I just found this forum because I need help! I've discovered that my wife of nearly 15 years is cheating online. I don't think she's met the person yet, but I know he lives nearby, and I know she told him she would leave me for him! (I won't go into how I know this, but I'm a computer professional, and it wasn't hard to find out when I became suspicious) I have log files of chat conversations they've had!
I'm devastated, but I don't want to lose her! What should I do?!
Maybe ask her questions that would hint that you know something, but don't disclose the extent of what you know. ("is there something you're not telling me about involving another man?") When she asks what you know, say, 'you tell me.' If she hesitates, fill in a little bit to indicate you know more than you originally implied, so she thinks it is to her benefit to tell you everything, possibly information you didn't already know. (like if they met.)
I would think if she lies about truths you know, these are indicators of whether trust can be regained. For instance, if she says, "I never told him I would leave you for him.. it was just a harmless curiosity." You know that she wants to hide from you what her intentions are.
Try to evaluate your feelings and what you're willing to do to save the relationship, but what you're not willing to do--what your boundaries are before approaching her. It seems like she should have some flicker of remorse and honesty if trust can ever be repaired.
Thank you. I tried that a little bit, and she told me some of what was happening, but not all of it. At the time I didn't know very much about what she had done. So I put something on her computer to log her chats.
It's been since I first confronted her about it that she has told this other person that she would leave me for him, that she is falling in love with him, and that she doesn't know how long it's been since she's been in love with me. She also told him that the only thing holding her back is our kids.
Is there anyway to save my relationship? Does she possibly not really mean those things she is saying? Maybe just saying them because she feels safe behind her computer monitor? I love her so much! I don't want to lose her!
I think I'm a pretty good husband to her. I've always tried to put her needs and wants ahead of my own. I don't know what to do!
Dude, I really feel awful for you, thats one of the worst things I have heard, I would die. Maybe she is just flirting, messing around. Seeing if she still "has it". Gaining a little confidence. But if she is serious. You wouldn't want someone like that would you? Sounds like you love her, but you can find someone you love and who loves you back. All I know is you have to talk to her about it, see if its anything that's reconcilable. Or its going to eat at you. Hopefully, she is just playing with the guy. Some people do that. Sorry bud.
I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I can just imagine how painful this must be for you. It is very important to talk to your wife. You can not solve a problem without facing it. Also, remember, if she has not even met the guy yet, he could be nothing like she is picturing. I am not saying that what she is doing OK, it is totally wrong. I just think that you may have a chance to work on your marriage if you both are willing.
Has she ever given you any indication to believe that she is not happy? Has she ever mentioned going to see a counselor? Have you noticed her distancing herself from you emotionally as well as physically and for how long? Do you know how long she has been e-mailing this guy? Describe your typical day for both of you for me. What do you do in your opinion that makes her happy? When she has complained to you about your marriage, what does she say? All the answers to these questions will help me to understand what may be going on.
Your in my prayers,
Blue Eyed Lady
Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 07-13-2005 at 03:54 PM.
My wife and I have had problems in the past, like any marriage does, but nothing too serious.
She told me once when we were in a fight that she hasn't been happy in our marriage for years. After the fight was over she said she had just said that to purposely hurt me because she was mad. That floored me, because I've always been happy with her.
We've talked about going to a counselor, but she wasn't very interested. She talked to a counselor when she was younger, and she doesn't think it did any good.
My wife stays home with the kids. They are out of school for the summer, so it's a bit different for her now than it was during the school year. I go to work at about 7:00, and get home at about 5:30. We sometimes eat dinner as a family, and sometimes don't. We usually try to go on a date together every week, but sometimes something comes up.
I feel like I'm doing the right things in order to have a good relationship, but she isn't happy. Some of my friends think she wears the pants, and I'd say that is a bit of a struggle. We're both the oldest child in our own families.
I don't know what else might help, but thanks to all of you for trying to help me.
It seems interesting that the only thing she claims not to be doing for the kids is leaving you physically. However, emotionally leaving you is just as bad for the kids. The kids will catch on and can sense those things, as it's just as painful.
If she's said that she would leave you except for the kids, and she's aware that you're aware-- I wouldn't let her call the shots. Sometimes a person needs to know that they have something to loose before they realize what they have. I wouldn't wait around another minute after having a discussion with more lies unless she comes running after you and begging for your forgiveness, a promise to try, and a promise to change.
Do what you have to do to make her realize that you're serious. I would think even if that means an ultimatum, or some drastic actions--(moving out temporarily but not telling her it's temporary.) Love comes in many forms, and in this case, doing anything to save the marriage within practical bounds would be showing love for her.
You cannot save the marriage unless she decides to cooperate. You can use tactics to get her attention, but in the end, itís up to her to respect those marriage vows. However, the one thing you DO have control over is respecting yourself by not trapping yourself in an unfaithful marriage for a long time.. She needs to know now or never.
Glogreenfrog is right. This guy should not get off scot-free either. Men who prey on other men's wives are the scum of the earth. There is no excuse for what she is doing, but he is no doubt filling her head with junk. I've never heard of a guy like that actually taking on the wife and kids once he breaks up the marriage. She is disillusioned if she thinks that he will, or that anything that starts in secret will succeed long term. He will eventually cheat on her too. Track records speak volumes. Has she not thought of this? It sounds as if she is bored with her life. Motherhood is not glamorous. If she weren't bored, the attension from this man may not seem as enticing. It's also possible that she has changed since you both met--people do. But she needs to be honest with the fact that she is no longer attracted to you (if that's the case)...not cheat. Are the kids the only reason that she is staying in the marriage or is she educated and able to get a good job on her own? Sounds like she is well cared for within the marriage financially....another reason why she may be hanging around. She is having her cake and eating it too. You may not want to issue an ultimatum because you are afraid of losing her, but don't let her walk all over you.
I've never understood the "having your cake and eating it too" expression--wouldn't you eat it if you HAVE it?? I digress, if she is not happy in the marriage, she is going about things the wrong way. 2 wrongs never fix a right, and she will carry her dysfunction into the next relationship. Shameful that she is doing this, I would openly confront.
If she leaves you, then she'll do it to the next man. I pity that man for his ignorance. My son's father left me when our son was only 4 weeks old and instead of being jealous of his other women, I feel bad for them. They are with a real winner.
first of all, sorry about your situation........it sucks....i know
your wife is getting something from this man that is missing in your marriage (attention).......most women cheat to fullfill emotional needs. try talking to her about the little things in life, how her day went, how she feels, let her know how improtant she is to you, and most of all, LISTEN.....get to know your wife again. remember, actions speak louder than words. women appreciate the little things......
i know all this may sound corny, but i've seen it work.
I've got a date set up with my wife for tomorrow night, so we'll have some time alone. I'm going to talk to her about this then. I guess it won't be a very fun date! I'm not sure how I'm going to approach this, but I'll have a plan before I do it.