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Old 07-28-2005, 06:16 AM   #1
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Cindy_S74 HB User
Unhappy Is it me or something else?

We have been together for 5 years married for 2.5 of those years. We have a 19 month old child together. We both have been married before.

I don't know if I'm expecting to much or what but things with hubby have changed so much lately. Either he is sleeping or on the computer all the time. Never any time for us. A marriage takes time even if you have to make the time. It seems like I'm the only one working on the marriage. We hardly ever sit and talk anymore. Hardly ever cuddle anymore. He hardly touches me anymore. Sex is getting less and less. No passion, no desire. When it's time for bed, he will give me a kiss and roll over. I feel like we are room mates.

All the housework and yard work I do. I have asked for help with the yard work but he doesn't help. When he use to do the yard work I would always help him. Even when I was pregnant I was there helping him. This past weekend I done all of it again. When I would come inside to fold the clothes he was either asleep or on the computer. He wouldn't even change the baby's diaper. I worked from 9 to about 2 doing housework and yard work. Got time for supper and him and my son asked what's for supper?! I said I don't know, y'all tell me what's for supper. Hubby said sandwiches. So I cooked anyway. At times he will ask me to do something for him. Fix him something to drink, fix him something to eat, go pick up something for him,do this, do that, etc. I ALWAYS do it no questions asked.

There are things around the house that need to be done. He said make me a honey do list. I did! At first things started getting done but now they don't. It's gotten to the point to where I just do them myself if I can or get somebody else to do them for me.

Once a month we go visit my family. They are 2 hours away. The last 3 times we have went I had to beg him to go. We are suppose to go this weekend again and he has already said he is not going. If we want to spend the night to go ahead, he is not going. I asked him why and he said he has something he needs to get done. I asked him couldn't you take your lap top and he said no he wants to be sitting in front of his computer. Like he don't spend enough time there now. We have had talks before about the time he spends on the computer. Granted it's less now than it use to be during the week but on weekends nothing has changed. The only reason it's less during the week is because he works 12 to 14 hours a day now. Off on weekends. I understand he is tired from working so many hours but if he is not to tired to get online, then that is time we need to be spending together.

When we first got together I said he was one of these men that was few and far between. He would do anything I asked, there was time for us, etc. Now he just seems like the rest of the men. NO OFFENSE GUYS!!! I'm talking about the men I have had dealings with. Seems like I'm being taken granted for again.

So is it me or something else? I can't understand it. He says I don't seem happy and chipper like I use to be. I just tell him nothing is wrong. Maybe I'm just expecting to much from him and this marriage. I don't know.

 
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Old 07-28-2005, 07:31 AM   #2
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DaVinci HB User
Re: Is it me or something else?

It does appear he is taking you for granted. However whatever we ask of other people we should be willing to ask of ourselves. Are you taking him for granted also?does he know how much you appreciate him for all the hours he puts in at work?when he accomplishes a task at home, is he rewarded with something he wants or is he rewarded with another task?
The magic and excitement and sexual lustings in all relationships do fade somewhat with time as you have experienced in previous relationships. But if you have a solid foundation of love, support and friendship the relationship will endure and turn out much better than the meaninglessness of the first stages of relationships. Not to say excitement and sex are not important, but are you somewhat contributing to it, that is, do you look like a housewife, a mom?are you still dressing to impress or are we into the track pants and flannel nighties?You seem to be a good housewife and mom but are you fun to be around?are you his friend?you want him to come in the door and can't wait to tell you about his day, not afraid if he is in the same room he'll get yet more work. Yes, I know it has to be done, but when men feel love they want to do tasks for their women.
One more thing, the computer has replaced the T.V as the next "brain dead" activity. It's a "I don't have to really think, and can kind of veg-out thing." I have to watch myself also so as not to over do it also.
Reel him back in with love appreciation; show him that he is wanted and needed.

 
Old 07-28-2005, 08:20 AM   #3
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greeneyes100 HB User
Re: Is it me or something else?

I have to agree somewhat with the other poster that he is working very long hours, and if I were him, I would be extremely exhausted. Evidently, he is not exhausted enough to get on the computer in his spare time! I'm wondering what's up with that??

However, he must have some time off, and when he does, you should both be sharing quality time together.

As far as doing the household chores, since he is working that many hours per day, I don't see how he could possibly have a lot of time to help with the household chores during the week. However, I do think he should help out on the weekends, especially with yard work.

You need to sit down and tell him what you are feeling. He can't read your mind.

Also, it could be that he does not feel appreciated and he may be secretly harboring some resentment toward you.

When your husband asks you why you don't seem as happy, tell him. Talk to him.

As far as your sex life, do you ever initiate anything? Why don't you try that when he is feeling less tired from his heavy workload and rested.

I think what you have here is a lack of communication. I hope you can work it out. Good luck.

 
Old 07-28-2005, 08:20 AM   #4
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airey HB User
Re: Is it me or something else?

What does he do on the computer all the time. Is he involved with an on-line romance? I don't think it's fair to start blaming the women all the time when the man's kicking back.

 
Old 07-28-2005, 08:43 AM   #5
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Is it me or something else?

I think what bothers me the most about your post is that he's not wanting to go with you for the weekend - that he has "something to get done". What is that something?

I would be tempted to see if my family could come and visit ME for a change. Or show up at home early instead of staying the night.

It is also possible that he's just totally overwhelmed by having a child. Feels imcompetent, sees you as a mother figure instead of a wife leading to less passion and desire. Did he have a traditional childhood himself with a strong male father figure?

My first instinct is to watch for other signs that he's straying a bit. But the other possibility exists. Maybe its time to have your family visit you for the overnights until you know what is going on...

 
Old 07-28-2005, 10:03 AM   #6
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Cindy_S74 HB User
Re: Is it me or something else?

I'm going to try to respond to all of the post in this one.

DaVinci No I'm not taking him for granted. I asked for help 2 times and he never did anything so I haven't asked again. I'm not one to keep asking. When he finishes a job I don't expect another one to be done right then and there. He was the one who suggested making the list that way he could get them done. Yes he knows how much I appreciate him working the long hours. Especially considering he is not making the kind of money he should be making with those long hours. Job is not what he was told it would be. He is in the process of looking for another job. I stood by his side when the job he had for 22 years, he no longer has because of knee problems. I was there when he was gone for 8 weeks training for truck driving. Only seen him for 2 days in 8 weeks. That didn't work out. He couldn't stand being away from home that long and the money wasn't there. I was there when he was gone for 2 weeks training for the job he has now and when my son was in the hospital and had to have emergency surgery to remove his appendix and had to stay for 8 days. I needed him then but he wasn't around and I knew he couldn't be because he was trying to take care of his family. I'm able to stay home and work and take care of our kids too. This is what he wants. I told him I would get out and get a job but he said no he would rather have me at home. I look today as I looked the day he met me. Not into track pants and flannel nighties as you put it. Everytime we go somewhere I make sure I look good. Yes there are days sitting around the house I don't get made up but he told me from day 1 that if I didn't wear make up and etc. it would not matter to him one way or the other. He is happy with the way I am he said with make up or without. Yes I am his friend. I want to do everything with him. I want him to go places with me. When he comes home at night, I turn the TV off in the living room and come to the bedroom where he is. If I'm on the computer when he gets in, I get off. No matter what it is, he is always tired. To go somewhere he's tired, whatever, he's tired. I get tired too but I try to make a point to be with him.

greeneyes100 I don't expect the help during the week from him on the housework. I work at home so I'm able to keep up with the housework also but on the weekends when I have so much to do he could help out. Why can't he watch the kids and give me a break on the weekends for a few hours? But no I do all the housework and yardwork and still have to come inside and change diapers and gives baths. Especially with some of the yard work. Or if I do that, help out inside. Something. And I agree we need time together but there is none it seems like. 9 times out of 10 I'm the one who initiates sex. Most of the time I get told he's tired. This is not something that just started since working the long hours. This has been like this for a while now. I forgot to add when I first wrote this. I'm 31 and he is 48. 17 years difference. I know with age things go downhill but.......if he can get online and look at pictures then why is he not interested me? When he can have what he wants when he wants how he wants. I know this is something that men do but it makes a woman feel like crap when you are turned down and the moment I'm outside working my butt off or in town shopping for our groceries or doing an errand for him he is on the computer. When I walk in the door, he closes everything out most of the time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he is addicted to porn but it makes no sense to me. Here I am but he would rather look at something online he can't have when the real thing is right here. Yes we have talked about this before too. The problem is not because he looks, the problem is because I can't understand it.

airey No I don't think he has an online romance. From what I can tell he has "certain" websites he visits. Does his family tree, coin collecting, etc. God all kinds of stuff. But I feel like I have been replaced by a computer. Before the computers were moved to our bedroom (moved out of other room to make a bedroom for the baby), he would go in the other room, close the door, and stay there for hours. I mean the wee hours of the mornings sometimes. When he would come in from work, he would go there first. Walk right by me straight to the computer. Get off long enough to eat and take a shower. Yes I have checked as far as what he does online. I mean spending that many hours online I thought something was up. I checked and still check at times. I have found nothing other than "certain" websites he visits.

Ruth6:11 the something he has to get done is a resume for checking on a new job. That's why I asked him to take his lap top but he says he still will not go. My family can't come visit us. My mom is disabled so it's easier for us to go over there than them come over here. And I doubt we spend the night. Probably will just go for the day. Anytime he goes he don't want to spend the night but when he doesn't go he wants us to. As far as seeing me as a mother figure instead of a wife. I had a son(from previous marriage) when we met so I was a mother then and there was not a problem with it then. His father got killed in a wreck when he was 8. He had 3 different step fathers.

Yes I know I need to talk to him but I'm scared he will get mad. To him it seems like there is not a problem. That's why I said maybe I'm expecting to much. And I don't know how to start it. I mean I can write better than I can talk to him...not just to him but anybody. I have always been like that.

I don't know what else to do. I THINK I'm doing my part but it seems like he is not.

 
Old 07-28-2005, 01:13 PM   #7
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greeneyes100 HB User
Re: Is it me or something else?

You really need to talk to your husband about your feelings. If he gets mad, then so what! Are you afraid he will leave if you tell him how you feel?

Your needs are just as important as his, and they are not being met.

But the communication must start somewhere if you want the situation to change.

I don't understand why he doesn't want you to work. I think you should get a job. That way you won't feel so dependent on your husband financially.

Also, how long has it been since your intimate relations have been almost non-existent? This is a red flag, especially if you are doing most of the initiating. I can see why you feel rejected and undesirable. Do you think maybe he is having an affair? You might want to keep your eyes and ears open to this possibility.

Just remember, you can always vent here. We all here to support you.

 
Old 07-28-2005, 03:14 PM   #8
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Cindy_S74 HB User
Re: Is it me or something else?

Well I do work I just work at home. I'm a child care provider. I like the job, that way I'm able to be at home with our baby and be at home when my son comes home from school. I had a public job when I met him. After moving to where he was, this is what I decided to do. At times I miss work outside the home but when I think about it, I love to work for myself. Don't have to answer to anybody, no work clothes to buy, no gas money, etc. It's not that he don't want me to work. He would rather me be at home with the kids too. But I enjoy it!!!!

The intimate relations has always been low. I knew this when we first got together. Just over the years(5 years) it's less and less. He would be happy with once a month. I'm not. But in the beginning he would start most of it but now I do it most of time. Use to it was everytime we seen each other which was about 3 times a week. Couldn't keep our hands off of each other. But over time that has went away. Now when we do, it doesn't last long, no passion, no desire in it. He said it has to do with his age. He is 48. I think that is part of it but not all of it. He has never been a very sexual person but I knew this from the start. Marriage is more than just sex. But when you have other problems it just seems like things are worse. I mean to even listen about his past(first marriage late 30's, first time having sex late 30's, only been with 2 women, me and his ex wife). He said he has fooled around with other women but only had sex with me and his ex. Like I said eariler, he is one of the men that is few and far between. Couldn't ask for a better husband, step dad and dad. I guess just the lack of communication on my part is the problem. But tonight we will have a talk.
I honestly can say I don't think he is having an affair!!! With his long hours he wouldn't have the time anyway. But I know I don't have to worry about that. He is not the kind to cheat. We talk about other people's affairs and he says if somebody wants to do that then why be married. If you are married you are committed to that person and only that person. So him cheating, I don't have to worry about.

 
Old 07-28-2005, 07:53 PM   #9
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greeneyes100 HB User
Re: Is it me or something else?

Well, I am very happy to hear you are going to start talking. This is very important in any type of relationship!

Are you happy with the intimate relations being few and far between? As long as it doesn't bother you, it's not a problem. But if your sexual needs are not being met, it is a problem and something you need to address.

You deserve happiness and nothing less, just remember that. Good luck!

 
Old 07-29-2005, 04:52 AM   #10
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Cindy_S74 HB User
Re: Is it me or something else?

Well to be honest, I'm not happy with the intimate relations but I make do. I understand he doesn't want it as much as I do. It's about once a week. IF I'm really lucky twice a week sometimes. But if the cuddling, etc. was still there it would help make up for the lack of sex also.

 
Old 07-29-2005, 05:41 AM   #11
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JustErin HB User
Re: Is it me or something else?

hi cindy............you have a real headscratcher on your hands
the first thing that pops in my head is, it must be an affair. and he was a virgin until his 30's???? wow! please, don't be offended by this.....but- could he be gay? and when you say you check the computer, do you mean you have some sort of spy-ware or do you look in the history menu? if you're just looking at the history menu, it can be altered to hide websites visited.
one more thought........male menopause!??!

 
Old 07-29-2005, 10:28 AM   #12
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Cindy_S74 HB User
Re: Is it me or something else?

LOL...NO he is not gay!! Even though I joke about that sometimes too...lol. He was a home body. Into other things more than girls. His brother was the same way. You don't find many men like that.

Check his history, temp. internet files. He told me all of his passwords so that's not a problem. He said anytime I want to check his email go ahead. I honestly believe he is not having an affair. I can account for where he is at all times. Even at work, with his job, no time for that. His paycheck will reflect that and no problems there.

male menopause....could be I guess.

Last edited by Cindy_S74; 07-29-2005 at 10:37 AM.

 
Old 07-29-2005, 10:45 AM   #13
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greeneyes100 HB User
Re: Is it me or something else?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cindy_S74
LOL...NO he is not gay!! Even though I joke about that sometimes too...lol. He was a home body. Into other things more than girls. His brother was the same way. You don't find many men like that.

Check his history, temp. internet files. He told me all of his passwords so that's not a problem. He said anytime I want to check his email go ahead. I honestly believe he is not having an affair. I can account for where he is at all times. Even at work, with his job, no time for that. His paycheck will reflect that and no problems there.

male menopause....could be I guess.
You could have his doctor prescribe Viagra!

 
Old 07-29-2005, 10:46 AM   #14
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evy38 HB User
Re: Is it me or something else?

He sounds like a nice guy who's taking his wife for granted. Things are too easy and he's gotten too comfortable with his life. If he has become a lazy lover, you have to take a bit of blame for letting him get away with it. As for what to do about it... doesn't Goody have an excellent thread, that has been going on forever, on putting the spark back in a marriage?

 
Old 07-29-2005, 12:09 PM   #15
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JustErin HB User
Wink Re: Is it me or something else?

the only thing i can think of is cheating.............you obviously know your hubby better than me, but i keep coming back to an affair. i've dated some pretty crafty cheaters, so i've learned a few things.............my ex went to work came home on time and everything, but something just didn't feel right, so i started checking..........he cheated WHILE at work in the parking lot, and had a hotmail address that i didn't know about. he also gave me all the passwords...........but my gut just told me something wasn't kosher.................and it wasn't. now that i think about it, it must be male menopause with your hubby..............it doesn't sound like he would be very good at covering his tracks, since he's never been the tomcat type.
you're a lucky girl!!
why not find a babysitter one evening, rent an adult movie, and meet your hubby at the front door in something sexy ready to act out the movie as it plays.........if he doesn't rip your outfit off and have you right there..............it's definitly male menopause (LOL)

 
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