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Old 08-17-2005, 02:46 PM   #1
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What to do..opinions would be great!

Hi everyone:

I am new here and would like some opinions. My BF and I have been together for 4.5 years. I am going into my last year of college this year (we met is hs). I just feel so confused, I just don't know what to do. Early in the relationship he would get very verbally abusive and violent (not directly to me, he would throw things, punch things) ONLY when he drank. He has not done this in about 2 years, so I truly believe that aspect has gotten better (just something that bothers me, says on abuse websites that this may be a warning for the future).

I suggested that maybe when I go back to school (2hrs. away from here) that we take a break for awhile and see what happens. He took this as me go off with some other guy, fool around, and if I feel like it come back to him. He also told me that if we break up that's it, because he doesn't believe in the break up get back together stuff. This just hurts me so bad it's like an ultimatim for my future and for our relationship. How can I know if he is the one for me when I haven't experienced anyone else since H.S.? He says if I really loved him I would know it without a doubt in my mind and that I wouldn't need to date someone else to find out. AAaaahhhhhh.....just don't know what to do. Any advice would be great, I think I just need to think outside of the box. Sorry so long. Thanx.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 03:26 PM   #2
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Re: What to do..opinions would be great!

Your boyfriend has some issues he definitely needs to sort out and I think you're doing the right thing wanting to take a break from this relationship. He sounds a little immature and has an insecurity problem to overcome. Have you sat down and told him why you're seeking a break?

 
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Old 08-17-2005, 04:16 PM   #3
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Re: What to do..opinions would be great!

You'll have to decide if you want to take the risk on whether he will still be there after you've experienced other boyfriends.

If you are willing to risk that I'd say that it indicates that you and your boyfriend may have dated 3 yrs too long - sometimes "staying together" prevents you from getting on with your life.

If you are not willing to take that risk then it indicates that your love for this man is stronger than any desire to date other men to see what other people are like. That you don't care what other people are like -

Any man will see "taking a break" as them being put on hold while the one they love dates others... And if I'm reading your post correctly that is pretty much it?

My brother married his high school sweetheart - they've been married 30 yrs. and neither of them needed to take a break.
I've seen other high school sweethearts who just don't make it.
You really have to look deep inside.
Risk losing him forever.
Risk never knowing what other people are like.
Weigh it and see which way the scale tips....

 
Old 08-17-2005, 04:44 PM   #4
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Re: What to do..opinions would be great!

I think it's extremely rare that high school sweethearts end up well-suited for each other once they grow into mature adults. It was probably a lot more common in the past or in uneducated and impoverished areas when not everyone went to college, but at this point, most ambitious and professional people are not fully independent and self-sufficient until 5-10 years after high school, sometimes even more depending on their fields and grad school experiences. We are just not the same person at the beginning of high school as we are after college, and this almost inevitably results in outgrowing someone you loved as an innocent young girl. Everyone wants to believe that their first love is really special and will be that one amazing case where fate brings two high school sweethears back together forever, but this just doesn't happen often. Ruth--I'm curious why you didn't react to the poster's comments that her boyfriend has had past problems abusing alcohol and verbally abusing her, especially at such a young age? As far as the HS sweetheart phenomenon, there may be a memory bias in play, as people may overestimate the successful HS sweethearts because such relationships are probably about 1000 times as memorable as those of high school couples who eventually fizzle out.

To blonde girl, I understand your position quite well and know how hard it can be. I was in your shoes in college with a long distance, on and off boyfriend I dated for over 4 years all in all. Part of me knew he wasn't really "the one," and that it would be a long time before I was ready and mature enough to settle down even if he was. If you feel okay at the prospect of a break, I think you can be pretty sure that although you may still love him and care for him deeply, you're not supposed to be together for the time being. I don't really believe in breaks or long distance relationships, having wished too many of my happiest college days away in anticipation of a lost weekend with my long distance high school sweetheart every so often. I just wasn't happy with him, not in the wonderful way I knew the right man would make me happy, and I think I'd have left sooner if he'd been around more. As it was, I waffled about leaving him for much longer than I should have--let's face it, there are HUGE obstacles against HS sweethearts with educational and career goals. Even if they last four years missing each other at different schools while failing to embrace all their individual college experiences have to offer, what about when they don't want to go to grad schools in the same city or get offered dream jobs near each other? Please don't make the same mistake I did and waste anymore of your precious, wonderful college years pining away and worrying about a guy that deep down you can tell isn't going to be your lifelong partner. Of course it's difficult to believe we will ever love again or that we haven't made a stupid rash decision at first, but eventually time and experience show us that following our instincts and acting in accordance with our needs and best interests almost always has a way of working out great in the end .

 
Old 08-17-2005, 05:59 PM   #5
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Re: What to do..opinions would be great!

The Eagle has landed and she is one smart girl!!!!LOL Sorry, I couldn't resist!!

Eaglesgirl makes a lot of sense here.

You have so much more growing and maturing to do and your boyfriend sounds very insecure. Throwing things and verbal abuse is no way to act, even under the lame excuse of alcohol.

The whole fact that you are questioning your relationship speaks volumes!! I don't think going out on your own, seeing the world and growing is a risk, I think it is a must. You will be healthier for it when you do settle down with Mr. Right.

Otherwise, you'll look back at 40ish and say to you high school sweetheart hubby, "Gee, I need to find myself and I want a divorce!" LOL

 
Old 08-18-2005, 09:12 AM   #6
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Re: What to do..opinions would be great!

Thank You all for your advice, especially Eaglesgirl for the detailed input. It would be so much easier on me to just up and move on if I/we hadn't been through so much together in the past two years. 1.5 years ago my mom was in drug treatment for the 5th time for pain pills, my dad was in the process of divorcing my mom b/c of the drugs, and in the midst of all that my brother and I found his best friend dead (no one knows suicide or accident) from a gunshot to the head. My BF could relate so much to this b/c his dad was killed in a hunting accident and was also shot in the head. I feel like he is one of the only people I can really confide in, and sometimes he is the only one that can make me feel better.

Concerning the verbal and alcohol abuse: 2 years ago I gave him an ultimatim, that if he ever got drunk, threw ****, or was verbally abusive to me again, EVER, it was over. He has never done it again and apologizes profusely when ever the topic comes up.

As for my side on the relationship...My freshman year of college I met a nice guy we were friends, and we messed around once. I felt horribly guilty so I told the BF. My soph. yr. I was a good girl, didn't do anything wrong, but crap I had so much going on in my life that I could have given a **** less about guys. My Jun. yr. I met another diff. guy whom I thought was nice but was just in it for the fun (I didn't sleep with him), my BF doesn't know about this one.

Maybe I am just trying to make myself feel better and not end it for good by saying "take a break". But do you guys believe that you can truly know someone is right for you without ever experiencing anyone else? Or do you just know they are right for you? Another thing that sticks in my head is the comment from some of my guy friends. They always tell me that it's not worth it to break up with him just so that I can go out, do what I feel like and then come home to an empty bed, or with someone who doesn't give a **** about you.

I'm so dang confused...more tips please.
Thanx in advance.

 
Old 08-18-2005, 09:19 AM   #7
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Re: What to do..opinions would be great!

Some info I forgot...My BF is not going to college he works near the town we are both from (2 hrs. from my school), he is not a book work type of person but more of a technical school type. He works on heavy equipment and makes very good money. But this also limits what he can do in the future b/c he doesn't have a degree therefore he will have to stay around here so he can continue to work in the mining industry.

 
Old 08-18-2005, 05:16 PM   #8
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Re: What to do..opinions would be great!

Thanks Shelly--that was really sweet and made me laugh , and Blonde Girl, I am happy to have helped you think through all this. I read through the thread again and wish I hadn't actually told you what to do, because it's impossible for an outside observer to know the best choice for someone else except in very clear cases like abuse. Anyway, I know this is a very tough situation and a complicated decision for you...the best advice I can give you is to be as honest with yourself as possible and vent to us here as much as possible. When I type here about issues I'm struggling with, I find that not only does it make me feel relieved and calmer to get my feelings out, but sometimes I surprise myself by revealing ideas I didn't even consciously realize I was having. It's good to get advice from friends too, but it's hard for them to be objective since they know you, and like everyone, their own experiences and situations color their opinions. Your guy friends are probably feeling lonely and regretting breakups, but that doesn't mean that staying is necessarily the best choice for you...especially since you're already coming home to an empty bed due to your long distance relationship, and staying with your BF is preventing you from dating someone you can see more regularly. Another thing to consider is what you want to do after you graduate...do you want to travel, go to grad school, or live somewhere else? If so, you're going to be in a long distance relationship beyond college...is that okay with you?

One advantage of staying is that you always have the opportunity to change your mind at any time and leave, while the opposite doesn't hold true. I am so sorry that you have gone through so much tragedy in your life...you seem like a really sweet, thoughtful person, and I feel really badly that you've experienced so much pain already. My heart really goes out to you and I think it's completely understandable why you're hesitant to leave your BF after everything you've gone through together, especially since you don't have the support of your parents to replace the role he plays in your life. It wasn't too long ago that I split with an ex who was an incredible source of support for me throughout the last few years, including the onset of a chronic pain condition, and adjusting to life without him has been really tough. It's not at all easy to get used to living without someone who has been your rock, someone who you could count on to be on your side. At the same time, I see that we weren't meant for each other in the long run--sometimes people are part of our lives for only a certain period when each person is exactly what the other wants and needs for that time, but not forever. That doesn't at all diminish how special what we shared was, because growing up and maturing, especially during high school and college (which I just finished up so we’re close to the same age), is a positive and unavoidable part of life, and sometimes it means outgrowing people who were once central figures in our lives. Maybe you’re outgrowing, or have already outgrown, your BF, maybe not—only you can know that, but please don’t feel guilty about it and let that shape your decision to stay, because that wouldn’t be doing you or your BF any favors.

It’s definitely a great sign that he stopped drinking and being at all abusive…I can imagine that’s especially important to you, having witnessed firsthand the damage that substance abuse does to addicts and those who love them. If he ever goes back on his promise, that will be a clear sign that it’s time for you to move on, but for the time being, it really comes down to your gut instinct. Yes, it’s nice to have the security of a relationship to rely on, but it’s also great to be single and free to date different people and learn a lot about yourself and what you want from a partner along the way. Do you have a sense of whether you’d be happier in the future if you stayed with your BF or went out on your own? With regard to your last paragraph about whether you can know if someone is the one without experiencing other people, I personally don’t think so, but many people believe differently. It all depends on your individual feelings about it, though it sounds to me like you’re curious about other men if you’ve felt drawn to them over the past few years. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that and no reason to feel guilty…it’s not desirable for many people to settle down with the first person they love, but some do get lucky and find their life partner very early on. I always felt strongly attracted to a lot of different guys and knew I would want to experience many relationships before committing to only one man—do you feel the same way, or would you be fine settling down and not struggle with wanting to experience other guys? These are all tough questions that each person needs to decide for themselves as honestly as possible. There’s no simple, right or wrong answer, only the choice which is best for you at the current time. Based on my own experiences, I’m inclined to say you’re thinking about a break because you’re growing away from your BF and feel like he’s more a part of your past than future, and that leaving makes the most sense, but that’s a decision only you can make. Please vent here as much as you want…the more information you provide, the better we can advise you, and hopefully, the better sense you’ll get of your own feelings. I wish you all the best and know that everything will work out great for you in the end!

 
Old 08-18-2005, 06:38 PM   #9
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Re: What to do..opinions would be great!

Quote:
Originally Posted by blonde_girl
But do you guys believe that you can truly know someone is right for you without ever experiencing anyone else?
I don't believe this. I can't imagine had I married, or even thought of marrying the first person I ever dated, and I didn't have my first real relationship until 19.

Last edited by LostMyHeart; 08-18-2005 at 07:21 PM.

 
Old 08-18-2005, 09:25 PM   #10
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Re: What to do..opinions would be great!

Watch out for that clingy, explosive type even if you only have seen it a few times. My X hubby was like that, and he turned into a major abusive control freak after marraige. We all deserve someone we can grow with and treats us with great dignity. Throw this one away b4 it's too late, girl. Sorry, I'm really blunt. That's my opinion.

 
Old 08-19-2005, 11:27 AM   #11
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Re: What to do..opinions would be great!

Something I forgot to mention....we do see each other very often, although we live 2 hours apart. When he is not working he usually comes down to see me, he usually works 4 off, 4 on. It is hard though with school, he has nothing to do when I am in class and studying, at times it has negativly affected my grades b/c he will want to go to a movie or something and I will give in. I don't really feel as though our relationship would be considered "long-distance" b/c I see him just as much during the school year as I do in the summer.

I would like to have both instances..I want him to be there all the time when I need him...but I want to be able to go out dance nasty, flirt with whom ever I feel like, ask guys for their number and for it to be ok. But I know I can't have that and that I need to make a decision. He has said that if we do break up I can call him anytime I want to and that he will always be there for me. But I don't know if I can't do that b/c I love him and it would be hard to talk to him in a friendship type way, and would probably just drag me back into the relationship. Even if we do break up I will still see him pretty frequently, because all his best friends go to the same school as I do. And I would probably run into him if I went out w/ my friends. I know it would hurt him to see me with someone else, as it would hurt me to him with someone else.

Sorry I feel like I am rambling now.........

I think if we did break up I wouldn't want to see anyone for awhile, I would probably need quite a while to adjust to the whole situation. Not only emotionally, but physically, and I hate to say it but $$$ wise also. My BF spents quite a bit of money on me and I think I might find myself a little bit poorer than I was before, being a college student and all.

In your opinion do you think it is insensitive for him to say "if we breakup that's it, no getting back together crap"? I feel like he is giving me an ultimatim that if we break up that I better say good bye to our relationship forever, not our friendship, but our relationship.

As for your question about me seeing us together in the future...I feel like I am sixteen again (which could be bad, he he) and just out on the prowl for some hotties !! For some reason I just feel like I am missing out on things and I need to take FULL advantage of my last year of college, and that may mean being single. But later on when I am stable in my career (accounting by the way), I can see us together, just not now for some reason.

K I think it's time for me to end this for the moment....sorry so long an jumbled...just me thoughts running around in my brain.

Thank you all so much for your help I truly think it is helping me to think more clearly.

 
Old 08-19-2005, 03:06 PM   #12
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Re: What to do..opinions would be great!

hi
not to seem insensitive but how do i post my own questions/problems with relationships here? i'm totally new to this world of computers and can't seem to find instructions on posting, only replyng. help? i really need some objective marriage/relationship advice. thanks!!


and yes, i think if two people agree to "take a break", no ultimatums should be attatched. if he truly cares for you, he will understand your need to breathe a little

 
Old 08-19-2005, 04:43 PM   #13
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Re: What to do..opinions would be great!

Welcome to the Boards andromida!
When you are on the page with all the individual questions or "threads", look just above the "Announcement" section nearer to the top on the left hand side.
You'll see a good size blue button that says "New Thread". Click on that button and you'll get the right screen!!

 
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