Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)
I'll try and put as much info into one post as I can to get the picture of our lives. I've been a member of these boards for a while and wanted to come here to seek help/thoughts.
Married for almost 10-years now, two children ages 4 and 2. I'm a work at home dad, she is a professional mom who works 8-to-6 daily.
Over the past couple of years she has been trying to get me to move back to our hometown area, which I gave in earlier this year so she could be happy. She hasn't seemed to be happy with any job she has, thus has worked for four different places in three years (including the one now with our move).
The past couple of months she has been somewhat distant, we both have. This move has been hard on me, but she started to act differently. She was always one to walk in the house at night upset that something wasn't picked up, or that I might have not done the dishes. But the past couple of months it's been to where we haven't spoken much.
We've had our issues as any married couple has. I've tried to get her to go seek help with me, to work on our issues. We saw a counselor one time, and after that she was never able to make it due to her 'busy' schedule w/work.
But over time, things have cooled off (issues) and we have learn to deal with silly things, but always been there for eachother to do things together with our kids. We would go to the park, on trips together, ect.
Now, I need to add... we have money issues. Debt that has added up over time that we have a hard time with. I make more money than she does and it comes in chuncks throughout the year... so there might be times where I don't get anything in for 8 weeks. But when I do, it's about 1/3 of the average yearly paycheck for the national average. I've felt she resents the fact I get to work at home and she has to go out and work in an office setting.
The past couple of months, she has gone out with friends to hang out one last time with them, so to speak. One time, she was out until 3 a.m. and I wasn't happy about it... to which she got defensive.
She would get ****** that I acted jealous or that I would even think she might be cheating (I know the stats of a professional woman comparied to men, so I've jokingly brought it up with her).
We moved down here and last week came to me saying she was done with our marrage. She said she didn't feel connected with me, that she didn't feel supported and that I should have seen it coming. She told me she feels trapped because we've been together since she was 16. I told her if I had, I would have hoped we would try and work things out for the sake of our marrage and for mainly our children.
She said she needed to give it time, a month or so, to see if I was making an 'effort'. Since that talk last week, I've got a 2nd job (on top of my well paying job now) and have made a commitment to finish my last few hours of college.
I have wrote her love letters, put together albums of us and our life together, and of course sent her flowers with little notes.
During all this, I've had that 3% feeling she was cheating on me. She got a new cell phone and it's been attached at her hip. She would take it everywhere, even jogging. Before this, she would leave it in her car (never get in touch with her).
Well, this past weekend she went back to our town we just moved from for a Wedding Shower (which was an actual event)... but while I'm trying to give her room, I didn't bother her. Didn't call her to 'check up' on what she was doing.
I woke up Sunday and wanted to see how she was. Never answered her phone. I then text messaged her, no luck. Finally mid-afternoon she calls me mad acting like I was... (yes)... checking in.
Well, yesterday I got her new flowers and put a note in it "From your secret admirer". I thought it was cute, sort of me getting back to my roots of romance and when we first started to date.
She came home and never said a word about the flowers. That shot my 3% feeling up to about 40% that she was cheating.
So, I asked her... "Are you not going to tell me what you got today at the office"? I was sort of joking to see her reply, she then finally acted like, "OH, I know they were from you. Thanks". I felt really horrible then.
Later, I got online and checked her yahoo.com email that she set up when we moved here. What do I see? Notes from a guy that she told me had been coming on to her at work where we used to live (married guy). Love notes on how much he misses her and misses her touch and kisses...
The news tore me up. I am still in a state of shock. I called her right away and she denied it, then after finding out I had proof... she admitted to it and acted like I should have seen this coming. Like it was my fault (due to the issues she brought to me last week).
So now she is at her parents and we haven't spoken since last night. She told me yesterday when I got face to face with her that she didn't love me anymore. She got really defensive about the cheating and said it wasn't adultry, that it never went more than kissing and hanging out. She said it wasn't an 'affair' and that it didn't mean anything to her, but that she was tired of our marrage.
Here I am, devestated. Moved to a new town and am alone. I don't know what to do. Her mom thinks I need to give her space and that she wasn't going to be with this guy while under her roof. But I don't know. She hasn't apologized for this... she only got upset when I told her I felt his wife needed to know what has been going on for the sake of their lives.
So again, what do I do? I love her too much and care too much about our family to not forgive her. But if we do get divorced, what then? What about the kids?
I'm lost and just really in a bad spot. I need some good advice from someone who knows.
Thanks for anything and for reading this long post.
Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)
Wow. I probably won't be able to give you any advice like some of the other posters on here, but I can give support. This must be devestating. I am so sorry that your wife is doing this to you.
Yes she was cheating. She is an emotional cheater. That in some ways is actually worse. Kissing is also cheating when your married! How dare her say all that isn't cheating!
Right now don't worry about the kids- Everything will play out as it should with them. I know it must be hard to live in a new town alone. I know how that feels. Just know that everything will be okay in the end. Your wife doesn't deserve you. People always think the grass is greener on the other side- not really.
I'm sure your wife will see what it is like to be away from you- your all she knows, and want to come back eventually. I'm not sure if you even want her coming back, but she will probably not like the feeling of being alone and doing everything on her own. I'm also wondering if the other man will leave his wife...
Keep your head up and know that their is some great advice on these boards, and tons of support!
Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)
Tell his wife what's going on. There should be consequences for her doing this and she doesn't want to own up to them. Why should you silently pay the price for something you weren't involved in? You're wife should
'cover this bill'. Also, the other wife has a right to know this information, as you did.
She has no remorse? Time for a divorce. There's nothing more unsettling than her pushing blame on you regarding lacking qualities in the marriage, and finding that she knew better the entire time.
If you don't want to split up permanently, at least collect evidence of the unfaitfulness.. like printing out the e-mails with the content regarding cheating, etc., and don't trust her. Consult a lawyer regarding 'just in case' scenerios.. like what if SHE files for divorce down the road without warning? I would think you deserve her actions being taken into account should a divorce happen.-- And she has demonstrated being unpredictable and dishonest about her feelings, so you need to start preparing for the worst case scenerio..even if you two reconcile. (Keep a journal of events, dates, times, etc.)
Good luck, I'm sorry she is selfish-- some people don't know what they have until they loose it.. then it's too late.
Last edited by glogreenfrog; 08-09-2005 at 10:51 AM.
Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)
Broken Arrow, I was in your spot over 3 years ago. I found out my wife was having an affair with her boss (she is still with him). I found out by reading her journal. My world turned upside down, I was in shock for a long time. It was hard for me to understand it was over. You are not going to like what I have to say now but.. in all likelihood your marriage is over. It's going to take sometime for you to realize this, but it is. However, I can promise you that you'll be happy again. I have children as well and my initial reaction once the rage was gone was to work things out for the children. She didn't want to, yes, we took a few months to figure things out but she then wanted a divorce. It was extremely difficult. But I am very happynow, my kids are good, the most inportant thing is (assuming you go down the same road I did) is to maintain a good relationship with their mom, it's much better for the kids.
Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)
ttt, in the back of my mind I know that it's probably over. Working out issues that we had is one thing, but when you break the vowels you made in the eyes of God... that's another issue.
I am numb, in shock and only want to go on because of these two little girls I have.
Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)
Your little girls are worth going on and on and on for. Your wife, on the other hand..... I can't figure out why the whole, "It's all your fault I cheated", excuse works so well when a cheater uses it on a loved one. A cheater needs to take full responsibility for the actions of cheating. We all know marriages get stale, couples start to take each other for granted. But, there seem to be two types of people out there, one type is the person who wants to fix the marriage, protect the emotional investment. The other type of person, breaks vows, looks outside the marriage for some immediate gratification, and destoys a marriage in the process.
What do you want Broken Arrow? Do you want to keep your marriage? Move on from it? Do you know? Could you stay in the marriage knowing she cheated on you, has no remorse, and takes no responsibility for her actions? You've seen an incredibily selfish side to your wife, one you may not have known she had. Can you live with that part of her again?
Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)
Broken Arrow,
A lot of people try to keep their marriages together for the sake of the kids. But kids are smart, they know!!!! It isn't healthy.
I'm not so sure about telling his wife, though. Do you know him? Is he aggressive? What if he comes after you for that? I would be careful there.
Your wife chooses to blame you because she can't face what she has done. Affairs are hurtful to everyone.
Even if she wants to work it out, it is a hard road ahead! Try imagining yourself forgiving and forgetting COMPLETELY and getting on with your lives. Never dredging it back up during fights or being suspicous as to why she is 30 minutes late getting home from work. Can you do that in order to fix your marriage? Not many can.
Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)
I want to forgive her. I pray to God that this was no more than a 'first base' type deal. There was no talk of sex in the emails I read... but my friends think I'm crazy for believing that.
I want to forgive her but right now, her not sorry for what she has done... I don't know if I can go on like this living with her.
We haven't spoken in 24 hours now. I don't know when we will again, right now her parents are the middle people in regards to the kids.
Again, this just sucks. I thought I would never have to deal with something like this... that we would always be together. I've known her for almost half my life now, as she has with me. I just don't get why she could take it this far.
As for telling his wife, I don't know him and I've left a message on his work voice mail but I doubt I hear from him. He lives in another part of the state and is unlisted. IF I did tell his wife and he 'tried' to come after me, it's not a good idea. I'm a 6'4 230-pound former US Army guy with a gun collection
Thanks everyone, I'm glad I posted here. Even though I don't know anyone, I feel I am getting input from friends.
Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)
Learn to forgive and move on. If there is still love there I don't see why the marriage can't be repaired. If she is willing to change and you two can learn and grow from this it would benefit both of you. Sometimes lots of hard work and struggling is worth it in the end.
Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)
I would think I can forgive her... but she hasn't shown any sign of being sorry for what she has done to us. I haven't spoken to her since Monday night.
Last night I put my littlest girl to bed and she didn't want to let go of me (2-years old). She put her hand on my face so she knew I was next to her as she went to sleep... She doesn't want to see daddy leave the room. "Daddy, don't leave. Be with me Daddy."
She used to never do this.
I just broke down right there for the first time. Up to that point, I've been unable to cry.
People are telling me to be strong, stop moping around, but how? How do you deal with this? The thoughts of some guy w/my wife is constantly in the back of my mind... and at the pit of my stomach.
Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)
This is not an issue of forgiveness at this point. The following are required for any hope of reconciliation. The cheating spouse MUST be:
1. Sincerely remorseful
2. Dedicated to repairing the damage
3. Acceptance of all responsibility for actions of broken trust
4. Desirous of a continued life together
You have no control over any of these. You do have control over whether you accept the reality of whether these things exist in your wife or not.
There is no urgency to act today. But maintain dignity, as painful and difficult as that can be.
Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)
I'm not sure how best to put these things to you, but here goes.
She is lying about the affair and will always lie about it unless you can prove her wrong. You will never, and I mean never ever know exactly what she has done without question. Think of the worst things in your mind and put those with what she has told you, and it's probably somewhere in the middle.
Move back home and take the kids with you. Move back in with your parents if you can. File for divorce and full custody of the kids. Offer her visitation rights if she wants them. You could end up in this mess on the other end of the stick if you don't act now. You will be betrayed doubly. You don't have to be ugly to her (soon to be ex-wife), but you need to stand your ground on important issues that will haunt you 10 years or more from now. I know in your heart this is not what you want to do, but you need to take charge and do what's right for your family. When you lay your head down at night, all you want to feel is hurt and loneliness, not regret. It will be much harder on you to work things out with her, and impossible if she is not "eager" and I emphasize the word to work things out. If she is not, your best bet is to move on. You do not want to wake up in 10 years nowing you wasted all that time in a bad marriage that was doomed from this point forward and you cheated yourself from the good times and happiness you could have had without all the negativity surrounding you.
You are not her father, nor should you try to be. Let her grow up on someone else's time, not yours. If she thinks what she has done is your fault, let her learn on her own that truth.
Do your best to stay sane around the kids. There will be times when it is so hard as you have experienced already. You don't want to be a downer on them all the time. Try your best to remain positive around them and not be a narcissist or a sob. Trust me. You need some help with this, and that's why I advise moving back home with mom & dad. It would only be temporary, anyway. She has left you and the kids at home now and moved back to her parent's house? My god, that's selfish. Treat this action as such also.
Now is the time to take control back of your life also. You may feel you have negotiated a large part of yourself away during your marriage, and have learned the hard way that making your wife happy by giving in all the time is not making her happy. This goes back to a maturity standpoint also, and it's not your job to tell her what to do, so let her learn the hard way also. You need a woman you can trust and that loves unconditionally so that you can reciprocate these feelings. You deserve loyalty and compassion. You do not need what you have recieved and at some point you will figure out that you have allowed these things to happen to you by giving more than you have recieved and not held her accountable for her actions.
You will live, man. Don't forget this. You have 2 beautiful kids, and you are wiser and stronger when this is over with.
Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)
Thanks for the posts.
rolltider, we left it to where she wanted me to leave. The problem is, we are living in a house given to us by her family. I am currently here, spending the day with the girls and then at night, she will take them. This is all done via her parents. I haven't spoken to her.
I also am worried about the 'stats' of a divorce and kids. The last US number was about 72% of the women get full custody of the children. It's 9% for the dad and then 17% for split.
How much does the 'affair' play into the eyes of a court? When she came home and saw the web browser open to the webmail, she deleted them. Thankfully, I printed all of them out. What about the fact she can't get straight with work? 4 jobs in 3 years while I've had basically one... which is an at-home online job.
I also have a few things going up against me (IMO). If you look at my past history, I had a problem with pain killers when I screwed my back up a couple of years ago, not taking them for pleasure but for pain and then got dependant on them. I haven't taken anything in over two years now. Not sure if that would hurt me if brought up.
And then, like I said, I am living in her parents house.
But that being said, I don't want to take time away from her with the girls. I want her to get 50-50 split with them if it comes to that.
Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)
I just wanted to add to my previous post. You need to do some extreme soul searching on this. I am sure you are and she needs to respect you for that. You need to give an ultimatum and if she steps outside that then it may be time to end it. Its tough having children involved and hopefully that doesn't cloud the reality of your situation. Hang tough soldier.
Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)
I am no legal expert by any means, but I would'nt expect to get full custody under those circumstances. She would really have to be a mess (drugs,dangerous behavioural issues) for you to get full custody. Unless it would freak a judge out (100 men, or some sick things), the affair would not play that heavily in your favor as you would think. You will have to negotiate with her for the visitation and come to some agreement.
You would get killed in court with the drug issue, if true you have been clean for past 2 years, you should keep quiet about it and work towards a peaceful resolution. She is much more inclined at this point to concede some things to you, since she is the one whose word means zip right now. If things get ugly, you will get screwed. Especially if she gets a lawyer and her mom and dad help her pay for it.
Split custody is tough, especially with distance involved. You can't stay there in her parents house forever. You will probably have to move and her parents can let her and the kids live there. Can't advise you on the best plan for you here, but the quicker you move, the better. If they are normal parents, they will give her a hard time, but she will fill them with enough spite for you and they will only hear one side of the story. They will turn on you at some point. Especially her mother. I may be wrong, but it would be rare(that her mother would support your take on things for very long). It may take some time too, it could be a year or more before it happens. Count on not getting support from her parents from an emotional stanpoint at any time.
You need to go ahead and start preparing yourself for a divorce, even if you don't do it. Get an itemized list of everything you own, set a best case scenario for splitting time with the kids, and start making a plan to move out.
Dude, I have been there. Getting wronged, living off her parents to a degree, it will make you feel like a self sacrificing shmuck. You need to reinvest in your self worth, regardless. If she comes crawling back in 2 weeks, you still need to do this. You need to make decisions based on your family's long term health and welfare, and don't forget you are the "man of the house" . I don't mean to sound negative or push you to look down upon women, but I put myself into my mess by not taking charge and "demanding" that things were "right" as I felt they should be. I was the peacemaker type and let her do whatever and gain too much control, which she abused to the nth degree, and then turned it all on me like her selfishisness was all my fault.
Stand up for yourself and what you feel is right. If there is going to be reconciliation, you must demand terms and goals. If she can't meet these, you need to resort to plan B, which is 10 times worse now, but the other is 20 times worse later.
I'm sorry to be so full of opinions and not much "feely" support, but I wish I had someone to talk to me at the time about "real" things, and not just "hang in there man" or "how could she do this" type stuff. I reconciled things over 5 years ago, and to this day have doubts and regrets. Each situation is different, and no one can tell you exactly what to do, but some people have been there and have made mistakes (like myself) to warn you of things. I'm open to anything you want to ask.
Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)
You see, I heard differently about my hydrocodone use. Since I am no longer taking them and haven't for a couple of years, it would likely be a non-issue. It's not like I was doing coke or H. I was taking them for a legit medical problem and became dependant on them due to how those pills work. You take 4 a day for 3 months, almost everyone gets dependant. Heck, no one even knew about it until I told my wife.
I just thought that since she cheated, I would have some benefit of the doubt. On top of it, I work at home and have been the primary care giver for basically their whole life. But again, I don't think either one of us would look for anything but a 50/50 deal.
Her parents already, mainly her mom, has come to me as the middle person... relaying messages, ect. She has said she is upset that my wife did what she did and that she feels that she has a teenager back in the home but she saw the problems coming for a while. Seems my wife talked to her parents about our issues more than she would with me.
As for the house, we were lucky to get a home (even though we are trying to sell our other home, 3 hours from here, so we do own). The person who lived here is in a nursing home and moving from where we were to here, we got to fix the place up and move in. It's not like we were mootching or lacking funds to pay for things. Sort of a temp place anyway. I do well in my business, which is just under a six figure job.
I do need to note, I have parents living just 35 minutes from here in another small town.
"I was the peacemaker type and let her do whatever and gain too much control, which she abused to the nth degree, and then turned it all on me like her selfishisness was all my fault."
This is almost exactly how I feel things have gone. I guess I never really saw it... but she would ***** about something and I would just blow it off, might spout back at first, but then ignore it. The thing is, the issues are so stupid. Toys laying around the house, dishes not done, ect. Guess over time it has built up.
She is never happy with anything. Never happy with the jobs she has, never happy about the line of work she is in (had to go to 3-years of post-college to get this job but would like to change already), never happy with the clothes she owns (she has spent tens of thousands on clothes), never happy with the fact I worked at home and she had to go out to an office, never happy about the amount of money I made. Hell, she has stated she would rather I work at Wal-Mart making $15,000 a year. Does that make sense? $85k with random paychecks or $15k a year with a bio-monthly check just knowing it would be there on time?
During all this I blame myself for two things. 1) I haven't been the romantic I was 10-years ago. I would send random flowers every now and then... but we all change and I have done that. I'm sort of a hermit in a way, but I am a family man first. Partying and going out is not my style anymore. Trust me, I was a party guy in college. 2) I allowed her to treat me bad way too many times that she thinks it's okay.
Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)
The drugs are a non issue unless you have a custody battle and have to go to court. A lawyer will rip you to shreds over this and make it sound 10 times worse than anything she ever did. If you don't go to court, I wouldn't worry about it.
It does worry me that her mother is acting as a go between. It must be frustrating to hear what "she said" and such without getting answers from her own face. I couldn't imagine not being able to ask the questions I wanted to and when I wanted to ask them. If she doesn't want to talk to you, you are really in a predicament for reonciliation. Trust me about her parents though. There will come a time when you are "stopping the progression of their daughters happiness" and you will be no more than their granddaughters father. I'm not telling you to cut them off or anything, just watch for signs that they are not supportive of you and take appropriate measures to emotionally defend yourself from that letdown It was really immature of her to talk to her parents about all of your problems. That is a big mistake always. It's none of their business and she will hopefully realize that one day. I could go off for another paragraph about women talking to their mothers about all of their problems when they just need to figure out how to get their thoughts out that a man can understand.
I used to work from home 75% of the time too as an account manager, and that is the exact thing I heard myself. Some people do not realize what they have until they **** it away. You were available for the kids, errands, etc. when you work from home, and she resents you for it. It also makes you look "not manly" to many women until this psuedo man she fantasizes about that's not "you" turns out to be a unresponsible degenerate liar who is a shell of a little man.
Don't blame yourself for everything! I think I might have been a little harsh earlier. There are some women out there that will not take advantage of your passiveness, but I haven't met them yet. Use this as to learn what's important to you and what things you require in a relationship that she did not meet and you didn't or couldn't emphasize to her. It's all a learning experience from here on out. I am still learning today. The difference now is I am much more aware of my and my spouses happiness and what is required to maintain this. I am no longer passive over many of these things. If she wants something I consider unneccessary (new clothes for going out to dinner friday night) and we don't have the money, I will die before she spends it. Where before I would eat a bologna sandwich and hope that money we didn't have would make her happy. Screw that. It's a two way street. I just hate it took so long for me to realize these things.
Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)
To start, no one should have to be in your position.. BUT, it happens and this is the time you need realize what's been done, what you need to do, and do it. And ANYTHING to do with getting back together is NOT the answer. You will never have peace of mind, constantly question the relationship, her being faithful.. and maybe even down the road, feel you missed out on maybe someone better who doesn't believe in cheating on you're husband? There ARE people like that out there, my mom never cheated on my dad.. ALTHOUGH, she DID talk about him. A big no no.. From the kids perspective - my parents divorced when I was 10. I'm 19 now. I live with my mom and the situation now, I have no relationship with my mom (CONSTANT fighting.. I honestly feel like she took her frustration w/ everything out on me, as I was the only person living with her - couldn't argue with my dad or brother, as they weren't here, so I was next in line. I've never fought with anyone else as long as I've been alive) Feel like I have a distant cousin who is actually my brother, just the fact that with the divorce he moved to a different city withmy dad and i went with my mom, and our parents seemed to have failed to make us keep in touch regularly, that when a birthday hit and it came time to talk on the phone, it was really awkward and just sort of stayed that way. And my dad, i dont feel like I know him at all, and wish i did, yet at the same time sort of feel confused like he says he wants to get to know me as well as my brother, yet he doens't call that often or only to return calls, and is only there financially. .. with that said - advice to you... you're children love you unconditionally... don't mess that up. Their mom on the other hand.. she isn't the person you fell in love with, so you don't want her anyways. But as for the kids, they love you, you know they do, and they will never stop. Just make it your duty that you keep it that way and let them know you feel the same. If you want them to be happy and have a positive outlook on the world, and feel like they can trust people.. you need to yes, be positive. Discipline if they need it, but don't fight about the little things.. no one wins that way. And as much as you may want to, NEVER talk about their mother badly or atleast to them, or so they can hear it. My mom would talk about my dad to me even when I was upset about him for some reason. Dont even agree wtih them. Tell them you understand, but dont take part in it. They will remember every word you said, it will change the way they see their mother and cause trust issues in their lives since two people who were supposed to care about each other are stabbing each other in the back, and lastly, they will resent you for putting those thoughts and feelings into their head. My dad has never said anything badly about my mom, and i totally see him as the bigger person. They need someone to look up to. Be that to them. And second, if for some reason the kids split up.. MAKE them keep in touch. MAKE them call their sister if not every two days, make it weekly. When they're older if they've drifted or are just not as close as they'd wish they were.. again, they'll be mad, and blame the divorce, and ... there's only benefits to keep them close. And if the custody doens't work out and you were long distance from the kids, or just not living with them or whatever. As busy as you may be.. it doens't matter WHAT the reason is, it will never be good enough to not call your children. Make sure there is a cell phone or something that they can contact you, and dont just call them back.. but call them regularly. My dad used to call all the time when I first moved with my mom, but I was always busy or said I'd talk to him later, and you're thinking, okay well that's my fault I woudl never talk to him... but this isn't a boyfriend, girlfriend game going on.. even if they dont have time, they need to konw that you're still thinking of them and they're important to you and you have time for them. If you're a person they can go to for advice, and just 'to talk' about hte little things.. like how they sprayed ketchup on the ceiling or soemthing rediculous liekthat, then you have a good relationship with them.. but when it starts to decline cause the calls start to slow down, the conversation shifts to a more 'since he's on the phone and i coudln't get through to him the last couple days, I better ask...' and it jumps to conversations about money, and books, or soccer shoes that they need, or .. i dont konw, it's not the same type of relationship. And it's not personal anymore.. And it sounds like your kids are your life, and I'm really glad that's the case, because as long as you feel that way you are going to do everything in their best interest, and this divorce wont effect them in anyway. it will help you get through it, putting your focus in them, and they will probably even benefit from the support and quality time you'll want to spend with them. Focus on them like you're doing, but in the long run, if the result happens where you dont have custody or the children split.. or whatever reason.. as much as you think you're calling.. call more. As much as u want to talk to them about what their mother did to u.. dont. and as hard as it is to get ur kids to sit on the phone to talk to each other.. just DO IT. (this is where a civil relationship with their mom comes in handy)... i dont konw, I'm sure I wrote a lot... and I truly hope everything works out for you. Time heals all wounds. And you sound like a really nice, genuine, sincere person .. you should have no trouble finding someone else. And on the truly hard days.. there's always God who you can ask for help. He honestly does, I'm not a huge church person either, and maybe my situation was coincidental (and very weird.. not related to this at all) but if you ask, he will help you. Take care! ps. she knows it's her fault.. and she WILL have regrets sometime or another. It's like that country song (dont konw why i'm listening to country).. by Keith Urban - you'll think of me. i guess u could look up the lyrics or what not if u really wanted to.. Anywho..hope i helped.
Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)
It's been almost a week now and it's been the longest of my life. I wake up EVERYONE morning with thoughts of some guy with my wife. Thoughts of him kissing her or touching her.
I wish that would go away. I would I could be so mad it didn't hurt. I wish people wouldn't cheat.
Reading the story of the teacher in Tennessee, Pamela Rogers Turner, it makes me feel for the husband... because I know how he must feel. Yeah, my wife didn't cheat with a 13/14 year old but she cheated.
I get the feeling I'm not going to trust any woman in a relationship ever again.
Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)
I read your story and replies and they touched my heart. I am soo sorry for everything you're going through. Best wishes to you. I hope everything works out with you and your wife. Hopefully, things would work out the way you want them to be. Just know that we are here to support you and be there for you when you need help. Blessings
Your wife, on the other hand..... I can't figure out why the whole, "It's all your fault I cheated", excuse works so well when a cheater uses it on a loved one. A cheater needs to take full responsibility for the actions of cheating. We all know marriages get stale, couples start to take each other for granted. But, there seem to be two types of people out there, one type is the person who wants to fix the marriage, protect the emotional investment. The other type of person, breaks vows, looks outside the marriage for some immediate gratification, and destoys a marriage in the process. 
