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Old 08-16-2005, 03:13 PM   #1
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PART II :He said he'll go to anger management.

Hi guys, thank you for your time. I really feel lost now.

The guy I broke up with a week ago just went crazy over the past couple of weeks. Instead of trying to be a better man, he got so demeaning and scary... more than I have ever seen him. Last weekend, I spent with my mom to 'lick my wounds' and he kept calling "because he knew I was with another man" and he was being demeaning. I then turned off my phone, and he called my parents to tell them what a bad girlfriend I was. This happened ALL WEEKEND LONG. I had to call the police to get some help, but they said they couldn't file a harrasement report. So I went to work monday morning, and he showed up, threatening to make a scene. He starting grabbing at me.
I went out with my sister yesterday, and he was there when we got back, saying "I went out to see another man, and he was there for two hours waiting."

Today he posted some harsh demeaning things online about me with my full name there on a public site where my friends and family could easily find it.
I called the police again, and they said they could file a harrassment report after work.

Oh, *edit* I also found out he broke into my room when I was gone the other day (my roommates told me). What a JERK!

I'm so sad and depressed. How could i make such a mistake? I thought this guy was the man of my dreams, and he turned out to be a stalker! He keeps leaving demeaning messages and e-mails. How did he baby me so much at one time, now is half-threatening to kill me (sometimes) and says "just kidding".

How could this happen to me?? Could I ever be lovable again?

So sad, depressed, without hope.

Last edited by glogreenfrog; 08-16-2005 at 03:16 PM.

 
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Old 08-16-2005, 03:39 PM   #2
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Re: PART II :He said he'll go to anger management.

yes of course you can be lovable again and you still are!
That's part of the master plan of the abuser......to make your self esteem plummet so you think you will never find another person to love you.
this guy sounds like he is a control freak. I was with a guy like that and they use anger to try to control, intimidate and manipulate you. He was always telling me that I MADE him angry. I told him, I'm not taking responsibility for your anger, you have to. Your guy (and my ex) are emotionally abusive. Pick up a good book, called Controlling People, how to recognize, understand, and deal with people who try to control you........author is Patricia Evans. This book really opened my eyes.
Good luck, please don't go back to him......it would be a big mistake!

 
Old 08-16-2005, 04:05 PM   #3
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Re: PART II :He said he'll go to anger management.

Hi Glogreen--

I was wondering how you were doing. Sorry to hear things have gotten so bad. As long as we're recommending books here, I hate self-help books in general, but when I left my ex I made an exception. I found "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft to be super helpful. That book described my ex-boyfriend to a tee and let me know what to expect and how to stand firm and not feel guilty or too overwhelmed. It was really hard because he'd alternate between being really nice and reasonable, begging and crying and telling me what a good person I was, and nasty and mean, then showing up at work when I wouldn't respond to calls and e-mails. The book also gives some advice on how to keep safe, which it sounds like you might need!

Besides that I think you're still doing really well and doing the right thing cutting off contact with him and spending time with your family. You may want to do things like ask your friends and family not to talk to him if he calls or not to talk to him if he stops by. As long as he has a way to be in touch with you through friends and family, he'll probably keep that up. As for work, can you tell your co-workers he's been harassing you and he's not welcome? Also, you should keep copies of any e-mails between the two of you. That might help if things get bad.

And as for you, I really believe you're going to start to feel better and better about yourself as time goes on without him dragging you down. It's really hard right now, but thank God you got out! And when you start feeling better, you'll start to attract better people.

Hang in there. :-) R

 
Old 08-16-2005, 04:22 PM   #4
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Re: PART II :He said he'll go to anger management.

ROSE AND RUBY, did we all date the same guy??? I'm so shocked at how similiar the descriptions are.
.

Ruby=-Everytime he'd call and I wouldn't answer, I just KNEW he would do something horrible, like show up, call friends, etc. And of course the begging and pleading, being a jerk, then being kind is exactly the same.

Rose- he would ALWAYS blame me for getting angry! And the sad thing is, I couldn't convince him otherwise. (how can you be logical to insane arguments).

At this point I'm so relieved because he hasn't called for two hours (this is actually a huge window compared to the last week). He isn't because I threatened him with a law suit (I have evidence, witnesses, etc.) if he didn't stop. He begged me not to turn him in. whew.. what a horrible page in my life.

Yes, I will definitely read those books. I need something constructive to do tonight anyways. On the one hand, I'm confused-- he promised me the world, and I feel that he tricked me--and I KNOW he could have helped it! It's almost the same feeling as trusting a friend with your possessions only to find out they stole your best car!

What a JERK! Never again. Thank GOD I DIDN'T MARRY HIM!

Last edited by glogreenfrog; 08-16-2005 at 04:26 PM.

 
Old 08-16-2005, 04:24 PM   #5
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Re: PART II :He said he'll go to anger management.

I just want to add this as a footnote to the other posts. NEVER take death threats lightly. Even if he says he's just kidding. Normal people don't kid like that. He is becoming dangerously agressive and bold, coming to your job and breaking in your room. You need to get a restraining order against him. Stay strong.

Quote:
Could I ever be lovable again?
You never stopped being lovable.

 
Old 08-16-2005, 04:30 PM   #6
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Re: PART II :He said he'll go to anger management.

Cookie,

Thank you for your kind words

I know! I want a restraining order!! The police said I'd have to get him the next time, because he was 'joking' about the threats. (well, gee.. I thought they were serious at first!!).

Next time he won't be so lucky.

 
Old 08-16-2005, 05:48 PM   #7
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Re: PART II :He said he'll go to anger management.

Hi Glogreenfrog,
I am sorry you are going through a difficult situation right now, but I want to tell you how proud you should be of yourself that you had the strength to end things and did not marry this guy. I guarantee it would have even worsened through the years. Stick to your guns and call a domestic hotline number for tips on how to handle this situation as safely as possible.
I' m going to bump up a thread called "How To Spot An Abusive Man." Please read through it as it may help shed light on your situation as well as show you how many women go through situations like this. I'm also hoping it may help other women that may read it.

We are all so proud of you. Just keep on taking one day at a time. One day your prince will come. Focus on healing yourself right now. I am so happy that you have a supportive family.

God bless.
Love,
Blue Eyed Lady

Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 08-16-2005 at 06:03 PM.

 
Old 08-16-2005, 05:56 PM   #8
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Re: PART II :He said he'll go to anger management.

ROSE AND RUBY, did we all date the same guy???

Well, it's possible since mine was also constantly chatting with other women on the internet. Seriously, though, that's why I found the book so helpful. It made his behavior seem like it was less about me and more about him. No matter how absurd his accusations were, I couldn't help but take them a little personally. Seeing that his behavior was part of a pattern that I had no control over was a big help.

At this point I'm so relieved because he hasn't called for two hours (this is actually a huge window compared to the last week).

Ugh! :-( Hopefully if you ignore him it'll trail off.

What a JERK! Never again. Thank GOD I DIDN'T MARRY HIM![/QUOTE]

Amen! You know, one good thing that came out of it all for me was that I feel so much more independent now. I used to worry about being alone, but now I worry much more about being in a bad relationship than I do about being alone. Fortunately, I didn't have to choose!

Good luck and please do be careful. "Joking" threats are still threats! R

 
Old 08-16-2005, 06:05 PM   #9
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Re: PART II :He said he'll go to anger management.

The thread I mentioned, "How To Spot An Abusive Man" is now bumped up for you.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 01:01 AM   #10
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Re: PART II :He said he'll go to anger management.

I'm so sorry things turned out this way for you, sweetie. I can only imagine how hurt, confused, betrayed, and just completely fooled you are feeling. I just wanted to say that I truly hope you remember that this is his problem, his issues, his dysfunction--NOT YOURS. I remember feeling extremely impressed reading your posts in the past, as not too many people I encounter are intelligent, logical, and clear-headed enough to see things as they are, rather than how we wish they were, and have the courage to make the tough choices as long as they are ultimately in your best interest. There are so many smart, wonderful, caring women who seeingly have everything going for them, but their ability to think clearly and objectively flies out the window when it comes to their own relationships...I'm still trying to figure out why this is, because on many levels, I can't really relate to defining your sense of worth through someone else when that's ultimately uncontrollable and undependable. Yet all the time, we see people absolutely crushed by breakups, even long ago breakups, because they have allowed one person to be irrevocably woven into their sense of self and worse, their sense of self-worth and purpose in life. It must be very tough to go through life feeling great about yourself if and only if you have a man, woman, baby, etc. by your side...to me it's infinitely easier and wiser to rely on ourselves for our self-esteem and to guard it from potential attackers like a priceless treasure. You seem to sense this as well and intuitively shield yourself from people out to hurt you and would you, at least to the extent possible here, and again, I'm terribly sorry that you're going through such an unpleasant, disturbing situation.

Still, I think you have made a very wise and thoughtful decision and despite the inevitable insecurities, doubts, loneliness, and mourning you will experience, I can tell you know that this is worth it because in the end you will be free to find someone who can truly love you without hurting or controlling you. Staying in unhealthy, destructive relationships logically seems kind of silly to me, because it's not like you can just postpone the breakup and the resulting difficulties forever...unless of course one is so desperate not to be alone that they will settle for a mediocre or worse relationship that never really makes them content or fulfilled. The more time you waste with someone like that, the more potential opportunities you miss to meet and snatch up Mr. Glowgreenfrog's easier for many people to stick their heads in the sand and stay in denial rather than admit to themselves that their current situation is unhealthy and destructive. People stay in bad relationships all the time, ignoring all the facts and clear evidence of its dysfunction and grasping for the slightest redeeming signs no matter how much terrible treatment they endure...and it's always for the same reason: "he hits me, BUT I LOVE HIM...he cheats on me and gave me an STD, BUT I LOVE HIM...he got another girl pregnant and married her without even telling me first...BUT I LOVE HIM." I don't mean to be callous or uncaring here, just to point out that it's very inspiring, admirable, and unfortunately pretty rare for a woman to be as honest with herself, love herself, and be secure and independent enough with herself to be able to always put her well-being ahead of any irrational or undeserved emotions which paralyze many people in miserable relationships. You seem to have a remarkable amount of courage, inner strength, and self-respect...I have no doubt you will get past this messy situation and quickly put it in your past. I hear all the time from men how great it is to finally meet a confident woman who knows what she wants and pursues it...it's almost like they haven't met hardly any women like this, but I can tell that you have this rare and incredibly alluring quality and will have no trouble attracting men who will love you and respect you enough to let go when and if you choose to leave the relationship.

The most important thing I wanted to say was to agree with Cookie. Anytime an ex calls you or otherwise contacts you, itís a huge red flagÖsome escalate to driving past your house, calling your friends, hanging out around where you work, etc. But the truly scary men are those who seem to have no sense of boundaries whatsoeverÖnot that the less intense stalkers are any more justified or necessarily pose less of a threat. Stalking is a way to torture someone by forcing them to live every moment in fear and anxiety, and itís absolutely vile to do to someone you claim to once have loved. Stalkers just canít understand love, all they understand is getting what they want and ignoring anyone, including the person they want, when they get in the way of that quest. The fact that your boyfriend broke into your room shows he isnít afraid to commit a fairly serious crime and invade your private spaceÖthis is very very serious, I donít want to alarm you or anything, but please please please err on the side of caution. Combined with the death threats, I canít urge you strongly enough to start compiling every piece of evidence possible, saving voicemails, notes, emails, etc. and keep in frequent contact with the police in case he doesnít stop. Hopefully the lawsuit will end things, but please be extra careful not to be alone much unless someone is waiting for you to return shortly, be extra watchful, maybe even get some pepper sprayÖI know it can be easy to think, oh I know my ex, he wonít ever do anything violent, but thatís just how the 36 American women who are killed by their lovers each day probably saw it early on. I really donít mean to be ominous, but itís better to be extra careful and risk looking paranoid than be overconfident and take a dangerous risk. Please keep us updated no matter what OK? I canít help but be really worried about you and while I know youíre really smart and sharp, I donít have nearly as much confidence in your ex to conduct himself properly. Donít be afraid to rely on us, family, friends, even the police as much as necessaryÖwe are here to help, we want to help, and I know the people who love you most want you to be happy and safe more than anything!

 
Old 08-17-2005, 03:40 AM   #11
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Re: PART II :He said he'll go to anger management.

I am surprised that few of these posts have alerted you to the fact that this man is demonstrating very dangerous behavior. Breaking into your apartment, showing up at your workplace, and the repeated phone calls are not normal by any stretch of the imagination. These are danger signs.

Forget all about your feelings for the time being. You need to focus on your safety.

Surely the police can get a restraining order. Today, you don't need to have any good reason to get a restraining order. Get a lawyer if necessary, but insist on getting a restraining order. You should also file a complaint/report with the police. They might not want to take the time to do it, but you should get it on record. Have your roommates tell the police that they saw him come into your apartment un-invited. Police are busy these days trying to clean up after crimes are committed. You need to make sure that you aren't one of the messes they have to clean up. Push them.

You need to take this seriously.

Last edited by thghtsreal; 08-17-2005 at 03:40 AM.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 10:20 AM   #12
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Re: PART II :He said he'll go to anger management.

Ok, if you hate drama, close your browser now. I'm posting the latest drama letter from him. And to think, I laughed at this because I'm used to it. OH EDIT: thank you, eaglesgirl, for your kind words. The encouraging posts from non-biased people here is making this transition ALOT smoother.. I'm so glad I have contact with you all...! (and chocolate, champagne!!)

(sent 08/16/05)

"Well once again you turned off your phone, which in reality, allows me to get over you much more easily. You are not a loving person, unless drunk. You have a heart like coal. If you ever got pregnant I would suspect the baby would die because of the darkness within your soul, which is really a repersentation of how people have treated you throughout your life. You express your emotions like your father, dull and muddled. As predicted I'm in demand. I'm have good looks with the attitude to back it up. I've never felt so happy about myself in my entire life. All I'm saying is, stop your games or further push me over the point of no return, relating to other women. One more thing, I win. Oh on a more positive note, I will of course give you half your money for the ring, I'm a man of civility. "

Oh, and yes, I'm going to try to get a restraining order. He's calling again and I had to turn off my phone. I'm getting tired of this Jerry Springer BS.

Last edited by glogreenfrog; 08-17-2005 at 10:27 AM.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 11:39 AM   #13
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Wink Re: PART II :He said he'll go to anger management.

Quote:
"Well once again you turned off your phone, which in reality, allows me to get over you much more easily. You are not a loving person, unless drunk. You have a heart like coal. If you ever got pregnant I would suspect the baby would die because of the darkness within your soul, which is really a repersentation of how people have treated you throughout your life. You express your emotions like your father, dull and muddled. As predicted I'm in demand. I'm have good looks with the attitude to back it up. I've never felt so happy about myself in my entire life. All I'm saying is, stop your games or further push me over the point of no return, relating to other women. One more thing, I win. Oh on a more positive note, I will of course give you half your money for the ring, I'm a man of civility."
He's really full of himself isn't he? If he's never been so happy, why does he feel the need to keep trying to call you? I think as he writes trying to describe you, he's actually describing himself. What a creep! You're so right. Only, he would be a natural on the Jerry Springer show.

Hey, share that chocolate and champagne!

 
Old 08-17-2005, 12:58 PM   #14
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Re: PART II :He said he'll go to anger management.

Quote:
Originally Posted by glogreenfrog
Ok, if you hate drama, close your browser now. I'm posting the latest drama letter from him. And to think, I laughed at this because I'm used to it. OH EDIT: thank you, eaglesgirl, for your kind words. The encouraging posts from non-biased people here is making this transition ALOT smoother.. I'm so glad I have contact with you all...! (and chocolate, champagne!!)

(sent 08/16/05)

"Well once again you turned off your phone, which in reality, allows me to get over you much more easily. You are not a loving person, unless drunk. You have a heart like coal. If you ever got pregnant I would suspect the baby would die because of the darkness within your soul, which is really a repersentation of how people have treated you throughout your life. You express your emotions like your father, dull and muddled. As predicted I'm in demand. I'm have good looks with the attitude to back it up. I've never felt so happy about myself in my entire life. All I'm saying is, stop your games or further push me over the point of no return, relating to other women. One more thing, I win. Oh on a more positive note, I will of course give you half your money for the ring, I'm a man of civility. "

Oh, and yes, I'm going to try to get a restraining order. He's calling again and I had to turn off my phone. I'm getting tired of this Jerry Springer BS.
This man IS the devil himself. Wrie him back and tell him his sperm is poisoned and defective and you'd rather not bring an alien into this world, one that looks like him LOL. Take care (keep a bible and some holy water available sounds like you might need it).

 
Old 08-17-2005, 01:20 PM   #15
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Re: PART II :He said he'll go to anger management.

Do you have a gun loaded with silver bullets too??? (Oh wait, that's for vampires, not for devils.)

Seriously, this man is deranged!

Get those cops off their butts and get that restraining order in place!!! But don't stop there, you have to report him the minute he violates it!!!

AND really, if so many other women want him, then why oh why is he still spending so much time bugging you? Wouldn't you think he'd be out there kicking up his heels having the time of his life?

Please be careful, Glogreen!

 
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