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Old 08-09-2005, 09:19 AM   #1
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Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)

I'll try and put as much info into one post as I can to get the picture of our lives. I've been a member of these boards for a while and wanted to come here to seek help/thoughts.

Married for almost 10-years now, two children ages 4 and 2. I'm a work at home dad, she is a professional mom who works 8-to-6 daily.

Over the past couple of years she has been trying to get me to move back to our hometown area, which I gave in earlier this year so she could be happy. She hasn't seemed to be happy with any job she has, thus has worked for four different places in three years (including the one now with our move).

The past couple of months she has been somewhat distant, we both have. This move has been hard on me, but she started to act differently. She was always one to walk in the house at night upset that something wasn't picked up, or that I might have not done the dishes. But the past couple of months it's been to where we haven't spoken much.

We've had our issues as any married couple has. I've tried to get her to go seek help with me, to work on our issues. We saw a counselor one time, and after that she was never able to make it due to her 'busy' schedule w/work.

But over time, things have cooled off (issues) and we have learn to deal with silly things, but always been there for eachother to do things together with our kids. We would go to the park, on trips together, ect.

Now, I need to add... we have money issues. Debt that has added up over time that we have a hard time with. I make more money than she does and it comes in chuncks throughout the year... so there might be times where I don't get anything in for 8 weeks. But when I do, it's about 1/3 of the average yearly paycheck for the national average. I've felt she resents the fact I get to work at home and she has to go out and work in an office setting.

The past couple of months, she has gone out with friends to hang out one last time with them, so to speak. One time, she was out until 3 a.m. and I wasn't happy about it... to which she got defensive.

She would get ****** that I acted jealous or that I would even think she might be cheating (I know the stats of a professional woman comparied to men, so I've jokingly brought it up with her).

We moved down here and last week came to me saying she was done with our marrage. She said she didn't feel connected with me, that she didn't feel supported and that I should have seen it coming. She told me she feels trapped because we've been together since she was 16. I told her if I had, I would have hoped we would try and work things out for the sake of our marrage and for mainly our children.

She said she needed to give it time, a month or so, to see if I was making an 'effort'. Since that talk last week, I've got a 2nd job (on top of my well paying job now) and have made a commitment to finish my last few hours of college.

I have wrote her love letters, put together albums of us and our life together, and of course sent her flowers with little notes.

During all this, I've had that 3% feeling she was cheating on me. She got a new cell phone and it's been attached at her hip. She would take it everywhere, even jogging. Before this, she would leave it in her car (never get in touch with her).

Well, this past weekend she went back to our town we just moved from for a Wedding Shower (which was an actual event)... but while I'm trying to give her room, I didn't bother her. Didn't call her to 'check up' on what she was doing.

I woke up Sunday and wanted to see how she was. Never answered her phone. I then text messaged her, no luck. Finally mid-afternoon she calls me mad acting like I was... (yes)... checking in.

Well, yesterday I got her new flowers and put a note in it "From your secret admirer". I thought it was cute, sort of me getting back to my roots of romance and when we first started to date.

She came home and never said a word about the flowers. That shot my 3% feeling up to about 40% that she was cheating.

So, I asked her... "Are you not going to tell me what you got today at the office"? I was sort of joking to see her reply, she then finally acted like, "OH, I know they were from you. Thanks". I felt really horrible then.

Later, I got online and checked her yahoo.com email that she set up when we moved here. What do I see? Notes from a guy that she told me had been coming on to her at work where we used to live (married guy). Love notes on how much he misses her and misses her touch and kisses...

The news tore me up. I am still in a state of shock. I called her right away and she denied it, then after finding out I had proof... she admitted to it and acted like I should have seen this coming. Like it was my fault (due to the issues she brought to me last week).

So now she is at her parents and we haven't spoken since last night. She told me yesterday when I got face to face with her that she didn't love me anymore. She got really defensive about the cheating and said it wasn't adultry, that it never went more than kissing and hanging out. She said it wasn't an 'affair' and that it didn't mean anything to her, but that she was tired of our marrage.

Here I am, devestated. Moved to a new town and am alone. I don't know what to do. Her mom thinks I need to give her space and that she wasn't going to be with this guy while under her roof. But I don't know. She hasn't apologized for this... she only got upset when I told her I felt his wife needed to know what has been going on for the sake of their lives.

So again, what do I do? I love her too much and care too much about our family to not forgive her. But if we do get divorced, what then? What about the kids?

I'm lost and just really in a bad spot. I need some good advice from someone who knows.

Thanks for anything and for reading this long post.


Last edited by onyR; 08-10-2005 at 05:55 AM.

 
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Old 08-09-2005, 09:56 AM   #2
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Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)

Wow. I probably won't be able to give you any advice like some of the other posters on here, but I can give support. This must be devestating. I am so sorry that your wife is doing this to you.

Yes she was cheating. She is an emotional cheater. That in some ways is actually worse. Kissing is also cheating when your married! How dare her say all that isn't cheating!

Right now don't worry about the kids- Everything will play out as it should with them. I know it must be hard to live in a new town alone. I know how that feels. Just know that everything will be okay in the end. Your wife doesn't deserve you. People always think the grass is greener on the other side- not really.

I'm sure your wife will see what it is like to be away from you- your all she knows, and want to come back eventually. I'm not sure if you even want her coming back, but she will probably not like the feeling of being alone and doing everything on her own. I'm also wondering if the other man will leave his wife...

Keep your head up and know that their is some great advice on these boards, and tons of support!

Keep your head up!! Everything will be just fine.

 
Old 08-09-2005, 10:48 AM   #3
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Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)

Tell his wife what's going on. There should be consequences for her doing this and she doesn't want to own up to them. Why should you silently pay the price for something you weren't involved in? You're wife should
'cover this bill'. Also, the other wife has a right to know this information, as you did.

She has no remorse? Time for a divorce. There's nothing more unsettling than her pushing blame on you regarding lacking qualities in the marriage, and finding that she knew better the entire time.

If you don't want to split up permanently, at least collect evidence of the unfaitfulness.. like printing out the e-mails with the content regarding cheating, etc., and don't trust her. Consult a lawyer regarding 'just in case' scenerios.. like what if SHE files for divorce down the road without warning? I would think you deserve her actions being taken into account should a divorce happen.-- And she has demonstrated being unpredictable and dishonest about her feelings, so you need to start preparing for the worst case scenerio..even if you two reconcile. (Keep a journal of events, dates, times, etc.)

Good luck, I'm sorry she is selfish-- some people don't know what they have until they loose it.. then it's too late.

Last edited by glogreenfrog; 08-09-2005 at 10:51 AM.

 
Old 08-09-2005, 01:18 PM   #4
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Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)

Broken Arrow, I was in your spot over 3 years ago. I found out my wife was having an affair with her boss (she is still with him). I found out by reading her journal. My world turned upside down, I was in shock for a long time. It was hard for me to understand it was over. You are not going to like what I have to say now but.. in all likelihood your marriage is over. It's going to take sometime for you to realize this, but it is. However, I can promise you that you'll be happy again. I have children as well and my initial reaction once the rage was gone was to work things out for the children. She didn't want to, yes, we took a few months to figure things out but she then wanted a divorce. It was extremely difficult. But I am very happynow, my kids are good, the most inportant thing is (assuming you go down the same road I did) is to maintain a good relationship with their mom, it's much better for the kids.

hang tough.

 
Old 08-09-2005, 02:08 PM   #5
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Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)

ttt, in the back of my mind I know that it's probably over. Working out issues that we had is one thing, but when you break the vowels you made in the eyes of God... that's another issue.

I am numb, in shock and only want to go on because of these two little girls I have.

 
Old 08-09-2005, 02:35 PM   #6
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Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)

Your little girls are worth going on and on and on for. Your wife, on the other hand..... I can't figure out why the whole, "It's all your fault I cheated", excuse works so well when a cheater uses it on a loved one. A cheater needs to take full responsibility for the actions of cheating. We all know marriages get stale, couples start to take each other for granted. But, there seem to be two types of people out there, one type is the person who wants to fix the marriage, protect the emotional investment. The other type of person, breaks vows, looks outside the marriage for some immediate gratification, and destoys a marriage in the process.
What do you want Broken Arrow? Do you want to keep your marriage? Move on from it? Do you know? Could you stay in the marriage knowing she cheated on you, has no remorse, and takes no responsibility for her actions? You've seen an incredibily selfish side to your wife, one you may not have known she had. Can you live with that part of her again?

Last edited by evy38; 08-09-2005 at 02:38 PM.

 
Old 08-09-2005, 02:42 PM   #7
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Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)

Broken Arrow,

A lot of people try to keep their marriages together for the sake of the kids. But kids are smart, they know!!!! It isn't healthy.

I'm not so sure about telling his wife, though. Do you know him? Is he aggressive? What if he comes after you for that? I would be careful there.

Your wife chooses to blame you because she can't face what she has done. Affairs are hurtful to everyone.

Even if she wants to work it out, it is a hard road ahead! Try imagining yourself forgiving and forgetting COMPLETELY and getting on with your lives. Never dredging it back up during fights or being suspicous as to why she is 30 minutes late getting home from work. Can you do that in order to fix your marriage? Not many can.

I think ttt is right.

So sorry that you have to go thru this!

 
Old 08-09-2005, 03:53 PM   #8
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Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)

I want to forgive her. I pray to God that this was no more than a 'first base' type deal. There was no talk of sex in the emails I read... but my friends think I'm crazy for believing that.

I want to forgive her but right now, her not sorry for what she has done... I don't know if I can go on like this living with her.

We haven't spoken in 24 hours now. I don't know when we will again, right now her parents are the middle people in regards to the kids.

Again, this just sucks. I thought I would never have to deal with something like this... that we would always be together. I've known her for almost half my life now, as she has with me. I just don't get why she could take it this far.

As for telling his wife, I don't know him and I've left a message on his work voice mail but I doubt I hear from him. He lives in another part of the state and is unlisted. IF I did tell his wife and he 'tried' to come after me, it's not a good idea. I'm a 6'4 230-pound former US Army guy with a gun collection

Thanks everyone, I'm glad I posted here. Even though I don't know anyone, I feel I am getting input from friends.

 
Old 08-10-2005, 08:30 AM   #9
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Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)

Learn to forgive and move on. If there is still love there I don't see why the marriage can't be repaired. If she is willing to change and you two can learn and grow from this it would benefit both of you. Sometimes lots of hard work and struggling is worth it in the end.

 
Old 08-11-2005, 06:57 AM   #10
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Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)

I would think I can forgive her... but she hasn't shown any sign of being sorry for what she has done to us. I haven't spoken to her since Monday night.

Last night I put my littlest girl to bed and she didn't want to let go of me (2-years old). She put her hand on my face so she knew I was next to her as she went to sleep... She doesn't want to see daddy leave the room. "Daddy, don't leave. Be with me Daddy."

She used to never do this.

I just broke down right there for the first time. Up to that point, I've been unable to cry.

People are telling me to be strong, stop moping around, but how? How do you deal with this? The thoughts of some guy w/my wife is constantly in the back of my mind... and at the pit of my stomach.

 
Old 08-11-2005, 07:13 AM   #11
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Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)

This is not an issue of forgiveness at this point. The following are required for any hope of reconciliation. The cheating spouse MUST be:

1. Sincerely remorseful
2. Dedicated to repairing the damage
3. Acceptance of all responsibility for actions of broken trust
4. Desirous of a continued life together

You have no control over any of these. You do have control over whether you accept the reality of whether these things exist in your wife or not.

There is no urgency to act today. But maintain dignity, as painful and difficult as that can be.

 
Old 08-11-2005, 01:14 PM   #12
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Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)

I'm not sure how best to put these things to you, but here goes.
She is lying about the affair and will always lie about it unless you can prove her wrong. You will never, and I mean never ever know exactly what she has done without question. Think of the worst things in your mind and put those with what she has told you, and it's probably somewhere in the middle.

Move back home and take the kids with you. Move back in with your parents if you can. File for divorce and full custody of the kids. Offer her visitation rights if she wants them. You could end up in this mess on the other end of the stick if you don't act now. You will be betrayed doubly. You don't have to be ugly to her (soon to be ex-wife), but you need to stand your ground on important issues that will haunt you 10 years or more from now. I know in your heart this is not what you want to do, but you need to take charge and do what's right for your family. When you lay your head down at night, all you want to feel is hurt and loneliness, not regret. It will be much harder on you to work things out with her, and impossible if she is not "eager" and I emphasize the word to work things out. If she is not, your best bet is to move on. You do not want to wake up in 10 years nowing you wasted all that time in a bad marriage that was doomed from this point forward and you cheated yourself from the good times and happiness you could have had without all the negativity surrounding you.
You are not her father, nor should you try to be. Let her grow up on someone else's time, not yours. If she thinks what she has done is your fault, let her learn on her own that truth.
Do your best to stay sane around the kids. There will be times when it is so hard as you have experienced already. You don't want to be a downer on them all the time. Try your best to remain positive around them and not be a narcissist or a sob. Trust me. You need some help with this, and that's why I advise moving back home with mom & dad. It would only be temporary, anyway. She has left you and the kids at home now and moved back to her parent's house? My god, that's selfish. Treat this action as such also.

Now is the time to take control back of your life also. You may feel you have negotiated a large part of yourself away during your marriage, and have learned the hard way that making your wife happy by giving in all the time is not making her happy. This goes back to a maturity standpoint also, and it's not your job to tell her what to do, so let her learn the hard way also. You need a woman you can trust and that loves unconditionally so that you can reciprocate these feelings. You deserve loyalty and compassion. You do not need what you have recieved and at some point you will figure out that you have allowed these things to happen to you by giving more than you have recieved and not held her accountable for her actions.
You will live, man. Don't forget this. You have 2 beautiful kids, and you are wiser and stronger when this is over with.

 
Old 08-11-2005, 01:32 PM   #13
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Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)

Thanks for the posts.

rolltider, we left it to where she wanted me to leave. The problem is, we are living in a house given to us by her family. I am currently here, spending the day with the girls and then at night, she will take them. This is all done via her parents. I haven't spoken to her.

I also am worried about the 'stats' of a divorce and kids. The last US number was about 72% of the women get full custody of the children. It's 9% for the dad and then 17% for split.

How much does the 'affair' play into the eyes of a court? When she came home and saw the web browser open to the webmail, she deleted them. Thankfully, I printed all of them out. What about the fact she can't get straight with work? 4 jobs in 3 years while I've had basically one... which is an at-home online job.

I also have a few things going up against me (IMO). If you look at my past history, I had a problem with pain killers when I screwed my back up a couple of years ago, not taking them for pleasure but for pain and then got dependant on them. I haven't taken anything in over two years now. Not sure if that would hurt me if brought up.

And then, like I said, I am living in her parents house.

But that being said, I don't want to take time away from her with the girls. I want her to get 50-50 split with them if it comes to that.

 
Old 08-11-2005, 01:51 PM   #14
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Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)

I just wanted to add to my previous post. You need to do some extreme soul searching on this. I am sure you are and she needs to respect you for that. You need to give an ultimatum and if she steps outside that then it may be time to end it. Its tough having children involved and hopefully that doesn't cloud the reality of your situation. Hang tough soldier.

 
Old 08-11-2005, 02:21 PM   #15
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Re: Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife)

I am no legal expert by any means, but I would'nt expect to get full custody under those circumstances. She would really have to be a mess (drugs,dangerous behavioural issues) for you to get full custody. Unless it would freak a judge out (100 men, or some sick things), the affair would not play that heavily in your favor as you would think. You will have to negotiate with her for the visitation and come to some agreement.
You would get killed in court with the drug issue, if true you have been clean for past 2 years, you should keep quiet about it and work towards a peaceful resolution. She is much more inclined at this point to concede some things to you, since she is the one whose word means zip right now. If things get ugly, you will get screwed. Especially if she gets a lawyer and her mom and dad help her pay for it.

Split custody is tough, especially with distance involved. You can't stay there in her parents house forever. You will probably have to move and her parents can let her and the kids live there. Can't advise you on the best plan for you here, but the quicker you move, the better. If they are normal parents, they will give her a hard time, but she will fill them with enough spite for you and they will only hear one side of the story. They will turn on you at some point. Especially her mother. I may be wrong, but it would be rare(that her mother would support your take on things for very long). It may take some time too, it could be a year or more before it happens. Count on not getting support from her parents from an emotional stanpoint at any time.
You need to go ahead and start preparing yourself for a divorce, even if you don't do it. Get an itemized list of everything you own, set a best case scenario for splitting time with the kids, and start making a plan to move out.

Dude, I have been there. Getting wronged, living off her parents to a degree, it will make you feel like a self sacrificing shmuck. You need to reinvest in your self worth, regardless. If she comes crawling back in 2 weeks, you still need to do this. You need to make decisions based on your family's long term health and welfare, and don't forget you are the "man of the house" . I don't mean to sound negative or push you to look down upon women, but I put myself into my mess by not taking charge and "demanding" that things were "right" as I felt they should be. I was the peacemaker type and let her do whatever and gain too much control, which she abused to the nth degree, and then turned it all on me like her selfishisness was all my fault.

Stand up for yourself and what you feel is right. If there is going to be reconciliation, you must demand terms and goals. If she can't meet these, you need to resort to plan B, which is 10 times worse now, but the other is 20 times worse later.
I'm sorry to be so full of opinions and not much "feely" support, but I wish I had someone to talk to me at the time about "real" things, and not just "hang in there man" or "how could she do this" type stuff. I reconciled things over 5 years ago, and to this day have doubts and regrets. Each situation is different, and no one can tell you exactly what to do, but some people have been there and have made mistakes (like myself) to warn you of things. I'm open to anything you want to ask.

RTR

Last edited by rolltider; 08-11-2005 at 02:30 PM.

 
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