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Old 08-18-2005, 12:14 PM   #1
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cinting HB User
What would stop u from reconciling?

If you were in love with someone and were broke up, what are some of the things that would keep you from reconciling? For instance, would anyone let pride stand in the way?, or if something had happened during the break up you didn't approve of, would you punish the person for it? I am curious about how everyone would respond in this situation.

 
Old 08-18-2005, 12:22 PM   #2
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Re: What would stop u from reconciling?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
If you were in love with someone and were broke up, what are some of the things that would keep you from reconciling? For instance, would anyone let pride stand in the way?, or if something had happened during the break up you didn't approve of, would you punish the person for it? I am curious about how everyone would respond in this situation.
Hmmm...it's kind of hard to respond to this one without real specifics regarding the situation. But generally speaking, if someone I really loved had broken up with me (if I'm the one still in love and hoping for a reconciliation, I'm assuming it wouldn't have been me to end it in the first place) I guess the main thinkg that would stop me from trying againwould be ifI didn't see a sincere effort on his part to make changes and accept changes that I was willing to make in order to make it work. If I still felt he was emotionally unavailabe, if he held things over my head and wouldn't let them go, if he still did things that I specifically told him hurt or elicited some negative response from me, etc. I mean, you broke up for a reason, right? If those reasons are still there, why reconcile? But no, I would never let pride stand between me and someone I really loved and wanted to be with and felt could be my soul mate. When you say "things that happened" during the break, you mean like him sleeping with someone else? For me, it would depend on whom, and when and why. And if I felt he was truly sorry and truly wanted it to work, and was willing to go for full STD screening, then I'd consider it.

 
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Old 08-18-2005, 12:32 PM   #3
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Re: What would stop u from reconciling?

I think it would all depend on the circumstances of the break-up. If it was over something silly, and you were both good for each other (brought out the best in each other) then I would put my pride aside and apologize to try to work things out and get back together. But I agree with Hiya, it all just really depends on the reasons for the break-up.

 
Old 08-18-2005, 12:53 PM   #4
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cinting HB User
Re: What would stop u from reconciling?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
Hmmm...it's kind of hard to respond to this one without real specifics regarding the situation. But generally speaking, if someone I really loved had broken up with me (if I'm the one still in love and hoping for a reconciliation, I'm assuming it wouldn't have been me to end it in the first place) I guess the main thinkg that would stop me from trying againwould be ifI didn't see a sincere effort on his part to make changes and accept changes that I was willing to make in order to make it work. If I still felt he was emotionally unavailabe, if he held things over my head and wouldn't let them go, if he still did things that I specifically told him hurt or elicited some negative response from me, etc. I mean, you broke up for a reason, right? If those reasons are still there, why reconcile? But no, I would never let pride stand between me and someone I really loved and wanted to be with and felt could be my soul mate. When you say "things that happened" during the break, you mean like him sleeping with someone else? For me, it would depend on whom, and when and why. And if I felt he was truly sorry and truly wanted it to work, and was willing to go for full STD screening, then I'd consider it.
Thanks Hiya. It was actually me that did the breaking up because of the way he was with me, emotionallly abusive and controlling, and then I dated someone else. I want my ex that I broke it off with back, and he says that he loves me, but because of the decision I made, he can't be with me. I feel like we are punishing ourselves by not trying to work it out.

 
Old 08-18-2005, 12:58 PM   #5
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Re: What would stop u from reconciling?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
Thanks Hiya. It was actually me that did the breaking up because of the way he was with me, emotionallly abusive and controlling, and then I dated someone else. I want my ex that I broke it off with back, and he says that he loves me, but because of the decision I made, he can't be with me. I feel like we are punishing ourselves by not trying to work it out.
Or perhaps punishing each other. But if I may ask, why do you want to even consider getting back together with someone who was abusive and controlling? His telling you he loves you but then playing the pouty puppy and saying he just can't be with you because you were the nasty one who broke up with him, sounds like just another way for him to be abusive and controlling. As hard at it is, and BEEEEELLLLLIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEVE ME I know it's hard, I think it's time to move on and concentrate your energies on finding someone who thinks you're worth forgiving.

 
Old 08-18-2005, 02:01 PM   #6
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Re: What would stop u from reconciling?

I'll tell you why I did not reconcile with my ex-husband when he wanted to:

1. He had cheated on me during the marriage and still denied it even though I had written proof from the woman herself.

2. He was addicted to gambling.

3. He stole money out of our savings account to pay for items for his girlfriends son (we were separated but not divorced yet)

4. He was verbally abusive to me

5. He told me it was okay with him if I had a boyfriend while we were married..if I would just let him come home and give him another chance.


All of the above told me that he didn't take me or our marriage seriously and that we had different ideas about what a marriage relationship meant.

I decided in my heart that this was not the type of man that I wanted to live with or to have children with...thank god I never got pregnant (we tried for 3 years while we were married).

The answers are different for everyone, depending on the situation and what you are willing to put up with in your life. What is importants is to not sacrifice your own identity, beliefs and ideals for another person. Someone who truly loves you and respects you will respect your beliefs and identity and will not fight you on that.

 
Old 08-18-2005, 04:10 PM   #7
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Re: What would stop u from reconciling?

Why do you want to get back together with an abusive and controlling man? Do you think he has changed? I seriously doubt it.

 
Old 08-18-2005, 04:26 PM   #8
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Re: What would stop u from reconciling?

Sophia and Nini are right...and the one thing that would DEFINITELY keep me from reconciling is if the guy had ever mistreated or abused me. Men like this don't change, and it sounds like he is still really controlling and even emotionally abusing you by claiming it's all your fault he won't get back together with you because you didn't become a celibate religious fanatic like he did. He's manipulative, condescending, and abusive...please be happy you ended things when you did and move on with your life. There are so many great guys out there, so please don't waste anymore time wanting this guy back and instead focus on the future and all the possibilities it offers. The sooner you get any thoughts of reconciling out of your head, the better--you wouldn't want to go back there even if you could, as he'd undoubtedly go back to his old ways and become even more abusive than before . You deserve so much better--stop looking back to the past!

 
Old 08-18-2005, 04:33 PM   #9
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Re: What would stop u from reconciling?

Quote:
Originally Posted by eaglesgirl37
Men like this don't change, and it sounds like he is still really controlling and even emotionally abusing you by claiming it's all your fault he won't get back together with you because you didn't become a celibate religious fanatic like he did.
Stacy, your choice of words is always 100% perfect and precise, not to mention truly colorful! "A celibate religious fanatic"--thanks for the laugh!

 
Old 08-19-2005, 07:55 AM   #10
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Re: What would stop u from reconciling?

i used to think nothing would let me reconcile (before i split with anyone that is)... i guess that's pride

but i've realised that it would take alot for me to throw it all away with the woman i loved, but it goes in cycles... so far her cheating, a painful breakup at my university graduation, and f###ing my friend, and i'd still consider taking her back... hmmm i know i have issues but i wouldn't take her back, why? because of pride again... stuff her, she missed out the day she discarded her

 
Old 08-19-2005, 11:32 AM   #11
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Re: What would stop u from reconciling?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
Why do you want to get back together with an abusive and controlling man? Do you think he has changed? I seriously doubt it.
Because I love him, and despite the way he was with me, we were really good together. I do think it's very possible that he has changed and that he has realized that his treatment of me was wrong. He won't talk to me though. I feel like I left him when he really needed me, when he begged me not to do something I would regret. But I did anyway and now he says it's too late.

 
Old 08-19-2005, 12:06 PM   #12
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Hiya HB User
Re: What would stop u from reconciling?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
Because I love him, and despite the way he was with me, we were really good together. I do think it's very possible that he has changed and that he has realized that his treatment of me was wrong. He won't talk to me though. I feel like I left him when he really needed me, when he begged me not to do something I would regret. But I did anyway and now he says it's too late.
cinting, I'm sorry, I'm not terribly familiar with your story, though eagelsgirl said something that makes me think you broke it off with him because he was really religious and you weren't so much, and he always expressed disappointment, perhaps always made you feel like a "failure" in the relationship, that no matter what you did, it was never quite good enough? Is that close? If so, I could say a few things to you on the subject.

 
Old 08-19-2005, 12:24 PM   #13
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cinting HB User
Re: What would stop u from reconciling?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
you broke it off with him because he was really religious and you weren't so much, and he always expressed disappointment, perhaps always made you feel like a "failure" in the relationship, that no matter what you did, it was never quite good enough? Is that close? If so, I could say a few things to you on the subject.
No, not because he was really religious and I wasn't, although after the break up he did rededicate. He did express disappointment in me, not so much a failure in the relationship, but a "failure" before I ever knew him. He judged me pretty harshly on things I confided in him about. I told him every mistake I had ever made and he used it against me. That is what I mean by emotional abuse, things he said to me and he did make me feel like I wasn't good enough for him. I broke it off with him when we first started dating because of it, but we got back together, and it continued and got worse. It had been better the last 3 months we were together, but he had told me that the way he felt hadn't changed, but he wouldn't bring it up anymore. I still knew how he felt. So yeah, you are pretty close. If you have advice, I would love to hear it. Thanks.

 
Old 08-19-2005, 02:58 PM   #14
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Re: What would stop u from reconciling?

A very pertinent thread. I have been thinking about this very subject for the last couple weeks really hard. See, my ex wife is coming for a visit tomorrow and we are supposed to go to a theme park together with our (my) kids and her sisters. I haven't spent more than a couple minutes talking to her since I left her 15 years ago. She really did a number on me back then. It seemed like she was purposely trying to drive me crazy. Anything that she knew bothered me, she did. Often and blatantly. She ended up cheating on me with a crackhead/alcoholic that lived next door. Even then I tried to work things out. But nothing I did would make her act like she was my wife. So one day I said "Enough. Either you agree to quit drinking and treat me like your husband and not your brother or father or I will leave." She just stood there. I was bluffing. All I wanted was a word. Some kind of hint that she wanted me to stay. I pretty much begged for just one word. Nothing. So I left. A couple weeks later she gave me the kids for good and that was that. I was stunned for about 5 years after that. Then I got mad. Very, very mad. Mad enough to where I would have just killed her if she came around in any way. I was that mad for a few more years.

So here it is 15 years later and I'm like "I'm over that stuff now. I can get on with my life" But then the kids started asking about their mother and they told me they would like to meet her. I couldn't just tell them "she's a drunken ****, no" so like an idiot I took them to her parent's house. I thought that since she lived way out in the boonies and had no phone that she would not show up. I was wrong. She arrived and I felt like a deer in headlights. She was with this scruffy little alcoholic of man. Come to find out he is a child molester and that they had just gotten married a couple hours before I showed up. Now, she had married 3 times since we split up. Never had changed her name from mine yet. We agreed to a dinner with the entire family the next day. She was very drunk again, and I could not stop myself from being mean. I didn't even realize that I had said anything mean until later when the kids asked me why I said those things. I had no idea that I was even saying anything like that. She said she was finally changing her name from mine to the molester guy's. He said they had been together for the last 3 years.

So here it is a month later. She's coming here to my house tomorrow with her family. We are supposed to meet up and then go to a large theme park nearby. I learn from her brother that a week or so after we saw her she decided to get her new marriage annulled. That would give my name back to her. They split up. She has been at the beach with her family for the last couple weeks away from that guy. They say she hasn't been drinking from the minute she gets up till she goes to bed since she left that guy.

I am scared to death that she might have some kind of idea that I would want to take her back. I mean, the last name, the instant breakup when I show back up, and things that she said during our last argument (she said she regretted what she had done and wasn't happy-but that was in 1994) The way she looked at me at that dinner.

If I was given the option of taking her back I probably would. But I would go completely insane shortly afterwards. She spent the last 15 years constantly drunk, has been a stripper, drug dealer, prostitute, homeless bum, etc. I spent the last 15 years raising my kids and staying home on weekends. I gave up dating so my kids wouldn't be screwed up by a parade of women coming into and out of their lives. I devoted 100% of my time to them.

If I took her back I would have a detoxing drunk in my house. (I will not allow any drinking around me) I would be inviting the person who hurt me more than anyone else, ever, back into my life to continue the pain. I would setting myself up for nothing but arguing. This meeting has already brought all the emotions I spent over a decade supressing right back to the forefront. It would be the more stupid mistake I could ever make.

But I would. In a second. I would not be able to stop myself no matter how hard I tried. All she would have to do is apologize and swear to quit drinking. Then I would slowly lose it knowing what she did and what I went through and what I had just allowed to happen again. But I wouldn't be able to stop it.

So tomorrow will most likely end up in a big argument. Because if she is hurt and mad and I am hurt and mad, then we can't possibly reconcile. And the thing is, I won't even be able to tell if I am doing it. It'll just happen. If it doesn't, and she gets it in her head that I will want her back, then I am dead. Because I do. And it will kill me if she learns it.

 
Old 08-20-2005, 02:02 PM   #15
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Re: What would stop u from reconciling?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
If you were in love with someone and were broke up, what are some of the things that would keep you from reconciling? For instance, would anyone let pride stand in the way?,
There is a difference between pride and self-respect. Some would say a healthy sense of pride, in oneself, comes from a healthy sense of self-respect. Don't be so quick to throw pride away. Especially if it was hard won. What you call pride may actually be some of your self respect. Going back to an abusive, ultra critical man would require throwing out the healthy pride that comes from self-respect. Pride is not always a dirty word.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
or if something had happened during the break up you didn't approve of, would you punish the person for it? I am curious about how everyone would respond in this situation.
If something happens during a breakup that I didn't approve of, it wouldn't be about punishing him, because quite frankly, it wouldn't be about him. It would be about me and rather or not I wanted to live with someone who did the kind of things I don't approve of. Some things I could live with, some things I couldn't. But, and this is important, at this point it would be about what I wanted.

Last edited by evy38; 08-20-2005 at 02:04 PM.

 
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