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How should I take this...

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Old 08-17-2005, 11:22 AM   #1
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 79
RegularGuy7 HB User
How should I take this...

My wife and I have been married for just over a year (we dated for 5 years) She's still in grad school and I've been working for the past 6 years. We have a pretty decent life as I make enough money by myself to pay the bills, go on the occasional vacation, etc. I love her with all my heart and I've never met anybody who is so "on the same wavelength" as me.

But the other day, actually it was our annversary, she tells me that she only married me because...and she shrugged her shoulders...she didn't have anywhere else to go and needed somebody to take care of her.

I just kind of laughed it off because I honestly thought she was joking. But the more I thought about it...why joke about that? Why even say that? And I find myself getting more and more confused / upset / and hurt by it. Am I just her "sugar daddy"? That seems odd considering we've been together for so long.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind taking care of her. I never think of or treat her like she's mooching from me. But they way she said it made it sound like she only married me to have someplace to live.

I guess what I'm asking should I handle this? Should I just drop it and move on or should I tell her something about it?

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Old 08-17-2005, 11:49 AM   #2
Bell Jar
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 88
Bell Jar HB User
Re: How should I take this...

Um, that's an odd thing to say to someone you're married to. Even if it's true, why say it at all?

There's no reason to bottle up these thoughts. Definitely discuss this with her and tell her how you feel.

Old 08-17-2005, 02:57 PM   #3
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 120
jenna1 HB User
Re: How should I take this...

Wow, on your anniversary she says that to you? Was "love" even mentioned in the conversation? I agree with Bell Jar - have a talk with your wife. Nobody likes to hear the person that they love "settled" for them.

Old 08-18-2005, 03:52 AM   #4
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 320
thghtsreal HB User
Re: How should I take this...

Oh, come on, Regular Guy. She had to have been joking with you. You yourself said that you love her with all your heart and you are "on the same wave-length".

You can't have that kind of love thang and wave-length syncronization with someone who married you simply out of necessity. Surely you would have known by now.

Ask her about it nicely and get this behind you. Don't be offended if she doesn't remember saying it and don't be offended if SHE is offended that you brought it up.

This is the kind of silly thing that might come up in your first few years of marriage, but if you let if fester, it can cause unnecessary stress. You know, sometimes women will say silly things like that just to see your response. She might have ACTUALLY been looking for a bit more assurance from you.

Let us know how it goes.

Old 08-18-2005, 02:23 PM   #5
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 187
tenagain HB User
Re: How should I take this...

It is rather wierd and I can't decide which of the previous 2 posts I agree with more...yes she could be kidding, but you need to talk to her about it or it will bother you for a long time.

I'm trying to think of why I personally would ever say that to my husband and the only thing I can come up with is that I would say it if I was sensing that something had changed in the relationship and I was feeling insecure...yes it is immature and there would be more forthcoming results if I just spoke with him honestly about it, but I'm not perfect...

I have been known to make comments such as, "if she (another woman we know or one just passing by) were to give you a second glance you would just dump me in a heartbeat wouldn't you?"

Or..."if I were to die in an accident you would maybe mourn for a second or two is all"

or..."The only reason you married me is so that you have someone to take care of you when you are old"

I'm not proud of these statements but I said them....and of course my husband always gets mad at me when I say them but it leads to a discussion which is what I wanted all along...

talk to her and get it figured out!

Old 08-18-2005, 02:35 PM   #6
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,566
Hiya HB User
Re: How should I take this...

Although none of us was there to actually witness the event, it seems to me that unless she winked and laughed after saying it, she probably was NOT kidding. Talk to her about it. Does it bother you to think it could be true? She obviously said it for a reason. Perhaps she finally wanted you to know. Why? You're going to have to ask her to get to the bottom of it. If she was just being honest with you about why she married you and her feelings about the marriage, then the ball is in your court and you've got some serious thinking to do.

Old 08-19-2005, 08:13 AM   #7
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 79
RegularGuy7 HB User
Re: How should I take this...

The thing is...she really didn't have anywhere else to go. She had no job or income (because she was in school for so long) and really couldn't move back in with her family. But like I said, we had dated for years and it was always kind of given that we'd get married even before her financial problems came up. Luckily it worked out that I as able to support the both of us.

Either way...I think I'm just going to let it drop. I appreciate the comments people have made in here and I want to thank all of you who took the time to read my story and chime in. But I don't want to go making a mountain out of a molehill here. If she WAS joking and I accuse her of not loving me, then she gets her feelings hurt. If she WAS serious then I'll deal with things if / when she brings it up again. Again, I don't want to go stirring the pot.

Old 08-19-2005, 09:29 AM   #8
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 62
daria74 HB User
Re: How should I take this...

I find it confusing that someone who you should know better than anyone else could say something like this to you and you would not know weather she was joking or not...does she have a cold side that comes from from time to time? Or was this completely, totally out of character? Just wondering...I have never been close to anyone, friend or boyfriend, that ever said anything hurtfull that was a total 180 and completely out of the blue - unless I had been in denial about aspects of our relationship...

Old 08-19-2005, 09:32 AM   #9
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 62
daria74 HB User
Re: How should I take this...

also, she could have said it in a passive agressive way becasue she was mad about something and too immature to just bring it up...

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