My boyfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago. It was a long, drawn out affair, instigated by me. I knew for a long time we were not compatible enough although I loved him dearly - despite our many fights and differences he was probably the only man I have dated (I am 31) who I actually considered marrying. Anyway, the point is I KNOW breaking up was the right thing to do, and still feel that way, as excruciating painful as it was at the time.
Since then, I have started casually dating another man and while it is nothing serious, he is a great guy and a caring & fun new friend - the classic rebound "friend with benefits". So I have started moving on. However, I just found out yesterday that my ex has a new girlfriend - and I am freaking out!! Why??
I cant quite figure it out but no amount of logic seems to be quelling this intense pain. I had the most horrible and heartrending dream about him last night in which he was cruelly rejecting me - meanwhile I was the one in real life who initiated our breakup! I know this is a common reaction to hearing of a past loves' first relationship since the one you shared - but I could really use some empathy right now, stuck here at work still aching over the thought of him excited over his new girl, sleeping with her - and feeling "disposable" (and yes, I know how hypocritical it is!) Anyone going through this, or remembering all too well this annoying, illogical post-breakup phenomena?? What is the best way to deal with it?
(also - when we broke up he kept saying again and again how part of his problem is that he jumps into relationships too quicky - never spent enough time single, is terrfied of being alone, etc...and how he is determined to spend this next year ALONE - not starting a relationship, just occasioanlly dating - in order to be a less narcissistic, learn about himself, and be more attentive boyfriend next time around. Yet now, a month later, he has lept full force into a new one. I cant tell you how much I am fighting the urge to send him a totally passive agressive judgemental email accusing him of breaking his "rule"....help!)
Whatever you do, don't send him a passive-aggressive email accusing him of breaking his own rules. It will not do you any good. I am sorry you're in so much pain, and I can completely understand it, but sending that email would be useless. Besides, you were the one who broke things off and you are dating someone else, so yes, he would think it's very hypocritical of you to pass judgement on him. I think the best you can do is try to think that his new relationship is only a "rebound" and that it won't last anyway. It always helps me to think like that, even if I have no way of knowing if it's true or not. Also, when I think that no matter what, I was the "best," and this new girl cannot even compare to me, that also seems to help. Remind yourself that you were the one who made the decision to break up and that you know it was the right thing to do, so it's not like you're a victim or have been dumped without a choice. Hope this helps a little.
I guess my best advice would be to sit there and imagine IF you did get back together. Really picture it, and go thru the whole scenario. Not just the initial reunion, but imagine a week later, a month later. Where would you be? Probably right back where you were when you broke up with him.
I imagine getting back with my ex everyday. Oh, and can I relate to sitting there at work with nothing but the thoughts.
But mostly when I think of going back to him, I just dream of that first moment I can have him in my arms again.
Well, yesterday, I finally started thinking further ahead. What if everything would still be the same? What if it would never really be different? What if I ended up right back where I was when I left?
That's a somewhat scarier thought than just never talking to him again is. It would just do no good at all.
I know you aren't saying you are trying to get back together, but to imagine how it would REALLY be should help to stop you from wanting to even bother with contacting him.
What do really want to accomplish by contacting him? Do you think it would really be accomplished?
Try to picture yourself getting in touch with him, and imagine it going the worst it possibly can. Then tell yourself that's what would happen. Should make the urge ease up.
That's the best of my "scattered thoughts" for now. I wish you the best in your resolve!
Last edited by LostMyHeart; 08-18-2005 at 08:42 PM.
My advice--don't drink. The drunk dial can always happen. Stay busy and make a list of things you;ve always wanted to do, and do them one by one. Helps the self esteem a lot. I swear, if I didn't have my list to stay focused--I would have found about 10 lame reasons to call. Trust me, they all sound lame to them. Being strong is the only way. I agree that it is SOOO hard and I'm so with ya on that one. Stay strong girl.
Yes the drink dial can be a problem.
Delete his email address, delete his home number, delete his mobile number. Put all photos away. You will have memories, they will be good ones, but yes you need to remember why you broke up, and then leave things as they are. It may take many months, even though you know you did the right thing, and you are dating again, it is hard, you will have good days and bad days. Seeing an ex with a new partner is the hardest thing, been there. If there are still some feelings there it will be heart wrenching. But you will get through it, we all think we won't, but in time we do. The second after you have sent him "that" message, you will regret it. Just keep remembering that there is someone soooo much better and nicer out there for you.
koala, you said that so well. That is how I feel about my ex. I have been pondering the Idea of letting him know my boyfriend asked me to marry him tonight, but I do not have his email/phone or mobile so i did a search online, i dont know if i found the real phone number or address but i'd never be able to send him mail or call I'd be out of my mind.
I feel so stupid for even letting my ex cross my mind...I love my boyfriend. Why do some ex's have such an impact vs some who have none?!
what great responces! thanks everyone!
Yes, its really hard and infuriating...it really feels more painful than the initial breakup! It does help to think of how it would really be if we were to have stayed together, or would get back together, and I know in my heart that he doesn't not have it in him to change - at least not for a long, long time. Do I want to spend the next 15 years waiting for him to mature enough to enjoy sharing himself with me and other people, to truly enjoy life and not just be totally self/work obsessed? Hell no! I know he loved me and wanted to stay with me more than anything - and if he wasn't able to break out of his ********** THEN, to save our relationship (because believe me, he had plenty of chances - couples therapy, etc) why on earth do I think he would be able to magically do it now? Despite that realization, I cant control my mind from thinking, ridiculously, that the new girl will get the "good" version of him, that us breaking up somehow transformed him and now someone else will get the "fruits" of my exhausting 2 years. Ha! Sounds ridiculous, but my mind keeps going there anyway and its like a stab in the heart. Why am I intentionally hurting myself with these fantasies?? Maybe I jumped into dating, however casually, too soon, and never fully dealt with his absence?
As far as the question why do some exes have more impact on us than others, I have a GREAT link to a site that beautifully answers that question! But I think we are not allowed to add links (which I totally dont understand, btw!) Could I add it? I think it would be so helpful to people here - goes into how we cant get over them because we got enough of what we needed to keep us hanging on, but never enough to make us feel safe in the relationship - and that precarious balance is what makes it so difficult to let go - the anger in the fact that they COULD give it some of the time, but just in small doses...its hard to think they just aren't intentionally depriving you, etc, & the lingering resentment...
No telliing why some X's have so much power over us for so long is there? That's really something to think about. There are some I see, and I feel nothing at all. Others--maybe one or two--I am still totally hot for in a way, and still another, if I saw him with someone else, I would be like, "Get off!!!!He's mine!!" It's SO funny isn't it?
Maybe it's about closier of the relationship. maybe it's about the safety, comfortable part of knowing them. Maybe it's control. Maybe it's about winning. Maybe it was the real love ones and it doesn't really die off as we had hoped. Man, I could go on--I am such an over analyzer!!!! I sure wonder every day why I can't get over my X of just a few months.
Now, I have many reasons to not want to be with him. Mainly--he kinda dumped me in a bad, non closier way. He drinks--too much. He needs to get his head together about me--what ever the hell that means!!!
BUT- and here's the kicker!! He misses me. He said I was the ONE. He told his daughter he loved me. He kept my Father's Day card I gave him, and supposedly cries when he reads it! He keeps telling his daughter "I just don't know." and "I don't know if I am just meant to be alone." I feel like I am in such limbo which makes it hard to move on.
I think getting closier is the most important thing, and sometimes we are forced to give it to ourselves. This takes much more time for some people than others. I swear, I have this amazing urge to walk up to him when he's giving me one of those, blue eyed, "I'd like to eat you with a spoon" looks, and just shake the crap out of him screaming, "what in the **** is wrong with you!!???" HA HA HA Ha
drunk dial ups are fun... they're also a great way of driving the person away also lets you get a heap of stuff off your chest... maybe not so good in your situation, because you instigated the break...