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Old 07-26-2005, 11:50 AM   #1
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Unhappy someone please help me i think im losing it for good.

I am going crazy... i have lost all hope.. i think i may be having a nervous breakdown if i new what that consisted of...and i have no one left to talk to or ask about this for my friends and family are tired of it.

I married the woman of my dreams, when we first got together everything was great, then i asked her to marry me, she said yes, and we got married, then she stoped paying attention to me, i got depressed and slept alot, i had a job but im a designer and jobs were hard to find so i worked odd jobs to help pay for things but i was so depressed that i married the woman of my dreams and she didnt want me no more then 4 months into the marriage so i slept quite a bit in order to excape the pain.. we had sex maybe once a month and then after 2 years it just ended, i asked her if she would want to be with me and she would just say no, keep in mind i still tried and told her i loved her everyday, i never even looked at another woman being, well, i had the woman i always wanted i just didnt understand why this was happending. finaly she started telling me after 3 years to have an affair on her, i was shocked and hurt, i didnt want to, so i didnt, i kept trying to be with my baby, she told me and told me and told me then finaly after 2 years of her telling me this someone where i worked showed me attention and it was wonderful, she told me things i longed to hear my wife tell me. now keep in mind by this time i took a job more then 100 miles away from my friends and family because my wife told me that she would like to live in the country and i was now able to buy her a big house that she always wanted and i was offered a real good job with benifits and everything we could want.. i thought this would make her happy.. but it didnt.. anyway...after six months in our dream home.. and after i was showed affection and being i craved it so badly after 3 years of nothing... i gave her money to leave.. and she left.. it was hard.. i have never hit my wife and i wouldnt even dream of it, she then met men and was sexual with a couple.. another thing i didnt understand because i wanted her so badly... i know its not me.. im a very good looking guy and i have ALOT of things going for me and alot of women that want me.. im not bad in bed this i know and i dont smell or anything.. finding women is NOT a problem for me... and never was... just being with my wife is... for some reason.... during this six months apart we were both with a couple different people.. even though i would be with someone else i would always want her... i am so devoted to my wife somtimes i think im obsessed.. jesus i dont even know why im writting this... it all seems so messed up and so simple at the same time... i would act crazy and call her all the time and IM her online and she wouldnt block me she would answer for what i think was the pure plesure to tell me to go away.. until i found someone then she would tell me how much she missed me.. well now she is back... i moved her back in myself.. i cried as much as a could and begged for forgiveness for kicking her out and explained numerous times how i ALWAYS just wanted her and no one else... i have cried so much that i dont think a can anymore for anything.... i am obsessed with these thoughts of her with other people i cant get them out of my mind.. when i tell her this she tells me that was non of my business and i should just stop thinking about it.. well its not that easy.. i have no control and it hurts so bad.. she still wont be with me sexually and gives me kisses on the cheek in which im insulted being that i she has slept with other people.. i just dont understand why she cant sleep with me.. she says that its been a very very long time and that we have been throught alot.. i thought that in order to work this out that we would at the very least have to try.. its killing me thinking of her just two months ago sleeping with someone else and she cant sleep with me.. i want to get these images out of my head and i cant figure out how cause i dont have any other images to put in there.. she wont do anything with me...like i said i get a kiss on the cheek.. she is more concerned with out bills and says she doesnt have the energy to work on things with me and that she doesnt know if she can be with me that way...when i ask then why is she back she says cause i wouldnt leave her alone.. i tell her the reason why is becuase i wanted to be with her.. not to mention she could have blocked me if it was that bad.. i jsut want to be with my wife...i dont get why she moved back in... i think maybe she just wants to be my friend or somthing but i dont look at her as just a friend i adore her so much that when we are sitting outside talking i need to look away cause seeing her beauty in front of me hurts so badly that i cant be close to her i need to not look at her.. i shake all the time.. my hands shake and i have a constant pain in my chest.. she tells me to just do other things... but i cant do anything.. i have lots of projects i could do but i dont have it in me to do anything.. to me i finaly have my wife back for what i thought was going to be a time to work things out but its not or somthing.. i dont understand why we just cant foget about the past and try to work it out.. i have ALWAYS been good to her and never been bad to her except at the very end when the last thing i heard from her was "dude its not going to happen" when i asked her to make love to me...ok.. i need to calm down.. honestly though.. i dont know how to make this pain stop... i just want it to stop.. i want to be able to breath again.. i want my wife but i seem to be coming to the conclusion as i have done before that she just doesnt want me.. but why does she play these games.. why is she back.. why is it ok to sleep with other people but not with me.. i gave up alot to be back in this mess...but im back.. i just cant cope .. i thought things would be different.. i thought we would try... how do i stop thinking?

very very desperate lonley confused.

uhg... i hope that made sense.. it probably didnt... im not making alot of sense lately.

 
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Old 07-26-2005, 12:14 PM   #2
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Re: someone please help me i think im losing it for good.

Oh Gosh, why do you do this to yourself? You are only hurting yourself big time. It will never work with your wife, I'm sorry to say. She has demonstrated time and time again that not only is she not physically attracted to you, but she also actually enjoys making you miserable and feeding into your insecurities and desperation. Your self-esteem is getting lower and lower because of this insane situation. You said yourself you are a good looking guy and other women want to be with you and pay you attention, so please don't torture yourself anymore and cut this woman out of your life. She is not going to suddenly change and start desiring you sexually and become the perfect wife showering you with attention and affection. She doesn't have it in her. All you doing by staying in this situation is allowing her to hurt you and your self-worth even more. I have no idea why she won't leave herself, but her motivation is beside the point here. You have to do it for your own sanity and future happiness. Get out of this pseudo marriage, take some time to heal and rebuild your self-esteem, and then start looking for a woman who is capable of loving you the way you're capable of loving her. Good luck!

 
Old 07-26-2005, 12:30 PM   #3
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Re: someone please help me i think im losing it for good.

Here is another look at the situation from a different standpoint.

This is what happens when you make someone else the center of your universe. When you give away everything you are in order to give someone else what you think they want.

I think that counseling to help you deal with the end of your marriage would be very valuable - and some additional counseling in how to have a healthy relationship where each person is a whole person without the other.

I'm not sure it's something that can be done over a message board in really serious cases or we'd sure give it a try here...

 
Old 07-26-2005, 12:30 PM   #4
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Re: someone please help me i think im losing it for good.

I know this is true... i think about it all the time... i dont know how to stop loving her or thinking about her... it does make my self esteem lower... she says that thats not her problem.. that i need to have my own self esteem and that she isnt to be responsible for it.. maybe im wrong but my ideas of marriage are that you give up everything in order to be with that ONE person and that if that person doesnt want you or says bad things to you you lose your self esteem.. alot that she does is wrong i know.. she MAY just be an evil person and i tell her all the time that she picked the wrong person to do this to.. i find myself feeling bad for what i did to her yet i cant really find what i did wrong besides cheating and even that i was told to do numerous times before i even thought about it... im a piceas.. i dream alot.. i know she wont EVER be what i want... i just cant figure out how to let it go expecialy now that she is back in my house with me and all her stuff is moved back in and it hasnt even been a month... she wants to go to couseling... does anyone think that would help? i kinda want to go just to see the counceler look at her like she is crazy.. i told her to find one and to make sure its a woman cause i dont know maybe there is a chance there.. i just cant bear the thought of losing the ONLY girl that i have EVER adored so much as i do her... blah.

i cant figure out how to stop... does excersizing really help? i just want to sleep.

 
Old 07-26-2005, 12:42 PM   #5
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Re: someone please help me i think im losing it for good.

Quote:
Originally Posted by t1196
I know this is true... i think about it all the time... i dont know how to stop loving her or thinking about her... it does make my self esteem lower... she says that thats not her problem.. that i need to have my own self esteem and that she isnt to be responsible for it.. maybe im wrong but my ideas of marriage are that you give up everything in order to be with that ONE person and that if that person doesnt want you or says bad things to you you lose your self esteem.. alot that she does is wrong i know.. she MAY just be an evil person and i tell her all the time that she picked the wrong person to do this to.. i find myself feeling bad for what i did to her yet i cant really find what i did wrong besides cheating and even that i was told to do numerous times before i even thought about it... im a piceas.. i dream alot.. i know she wont EVER be what i want... i just cant figure out how to let it go expecialy now that she is back in my house with me and all her stuff is moved back in and it hasnt even been a month... she wants to go to couseling... does anyone think that would help? i kinda want to go just to see the counceler look at her like she is crazy.. i told her to find one and to make sure its a woman cause i dont know maybe there is a chance there.. i just cant bear the thought of losing the ONLY girl that i have EVER adored so much as i do her... blah.

i cant figure out how to stop... does excersizing really help? i just want to sleep.
Hi, T1196 Your self esteem is down because your idea of marriage in terms of having to give up 100% in order to have a person is absolutely wrong. No marriage is giving all of who you are to another person in the sense of losing all that you are. No, marriage is when you continue to grow as an individual and compliment the other. Nobody should be left feeling less...each of you should feel more.

The one good thing that your wife suggests is that you seek counselling. You seem to be in a depression and in need of help to restore your self esteem and to find out why it is so low.

Yes, exercising and getting out of bed and out of the house around other people is very important. Please seek out some counselling.....you need to pull yourself out of the hole that you are in. Remember, most of all, that you are a wonderful person with or without your wife. ~ Goody

 
Old 07-26-2005, 12:53 PM   #6
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Re: someone please help me i think im losing it for good.

Do you know what you love about your wife anymore, or is your affection based on past memories and shared sessions of affection?

Also, you mention she treats you bad and you want her to stop... but she's not doing that. This is causing constant dissatisfaction with yourself for staying with her, and dissatisfaction of your life in general.

This decision will take work, and nothing will fall into place like you hope. But the decision to change something doesn't have to be as bad as you perceive it.

Definitely get a counselor to help you out.

 
Old 07-26-2005, 01:35 PM   #7
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Re: someone please help me i think im losing it for good.

T1196, your own words say that you changed in the attempt to please your wife. That means you are no longer the man she fell in love with because you were not true to yourself. Instead, you chased dreams of being what you saw as her ideal man and your values have shifted like the blowing sand.

You must refind yourself before you can be a suitable partner for any woman. It’s likely that you’ll need a counselor based on what you have expressed here. Considering that your wife has come back, it’s possible that you two could rebuild what you started with… if you’re willing to become what you once were… that is, true to yourself. Good luck!

 
Old 07-26-2005, 01:57 PM   #8
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Re: someone please help me i think im losing it for good.

Ok, maybe I'm confused. This is my question: was your wife EVER in love with you at any point of your relationship, and did you used to have a good intimate life? If so, and she only changed in the past couple of years, then maybe (a BIG MAYBE in my opinion) there could be some chance of repairing this marriage with lots of help of skilled marriage therapists, but if she has never treated you well or was never sexually attracted to you, I feel it's a lost cause. You are putting her on a pedestal and it's stroking her ego, that's possibly why she's not letting you go, but she is no saint and she knows it. She might be even acting out in a way she does to test your limits, and you are sadly letting her do anything and everything with no repercussions. Nobody really wants to be put on a pedestal and most people, men and women, would secretly prefer to be called on their bad behavior. It would make her respect you much more if you stopped putting up with her every whim. No husband should have to stay with a woman who treats him badly and refuses to sleep with him. what kind of a marriage is that?

 
Old 07-26-2005, 02:56 PM   #9
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Re: someone please help me i think im losing it for good.

Yes, I agree that you should immediately find out about getting some counselling and also, you might need to take antidepressants for awhile. You are very depressed. I could tell this immediately from your post. People that sleep all the time are depressed. You also have very low self esteem. Your wife is only crushing your self esteem further.

Get away from her immediately and start taking care of yourself. Do whatever it takes. If you do go on antidepressants, Effexor or Wellbutrin XL have the least sexual side effects. Wellbutrin XL has none and even increases drives.

Please get some help right away.

 
Old 07-26-2005, 04:09 PM   #10
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Re: someone please help me i think im losing it for good.

Do you even think you deserve happiness? Because I think, YOU think, you somehow deserve all this crap she is doing to you.

Your wife is a cruel, cruel woman. Do whatever you must to untangle yourself. Get help!!!

Please do one thing that I often wonder if very many poster do here, reread your posts. Most of the time, we need to hear ourselves in order to really HEAR ourselves. (in this case it is typing/reading, but the same applies) When I type my woes or tell them to a friend, alot of times, I stop and think about what just came out of my mouth.

Anyway, get away from her. Nobody lives together as man and wife or any other type of couple and treats a loved one as you describe.

Your frustration seems to be building. It's time to get out.

 
Old 07-26-2005, 05:48 PM   #11
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Re: someone please help me i think im losing it for good.

i think what is true is i have changed and im not the man she met 4 years ago... i blame some of this on her and one of the post that said i changed to what i thought she wanted was true.. yes our sex life was good for maybe a year and then when it disapeared and there are alot of other issues with her that i havent even gotten in to.. severe anxiety disorders, men in the past have cheated and abused her, no real mother or father and more abuse... she had told me that she stays with me cause im the only good guy she has ever known and i think alot of my feeling sorry for her makes me stay.. i want to help her, i want to know she is ok... the lack of intimacy is whats taking a toll and is the part of the marriage that is the worst and for a long time has been.. but i stick around cause we get along as friends and i adore her so mutch it hurts.. i keep thinking there has to be somthing that can save this cause if it didnt work out it would be a real shame being ya dont come accross someone or at least i havent that i adore so much... she does evil things and im not sticking up for her but they are usually done when we are fighting or im being a pain because we dont have any sort of intimacy but three years is a long time and i get a little weirded out, i guess i could just cheat again but i so dont want to do that... my self esteem is fine really... i know im wanted.. i have been out there dating for the last six months of her tellilng me to go away.. i had to do somthing with my time to take my mind off of her and sitting in this house i bought for her with things around reminding me of her wasnt working... i know im wanted and im good looking and im real real good at the things i do in life... its when im with her that i lose it cause she kisses me on the cheek when all i want is a kiss on the lips, she has a problem saying i love you which im sure is part of her upbringing and she cant do things like cuddle in bed or by a tv and she cant hold hands she says that its uncomfortable to walk that way..another thing i just dont get... and i get confused cause she says she wants to try again but doesnt try... in my eyes at least.. and im not expecting the world from her.. i know she has problems... i dont know.. your all right and i thank you from the bottom of my heart...antidepressants are somthing i have thought about.. the last thing i need in life right now is a antidepressent thats going to increase my sex drive thought...lol.. and when it comes to my wife i could be on the highest dosage of paxil and STILL want her... but i do think i need somthing and i have looked into councelers and most of them on my insurance need to be seeing one of the people involved in order to do marriage therapy.. so i was thinking of going myself ... it just feels funny cause all i want is a relationship with my wife.. as equals.. friends and lovers.. thats all.. and i need to go to a counselor because i want my wife and only my wife? it just sounds weird...i know it takes work .. she says im not the same person that i was when she met me that i was cooler then and had my things i do... and i was.. maybe she made me who i am now.. but i guess i cant disagree with her and i should try to be who i was but 4 years behind me now its making it hard to get back to that cool person i was.. not to mention back then i didnt have someone beating me down by never being intimate with me and telling me to go away... this would make one feel not wanted and depressed? right? so its going to be work... i guess i just needed to hear someone else say it and you guys have said it also... its funny but in this relationship she is the unemotional one and im the emotional one and i guess i know why.. she has been through stuff like this before i guess.. or bad relationships.. i have never been in a bad relationship... oh they would end.. but never bad.. like this.. never like this... im 37 years old and have had my share... this is ALL new to me.. i have had very long releationships to but never to someone with as many problems as she has.. i was brought up in a good family and basicly lead a very normal childhood.. il respect everyone that respects me and even some that dont.. blah blah blah...

i dont know.. and i do know.. but i guess since she is back and i single handed ly moved all her stuff back because i thought things MIGHT work out.. i guess i should just try.. what do i have to lose besides what i havent had for a very long time... my wife... in the process if i follow what im hearing i might be able to get the cool me that she once new and MAYBE it will be better and if its not then at the least the cool me would be back again.. and not the whinny, depressed, over emotional me that everyone including myself seems to be happy living without. i do need help in the meantime though and talking about it here has helped me and hearing what other people say has helped me.. im sick of being sad and feeling like im crying all day but not really.. like i get that feeling in my head like im crying but im not.. i just want to be a normal person again... i hope with her but if not then at least i will with some one else.. ah thats another fear of mine.. if i left her i would have to never talk to her again being i adore her so much it would definitly not be healthy for me or whomever i might meet...that makes me even more sad being i wont be able to help her when she has attacks.. ah.. im sure everyone is like jeez.... i never wanted this... i just wanted a normal relationship... do other people go through crazy stuff like this or am i special?


T

 
Old 07-26-2005, 05:56 PM   #12
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Re: someone please help me i think im losing it for good.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ibeeshell
Please do one thing that I often wonder if very many poster do here, reread your posts. Most of the time, we need to hear ourselves in order to really HEAR ourselves. (in this case it is typing/reading, but the same applies) When I type my woes or tell them to a friend, alot of times, I stop and think about what just came out of my mouth.

YES.. i do that all the time .. although.. i do it in my many emails to her explaining or trying to get her to understand how i feel and they are usually depressing....maybe those arent the best to read over and over... lol... but these i have and it has helped me realize things also...ya know.. now that i read this again i think maybe i have realized another thing.. maybe i AM a pain in the butt, and overwhelming.. although i have just become that way recently because i want to try to be with her again.. but still.. if i am now im sure its not helping.. maybe all i have to do is "be cool" but thats so hard... i cant control my thoughts thats the problem and my biggest thought is of her with other people and not me.. i wish i could stop that thought... and sometimes i wonder if a very primitive side of me has to have her even more now because i have to be the one in those thoughts of mine and not her with someone else.... do ya know what im saying? does anyone understand that.. like i have to make my mark... that sounds so bad but i dont know how else to say it.. uhg.. and she wont let me.. OH GOD.. maybe i do just have to move on .. problem is i cant just leave.. i have responsiblitlies here and ALL of her stuff is back .. it just never ends.

hmm.

T

 
Old 07-26-2005, 06:07 PM   #13
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Re: someone please help me i think im losing it for good.

Quote:
Originally Posted by glogreenfrog
Do you know what you love about your wife anymore, or is your affection based on past memories and shared sessions of affection?

Also, you mention she treats you bad and you want her to stop... but she's not doing that. This is causing constant dissatisfaction with yourself for staying with her, and dissatisfaction of your life in general.

This decision will take work, and nothing will fall into place like you hope. But the decision to change something doesn't have to be as bad as you perceive it.

Definitely get a counselor to help you out.
they are based on the past as far as intimacy goes.. when i am not thinking about bad things.. or wanting to be near her.. like if we are driving to the store or at a mall or walking in the woods.. we get along fine. we have the same interests and we can talk for hours... the problem is she doesnt know how to argue the right way and she gets real nasty and hurtful and tends to say the wrong things ALL the time... very seldom does she say she is sorry.. and part of the problem is she has a body type that i adore and is not all that easy to find.. i have tried to be with other types and i have a problem.. to me she is perfect although i am and will move on to another type if this last try doesnt work out.. im kinda ashamed to say that.. but i have preferences like anyone else and it just happens that my wife is my preference exactly.. perfectly without a flaw in my mind...

and i am very disatisfied with the fact that i had a couple chances to just let her go but i KEEP TAKING HER BACK for the same pain that i always get... i am very very mad at myself for doing it again.. although this time i am saying is the very last time and there will NEVER be another chance.

sigh
T

 
Old 07-26-2005, 06:36 PM   #14
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Re: someone please help me i think im losing it for good.

OK.... SO... if i am going to give this one LAST respectable chance... so at least I know that I tried through out the last 4 years of my life.. and maybe i wont look at them as being TOTALY wasted... because i tried my hardest... i have to figure out how to be the me that she met 4 years ago... so...

the things i dont know for the life of me how to do and are causing the most pain in my life which in turn is making me hard to live with and be close to (which is alot of what she is saying NOW) are

1. i need to be who i was and im depressed that i cant be cause i remember him and miss him.

2. i need to be able to control my thoughts at this point in my life.. thinking about her with other men is doing me and our trying no good... its one of the most horrible things to think about and actually makes my eye twitch when i think about it.. i cant see movies, read books hear songs with sexuall content for it makes me think.. its hard to go through life or even a little of life without sex being brought up or notices someplace.. and when i think about it , being a graphic designer and video artist and a very very visual person i think about the MOST horrible things i can think of and have no control over it as if it were a really bad porn movie in my head staring my wife and some guy... just writting about it is making my eye twitch.

3. i need to just get along with her as friends for a little to build our relationship again and make her think im cool again.. this is hard for there is alot of other things that make it hard all of which im sure you can get from my past posts or this post... but i need to do this some how...

would antidepressents help with these things somehow.. i know that paxil... i have taken this in the past for panic attacks i was having in which i used the drug to condition me into knowing they were only panic attacks and the weened myself off of them.. it worked... but it did take away emotion in me.. my grandmother died at that time and i didnt cry.. my grandmother was very close to me and i was sad but just couldnt cry... would somthing like that help me at this point to not think and just kinda be "cool" and with my depression that i cant seem to shake?

T

 
Old 07-26-2005, 08:20 PM   #15
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Re: someone please help me i think im losing it for good.

You definitely don't want to end up so drugged out that you can't have any emotions....I'm a teacher and I've seen students on ADD meds that end up like that, it's no way to live your life! That having been said, a major sign of depression is wanting to sleep your days away. You've mentioned that numerous times, and maybe seeing a counselor or doctor would be a good first step.

I'm reading a few things into your posts that are from an outside perspective but are perhaps way off base. If not, maybe they will offer some third party insight? First of all, it sounds to me like your wife might be interested in you more financially then romantically. It sounds like you are well-off and have provided her with of the material things she wants (a house in the country, etc.). I also get the impression that she is very beautiful and has been bred to feel she deserves these material things. She seems to push you away and pull you close at her whim, coming back to you when she can't find Mr.Moneybags somewhere else. Is there any truth to this, because that's the impression I got reading between the lines.

I also am reading into this that you are largely into this woman based on physical appearance. You talk a lot about how she is "perfect" for you, but then only describe how she is physically exactly what you want. If you really love someone, they will appear gorgeous to you.....I speak from personal experience on this one. That's not to say that you should date people you aren't attracted to, but physical attraction is only one factor in having a healthy relationship. Don't stay with this woman just because she's your physical vision of perfection. There are plenty of other wonderful women out there who would be handling this situation a lot better then your wife, and while they may not be her physical double they will appear a lot more attractive when they aren't putting you in the pain that she is! Perhaps I'm wrong on this one, but make sure you are with this woman for the right reasons.

Hope those insights help. In either case, please feel free to share your feelings ad nauseum on these boards. I hate thinking that you (or anyone!) is out there feeling so anguished and depressed without someone to talk to. These boards are here to help, so talk away!

 
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