Blue and Goody, you guys are also incredibly blessed to have as strong marriages as you do with men who absolutely adore you. I'm sorry you're both going through rough patches right now, but it's abundantly clear that with your husbands' intense love and devotion to you, no obstacles can get in the way of your happy futures with your husbands. I wish I had better and more specific advice for particular marriage issues, but nothing is coming to mind at the time, so I'll just say again how happy I am to see all the love and support in all three of your marriages. I hope that the in law problems and job search end soon for all of you so you can get back to job #1--loving each other!

 
Old 07-07-2005, 07:10 PM   #8
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Re: What's A Friend To Do... Part III

Thank you Snails. You have a kind heart and a sweet spirit. (I think you sometimes in the past have tried to put on a tough shell, but deep down, I know your really a softee!!!)
I really hope you find someone that will make you happy forever. You may have found him already. We old married folks are watching to see!!
I hope the struggles that we have been through will help you in the future in your own marriage so that you will truly have a love that will last for a lifetime!
God Bless you Snails.
Love,
Blue

 
Old 07-07-2005, 07:28 PM   #9
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Re: What's A Friend To Do... Part III

No, thank YOU, Blue, lol!

It means more to me than I can describe to have such caring and supportive friends like you, Goody, Heartland, and all the sexy ladies who post on the online dating threads. I don't know how I would have made it through all the ups and downs over the last six months or so without your wise advice and willingness to listen without judging or criticizing me. It feels wonderful to be able to trust your always insightful input and know that I can rely on you guys to provide objective and accurate advice no matter what the situation...how did I get by in relationships without you guys, anyway? I especially am grateful for Blue, Heartland, Goody, and others to take time out of their busy lives to help encourage and advise me in my budding relationship with Justin when you all have so much going on yourselves. I only hope I have and can continue to be as good a friend to you guys as you have been to me--I know I will keep thinking of you guys often and wishing you all the best of luck with your job (and other relationship) issues. I know all of us are going to pull through these rough patches just fine, perhaps even stronger and wiser than ever before--remember that you always have good friends here to lean on, help keep everything in perspective, and remind us to appreciate all the wonderful relationships for which we have to be grateful. Best wishes to Mr. and Mrs. Heartland/Blue/Goody in getting your current obstacles resolved and moving on to enjoy the special bonds and love you share, which so many people would give anything to attain! Tough as things get at time, you are all really blessed, both in terms of those you love and in terms of your own inner strength and resiliance...that's how I know for sure that none of these external hassles will get in the way of you all being happy with your loving families .

 
Old 07-07-2005, 07:49 PM   #10
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Re: What's A Friend To Do... Part III

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartlandguy
It certainly could be pride but there are other concerns worth considering. I think I already mentioned a newspaper article about employment that suggested not taking an interim job if it interfered with finding a permanent one. Flexible jobs and part time jobs are the best interim jobs when vigorously seeking a job..
Hi Heartland. I need to ask you a question and please do not be upset with me for asking it. I am trying to pick your brain to help me understand my husband's thoughts and feelings. I have gathered from your previous posts that you have been out of a regularly paying job for quite some time, even longer than my husband. May I ask why you did not feel the need to get a part- time job while you were looking for steady source of income for your family? Did your wife want you to take a part-time or flexible job while you were looking? If not, what exactly does she say to you regarding the situation now? Doe she want you to get a part-time job? Since you and I are in the same boat, only in reverse places, I think we can really help each other understand our spouses. I hope you don't mind, it would mean the world to me if you could open up and really share with me how you have felt and how you are really feeling as you are going through this very difficult process of finding a job. Also, I really would like to know as much as you are willing to share regarding how your wife feels and what kind of things she has said to you. I think it would help me as I go through this. I don't know anyone else that is in this situation.


Quote:
Originally Posted by heartlandguy
Of course, you are right. Doing what’s best for the relationship should be our guiding light BUT "sleeping in the same bed” can be abused, too. Years ago, my wife frequently saved up her frustrations until bedtime and then dumped them upon me. She knew we wouldn’t make up before we went to sleep and she did that to frustrate me. Walking out of the bedroom was my only peaceful option. Soon, we agreed not to bring up problems in the bedroom and I didn’t have to resort to sleeping on the couch very often. I still need to take the couch on the occasions where she sighs and snorts her disapproval of me while lying in bed. In my view, using the couch on those occasions saves me from having an ulcer..

Do you really think she saved her frustrations to frustrate you? I think she may have not been able to stand the fact that you two were arguing and desperately wanted to resolve the conflict before bed. I find it interesting the way you interpreted the situation. Did she ever tell you she did this just to bother you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartlandguy
Blue, my wife and I just don’t seem to have the ability or the will to resolve an argument before bedtime. For our smaller arguments, we go to sleep on them and they are “forgotten” once we awake. For a significant argument, it may take a day or two until we hash out our feelings, usually at suppertime, and then move on. This process has been the least painful way for us to accept each other’s imperfections because it keeps angry words to a minimum. In a way, it is a bit like your suggestion to “take a step back to reflect”. About once a year, I might pray to ask if He wishes me to join Him quickly to spare me from my pain. Fortunately, He has never taken me up on my offer. Good thing He has a great sense of humor.
.
I am curious why do you think it takes a day or two to "hash out your feelings?" Do you both tend to get a little excited when you try to dixcuss things? Who do you feel is the calmer one in the marriage? Would you both answer the question the same way?
I really got a kick out of yout comment about your yearly prayer. Only, I have to confess, when I get really angry, it's not me that I pray will join our Lord sooner than later! I realized a long time ago that what better person to cry out my frustrations to than the one that made us!! He know my thoughts anyway, and I can't hide anything from Him!

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartlandguy
I just found two new job openings. (One of the openings is with a company that turned me down a month or two ago for a similar job. ) Thanks for your support.
Oh Heartland, I share in your frustration! Is the reason they turned you down because you are over-qualified? My husband called me at work to tell me that the owner that was so excited to get his resume told him today that he is way over-qualified for the job and will NOT even consider him.
This is so frustrating!!! I feel like my husband is a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. The last several several years, (when he was employed), he had jobs with fancy titles that usually require a BS and/or a MS degree. He just happened to get the job because he knew the people and they were confident he could do the job. Also, both organizations could not afford to pay someone with a degree what they really were entilted, so my husband took the jobs at relatively low salaries because he was just thrilled to be able to get the chance to do the job. He was able to do most of the job very well, however the writing portion I used to have to proof and often correct. Of course this added alot of additional stress onto my plate. I also have to proof read his school assignments and papers before he submits them in. (English is my husband's second language and his writing ability is his weakness. He often makes spelling errors and sometimes gramatical mistakes. He has dramatically improved over the years, but it is still a weakness.)
Anway. the point that I am trying to make is that I feel those titles he held in the last 2 jobs are actually hindering him from getting a job that he should get. Everyone is going to think he is over-qualified now. What in the world is he going to do??????

Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 07-07-2005 at 08:00 PM.

 
Old 07-07-2005, 10:19 PM   #11
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Re: What's A Friend To Do... Part III

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartlandguy
Of course, you are right. Doing what’s best for the relationship should be our guiding light BUT "sleeping in the same bed” can be abused, too. Years ago, my wife frequently saved up her frustrations until bedtime and then dumped them upon me. She knew we wouldn’t make up before we went to sleep and she did that to frustrate me. Walking out of the bedroom was my only peaceful option.
OMG....Heartland, I am afraid to say that I often do the same thing as Mrs. H. It must be a Leo thing in which we pounce on our mate when we lure them into our den. Hehehehehehe.......however, to correct your misinterpretation of this....I do not do it in an abusive way or to frustrate Tom. It's just that I cannot sleep with things unsettled whereas for some reason he can. Ironically enough when we were married and we wrote our own wedding vows...he had so wonderfully promised to "not let the sun go down with any wrath betwen us." I am convinced that he plagerized that part from somewhere because I can't tell you how many times he has broken that vow Unfortunately, Tom is one that falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow....and many a time this only makes matters worse when things are unresolved between us. I honestly need him to see that things are resolved before we go to sleep.....I have a feeling this may be the case with Mrs. H. too.

Stacy ~ Thanks for your support & love. You may think that you are lacking in advice but your loving support and posts have helped Goody and others here more than you know. We may be oldies but goodies in terms of our marriages and I personally love your support. I hope you know that.

Blue ~ You are an unbelievably amazing woman. I gather such comfort & strength in you and know that in my times of trouble that I can gain peace & wisdom from you and the way you love unconditionally. I know that you deserve the security you seek and pray that it comes soon. Being overqulified only makes me think that your husband may need to look for a job in a restaurant or the such that doesn't require a resume of course on a temporary basis. He may have to work several jobs until he finds one that he is qualified for. This goes for Heartland as well...it's not a forever thing but for the sake of providing security in a marriage one has to be willing to do just about anything which often means puting aside our pride. My dad did this and so can other wonderful men

Anyway....I am ending my day with a prayer. Thank you Lord for the friends that You have blessed us with, for a new day that you give us to do what we need to do to be better for You and others and for the gifts of love and faith that allow us to see You in the words and actions of others. May You bless each one of us with you peace and the wisdom to see Your will in all that we say or do.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody

 
Old 07-08-2005, 11:43 AM   #12
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Re: What's A Friend To Do... Part III

Quote:
Originally Posted by BLUE EYED LADY
May I ask why you did not feel the need to get a part- time job while you were looking for steady source of income for your family?
Until Goody posted about her best friend’s husband being out of work, my wife and I didn’t see me as being out of work since I was self-employed. I was looking for someone to partner with but Goody’s post was a clear sign to me that I’d been fooling myself.

Quote:
Did your wife want you to take a part-time or flexible job while you were looking? If not, what exactly does she say to you regarding the situation now?
She never mentioned a desire for me to seek part time employment since we don’t have a shortage of cash. Her reaction last week that I mentioned was that of an ostrich that just pulled its head out of the sand and panicked. Before last week, she felt something good would happen (like it always had) before we would seriously deplete our reserve. Last week, she lost that sense of security. We agree that the essentials in the bathroom must be finished (presumably this month) and then I spend as much time as possible on the job search. I think she fears the job search more than I do, because she fears the possibility of moving more than me. Not only does a move mean leaving most of our family behind but also losing her very secure job that provides excellent benefits.

Quote:
Since you and I are in the same boat, only in reverse places, I think we can really help each other understand our spouses. I hope you don't mind, it would mean the world to me if you could open up and really share with me how you have felt and how you are really feeling as you are going through this very difficult process of finding a job.
I agree with you and will tell you what I can. Like you, I don’t want to make very many of the details public information for fear of being identified locally. On several occasions, I’ve seen details about your situation that you’ve later removed so I consider that too risky for me to do. I hope you can appreciate that. Since my wife’s and my thoughts and feelings shouldn’t reveal our identities, I should be able to provide them to you as I have above.

Quote:
I really would like to know as much as you are willing to share regarding how your wife feels and what kind of things she has said to you. I think it would help me as I go through this. I don't know anyone else that is in this situation.
In addition to what I said before, we agree I’m on the right track and I know I have her respect yet. That is very important to me because I’m more motivated to do things for her than me. If your husband is the same way (and I’ve noticed many similarities between he and I), your respect is crucial to him. Without it, he will be torn between spending time to recapture it and searching for a job. I suggest asking him each workday about how the search is going and showing your respect for his efforts. If you feel the need to steer, be careful how you do it. A little bit can be good but too much will feel like you don’t respect his plans and efforts. Just give him every opportunity to make you proud of him.

Quote:
Do you really think she saved her frustrations to frustrate you? I think she may have not been able to stand the fact that you two were arguing and desperately wanted to resolve the conflict before bed. ……….. Did she ever tell you she did this just to bother you?
Blue and Goody, this stopped many years ago so I really don’t know if she explained her reasons for her actions. Please let me restate the situation. During the day, I had done things that irritated her but she never discussed these irritations until bedtime. There was neither an argument for us to resolve nor anything unsettled from my point of view until we went to bed! Once I recognized this pattern happening, I asked her to tell me about these irritations ASAP rather than saving them for bedtime because most were minor and easy to resolve. By holding these until bedtime, she spun me up emotionally at the end of a long day and denied me the opportunity to spin down and share an intimate moment with her. (No jokes about the use of the word moment! I used it figuratively. )

After repeatedly asking her to tell me ASAP about my transgressions without any success, I chose the couch over certain frustration. To this day, I consider the bedtime sneak attack as abuse and I have no remorse in avoiding the situation. Since actions speak louder than words, change ensued and bedtime has basically remained argument free.

Quote:
I am curious why do you think it takes a day or two to "hash out your feelings?" Do you both tend to get a little excited when you try to dixcuss things? Who do you feel is the calmer one in the marriage? Would you both answer the question the same way?
It doesn’t take a day or two to "hash out our feelings". For significant arguments, I’d say it takes a day or two to cool down enough to discuss things rationally. I think our “passions” are well matched and usually that works to our advantage. For us, “calmer” has nothing to do with it because our hot buttons are triggered by situations that are unique to each of us. The only difference I notice is that I’m usually the one to clam up first and end the argument, presumably because I perceive it as a waste of time a bit sooner.

Quote:
I really got a kick out of yout comment about your yearly prayer. Only, I have to confess, when I get really angry, it's not me that I pray will join our Lord sooner than later!
That quote shows one major difference between you and me. I’m very selfish and am only concerned about my happiness. You, on the other hand, worry about your husband’s happiness more than your own so you pray for his happiness first! You’re such a nice person!!!

Quote:
Oh Heartland, I share in your frustration! Is the reason they turned you down because you are over-qualified?
Usually that is the case but maybe not in this instance. The employer listed a litany of desired qualifications that virtually no one could have. I thought I matched up quite well especially after calling the position’s manager. When I made a follow-up call a few weeks later, he said they were still looking for the right person... Employment rules and litigation make it impossible to learn where you stand unless you know an insider who speaks off the record.

Quote:
My husband called me at work to tell me that the owner that was so excited to get his resume told him today that he is way over-qualified for the job and will NOT even consider him.
Maddening, isn’t it? My only suggestion is to tone down his resume a bit, especially when it comes to titles, and use the toned down resume only in the cases where you anticipate being treated as overqualified. For instance, “Head Gopher” sounds less impressive than “Director of Gophers”. His duties for those jobs can be toned down some too. Should a prospective employer ask about “dumbing down” that information, he can honestly say that they didn’t pay him like a “Director of Gophers”, which should be the true test…

 
Old 07-08-2005, 03:50 PM   #13
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,813
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: What's A Friend To Do... Part III

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartlandguy
Blue and Goody, this stopped many years ago so I really don’t know if she explained her reasons for her actions. Please let me restate the situation. During the day, I had done things that irritated her but she never discussed these irritations until bedtime. There was neither an argument for us to resolve nor anything unsettled from my point of view until we went to bed! Once I recognized this pattern happening, I asked her to tell me about these irritations ASAP rather than saving them for bedtime because most were minor and easy to resolve. By holding these until bedtime, she spun me up emotionally at the end of a long day and denied me the opportunity to spin down and share an intimate moment with her. (No jokes about the use of the word moment! I used it figuratively. )

After repeatedly asking her to tell me ASAP about my transgressions without any success, I chose the couch over certain frustration. To this day, I consider the bedtime sneak attack as abuse and I have no remorse in avoiding the situation. Since actions speak louder than words, change ensued and bedtime has basically remained argument free.
Heartland ~ Thanks for sharing this with us. I must say that it is helpful in allowing me to see how Tom may perceive things when I do at times resort to a sneak attack never seeing it as abusive. Does it make it just as abusive when Tom falls asleep in the middle of my opening up my hurting heart???? Hmmmmm.....I guess it's best for all parties to do all heavy discussions prior to 10pm.

But seriously.....I appreciate your sharing this with me for I never saw how it could be such a destructive thing in a relationship.

~ Goody

 
Old 07-08-2005, 04:42 PM   #14
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 1,311
heartlandguy HB User
Re: What's A Friend To Do... Part III

Quote:
Originally Posted by goody2shuz
Does it make it just as abusive when Tom falls asleep in the middle of my opening up my hurting heart????
If I could fall asleep like that, I'd never need to use the couch!!!

Quote:
Hmmmmm.....I guess it's best for all parties to do all heavy discussions prior to 10pm.
When disciplining a puppy for wetting on the floor, would you wait until bedtime? Did you ever realize that holding things in until bedtime allows your anger to grow as you repeatedly vilify your dear sweet husband in your mind? Dealing with a misbehaving spouse is like dealing with a misbehaving child… first let your initial anger subside and then calmly @#&% them!!!

 
Old 07-08-2005, 06:53 PM   #15
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 391
BLUE EYED LADY HB User
Re: What's A Friend To Do... Part III

Quote:
Originally Posted by goody2shuz
Blue ~ You are an unbelievably amazing woman. I gather such comfort & strength in you and know that in my times of trouble that I can gain peace & wisdom from you and the way you love unconditionally. I know that you deserve the security you seek and pray that it comes soon. Being overqulified only makes me think that your husband may need to look for a job in a restaurant or the such that doesn't require a resume of course on a temporary basis. He may have to work several jobs until he finds one that he is qualified for. This goes for Heartland as well...it's not a forever thing but for the sake of providing security in a marriage one has to be willing to do just about anything which often means puting aside our pride. My dad did this and so can other wonderful men

Anyway....I am ending my day with a prayer. Thank you Lord for the friends that You have blessed us with, for a new day that you give us to do what we need to do to be better for You and others and for the gifts of love and faith that allow us to see You in the words and actions of others. May You bless each one of us with you peace and the wisdom to see Your will in all that we say or do.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody
HI GOODY,
Sorry I am taking so long to post back. I have had a very busy day at work and I am STILL HERE!! I am finally ready to leave.
Thank you for your very sweet words. They mean alot to me. And, I have to say, I am VERY impressed with your prayer. Could I be rubbing off a little on you??
It is interesting that you were especially focusing on thanking the Lord for our friends, because I also am feeling extremely blessed this morning for my friendships. I was especially thinking about my best friend this morning and how fortunate I am to have her in my life. I do not get to see her too often, usually about once a year because she lives in another state. But I love her very much and our friendship always picks up right where we left off, despite the distance. She is as close to me as if we were sisters. I will actually be flying into see her in 2 weeks from today, (YEAH!!!!!), and I can't wait.
Also, I am very fortunate to have you, Heartland and Stacy that have been very caring as I have struggled through the ups and downs of unemployment issues. I want you all to know how much I appreciate you and the support you have given me. It is so nice to be able to air our feelings here. I come to work every day and no one here has any idea of the pain that I feel at times or that my husband has been out of work for so long. I just smile and try to be upbeat all the time. It's so nice to know that I have some place safe to unload!!!
So, to all you wonderful cyberfriends, thank you. May the Lord grace you with his peace and presence always and may all your dreams come true.
love,
Blue

Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 07-08-2005 at 06:59 PM.

 
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