The ex came by on Friday... I'm a mess
We broke up in Jan 2004, prior we had lived together for two years and were talking about getting married. She met someone in Feb 2004 and they were together for about a year (I just found out they broke up, he dumped her about 5 months ago). all along despite dating a few girls I still loved her, we mantained some contact over the last year and a half. Anyway, I haven't seen her since January this year. We started talking recently and Friday she came by my house and we ended up sleeping together. It felt so good to see her again, hold her, etc...
We went out for lunch on Sunday and she says "I don't think we can be friends cause I think you still have feelings for me" I told her that I did and asked if her intention were to persue something with me. NOPE! Says she doesn't think she could love me like she used to, that to much time has passed. I told her not to call me anymore cause everytime I see her or talk to her all those old feelings come back and it ****s me up.
Needless to say I'm kind of bummed out cause I still love her. I always thought we might get back together someday, I guess not. I finally got the closure I needed. The hard part is going to be to accept the fact that someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with doesn't want to be with me like that anymore.
What really hurts is that when she first started dating that dude she wanted to get back with me after a month in. We went out once and she said she changed her mind and went back to dating him. So even though she met him after we technically broke up, we were still intimate, and I was trying to get her back. So I feel like second best, like I lost to this guy. She walked all over me back then. I even remember her saying something like "This guy is hot and I want to sleep with him, its really hard to resist but I wont because I still love you" that was before they slept together. Thats some messed up, and even after that I still came back for more.
I used to wonder if she would ever act shady or cheat on the guy after me.. guess what? she did. Back in January when she was still with this dude she was giving me head in my car! So I know she is not trust worthy and that any future I would have had with her would have ended in a bitter divorce. I just wish that wasn't the case.
Sunday I had all these things I wanted to say and it just came out like that. Did I cry in front of her on Sunday and wear my emotions on my sleeve? Yes, but I'm not ashamed of that because I needed to get that out of my system. She had tears rolling down her eyes yesterday, and I knew she felt like ****, and she deserves to feel like ****.
I never thought I would have the balls to tell her not to call me anymore, I always was afraid to lose conact (even if it wasn't much at all). But I realized yesterday that it needed to be said because it was true. I bet she didn't see that coming. I didn't give her the chance to say "we can't do this anymore".
How is it that someone who says they want to spend the rest of their life with you be so hurtful? I know I could never trust her and that any relationship would be pure hell but at least I wouldn't feel like I am second best in her eyes, like I have been feeling since we broke up. I never realized how low my self-worth was until she showed me. I'm trying to get through it. These last few days I have been thinking about all of the hurt she put me through, all of the lies, all of the snooping around I used to do. None of it makes me feel good. I don't miss any of it. But I can't deal with the rejection I feel.
If I try to make myself hate her I feel worse. If I try to think of her as a good person I feel like I am losing something.
I used to post on this board regarding my lack of trust for her. Two years later I am back her feeling like a worthless piece of garbage.
Last edited by JBravo223; 08-16-2005 at 08:28 AM.