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Old 07-24-2005, 05:36 AM   #1
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kaamom HB User
My husband has changed

Hi, I'm need some advice. I have been married to my hubby for 17 years now and I'm not happy with the way he has changed in the last few years. He is so grumpy and negative all the time and uses his mood to make our lives miserable. He blames the kids for everything, and he has no motivation to do anything. We are having troubles paying the bills and he always throws the saying back to me that it was the same way in his house growing up and thats the way its going to be here. He has no ambition the get a second job, my job has cut me back to 30 hours and that just not enough. I'm trying to look for another job butwhen I approach him to look for a second job he gets mad at me.
My feelings for him have changed so much because of all of this. Recently I became friends with a man at work, we just clicked. We both ended up having feelings for each other but I am a faithful wife and would never chaet on my husband but I tell you the temptation was definately there. I think with these new feeling I found with this man has opened up my eyes as to how miserable I am at home. The man at work moved away but I still think of him daily because I miss the feelings of being sexually attractive to somebody again, since my feelings for my hubby have dulled so much because of his negativity and grumpyness, Thanks for listening, Kathy

 
Old 07-24-2005, 06:10 AM   #2
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: My husband has changed

Hi, Kaamom Glad to see you back with an update...was wondering where you were and thinking all was well since your weekend away with hubby.

Financial difficulties certainly place alot of pressure & stress upon a marriage. Sometimes even to the point of thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

Two things come to mind when you describe your husband's behavior. Men often base their self worth upon their careers and employment status. Seems to me that your hubby is demonstrating a lack of confidence and could use a big dose of it.. Is your husband happy in his primary job??? Secondly, men are known to respond better to "sunshine" when we are able to gently build them up and attract them to our warmth, not an easy thing to do. rather than when we are like a strong "wind" that only makes them retreat thus reacting in a way we do not find attractive. You need to be as much like the sun as possible....build your husband up realizing that he already feels badly and needs your support and boast of confidence. Men feel loved by their wives when they have their respect. Try to focus on that aspect by bringing up things that he is doing presently on the homefront that you see as helpful even if it is just picking up after himself, mowing the lawn, etc. This should get him out of the grouchy mode. He IS miserable because he is not seeing himself in a good light and for you to reflect something back to him that he already knows will only worsten the situation.

I know that this won't be an easy task but try to be the sunshine for a week and see if it triggers a positive response in him. Once you do you will be able to move him into the right direction of seeing that he needs to contribute more financially in your marriage. A man needs to be confident in order to feel qualified for a new position or when seeking new employment since it identifies him in many ways.

I know that this is a stressful time and your finding another man attractive when your husband seems so unattractive is somewhat normal so long as you do not act upon it. Remember, we marry for the good times & the bad....this is just one of those bad times that will hopefully turn out good once again with love and patience. Please keep us posted to how things go. ~ Goody

 
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Old 07-24-2005, 08:55 AM   #3
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cookiepls HB User
Re: My husband has changed

I know first-hand that what Goodie is suggesting can actually work. Granted, it's not an easy thing to do. When your spouse is being negative and hurtful, it's natural to want to react in a negative way towards that person. As confident, happy, and positive as my husband is most of the time, he's had his moments. I've learned over the past 14 years that if I react during those moments with emphathy and understanding, he gets over it quickly. I think men want respect from their wives more than just about anything. It sounds like he's been feeling defeated and is acting out in the only way he knows how. You can help him and inspire him with your own actions. Build him up with sincere praise every chance you get, bring back his confidence by expressing confidence in him (even if you don't feel it right now). Even small changes in the way you respond to him can have a huge impact on his attitude and behavior over time.
When he makes the comment to you that it was the same way in his house growning up and it will continue to be the same way here, that's a sure sign that he's feeling depressed and defeated. He may have convinced himself that trying equals failure so he's lost all ambition. He's been struggling for so long and watched his parents do the same. He won't ask for it, but he needs your emotional support now more than ever. If you give it first, you'll get it back eventually.

 
Old 07-24-2005, 08:58 AM   #4
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Kattie43 HB User
Re: My husband has changed

Hi Kathy. I could have written almost the exact same thing!! My husband has SO changed over the last couple of years. Our sons are late teens and it's like he doesn't even know how to be a Dad anymore to them with getting a beer buzz first. What's sad is he went years and years without drinking and now drinks a lot!!

He gets so moody and all of a sudden it's always "about him". The opposite of your husband, mine has been working a lot of over time but he plays the martyr role with it. He think's he's entitled to spending more of "his" money on himself, thus the drinking and even smoking cigars come into play. It's been so depressing. The boys are even confused by his behaviors.

After over 20 years together I can honestly say there is no love left and like you, my thoughts and dreams have wandered.
Good luck to you!

Last edited by Kattie43; 07-24-2005 at 09:00 AM.

 
Old 07-24-2005, 09:13 AM   #5
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ibeeshell HB User
Re: My husband has changed

Kathy, get your hub a dr appt. go with him and tell the dr. about the sudden changes in his personality. He may need some antideppressants to help him out. Doesn't mean he is crazy, but sometimes, people spiral down to a place they CAN'T get out of. It sounds to me as if he needs help. Why?

Because my hubby went thru it too. He has depression, it runs in his family and he has no control over it. But I had no idea why he got in such terrible moods. He used to wake me up out of a sound sleep, and tell me we were going to be homeless, that we were spending money like crazy and we were running out of it. THEN, he would go to sleep and I would lay awake and stress. We can't run out, he retired at age 21 and we are set!!! But I finally figured out that if he woke me up at night, it was because there was no snack food in the house!LOL Anyway...............It took years of living on a rollercoaster until a doctor finally suggested to hubby that he might try Zoloft. Sure enough, he settled into happiness.

Being supportive will help, but sometimes it takes more then your love.

 
Old 07-24-2005, 09:18 AM   #6
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cookiepls HB User
Re: My husband has changed

Good point ibeeshell. It's a good idea to rule out possible medical reasons.

 
Old 07-24-2005, 12:50 PM   #7
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kaamom HB User
Re: My husband has changed

Hi all, its me Kathy again,
I know he needs to be seen by a doctor and he says it all the time but he will never go, he thinks all doctors are quacks and that drugs wont help, even though my son and I are both on anti-depressants, mine is more for anxiety than anything else. My son is the sensitive one of my three kids and he takes all our problems on his shoulders, so when we arent talking to each other my son takes it personally even if it has nothing to do with him.
My husband is very stubborn and wont do anything that he doesnt want to do. So I'm stuck between sticking up for my kids and being on his side in certain situations.
Do you think if I threaten to leave him or send him packing he might wake up and do something. I have Threatened before and he will change for a short time and then all is back to normal around here. My kids and I are tired of walking on eggshells when he is home. I just want us to be happy again.
He says everyday that he loves me and I know he does but it's just not the same as when we were younger. What do I do to wake him up and know that i'm not happy any more, just tell him? Thanks for listening, Kathy

 
Old 07-24-2005, 03:11 PM   #8
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ibeeshell HB User
Re: My husband has changed

Kathy, my husband loves me too and he is a good father. I called for the appt, not him.

Then I finally had to say "here is your dr. appt. it is on such and such day. You will tell our family doctor the truth or I will, you will get help or I will pack your bags." He went, I did too. He told, I backed up his story and the prescription was written.

Recently, the drugs stopped working and hubby started snarling again. I called and made him another appt. Because I had to work, I called the morning of the appt. and spoke to our doc to let her know that once again hubby had a personality change. Meds were adjusted, it was as simple as that.

Is he a bad guy? No, he has a chemical imbalance that he cannot control. Am I a bad wife? No, I love him and want to help him and keep my family working. Incidently, I started having seizures and now take meds too, hubby helps me out there. He makes sure I see the doc when needed, and tells the doc things about me that I do not realize or see myself. That is what couples do for each other!!

Please make his appt and help him go. It sounds as if your children NEED it too. By all means get tough, protect your kids!!! I am not meaning to imply that he is abusive, mind you. But constantly walking on egg shells is horrible stress for kids!

 
Old 07-24-2005, 03:23 PM   #9
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Njoylife HB User
Re: My husband has changed

I agree with Goody and Cookie. Try remembering how you acted to get this man..do it again. Feminine charm works better than pills. You're looking for a life long cure not a bandaid. Remember how you had him wrapped around your finger and he would do anything for you? How did you do it?

 
Old 07-24-2005, 04:47 PM   #10
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cookiepls HB User
Re: My husband has changed

Kathy, Ibeeshell has a good idea. It worked for her. Maybe it can work for you too. Make the appt. for him, then give him the ultimatum. Let him know the harm it's doing to the children too. If he won't do it for you or himself, maybe he will for his children.

 
Old 07-24-2005, 05:00 PM   #11
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BLUE EYED LADY HB User
Re: My husband has changed

Hi Kathy,
I remember you from your previous thread and can so sympathize with what you are going through. I have been married for 19 years and have had alot of financial stress during my marriage and therefore can understand how much stress and anxiety this can contribute to a marriage. I am not at all discounting the fact that your husband may be suffering from depression, however I feel it is very important to look at what the root causes may be. Although depression in many individuals is caused by chemical imbalances within our bodies, in many cases it has a root cause that has not been dealt with. Neither my husband or I suffer from depression, however my father did for several years and I know very well first hand how this impacts the family. Depression is often caused by anger turned inward that has never been dealt with. There are several questions I had after reading your post:
1) How long ago were your hours cut at work?
2) Have you always worked your entire marriage?
3) Has your husband worked at the same job for a long time?
4) Does he like his job?
5) When you think back to when he became very negative, can you correlate any particular event that happened in his life, whether at home or work?
6) How long have you been having financial difficulties? Were things always tight even before your hours were cut back at work?
7) Are his parents poor? How do they manage their money?
8) Was your socio-economic status different from your husband's growing up?
9)Are you both responsible with money?


As I stated in my first paragraph, I have had alot of financial difficulty for most of my marriage. I have worked for 17 and a half years in our marriage.(I only took off for a period of time after we had our son.) I have a BS degree and my husband only has his Associates Degree and as a result he is not able to get the type of jobs he would like and has always made alot less then me. He also has ADHD and that as well has created problems in his job history. He lost his job 11 months ago and has yet to find a job. He went back to college about 5 months ago when he realized this would continue to be a vicious cycle unless he finsihed his degree. He was able to get a scholarship and is presently in school again taking 12 credits a semester to obtain his BS degree. As you can imagine, because he is out of work, this has caused great stress, and he is unwilling to take just a minimum paying job, I'm assuming out of pride. He is in an accelerated college program and should finsih his degree in about 18 months. Due to the amount of credits, he has alot of homework and has told me there is no way he can work fulltime and keep up with school. So, he is only looking for a part-time job and we have a son that will be going to college in 1 year. (This is not the first time in our marriage he has lost a job and frankly, I am emotionally exhausted in dealing with financial stress on a constant basis.)
I work with mostly professionals and I can certainly understand how you could become attracted to someone else. I also, have been attracted to someone else at work, and I can tell he is attracted to me as well. I have never acted on this and never would, but I know in my case that part of the attraction is due to the fact that he has a very responsible job and makes a good salary. I have always been the more responsible one in our marriage and I long for my husband to be a man that I can depend on to provide for me. I know first hand how much stress financial troubles bring in a marriage. When there is no money to go out and do fun things together, especially when both spouses are working and dealing with job stress as well, it beomes a vicious cycle and usually sucks the romance right out of the relationship. When that is coupled with worryig about how you are going to even pay all your bills, it is no wonder why there is tension in the relationship.
My husband grew up poor and I grew up in a typical middle class surburban neighborhood and went to private schools all the way through college. I don't need luxuries to make me happy, but I do expect that my husband does his best to provide for his family. I also would like to have a little bit extra to go out to dinner once in awhile and maybe take a vacation every 1-2 years. My husband on the other hand does not have the same expectations. So I feel I understand how you feel when your husband has made comments to you about how things were in his family.
Do you have alot of debt? Is there any way for you to cut back on necessities or downsize? While a second job may be OK for a short period of time, I do not feel this is the solution long term. You can not have a happy marriage if either spouse is working too many hours. They will have no energy left for the marital relationship, as well as become short tempered and resentful. Is it possible for your husband to find a different job that would pay better?
I think there are many things that you may need to think about before your formulate a plan to make things better.
Good Luck. My heart goes out to you.
Love,
Blue Eyed Lady

Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 07-24-2005 at 05:01 PM.

 
Old 07-25-2005, 05:13 AM   #12
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kaamom HB User
Re: My husband has changed

HI Blue Eyed Lady, nice to hear from you again. How have you been? Good I hope!
I have always loved the way people here are so sincere in there responses.
The answers to your questions are: my hours have been cut for almost 8 months and
Ive been told that buisness is slow and wont be getting better any time soon.
Yes I have always worked my entire marriage ,first full time, then had babies so went part-time for 10 years then back to full. My husband has been at his current job for 7 years now, and just like home all he does is **** and moan and even has mouthed off at his new Lady boss,(they dont like each other). Its not that she is a lady but the fact that she is not nice to the employees(nobody likes her). Other than that he likes the people that he works with.
My husband and I come from the same background of family life, but his father worked 2-3 jobs to make ends meet when my father worked only one. He keeps comparing us to his family but he doesnt work as hard as his father did to make ends meet.
Money have always been tight around here but the fast 5 years the bills have just piled up and up and up and the money situation has gone down dramatically.
As for our love life well it used to be great, we could talk and talk for hours, we are each others best friends, but the past few months I just cant stand to be around him, all he does is complain about everything and thats a real turn off. Sex has been OK. I was his first and he doesnt take as long in the foreplay department as I need to get aroused,so I have never had an orgasam, then he blames himself for not being good in bed and so he doesnt approach me as much. I try to tell him what I need but he will do it for a few minutes then stop, its gets me soooo frustrated. I keep telling him I'm defective in that area and I believe it to. But when I got some attention from the other guy those horny feelings have come back to me (I'm so embarrassed to be talking about this) but I'm desparate. I really dont know what i"m going to do but I will listen to any advice out there and give it some thought. Thanks for listening Kathy

 
Old 07-25-2005, 08:55 AM   #13
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BLUE EYED LADY HB User
Re: My husband has changed

Hi Kathy,
Thanks for responding to my questions, however, would you please go back to my previous post and answer all the questions I asked. I really feel that in order for me to get accurate backround information and really get to the root of the problem, I need additional information.
I also have some additional questions after reading your last post. I am assuming from what you have written that you are behind in your bills and can not even meet your monthly expenses, is that correct? If so, are you so behind that it has effected your credit? Do you own a home? Who physically writes out the checks, you or your husband?
I feel a big part of your husbands mood is that he feels trapped and overwhelmed financially. His change in mood seems to be directly related to your downward spiral in your finances. As you probably know, financial difficulties is cited as the number one reason for problems in a marriage. Like I mentioned in my previous post, this causes incredible stress in a relationship. You obviously do not have any money for fun things in your relationship. Is it any wonder why the romance has faded? It is no wonder why you began having feelings for someone else. Do you still have contact with your co-worker since he moved away?
As I asked in my previous post, can your husband find a different job that would perhaps pay more? If you own a house, can you sell it and perhaps buy a smaller one? You will both need to talk about this and figure out a way that you can decrease your monthly expenses, otherwise your financial problems will continue. Have you openly discussed with your husband how he has changed and what this is doing to you and the children?
You mentioned in your post that your company does not expect to pick up in the near future. Can you find a new job? What line of work are you in?
Now, you also mentioned issues in the intimate part of your relationship. This obviously, is also straining your relationship. I would be happy to discuss this issue with you on the Woman's Sexual Board. I have alot to comment on, but we are limited on what we are able to say on the Relationship Board. If you feel like discussing this part of your relationship further, feel free to post the sexual problems on the other board. If I see the post, I will comment there.
I would be happy to comment on both the general issues in your marriage on the Relationship Board here and the sexual issues on the other board.
Please answer the questions above as well as my questions on the previous post so I can give you more accurate advice.
Things can change around in your marriage. Do not give up!!
Love,
Blue Eyed Lady

 
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