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Old 08-16-2005, 06:23 AM   #1
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stay2gether HB User
Unhappy his greediness with money is making me not like him

hello,

my boyf. is a lovely person, he is caring and very loving towards me but the problem is hes so bothered aboout money.

nothing is for nothing with him. as in he wont do something with out wanting something in return. i always feel he wants paid from me for anything he does for me. eg. if he picks me up he will want petrol money,
if we go out anywhere and he pays he will constantly remind me of how much he has spent and the next day make sure i take him out and pay,
if he goes to the bar to get the drinks in and me / my friend have gave him the money to pay hel just keep the change, and he lies about money too, stuff like that. i dont mind spending my money on him because i love him but the way he is acting is putting me off him, i find myself going in moods with him and not wanting to be around him, he makes me feel angry, what do i do? i know the obvious thing is to talk about it with him but i really dont know how to bring this up without it ending in an argument.......any suggestions or experiences similar?

 
Old 08-16-2005, 07:16 AM   #2
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cookiepls HB User
Re: his greediness with money is making me not like him

Eventually you'll become so disgusted with him that you won't want to see him anymore. If you think his obsession with money is bad now...........Just wait. It's only going to get worse. I have a relative like that. You can bend over backwards for her but she only remembers what she's done for you (which isn't much), not what you have done for her. This sounds like your guy.

I bet if you observe closely, you'll discover other areas in his relationships with people where he is equally selfish. I'm sorry, I know I didn't offer any helpful suggestions on how to talk to him about it. You could try, but I think you'll see that he views himself as being more giving than anyone. If he's anything like my relative, he's very generous in his own mind.

 
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Old 08-16-2005, 07:46 AM   #3
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evy38 HB User
Re: his greediness with money is making me not like him

Quote:
Originally Posted by cookiepls
Eventually you'll become so disgusted with him that you won't want to see him anymore. If you think his obsession with money is bad now...........Just wait. It's only going to get worse. I have a relative like that. You can bend over backwards for her but she only remembers what she's done for you (which isn't much), not what you have done for her. This sounds like your guy.

I bet if you observe closely, you'll discover other areas in his relationships with people where he is equally selfish. I'm sorry, I know I didn't offer any helpful suggestions on how to talk to him about it. You could try, but I think you'll see that he views himself as being more giving than anyone. If he's anything like my relative, he's very generous in his own mind.
I agree with cookie on this one. There is a difference between being frugal and being stingy. We all know stingy people, and really, do we even like to be around them? If you've noticed, so have your friends. When you finally dump him, make sure he knows it's because of his stingyness. He can use the wakeup call.

 
Old 08-16-2005, 07:57 AM   #4
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: his greediness with money is making me not like him

Over time someone may change gradually.
But the odds are good that your boyfriend is not going to change. And as cookiepls mentioned, it will probably only become more a part of him as time goes on.

Leaving the question - are you better off with him - or without him in your future?

That means putting aside the love you feel and looking 20 yrs or more into the future.
Twenty years of what you are dealing with now? Forever?
Dealing with bills, childrens, vacations, cars, holidays, things you want, need?

For him its not even what is bought or spent. It's what the money represents to him. Control, or security, or something else.
It's something to think about...

 
Old 08-16-2005, 08:08 AM   #5
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evy38 HB User
Re: his greediness with money is making me not like him

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
Over time someone may change gradually.
But the odds are good that your boyfriend is not going to change. And as cookiepls mentioned, it will probably only become more a part of him as time goes on.

Leaving the question - are you better off with him - or without him in your future?

That means putting aside the love you feel and looking 20 yrs or more into the future.
Twenty years of what you are dealing with now? Forever?
Dealing with bills, childrens, vacations, cars, holidays, things you want, need?

For him its not even what is bought or spent. It's what the money represents to him. Control, or security, or something else.
It's something to think about...
Right on Ruth! Some much truth and good advice here.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 02:35 AM   #6
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stay2gether HB User
Re: his greediness with money is making me not like him

thanx for the replies.

i do love him and dont want money to be the cause of the relationship ending. he is great in every other way. it is very off putting tho. i would like to try and work it out. i think maybe if i pay for everything and treat him really well for a while, the way i would like to be treated then i may get the same in return. wat do you guys think?

 
Old 08-17-2005, 03:16 AM   #7
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eaglesgirl37 HB User
Re: his greediness with money is making me not like him

I really feel for you here but I have to agree with the other posters that things don’t look promising with this man. No matter how hard you try, how much you love someone, and how much you want things to work out, both people have to be fully committed. I can see how you wouldn’t want money to break you up, but this is really about more than money—if he’s actually stealing and lying to his friends, it’s an issue of character, which is a big problem in a relationship. It doesn’t bode well for him having an unselfish and generous character in general when he demands gas money every time he picks you up and consistently acts both stingy and greedy. So while I really feel for you and understand your reluctance to let this go without making an effort, I think bending over backward to try and make it work will backfire big time. First of all, the problem really doesn’t have much to do with you, so you can’t control or change it, because you can’t control or change anyone but yourself. Secondly, it’s not your problem, and you don’t really have anything to fix or work on or make up for…it’d be like if he cheated and you were like, I’ll spend every minute at home soo you’ll trust me, I’ll never call or talk to another man, etc. when in actuality, he’s the one with the issue and you can’t do anything to fix it for him. How would you paying for everything do anything except encourage him to be more stingy…you humoring his stinginess by paying for everyting would validate his behavior and he’d get more stingy and obsessive about money, not less. Unfortunately, some character traits, stinginess included, only get worse and more aggravating over time. I’m sure you already treat him really well, as you’d like to be treated, but unfortunately, he just doesn’t have it in him to be considerate, generous, and not self-absorbed. This is just a really unfortunate situation because being stingy and dishonest about money is a big character flaw that most people can’t stand…I can’t imagine your friends and family like him taking their change and making sure they pay more than their share whenever you’re all out together. I wish I could give you more upbeat advice but I just don’t see you being happy with a man like this…there’s nothing you can do to fix him if he sees nothing wrong with his behavior, and indulging his stinginess by paying for everything would only make him think it was MORE acceptable.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 03:35 AM   #8
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: his greediness with money is making me not like him

Quote:
Originally Posted by stay2gether
... i think maybe if i pay for everything and treat him really well for a while, the way i would like to be treated then i may get the same in return. wat do you guys think?
LOL... I don't think so.

It is possible he may change over time (...a very long time) if you are willing to take the chance and wait that long. Personally, I really doubt he will change very much no matter how much time you give him or how well you treat him.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 08:14 AM   #9
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cookiepls HB User
Re: his greediness with money is making me not like him

Quote:
maybe if i pay for everything and treat him really well for a while, the way i would like to be treated then i may get the same in return. wat do you guys think?
Yeah, I know how well THAT works. LOL I think that's called 'enabling'. In other words, in your case, you would be rewarding his bad behavior by doing that and 'enabling' him to do it more.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 03:06 PM   #10
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Banana Split HB User
Re: his greediness with money is making me not like him

Like others have said, if he's cheap now, it'll only get worse later on.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 04:26 PM   #11
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eaglesgirl37 HB User
Re: his greediness with money is making me not like him

Quote:
Originally Posted by stay2gether
thanx for the replies.

i do love him and dont want money to be the cause of the relationship ending. he is great in every other way. it is very off putting tho. i would like to try and work it out. i think maybe if i pay for everything and treat him really well for a while, the way i would like to be treated then i may get the same in return. wat do you guys think?
Also, you should never have to manipulate or cajole a man who is supposed to love you to treat you the way you want (and by all means, deserve!) to be treated. If he doesn't have the motivation or ability to treat you great of his own accord, it's probably never going to happen for him with you or anyone. It's a shame that his borderline obsession with money and the deceptive, illegal behaviors it provokes is affecting his relationships, but what choice do you have? You really can't spend your life with a man who is constantly thinking up pennies you owe him to add to his mental tally, not to mention one who so glibly pockets your friends' money? There's just no way to fully trust someone with compulsive problems with money, lying, and selfishness, and you deserve a wonderful, trustworthy man who can completely open his heart to you without any lingering doubts on your part based on his past behavior. Usually the past isn't so far away as we think it should...and when it comes to issues like deception and cheating, I'm not sure that we can ever truly leave it in the past--not that I think that's necessarily a bad thing!

 
Old 08-17-2005, 06:03 PM   #12
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ibeeshell HB User
Re: his greediness with money is making me not like him

Quote:
Originally Posted by Banana Split
Like others have said, if he's cheap now, it'll only get worse later on.
Yeah, if you marry him, later on he'll be bald, fat, and still cheap!!!!

Nope, he will never change, dear girl!!!!

 
Old 08-17-2005, 06:32 PM   #13
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Gundam HB User
Re: his greediness with money is making me not like him

Cheap men are no good. Needless to say more.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 06:51 PM   #14
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evy38 HB User
Re: his greediness with money is making me not like him

Quote:
Originally Posted by eaglesgirl37
Also, you should never have to manipulate or cajole a man who is supposed to love you to treat you the way you want (and by all means, deserve!) to be treated. If he doesn't have the motivation or ability to treat you great of his own accord, it's probably never going to happen for him with you or anyone. It's a shame that his borderline obsession with money and the deceptive, illegal behaviors it provokes is affecting his relationships, but what choice do you have? You really can't spend your life with a man who is constantly thinking up pennies you owe him to add to his mental tally, not to mention one who so glibly pockets your friends' money? There's just no way to fully trust someone with compulsive problems with money, lying, and selfishness, and you deserve a wonderful, trustworthy man who can completely open his heart to you without any lingering doubts on your part based on his past behavior. Usually the past isn't so far away as we think it should...and when it comes to issues like deception and cheating, I'm not sure that we can ever truly leave it in the past--not that I think that's necessarily a bad thing!
Nobody is suggesting that she manipulate or cajole anyone. Every woman needs to BECOME the type of woman that a man KNOWS he can't take for granted. If you use these ideas to manipulate or cajole you've learned nothing about valuing yourself and will be doomed to repeat your behavior over and over again.

 
Old 08-18-2005, 03:50 PM   #15
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Re: his greediness with money is making me not like him

Evy, all I was saying was that she shouldn't have to scheme and come up with some plan to get him to treat her right. He should treat her well because he wants to, and if we ever have to manipulate someone into what should come naturally, it's a clear sign that they're not the right person. I don't think anyone was advising anyone to manipulate anyone, just responding to the original poster's question that I quoted.

 
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