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Old 08-16-2005, 10:15 PM   #1
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Mixed Feelings, Thinking of breaking up...

I've been dating a girl for about a month now.

There's a lot I do like about her, and I know she has very deep, strong feelings for me, and I do know she does want us to be together forever.

However, I've been talking with some good friends of mine, and I've also been having mixed feelings. Things were great AT FIRST, but the longer we spent together, and the better I got to know her... the more I started to see.

She's 25, which is 5 years older than me. She does not have a job, and in her past, she has never been able to keep a job. She lives with her sister and her parents give her a little gas money and food money. She is studying for an exam to get a degree, she's failed the test once, and her next test is in 2 weeks, and she has not been studying much. She seems to drag her feet on a lot of things, it's hard to get her to do stuff.

I've also noticed overtime, she's very pushy and controling... While eating a cough drop, she said to me "I think that's your last one, I can't stand that noise" and also like while drinking a drink, I slurp a little and she keeps telling me to stop it. It's not just the little things... She keeps trying to get me to move over there, trying to get me to wear different clothes, etc etc.

I also feel like I'm putting everything into the relationship, and getting nothing in return. We go out to eat all the time, go to the movies, and she also lives far away.. A round trip is well over 100 miles and usually takes about half a tank of gas ($15 or so). She's never once came over to visit me. I've brought her here before, but she's never came on her own. She does have a bad car and doesn't trust it, which I can understand... However, I cannot understand her sitting at home, or hanging with her friends and not trying to at least get a job in fast food to at least have something.

Another thing that really bothers me is... She is very regious, which i don't have a problem with, however, she talks about it all the time and it runs her life. She doesn't want to spend much time with me alone, because she doesn't want to be tempted to have sex.. she wants to wait until marrage (which she is already talking about!) In the past, she's been with 15 guys and was telling me she used to be addicted to sex and doesn't want to go down that path again... so she is waiting until marrage this time. I understand she is trying to do the right thing, but this does bother me a lot. I've put so much into this relationship and just feel like I'm getting nothing in return.

I've put her before myself... I got myself in such a money bind, that I had to borrow money from family, and take a small loan from my job, I've also been late on a few of my bills. I can't afford this.

I'm such a "nice" person, and she's such a "controling" person that it really takes a lot out of me...

I know it's wrong, but I don't want to be alone again, and my mom even said to me tonight "are you sure you can handle being alone again? remember what happened last time you were alone?"

My question is... What should I do?

As Always, Thanks for your time and support.

 
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Old 08-17-2005, 02:14 AM   #2
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Re: Mixed Feelings, Thinking of breaking up...

Hi Mike, as always your situation is multi-layered and not easy to reduce to one simplistic bit of advice. Itís not as easy to pin down as you being nice and she being controlling, because youíre both together out of free willÖmy concern is that you are not getting the same effort and commitment you put into the relationship in return from her because she is not really capable or interested in a mature relationship. I donít mean to suggest sheís using you exactly, but it could be that she likes having a boyfriend aroundÖIíve been guilty of keeping around guys Iím not crazy about, and the two big signs are that they put in most of the effort, not me, and that I have little or no interest in having sex with them. But with a man I find deeply attractive inside and out, thereís not much he could do to resist my sexual come-ons, and heíll definitely see that Iím giving just as much time and energy to the relationship as he is!

Something about her feelings about premarital sex just donít seem to ring trueósheís making a bigger deal about it, with counseling and the anti-sex books and wanting to get married ASAP that I canít help but wonder if she doth protest a bit too much to cover up something less idealistic? I can see why you are torn in many ways here--I wonder if you could tell me your gut reaction to the question are you inclined to stay more because this is the girl you want to be with and you don't want to let her get away, or because you like having a girlfriend? It strikes me that you might be running up against some of the same issues you've struggled with in the past as far as being with girls you weren't crazy about, but wanting to stay because you saw having any girlfriend as preferable to being alone. I don't mean to make that sound bad, as you're definitely in the majority there in terms of people who will overlook red flags for the sake of preserving a relationship, and to some degree, it's wonderful to be understanding and forgiving. But overall, it seems that this new girlfriend has caused you more anxiety, stress, and overall hassles than happiness, serenity, and relaxation. She also sounds like a bit of a nag, which I struggle with at times too, but try to contain because itís mean to pick on someone you care for just because they did something tiny that slightly annoyed me. Itís usually also a bad sign when the more you get to know someone, the less sure you are that you want to be with them. Okay, well here are the main things I think you should think about carefully as you weigh your options:

1) Could you realistically see yourself, as a responsible, hard-working man, spending a lifetime with a woman not motivated to get a job or earn money of her own, rather than sponging off her family and friends? If she is chronically ill or there is some legitimate reason why she can't work, I apologize for being off base and judgmental, as I struggle with that to some degree myself despite all my academic and professional success before I got chronic pain. But if it's nothing but sheer laziness and a lack of motivation, it sounds like she']s going to be one of those people who gets her meal ticket from someone else throughout her life. Remember that you can only control and change yourself, so if there are major things like her work ethic that concern you, you would be making a big, foolish mistake to expect her to change, especially when it comes to things like this which tend to be ingrained in our immutable natures. It has sounded in the past that sheís also slow and lazy to get going even with simple things like getting dressed and out the door?

2) As I've said before, her attitude toward sex puzzles and deeply concerns me. In general, I think a good rule is to run far, far away from anyone who sees sex in a negative way...either as a bad thing to be avoided by "good people" or just not as a pleasant, desirable experience. I don't know about a sex addiction--do you have any reason to believe that other than the 15 partners? That's really not a lot, if you consider that most attractive, sociable people start having sex by 15 or so on average...then by 25 she's only slept with one, maybe two new guys in an entire year. That's a long way from a sex addiction as far as I know...I was under the impression full blown sex addictions involved spending a huge amount of time sexually involved with a huge variety of partners, though I don't know much about the subject. Anyway, 15 partners is not a lot for a desirable, sexual person in their twenties...there are a ton of people out there who have WAY more partners and don't consider it a problem, a negative thing, or view sex as a "mistake" to be avoided in the future . That's just not the kind of healthy, enthusiastic desire and attitude about sex that I would want in a lover, not to mention in a prospective spouse! And then to say she doesn't want to be alone with you to avoid messing around until marriage...that sounds shady, like she's either trying to lure you into marriage ASAP or maybe she's not that interested in sex with you for some reason? Or something happened to turn her off from sex in general? Why in the world does she think it's so awful for two committed, consenting, well-protected adults to have a physical relationship? Sex is a big part of a relationship, especially in that no sex causes inevitable problems, and I personally think if you want to be having a good sex life, you should find a woman who really enjoys and wants sex!

3) This quote makes it seem like you feel like you are putting in more than your fair share of the time, effort, and money, while she doesnít lift a fingeróhow is her emotional effort? Do you feel like you do most of the work of keeping the relationship stable and content as well?:

ďI also feel like I'm putting everything into the relationship, and getting nothing in return. We go out to eat all the time, go to the movies, and she also lives far away.. A round trip is well over 100 miles and usually takes about half a tank of gas ($15 or so). She's never once came over to visit me. I've brought her here before, but she's never came on her own. She does have a bad car and doesn't trust it, which I can understand...Ē

On top of that, she doesnít have a job, so itís not like sheís too busy to work on her car, take the bus, or ask for a ride to your houseÖyou on the other hand have real responsibilities, you have to pay your own bills, your own car, etc. It really bothers me that youíve always been so careful and smart about managing money, then she comes along and seems to encourage you to spend more than you can afford. The only thing worse than someone who expects a free ride is someone who expects a very expensive, pampered free ride! Please think about the financial issues carefully, regardless of your decision about your GF. Even if you keep seeing her, you should really rethink spending all this money you donít have. Itís so smart to avoid excessive spending and splurging so you can stay out of debt and not spend your life paying off credit card interest. If you canít afford to driver her around everywhere, take her out to eat all the time, and whatever else, please stop doing those things! Itís not worth getting into financial difficulty over! Has she ever paid for anything by the way? Just for a frame of reference, Iím very close to her age and have always had a very successful dating lifeÖitís not like I have to pay for dates to get guys to take me out, but nonetheless, I often offer to pay for some things or chip in. Most of the time guys pay, but I think itís only fair and respectful that I do my part rather than expecting him to buy anything and everything I want while weíre out together.

4) You might want to reconsider letting your friends and family have such a strong influence on your dating decisions. I know they love you and only want the best for you, but if I recall correctly, asking friends at work about potential love interests there only confused things, exaggerated their interest at times, and ultimately resulted in frustration for you. What if you tried not asking for anymore romantic advice from people who know you well for the time being? I think then you might have an easier time getting in touch with, and following through with, what you really want and feel deep down rather than what you think you should do or feel based on outsidersí input. Your mom, as I recall, started off telling you that your new GF might not work out, not to get too excited, which was sound advice, but soon after she was discussing the possibility of you moving to her city? All after a few weeks? And now that she seems to be trying to convince you to stay with someone, even if she doesnít make you happy and could get in the way of you finding true and lasting love, just to avoid being alone. I donít agree with that advice nor do I think itís good for your self-esteem to have your parent suggest you need to settle for any girl you can land, whether you like her a lot or not. You are far too young, idealistic, and optimistic when it comes to love to settle for anything less than overwhelming, absolutely consuming and positively certain, passionate and deep love for a woman youíd even consider marrying.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 02:48 AM   #3
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stay2gether HB User
Re: Mixed Feelings, Thinking of breaking up...

how is she when shes with you like does she like to kiss and cuddles you all the time? and make you feel wanted. or is she quite reserved from you? i think she may seem reserved from wat you have said.
maybe she feels that she doesnt have to put any work in to it because you already do all the work. i think you should try treating her the way she treats you for a while and see how she reacts to that.
there is a saying "treat others how you wish to be treated" so then she may realise that your not going to put up with her behavior and that if she wants this to work then she need to start giving something back becuase you are doing all the giving and she is doing all the taking.

keep us updated x

 
Old 08-17-2005, 03:31 AM   #4
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Re: Mixed Feelings, Thinking of breaking up...

I have a question? if you are not happy in a relationship, why stay with it? You are having considerable doubts....I am much older but also in the dating scene....with more experience in relationships, and loneless. I for one believe, that the right relationship is not hard to deal with. We all make bad choices, that is part of life, the important thing is, learn from them and go on. I had to learn the hard way...loosing many years of my life, by giving to the wrong men. For one thing, many times you are in a relationship and spend most of your time lonely anyway. You need to work on yourself. Keep yourself busy with friends, things you like to do, spoil and pamper yourself! I am not an Alcoholic , but have read some books on the subject and really believe that the phrase "one day at a time" is for everyone in all aspects of life. You are young and when you meet the right woman, you won't be the only "giver". Good luck, Lou

 
Old 08-17-2005, 04:14 AM   #5
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Re: Mixed Feelings, Thinking of breaking up...

In my opinion you are being too picky. I have a similar thread on this board pertaing to the same subject manner. My situation is far worse since he not only does not trust me (with no good reasons not too) but becomes very clingy, abusive, and manipulative when he doesn't get his way or he thinks he is being wronged in some way.

Fortunately,for him I do love him and, would never think of leaving. However, I have put my foot down and have seen a positive, dramatic change in his actions and that does prove his love and devotion to me. However, he still has a ways to go wih the rust issue. But he is more open than he has been and we realize the mistakes we are making with each other.

The only thing I can say is talk to her about how you feel. You can't nit pick and criticize someone and expect any changes. You must tell her or the ship will sink fast. I do know nobody is perfect and I think deep down you crave that perfect woman. She doen't exist. So for starters stop analyzing, nit picking, and criticizing and with some positive feed back to her with the things you do like about her, it will all work ut fine.

Don't walk away from your problems, embrace them, then let them go.

Last edited by Daphnee; 08-17-2005 at 04:17 AM.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 05:18 AM   #6
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Hangin in There HB User
Re: Mixed Feelings, Thinking of breaking up...

Mike, you told us about her last week in your thread entitled "Relationships...it's not easy". Most of us said this girl didn't sound good for you.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 06:25 AM   #7
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jenna1 HB User
Re: Mixed Feelings, Thinking of breaking up...

I think if you are having all these thoughts and feelings only a month into the relationship that maybe you should end it before you put anymore time in effort in a lost cause.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 09:17 AM   #8
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Re: Mixed Feelings, Thinking of breaking up...

have you mentioned any of these things to her? Esp. about your money problems?

I think you need to lay it all out there for her, what needs to be occurring in your relationship to make YOU happy. If she's willing to do it, that's great. If not, then the ball's in her court.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 09:33 AM   #9
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Re: Mixed Feelings, Thinking of breaking up...

Thank You.

I have talked to her about the sex issue. I see no problem in having sex if we are both commited to each other, however, she went on (for days) about her past, and that she's trying to do the right thing in God's eyes. She keeps saying that it's not that she wants to have sex, it's just that she feels guility when she does before marrage now. She's more reglious now than in her past. Me and her did "stuff" which was very close to sex, however, she now wants to be more careful and not be put back into a situation that might cause it to happen again... so she doesn't want to spend as much time alone. She also suggested that we go to counceling on our disagreement on the sexual issue, and she was also wanting us to go to bookstores to read up on sex and marrage.

I have told her about my money issue, and I have even canceled out on going to see her because of it, and I have slowed down on paying for stuff. However, She's still being very pushy... One night she was like "well can't you borrow money from your aunt, or uncle, or maybe a coworker??" Which that bothered me a lot...

However, I have been spending A LOT less and things are still going smoothly for the past week or so now... I just simply tell her I don't have the money and no where to get the money, and she comes up with other idea's just so we can be together.

I'm a bit confused... I feel like I'm being used because she just want's a relationship, marrage, and kids... I don't think she loves me for me, but rather just using me. However, She calls me many times a day, lets me know every little detail going on in her life, she lets me stay the night at her place, I've had dinner with her parents... so the other part of me thinks that she does love me... and one time she said to me "Money, that's not what's important"

It's just mixed feelings and signs. I'm just so confused right now I don't know what to do.

I do want to break up with her, but there are some things about her that I like and don't want to loose...

 
Old 08-17-2005, 07:10 PM   #10
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Re: Mixed Feelings, Thinking of breaking up...

She thinks if she tells you no sex before marriage, you will get horney as heck and marry her fast!!! That's an old trick!!!

Why waste time with a controling woman when there are so many more out there? You have only been with her one month and you are unhappy?

Don't you know that the ratio is something like 1 single man to 4 single women out there? For God's sake, go find a nice girl who has a job!!! I'm sure Miss Right is out there waiting!!!

 
Old 08-17-2005, 07:33 PM   #11
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Re: Mixed Feelings, Thinking of breaking up...

How did you find this girl 50 miles away? If it was through an ad, what would attract you to someone unemployed who is relatively far away? You knew what gas prices were like.

She's probably bossy and controlling because she's five years older than you. I'm not saying it's right. I'm just thinking she probably sees you as a tad young and can tell you what to do. The age difference wouldn't be so much if you were, say 35 and 40.

I don't understand your mom's comment about you being alone. Being alone at 20 is not a life sentence. If you were 50 and single, then sure, I'd be concerned, but not at 20!

A girl shouldn't be causing you financial problems in only a month! You shouldn't be unhappy in only a month either! Obviously, she isn't the right one for you or you wouldn't feel this way. You've invested some money but, fortunately, not much time in this relationship. I think you should cut your losses and move on. Take your time to find the right person (closer to your home!) and try not to get so attached to every girl who pays you attention.

Good luck

Last edited by Banana Split; 08-17-2005 at 07:40 PM.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 09:42 PM   #12
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Re: Mixed Feelings, Thinking of breaking up...

The Distance never really bothered me... It isn't really that bad of a drive and It's a nice drive. There were nights when I got off work, I drove out there and stayed the night and came back the next day and went to work.

It would have been a lot eaiser if I wasn't the only one doing all the driving, like if she came over here once in a while, and if she paid for a few meals here and there...

She is wanting me to come back out there this week... Not going to happen... One being because of all this going on, and another being, I only have $41 in my checking account, and I need that for Gas later this week, and lunch money... If I went out there, that would be my lunch money. No Thanks.

I've also been fighting this bad cold for a almost 2 weeks now and can't seem to get rid of it.. and I might be having to go to the doctor, so that's more money right there (my health insurence isn't the best)

There was a very very slight chance I might have got her pregnet (i know i know) so she had some tests done today, and she was saying to me on the phone "If I'm pregnet, I think we should get married right away and have the ceremony soon because it starts showing after a month or two.. did you want to start planning now?"

I just about passed out when she said that... That drew the line.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 10:21 PM   #13
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Re: Mixed Feelings, Thinking of breaking up...

Quote:
Originally Posted by M1K3L
There was a very very slight chance I might have got her pregnet (i know i know) so she had some tests done today, and she was saying to me on the phone "If I'm pregnet, I think we should get married right away and have the ceremony soon because it starts showing after a month or two.. did you want to start planning now?"
I am sorry, but oh my gosh, when I read this part it just made me laugh. If you guys aren't sleeping together then how in the world could this girl be pregnant? It sounds like she is trying to "trap" or "trick" you into marrying her (and she is hoping that you will be dumb enough to fall for it)----could she be pregnant by someone else? Regardless, this girl sounds like a fruitcake for sure!!!!!! I think you should get out ASAP! I am sure that you are a good, decent guy and like the previous poster said----there are plenty of decent, single girls out there in need of a good guy like you .

 
Old 08-17-2005, 10:44 PM   #14
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Re: Mixed Feelings, Thinking of breaking up...

We got cought up in the moment one day and we nearly had sex.. I won't go into detail, but there was a very very slight chance she could've became pregnet.. my friends kept telling me it was nothing to worry about and i didn't think it was and neither did she.

My friend also said if she did get pregnet that it wouldn't be my baby, and my friend seems to think she could be pushing someone elses baby on me.

All my friend said was, this girl is trouble and to get away as soon as possable.

I'm not going out there tommorrow, I didn't go out there last weekend either, maybe she'll take the hint. I just can't figure her out, and another thing, I just simply don't have the money.

 
Old 08-18-2005, 03:34 AM   #15
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Re: Mixed Feelings, Thinking of breaking up...

In your more recent post, you said the distance/driving never bothered you. Go re-read your original thread. You said it costs you half a tank of gas each time. It sounds like it does bother you.

I agree with the last poster. This girl sounds like Trouble with a capital T. If you guys were only "fooling around" and there was no penetration, she could not be pregnant by you. Sperm dies after it hits the air. If she IS pregnant, I would DEMAND a paternity test! Do not let her rush you into marriage just because she claims she's pregnant. I'm betting she'd love nothing more than another excuse not to get her degree and not have to work. She probably thinks hmmm, here's a young guy, he's working, he'll believe he got me pregnant....in other words, to her you've got Sucker written across your forehead!

STAY AWAY!

 
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