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Old 08-16-2005, 09:32 AM   #1
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punkrokchk2000 HB User
Unhappy Religious conflict...

Well, it's been quite a few months since I last visited here...you all have been so helpful in the past, I thought I'd share my thoughts again in hopes of getting some good, honest opinions...

And I hope that I can post this thread, I did read the sticky not on "religion", and am not sure if this would fall into that category. I hope not! But here's my problem...

K and I have been dating for a little over a year now...and we have had our fair share of ups and downs. The issue came up last night again about religion...he is a christian, but doesn't go to church - is very close to God and Jesus...which I admire. I wasn't raised in a christian household - it was more of an agnostic one, I suppose. But that doesn't mean that I'm not religious...because like I said I DO believe in God.

Ok, so here's the thing. K knew from the beginning what my views were on Life and God and Evolution and all that, and he still wanted to date me. (I'm very thankful he still gave me a chance!) But it has come up many times in the past that his perfect future wife would be very religious - just like him...in the sense that she would believe in Noah's Ark, Adam and Eve...and all that. I don't... So last night I asked him if he feels like he's wasting his time with me, but he told me he doesn't know - that he still wants to give *us* a try...

But all the while I feel like I'm just waiting for him to drop the bomb and tell me it's over because we "clash" too much, and don't have enough in common. I'm afraid that because he doesn't have a job right now the only reason why he's still with me is because I'm supporting him by paying rent. I know that sounds harsh, and I don't mean for it to sound like that...it's just a fear that I have. I asked him why he continued to date me, even though he knew what my beliefs were...and he told me he was lonely, and looking to date somebody...and I seemed like I could be "the one"... I ask him if he still thinks that I might be "the one" and he tells me, "I don't know... I'm so lost...and I want you in my life, but I just don't know..."

I feel so bad for him because he's got health problems right now (2 ruptured disks in his back from a seizure he had back in April)...he's had stomach problems (IBS, possible chrone's) for many years now...he's gaining weight because of his stomach issues (and I also think it's because he's not a very active guy...because of his back and stomach problems...) and we both have herpes - ugh - but that's a whole 'nother issue in itself... He resents me for having given him herpes...even though I believe in my heart I didn't (I had genital, not oral, and I performed oral on him)... which (to him) is another reason why we got together in the first place is because he was afraid of being alone with herpes. Ugh....that kills. On the upside he tells me since then he's fallen in love with me, and that it's different now.

Ok, off track. So I don't know what to do. I love him so much, and have repeatedly thought about our future...what it would be like. We have such great passion for one another...We are very faithful to one another... I've never felt so comfortable around anybody in my entire life...but I'd hate to deprive him of a happy relationship because I wasn't raised in a christian household. He tells me he's completely happy with me, but that he just has some issues he's trying to work through...

Am I supposed to wait around until he dumps me? Is it worth investing in any further...because I couldn't stand for him to just leave me one day over something that I have no control over.

Oh God I love him so much...and 90% of my mind tells me "he's the one"...

Thank you so much for any advice you can offer....

 
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Old 08-16-2005, 11:23 AM   #2
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Join Date: May 2005
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Lover's Mirage HB User
Re: Religious conflict...

Quote:
Originally Posted by punkrokchk2000
Well, it's been quite a few months since I last visited here...you all have been so helpful in the past, I thought I'd share my thoughts again in hopes of getting some good, honest opinions...

And I hope that I can post this thread, I did read the sticky not on "religion", and am not sure if this would fall into that category. I hope not! But here's my problem...

K and I have been dating for a little over a year now...and we have had our fair share of ups and downs. The issue came up last night again about religion...he is a christian, but doesn't go to church - is very close to God and Jesus...which I admire. I wasn't raised in a christian household - it was more of an agnostic one, I suppose. But that doesn't mean that I'm not religious...because like I said I DO believe in God.

Ok, so here's the thing. K knew from the beginning what my views were on Life and God and Evolution and all that, and he still wanted to date me. (I'm very thankful he still gave me a chance!) But it has come up many times in the past that his perfect future wife would be very religious - just like him...in the sense that she would believe in Noah's Ark, Adam and Eve...and all that. I don't... So last night I asked him if he feels like he's wasting his time with me, but he told me he doesn't know - that he still wants to give *us* a try...

But all the while I feel like I'm just waiting for him to drop the bomb and tell me it's over because we "clash" too much, and don't have enough in common. I'm afraid that because he doesn't have a job right now the only reason why he's still with me is because I'm supporting him by paying rent. I know that sounds harsh, and I don't mean for it to sound like that...it's just a fear that I have. I asked him why he continued to date me, even though he knew what my beliefs were...and he told me he was lonely, and looking to date somebody...and I seemed like I could be "the one"... I ask him if he still thinks that I might be "the one" and he tells me, "I don't know... I'm so lost...and I want you in my life, but I just don't know..."

I feel so bad for him because he's got health problems right now (2 ruptured disks in his back from a seizure he had back in April)...he's had stomach problems (IBS, possible chrone's) for many years now...he's gaining weight because of his stomach issues (and I also think it's because he's not a very active guy...because of his back and stomach problems...) and we both have herpes - ugh - but that's a whole 'nother issue in itself... He resents me for having given him herpes...even though I believe in my heart I didn't (I had genital, not oral, and I performed oral on him)... which (to him) is another reason why we got together in the first place is because he was afraid of being alone with herpes. Ugh....that kills. On the upside he tells me since then he's fallen in love with me, and that it's different now.

Ok, off track. So I don't know what to do. I love him so much, and have repeatedly thought about our future...what it would be like. We have such great passion for one another...We are very faithful to one another... I've never felt so comfortable around anybody in my entire life...but I'd hate to deprive him of a happy relationship because I wasn't raised in a christian household. He tells me he's completely happy with me, but that he just has some issues he's trying to work through...

Am I supposed to wait around until he dumps me? Is it worth investing in any further...because I couldn't stand for him to just leave me one day over something that I have no control over.

Oh God I love him so much...and 90% of my mind tells me "he's the one"...

Thank you so much for any advice you can offer....
I can make the assumtion that you love this guy from what you stated in the best way you know how. The question you should be asking him is if you are the one for him. If he is honestly truthful to you one way or the other I am sure that would ease your mind more than you know. If he is wishy washy about it could be he is in much confusion and then you have to decide if you want to stick around someone so indecisive and confused about the feelings he has for you and your future.

I can understand the conflict that religion brings into a relationship. You can almost agree to disagree on that issue, but it may be a good idea to clear the air so there is no question of it putting a wedge in between the both of you.

I think it is also comparable to can an alcoholic maintain a relationship with someone who doesn't drink. Can a party person really relate to a quiet, laid back couch potatoe? There is going to be problems in religion, lifestyle, and personality. The ultimate test here is are you willing to accept the bad with the good. I suggest really getting to the core on these matters before they rear their ugly heads later. I don't know if I helped or not but I think with alot of compromise and love it will be resolved in time.

 
Old 08-16-2005, 12:06 PM   #3
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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cookiepls HB Usercookiepls HB User
Re: Religious conflict...

He sounds very, very confused. I know you feel bad for him because of his health problems, but I hope you won't let your pity for him get in the way of common sense. Just from what I've read, it sounds like he is using you. He may not mean to intentionally, but I think he needs you more than wants you right now. I think your fears are well-grounded. I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear. That's just the way it looks from a person on the outside looking in.

 
Old 08-16-2005, 12:14 PM   #4
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 194
SweetHome HB User
Re: Religious conflict...

Difference in religion can be very important... you say that he is the one for you. So I assume you mean the marriage and kids and stuff. How will you raise the kids?
I dated someone who didn't believe in God the same way I did. He would pick arguments with me as some kind of test of faith, trying to prove me wrong or something. That gets old real quick.

I think you can agree to disagree but how many times do you have to disagree on the same subject. You say that he is deeply religious, yet he is living with you and not married, having sex with you and not working. That is not about faith.

Opposites do attract and stay married for decades and decades. The big question is, how much can you put up with?

 
Old 08-16-2005, 12:31 PM   #5
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Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 5,546
SophiaM HB User
Re: Religious conflict...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetHome
You say that he is deeply religious, yet he is living with you and not married, having sex with you and not working. That is not about faith.
Exactly what I noticed too. I'm sorry to say but he sounds rather hypocritical and yes, like someone who's using your good heart to his advantage. You said that you do believe in god, so it's not like your beliefs are so vastly different. I think as long as you both agree on raising your future kids (if you plan to have them) in a certain way, then there's no problem. I know of couples in which one is Jewish and the other Christian and they managed to make it work and have a good marriage for more than 15 years. It sounds like your bf is making excuses.

 
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