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Old 08-15-2005, 11:07 PM   #1
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cynphul HB User
Anything will help...

Hi!
I guess I should just dive right into this. I'll make it quick- its pains me to write it.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for over a year... and lately im starting to question his love for me. I do understand he does love me- but to what degree.. im no longer sure. lately i am so frustrated- i make about 1/4 of what he does and... i seem to spend it all on him, and get nothing back. that goes with almost everything- i do so much and feel like i get nothing back. And the only way i FEEL i get something back.. is if we get in a major fight or break up and get back together... or 'take time apart'. Is there anyway i can make him realize... any advice would. be greatly appreciated!
thanks

 
Old 08-15-2005, 11:57 PM   #2
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Piranna65 HB User
Re: Anything will help...

i had this feeling of 'doubt' with my boyfriend over a year into our relationship as well. I dont know what caused it, for me I think it had something to do with him all of a sudden not spending as much time w/me. We use to be together ALL of the time, but after a while he started going out with co-workers late at night and going the bars and forgetting we had plans to hang out w/them.

It became extremely frustrating and heart breaking for me because I thought our relationship was coming to an end. We started to argue more because i would tell him I felt deprived and left out like he didnt want to spend time w/me anymore. He tried explaining it to me a few diff. ways but it would come out sounding all wrong. Thats what caused my feelings and conflict...

I dont really know what made the feeling go away. I remember asking him to take me on a date where it was just us for dinner and a movie, and I would try to plan more days where I could spend time w/him and only him. I started going places w/him i wouldnt usually go just so I could spend time w/him and I found myself having a good time and getting to know some of his friends/co-workers.

All I can say is we somehow got past those uncertain feelings. Granted we did have a few arguments that resulted in tears from both of us, we are now engaged and things are back to how they use to be.

I dont know if I helped. It might help if you think about what is bothering you the most about him growing "away" from you. Is he going out more w/out you? Is he always busy? Do you not get to see him as often? Figure out what questions you have and try to find ways to answer them or work w/them the best you can. It sounds like you love him, I found spending some one on one time w/him put my mind at ease...

goodluck!

 
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Old 08-16-2005, 07:37 AM   #3
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evy38 HB User
Re: Anything will help...

If you continually do and give, in a relationship, you give the man no opportunity to give to it and eventually he stops trying. He will become a lazy lover and soon start taking you for granted. Once you are no longer a challege, interesting, whatever you want to call it, he'll start looking for someone who is. Why, in heavens name are you spending every paycheck on him? Be careful, that is doormat behavior. It tells him you don't deserve anything because you don't value yourself.

Last edited by evy38; 08-16-2005 at 07:38 AM.

 
Old 08-16-2005, 09:07 AM   #4
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cynphul HB User
Re: Anything will help...

I don't mean to do that all the time. Of course I like to buy him things and take him out for dinner occasionally ( who wouldnt like that) but.. now i feel that he's taking advantage and i'm trying to stop. I dont know how to tell him without getting into a huge argument and a fight... is there anyway i can talk about this thats easier.
Piranna65: We do spend alot of time together, but i just dont think he cherishes as much as i do. And usually it is just the 2 of us. Im no sure if he just is taking our time together for granted... but it hurts to know that when i pick him up from work, hes not excited. I still get that dumb smile on my face when he calls- i just wish he did the same.

 
Old 08-16-2005, 02:50 PM   #5
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Re: Anything will help...

Don't have a big discussion about this, simply change your behavior. STOP BUYING HIM THINGS!!!! Stop paying for dinner every time! When he asks about dinner ask "Who's paying" or simply wait until he pulls out the wallet. At the VERY least, you two should be taking turns with dinner. He is taking advantage because you are not only letting him, you are encouraging him with your behavior. Don't always be so available to him. You need to start building a life for yourself, seperate from your life with him. You need to do things for yourself and find your own interests. These are the things you do to become you're own woman. One who values herself and won't let a man take advantage of her or treat her like a doormat. It's not too late, but you must start now and stick with it. If you fail at this he will loose what respect he still has for you. If you succeed, he will realize he doesn't have a 100% hold on you and start treating you better. Behave like a doormat and you'll get treated like one. Behave like a woman who deserves to be treated well, and you'll be treated well. These rules do not apply to players. Play with a player and you'll get played.

Last edited by evy38; 08-16-2005 at 02:57 PM.

 
Old 08-16-2005, 03:12 PM   #6
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cookiepls HB User
Re: Anything will help...

Well said evy.

 
Old 08-16-2005, 04:07 PM   #7
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Anything will help...

Did I understand this correctly: you are making a quarter of what he makes, and yet he expects YOU to buy him dinners and other things?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please RUN now. I dated a man like that, was engaged to him as a matter of fact. He wanted us to split everything 50/50, even though he was 14 years older and I was only 22 at the time and a broke student! Men like that are extremely selfish and not a good material for a husband. Imagine if you had a baby and wanted to stay home for a little bit to take care of him/her. It would NOT happen! Oh, and my ex is now married to a woman who pretty much supports them. He still refuses to have children even thought she wanted them, as did I. If you marry this man, you will forever have to sacrifice for him. I learned my lesson a little too late, but now I would NEVER go out on a second date with a guy who is not gentlemanly enough to treat me. Please don't make a mistake.

 
Old 08-16-2005, 05:18 PM   #8
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Piranna65 HB User
Re: Anything will help...

how about the next time you two decide on dinner you ask him to pay, let him know money is kinda of tight or something and that you'd like it if he could flip the bill this time?

maybe it would help if the two of you went and did things with others then since it is mostly just the 2 of you all the time. prehapes a group of friends going out, or playing cards or just having a good time around your place, whatever works.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 11:37 AM   #9
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3nigma HB User
Re: Anything will help...

It might be difficult to accept, but sometimes when a man gets off work heís still got work on his mind. Spend some time analyzing how he sees things, and what may be affecting him at the time. Does he have a stressful job? Does he work long hours? These are all factors that can wear a person out after 8+ hours of work.

You noted that you work part time. Perhaps itís worth taking a look at as you may not fully understand what it means to work 9 hours with no lunch break. It wears on you.

Take a look at things from his perspective. I doubt he just doesnít love you, otherwise he wouldnít spend every waking moment of his life with you. Does he care about you? Your future? Your relationship? All important questions that need to be addressed before anyone can give you a real solid answer on what you should do.

Take my advice. Go and talk to him. You sound like you are afraid of him, and you really need to get over that friction between the two of you.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 06:16 PM   #10
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ibeeshell HB User
Re: Anything will help...

I would have never dated a guy who didn't pay for dinner!!! Now, once in awhile for his birthday or something I may have paid, but that is it! I'm not in to lazy men!

You shouldn't be either!!! You deserve better then that!

Save your money and spend his!!

 
Old 08-17-2005, 07:23 PM   #11
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RockMyBoat HB User
Re: Anything will help...

Hah, ibeeshell can't believe there are women who aren't willing to pay for dinner, chivalry isn't dead, but welcome to the 21st century woman...

Anyways, yeah, he is being very rude doing that, I think at the LEAST things should be a 50/50 split... but I have no idea how to explain that to him...

 
Old 08-18-2005, 07:01 AM   #12
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Dido_H HB User
Re: Anything will help...

If he's got money and saves it or spends it on himself, then he's just being mean. If he was broke, I would understand that a couple should be supportive to each other. BTW, I am not with the idea that the man should be the ONLY person who spends. Why?
However, given all your generousity to him, you might want to think: Did he ever buy you anything? What does he spend his money on? or don't you know?

Don't think that you owe him your money all the time, and DONT feel guilty to show him that you don't like his behaviour, and to act accordingly.

Last edited by Dido_H; 08-18-2005 at 07:03 AM.

 
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