It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 07-12-2005, 05:12 AM   #1
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 5,545
SophiaM HB User
Unhappy Update--Ex wants him back

Ok, I thought I should post this update on a new thread, since the other one was probably getting too long. Turns out, I was right to not trust that ex of NG's whom we ran into at the beach on our third or fourth date. Apparently, she's been calling him, especially last week, and he said it somewhat "messed" with his head because he might still have some residual emotional ties to her. However, he said that he likes me very much and still wants to see me, but wants to be sure that he's being fair to me, etc. I asked him if he thinks he might want to get back with her, and he said he doesn't think so and that he hopes the upcoming trip will help him clear his head. He also said I am "amazing" and that he is not dating anyone else, nor does he have any desire to. I told him the residual feelings are understandable and they don't go away overnight, especially after a long-term relationship (they were together for two years), and that yes, hopefully the trip will be helpful. We then spoke about other lighter subjects and even joked around a bit.

I didn't want to seem too threatened by the ex, but I have to admit I don't like the sound or the look of her. I didn't like it from the minute I saw her hugging him so tightly in front of me at the beach. She was like an octopus! I guess I can't blame her, because I think NG is a great catch, but it wasn't too thrilling to witness from my perspective. I just KNEW instantly she will try to get him back. And since I know she still has some kind of an emotional impact on him and I sense she was saying a lot of "right" and lovey-dovey things in her phone conversations, well, I am just a bit afraid. But I guess there's nothing I can do, really, but try to act cool and not threatened by her, right? I asked him if he saw her last week and he said he only bumped into her at the gym a couple of times but that was it. I'm not sure if that's the truth, though. I'm more inclined to think they might have went out this past weekend and talked in person rather than on the phone but he's trying to spare me the details. Oh well, the plot thickens even more. They broke up about 7 months ago, maybe 8, for the record. How does this sound from an objective perspective? I mean, he didn't say for sure that he won't go back to her. Just that he needed to "clear his head." What to think of it? I didn't tell him my ex called me too, maybe I should have, so that he knows he also has some competition LOL.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 07-12-2005, 06:15 AM   #2
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,813
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Update--Ex wants him back

Sophia....I posted on your old thread & decided to move it over here. So here goes....



Good morning, Sophia How are you doing this morning??? Did you sleep much....I sure hope so.

I know that you are going to speak to NG again today and probably are a little bit nervous about that. I am sure that he is too now that everything is laid out on the table. It'll be interesting to see what the others have to say but after sleeping I still go with my original advice (which is on your old thread ).

Pretty much the ball is in his court and it is really up to you whether of not you wish to wait around for another serve. Being ready is what is important for you......or you can choose to get back into the game on another day.....meaning that you can take a break from the whole entire thing. But I still vote for waiting it out....I'd be interested in knowing how you might react if two guys asked you out today??? Hmmmmm........the answer to that may indeed make a difference in how you are seeing things

Anyway....I just wanted to let you know that I am here and that you are in my thoughts & prayers that when you speak to NG that he offers you some type of sign as to where things may be leading. Keep that pretty chin up....Goody

Thank goodness for copy & paste

Last edited by goody2shuz; 07-12-2005 at 06:25 AM.

 
Old 07-12-2005, 06:28 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: North of Boston, MA
Posts: 1,433
BostonGirl44 HB User
Re: Update--Ex wants him back

Hey Sophia,

I know the feeling all too well about an ex wanting a guy back (this happened to me last April/May). It's not the best feeling to know that this girl may still be around, waiting to get this guy back. And it's especially hard not to show that you're upset about it and put on a smiling face. We all deserve to be with someone who is sure of us and only wants to be with us. Of course, it's understandable that he has some residual feelings for this girl because they were in a long term relationship. Hopefully, the trip will be helpful and it'll all work out the way you'd like.

 
Old 07-12-2005, 06:54 AM   #4
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,776
greeneyes100 HB User
Re: Update--Ex wants him back

Sophia, the fact that he was upfront with you about the whole thing speaks volumes in my opinion. He must truly care about you to be so honest about it.

I think you should not be too concerned about his ex and just realize that it may take some more time for him to completely let go of that relationship.

However, you should keep your expectations on a realistic level, if you know what I mean. That way, if it doesn't work out, you won't be too devastated.

Maybe you should date someone else to keep your self esteem up; that way, your thoughts won't be so centered around him.

Whatever you decide, I hope it all works out for you. I know how much you like him!

 
Old 07-12-2005, 09:29 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,336
Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Update--Ex wants him back

I got dumped on by a guy I'd been seeing for 2 1/2 yrs (making honeymoon plans etc) after an ex looked him up.
The DIFFERENCE is that he said absolutely nothing to me about it. He was trying that classic ploy of seeing how it went with her before he broke up with me... if it didn't work with her he wouldn't be out anything.
Well, bless those old intuitions, huh? I tracked him down and got the truth - and walked away.
YOU TWO have talked about this, and THAT is very very very encouraging.

And if you have to walk away????
Well, I met Mr. Ruth almost 6 months to the day later. It really does all work out for the best even when you can't believe it at the time.
Hugs,

 
Old 07-12-2005, 10:02 AM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 725
LittleRose1982 HB User
Re: Update--Ex wants him back

What is it with these ex's?? Why do they have so much power and control over these men?! Personally, I couldn't care less who my ex's date and I'm certainly not going to go after them and try to win them back!
I feel your frustration, Sophia. I've been through the battle with the ex plenty of times and it's not fun. I have made a promise to myself, however. If an ex is trying to win back the love of the guy I'm dating, and he has trouble making up his mind, I always make his mind up for him and walk away. Regardless of whether he would have chosen me... I don't care. If he is at all unsure, I don't want to fight that war. I refuse. I don't have the energy for it.
I think you should explore other options at this point. I'm sure he is still very much into you and doesn't want to lose you. But he can't just linger in between 2 girls who both want to be with him and let you both suffer in the mean time. If it were me, I'd date other people. Why sit around waiting for HIM to make up HIS mind about what HE wants?? What about what YOU want? Me, I would want a guy who's not considering going back to his ex! Simple as that!
I'm glad he was honest with you, though. That shows his character. And I certainly don't mean to imply that he's in the wrong by being so undecided. He can't help his feelings. But it's important that he's honest with you. If you walk away at this point, telling him that you refuse to compete for him, then he will probably look at you with SO much more respect. Because you respect yourself. He'll admire that about you. And you never know! He might just make up his mind and tell her to take a hike!
At least you know the reason for his somewhat distant behavior this past week. It must feel good to not have to wonder anymore. Just don't let it get you down. We've all been there. I get so frustrated with situations like these, though, because these men give up on GREAT girls just because their ex's get a case of jealousy. What kind of magic spell do they have over these guys?? And why is it that they do it to US, when we are respectful of other women and would never try to steal our ex's back?? Not fair.

 
Old 07-12-2005, 12:38 PM   #7
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,566
Hiya HB User
Re: Update--Ex wants him back

I try to stay away from terminology like "steal" in situations like these. It implies his will is not involved. I really don't think anyone can "steal" someone who doesn't want to be stolen. But since your relationship is still so new, I guess he has a right to "clear his head" so to speak and think about it, though I tend to feel that if he has to think at all, it's not really over between him and his ex, so how can he really start anything new? I don't think he's choosing between two women so much as deciding if the past is really in the past. Does he still want to hang onto the life he had, or is he ready to start fresh with something new? I think it's ok if you want to see what he says when he comes back, but if he decides he wants to pursue things with you to see where it goes, I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just saying if it were me, the ex would have to be removed from his life altogether, at least for a few months, so he could focus on us and so he could prove to me that he is commited to moving forward in his life. If he couldn't give that to me, I'd seriously reconsider getting in any deeper with this guy.

 
Old 07-12-2005, 02:22 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 5,545
SophiaM HB User
Re: Update--Ex wants him back

Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleRose1982
I have made a promise to myself, however. If an ex is trying to win back the love of the guy I'm dating, and he has trouble making up his mind, I always make his mind up for him and walk away. Regardless of whether he would have chosen me... I don't care. If he is at all unsure, I don't want to fight that war. I refuse. I don't have the energy for it.

What about what YOU want? Me, I would want a guy who's not considering going back to his ex! Simple as that!

If you walk away at this point, telling him that you refuse to compete for him, then he will probably look at you with SO much more respect. Because you respect yourself. He'll admire that about you. And you never know! He might just make up his mind and tell her to take a hike!
You know LittleRose, these are PRECISELY the thoughts I was having today. I couldn't really sleep that well last night (ok, I got 2 hours, that's something), so my brain might not be functioning at its optimal level, but I just can't help but feel SO disappointed that he even has to think about this. I wish he would tell her to get lost without having to go away to clear his head. It's not like they broke up a month ago--it was more than half a year ago, so I would think he should be able to decide quicker than this. The fact he pulled away to such an extent that he did and is now needing to think about this shows me that he is at least considering the possibility of going back with her. I don't care how much logical sense it makes to me, I still don't like it one bit.

Believe it or not, I WAS actually thinking about telling him tonight that I cannot date him at this time, when he's obviously still emotionally attached to his ex. I'm torn between waiting till he comes back and just telling him now that I'm not interested in dating anyone who's not emotionally ready for it. I mean, let's say he comes back and says he's choosing me, am I supposed to jump up and down for joy and wag my tail like a puppy who just got his favorite biscuit? I really, really resent having to compete with some ex girlfriend over a guy. See, this is what I'm most afraid of is that even if he comes back and wants to be with me, I will not be as enthusiastic about him anymore simply because I just don't feel like he's crazy about me. Nobody who's absolutely smitten with me would need to think about getting back with an ex who supposedly wasn't treating him so well. I just can't be happy about this situation either way

 
Old 07-12-2005, 02:38 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 5,545
SophiaM HB User
Re: Update--Ex wants him back

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
I got dumped on by a guy I'd been seeing for 2 1/2 yrs (making honeymoon plans etc) after an ex looked him up.
The DIFFERENCE is that he said absolutely nothing to me about it. He was trying that classic ploy of seeing how it went with her before he broke up with me... if it didn't work with her he wouldn't be out anything.
Well, bless those old intuitions, huh? I tracked him down and got the truth - and walked away.
YOU TWO have talked about this, and THAT is very very very encouraging.

And if you have to walk away????
Well, I met Mr. Ruth almost 6 months to the day later. It really does all work out for the best even when you can't believe it at the time.
Hugs,
Yes, Ruth, I remembered your story and was actually thinking about you when this happened. but your relationship was much more serious at the time, so I can only imagine the kind of devastation you must have felt. I am so happy that things worked out for the best in the end. I truly hope it will be the same for me.

I am/was trying to have my expectations low and not get any feelings for NG until I know for sure where things are going, and yet I surprised myself with how much I seem to care about him. Believe it or not, I am actually trying to "retrain" myself to go back to that first-date level of caring, when I was actually very annoyed because he went to the wrong restaurant and it took us longer to find each other, by which time I was dying of starvation! I was thinking, "that's it, one date and I"m not gonna see this guy anymore." And then I really liked him, both physically and his personality, even though he wasn't completely my usual type (I usually date very tall guys). Anyway, I don't really know what to do at this point, but I think I will have to back WAAAY off, just because I don't want to put my heart on the line again. I wish I could go away for a couple of weeks myself to clear MY head. But I can't because of my summer classes and shortage of dinero. I just want to RUN AWAY from my life and start over!

 
Old 07-12-2005, 02:50 PM   #10
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,776
greeneyes100 HB User
Re: Update--Ex wants him back

Yeah, I think maybe Rose's advice is correct. If he has to think about it, then NG hasn't gotten past his prior relationship and is not ready for a new one yet, whether it's with you or someone else.

Why don't you tell him before he leaves town and see what he says?

Good luck, Sophia. I hope you feel better. Are you going to put your ad back up?

Your Aunt Greeneyes

 
Old 07-12-2005, 02:52 PM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,336
Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Update--Ex wants him back

Bless your heart... I sure remember that feeling of wanting to run away Sophia.

And I know that you alrEADY know that:
"No matter how far you go... There you are!!"

Ruth

 
Old 07-12-2005, 06:54 PM   #12
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,813
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Update--Ex wants him back

Sophia ~ I can understand what your mind and heart are going through. And LittleRose's post makes alot of sense. I mean IF he was really into you then this ex entering the picture should not really make a difference. However, I am giving NG the benefit of the doubt for being honest enough to share his confusion with you. That shows integrity and good character.

When I was dating Tom, an ex fiance of mine contacted me. I believe I may have shared this story before but I think it may help you. I told Tom that I needed to see him because I needed closure....this guy was in the army and was stationed over in Germany after we broke the engagement and he was still in contact with me. Tom allowed me to go and it was difficult for him to do so, however, if I hadn't I wouldn't have been able to define how much Tom meant to me as my future and how this ex fiance was a part of my past. The closure I got was the greatest gift that Tom could have given me and to us as a couple.

Perhaps NG needs that same opportunity. You say that you don't know all the particulars. For me this ex wasn't ready for marriage & was seriously scared. It had been 5 years since I had seen him and he always left the door open to a possible future. I was in that one night able to close that door. NG may need the opportunity to do the same with this ex of his.

What do you think??? It takes a very caring and secure person to allow somebody to do what he needs to do. You will know, as I was able to show Tom, how grateful NG is for your allowing him that opportunity. He will demonstrate his relief and realization to you that this ex is only going to remain in his past once he is sure and has had the time to think about it. I say stay cool and see what happens after he returns. If he doesn't convince you that you are one special girl for giving him some thinking time....then perhaps it is time to find somebody else who will make you feel as if they are totally smitten by you. NG should come back feeling that way and letting you know if he has figured things out. I hope this helps and if you wanna run away....come visit Goody, I am lonely and missing Tom and could use the company.

((((HUGS))))) ~ Goody

 
Old 07-12-2005, 07:45 PM   #13
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,040
realguy HB User
Re: Update--Ex wants him back

Reality time, Do you need all these issues so early in the relationship? Either he"s in to you or he isn"t. As for you wanting to play his game by telling him about your ex. Why? Do you really care about your ex? Maybe you should cancel the trip.
A trip this early in a relationship is for a new beginning, "clearing ones head" is usually for an established one. Think about it.

 
Old 07-12-2005, 08:00 PM   #14
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 5,545
SophiaM HB User
Re: Update--Ex wants him back

I hope/wish you're right, Goody, but oh, I am sooo confused right now My female ego is seriously bruised that he's putting me in this kind of a waiting position, and I don't like it. I don't feel the least bit enthusiastic about the whole situation. I don't want to be always so understanding. I am sick and tired of being understanding and always waiting for someone to make up their mind, either if they want a committed relationship, or if they want to go back to the ex girlfriend. And even if he was indeed somewhat confused, which I can understand, what I don't understand is WHY should that prevent him from still going out with me? He was going to see me one day before he leaves for his trip, and then he made all kinds of excuses why he probably can't but said he would let me know for sure last night. Well, he didn't even mention it at all last night, so of course he has no desire to see me before his trip. Even if he still has some "residual" feelings for her, why should that interfere with him missing me and wanting to see me? Doesn't make much sense, does it?

I don't know...a part of me thinks that maybe he has already started dating her again, but since he's not sure where it's going to go, he's still keeping me around. Yes, I do give him credit for being honest but at the same time, does he think I'm Mother Theresa or something? How can he NOT MISS ME when I miss him is what I don't get. I mean, when Tom was generous enough to allow you to meet with your ex-fiancee to get closure, you were still seeing Tom regularly and you didn't put him on hold for almost a month and making excuses to avoid seeing him until after you've had the conversation with the ex. Am I correct?

I still don't know what to do. I'm so torn because I really like him, and I do think he's essentially a good guy (and never in my life dated a good guy like him), but apparently, good guys are not drawn to me! He called me tonight and left a very bland-sounding message on my voicemail. I didn't pick up because I just don't know what to do and I'm afraid of doing or saying something I might later regret. A part of me wants to just not deal with this and avoid his phonecalls altogether. If he starts pursuing me then, it will mean he truly cares about me, but if he lets me go easily, means he was only lukewarm about me and not the right guy. Does that sound like a reasonable strategy, or am I completely out of my mind?

 
Old 07-12-2005, 08:05 PM   #15
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 5,545
SophiaM HB User
Re: Update--Ex wants him back

Quote:
Originally Posted by realguy
Reality time, Do you need all these issues so early in the relationship? Either he"s in to you or he isn"t. As for you wanting to play his game by telling him about your ex. Why? Do you really care about your ex? Maybe you should cancel the trip.
A trip this early in a relationship is for a new beginning, "clearing ones head" is usually for an established one. Think about it.
Realguy, could you please clarify your post a little? I'm not sure I completely understand. No, I don't really want to be with my ex, I want to be with NG. And you're right, it would be stupid and childish to tell him about my ex's phonecall, so I didn't.

Now, what do you mean by I should cancel the trip? I am not going on any trips, NG is. And what do you mean by "a trip this early in a relationship is for a new beginning." Do you mean a new beginning for him and his ex-gf or a new beginning for him and me? What do you think would be a good thing to do from my perspective?

 
Closed Thread




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (273), rosequartz (255), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (159), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (102), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1013), Apollo123 (909), Titchou (856), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (763), ladybud (755), midwest1 (670), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:29 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!