My boyfriend perposed to me tonight, I said yes of course, but at the same time Im thinking of my ex. Im so scared I dont know what to do. I love my boyfriend I care for my ex, im so scared....Love is scary why!
It is certainly great news that he asked you and you said yes, but you should be thinking of no-one else. You should be floating on air, blissfully happy, ecstatic and more. If you are thinking of your ex, there seems to be a little problem. Why are you thinking of him? Were you married, are you remembering what it was like when he proposed? Exes whether married or not, sometimes leave a mark on your heart, and there will be good and bad memories, but your thoughts should be on your new fiance and your future.
thanks koala cute- I am happy about him asking me, I have been waiting for it. I know my ex Isnt someone I would want to marry. I think it just makes me upset that he's speaking to a certain someone who I disaprove of and from time to time he jumps into my life and fills my heart with un hopeful things.
I know he's the wrong person to be with, he has just made such an indent on my life and I hate that. I love my current man, and I look forward to our future but at the same time Im scared of it....
Scary can be exciting, if you let it.
Think of all the things you will be looking forward to, planning. You both have a new future, to share together. I am so happy for you. Good luck with all those "scary" exciting things to come.
thanks...I think it will take some time to hit that this is "offical" and that we are ment to spend our lives together....it will be difficult but pleasing. I just hate that my ex had me feeling this way. I know he makes me feel like like crap and someone that I could never trust or want to marry, but at the same times it upsets me to think that he's not w/a certain person other then the one he is speaking w/now.
I know I shouldnt even be speaking from him, granted it is time to time every few months, but I cant stand to see him with "her" why should this bother me? I know I have a better relationship with the guy im with now then I would ever have with "him"???
Do you think you might be feeling this way because of all the concerns and stress you've been through lately regarding his family? To tell you the truth, I think it would be a mistake to legally tie yourself to him and assume all the debts his parents have ran up in his name until he gets them transferred back to his parents or paid off. Unfortunately, you can't just marry a person and not become part of his family, and I don't blame you for being hesitant about that. You're still so young, why the rush to get married? There's really no reason to hurry down the aisle unless you're eager to have kids, especially because of all the drama and financial problems with his family. I would seriously consider putting it off until your boyfriend finds a way to get out from under all his family's debt and makes it clear to them that from now on, he will have no financial dealings with them and will not tolerate them committing any more fraud in his name. Or maybe you're subconsciously questioning whether he really is the one for you? I don't think you should ignore your feelings; you're thinking about your ex for an important reason, even though I doubt it's because you want your ex back. I don't mean to be negative here at all, and I wish you all the best, but I do strongly suggest taking your time about actually getting married and making sure you feel completely settled and certain about everything first.
thanks eagle...we havent rushed getting married....we are still holding off, it's still all so new.
It just drives me up a wall because I know what I had with my ex made me misrable when i was with. I heard rumors of him spending time w/his ex. even though he'd come to me asking me to see him again. he has asked me numerous questions about our "future" together. He has always been there for me and vise versa but he has NEVER given me a reason to assume hes the one...
Im not rushing into a date date or marriage yet...it's just all so confusing and scary....
Anyone who thinks of another while being proposed to, shouldn"t have accepted the proposal. What your ex does and with whom he does it with shouldn"t concern you.
You mention how he comes into your life and mentions unhopeful things. What does that mean? You shouldn"t be hoping for anything concerning him. Whether the thoughts of your ex are good or bad, you shouldn"t be thinking about him so much. It will take away from your current relationship.
The accepting of your marriage proposal may have been a knee-jerk reaction. Your clearly not ready for marriage to anyone at this time.
Piranna ~ I think Realguy and Stacy make some valid points. A marriage proposal shouldn't have you thinking about something you don't have or put any fear or concerns in you as it seems to be doing in your case. I think you said yes out of obligation and internal pressure. I am sorry to burst your bubble but if anything your yes should be with the knowledge that you see no one making you happier than the man proposing.
We all know your history and concerns with your BF & his family. And your reaction to his proposal not only has to do with your ex but also fears of having a future with a man who is in such debt and whose family has such control over him. Although you find it difficult to admit this, I think that this is exactly what you are struggling with deep down inside.
Marriage is a decision.....as is love. And it is one that you shouldn't take lightly. You have to look at the total package before you today and decide if this man who stands before you as he is today is the man you see spending our entire future with. If you are in anyway saying to yourself that with more time and enough love he will change and come around then you are making a huge mistake. Many people go into marriage thinking the same way and these marriages often fail. Please give this great thought. After having 2 broken engagements in my past I wish somebody had given me the same advice. Fortunately I figured it all out on my own.
It is not too late to follow your heart. As time goes on it will become more difficult to break things off. BTW....do you have a ring yet??? I always found it strange when you said you were engaged but not officially....so I can't help but wonder if you got a ring this time???
(((HUGS))) ~ Goody
Last edited by goody2shuz; 08-19-2005 at 05:35 AM.
Think about it this way - do your memories of your ex fill you with feelings of warmth, love and acceptance - or insecurity & sadness? Which of the 2 men make you feel good about life and yourself when you think of them (& your pasts together?). I assume it is your new fiancée! Embracing thoughts & pining of your ex is to embrace the sadness that was ALWAYS a part of your relationship, even if your brain at times seems to just dwell on the happy times, or un-closed issues you may have had that you may think (probably delludedly) you 2 could have overcome. Who would want to hold onto that?
I dont know what your history with your ex is. All I know is my own experience with the difficulty in letting go of a relationship I could not "fix". The work involved becomes such an ingrained part of your mind, even when the "project" is no longer there, like an addiction, your brain wants to go back to the monotony of it, dwell on it over & over, how it could have been done differently - because it is what you are used to. It takes a lot of work to break that habit, like any addiction. Your old relationship was work - and while all relationship require compromise and effort - they should not feel like a job. Is that how things were with your ex? If so, dont even consider looking back! Dont deprive yourself of a happy future because of unfinished business that would have meant an exhausting life that always felt...unfinished!
Yes, Daria's post makes a lot of sense, but it is also important to keep in mind that this doesn't have to be an either-or proposition. It's certainly not as if these are the only two men you can choose from or that you need to make a final decision right now (after what sounds like only two serious relationships?) as to who is best suited for lifelong partnership with you. I'm glad to hear that you're not in any rush to tie the knot officially...I definitely think that's a smart move. Not just because I have a very tough imagining giving up on all other men and all other future relationship possibilities at your age when it seems that my romantic life is early along and still has a lot of growing left to do. Anyway, I don't mean to be a downer here, and I will be hoping that you are very happy no matter what partner you choose and when you decide to marry!
If you love your boyfriend, just go for it. I don't agree with the post that says when you get married you have to be part of his family. You and him can be an independent couple, and NO, marriage is not only for the sake of having children, and it doesn't make your commitment more or less than what it is to him as a BF. For me, it only means that your BF is very serious about you and him, and that's only positive when so many men prefer to REFUSE any such involvment. The only thing you got to ask yourself "Do you love him enough to be his wife?"
I think that what you feel about your ex is normal. Given this big decision that you've got to make, it's normal to look back and rethink of other people who were part of your life. But please move on...take the best out of what you and him had and never look back. Or rather, look back at the positive side and wish him well. By freeing yourself from any bitter feelings, you get over him and you become in control.
Best of luck for you Piranna, I hope everything works out great for you.
D
I know marriage is not just for having kids and that you don't have to merge families, but in this particular case, if you'd read the other threads, I think you'd understand why I said that it will be impossible for Piranna and her fiance to extricate themselves from the rest of his family. They can only do so if her fiance is committed to their relationship first and foremost and determined to sever financial ties to his family. Otherwise, as a married couple, they will be both legally and financially linked to his family, who has a very troubling history of lying, manipulating, and stealing thousands of dollars from their son. If he won't take a stand and refuse to bear the burden for his parents' fraud, Piranna is legally considered family when it comes to the massive debt they've piled up in both their name and her fiance's name, which I'm sure they will continue to accrue until and unless her fiance puts his foot down. My understanding is that he has not yet done so, and though I hope he will do so soon, I fear that his parents' clutches may not be so easy for the couple to escape.
Anyway, I wanted to explain that my advice was most definitely not intended as universal or generally applicable, but specific to Piranna's fiance's unfortunate family situation. While I don't agree with the people here who advocate and venerate marriage for couples of any age, I understand that people have different opinions on such issues which are in large part shaped by their own experiences. I don't come from a background where anyone would consider getting married before finishing college and probably grad school as well. People from more religious, rural backgrounds with less emphasis on education and professional careers often have a substantially lower threshold for what they consider appropriate marrying age...neither approach is better or worse, merely differences of opinion. Marriage is a very personal choice that every couple should decide for themselves without having outside pressures or external values imposed upon them, and I apologize if my other post suggested otherwise. That said, the only real urgent need I see for marriage is if a couple wants to start having kids immediately...otherwise there's no reason to be in a hurry, and I think Piranna is wise to take her time before heading down the aisle. All I meant about the having kids thing was that if I was considering marrying someone whose parents had racked up thousands of dollars of debt in his name, I would make sure there was an urgent reason to do so and that I was 100% sure that I was making the right move before I assumed that financial (and potentially legal) burden.
Yes I agree that marriage shouldn't be teenage marriage because there is a lot more to experience, and I am not sure whether Piranna is too young and in college. I have posted elsewhere that one reason that I delayed marriage is my PhD commitment (being last year I would like to devote most of my time to it, although I am 28 not 17 and despite the fact that my BF is a PhD student himself). I always thought that these two big commitments can't be reconciled. However, I know other PHD students with kids and families who are doing great in their studies. So yes, it is PERSONAL.
All I am trying to say to you Piranna is if you love him, everything else can be sorted out. Why don't you think of livinfg away from his family? I am not sure how practical this might be for you. Anyway, his proposal (even if you take your time to accept it or refuse it) shows nothing but complete respect for you as he thinks of you as a long-term partner.
Piranna, congratulations!!! As far as the thoughts of ex, I think it has to do with the fact that you are feeling scared, not because you'd rather go back to him. I think a certain extent of fear before such a life altering even as marriage is natural. But, of course, only you know deep inside if your fears stem from the fact that you're not really sure your fiance is "the one," or from being reluctant to get involved in his crazy family situation, or if you're just plain and simple not ready for a lifelong commitment at this time in your life. I wish I could anwer these for you, but I can't. That's why I think it's good to take some time and stay engaged for at least a few months so that you can sort these concerns out in your head and heart. As far as your fiance's financial situation and the debt accumulated by his parents in his name (that is just so wrong of them!!), I don't blame you for being afraid of getting yourself involved in this mess. However, I think this can be solved if you and your fiance signed a prenuptual agreement that specifies that any debt accumulated by your fiance prior to the marriage is not your responsibility in any way. Now, I'm not sure if you can do the same during the marriage, probably not. I would definitely consult an attorney on this because it's a serious thing and can ruin your credit, etc. I know it might sound cold, but, hey, why should you have to take financial responsibility for these horrible people who are unfortunately his parents?
thank you all for the wonderful and much needed advice. Sorry I havent posted I havent been around lately.
Goody to answer your questions first, yes there is now a ring on that little finger of mine! The night I wrote that I had also had a few glasses of champagne, i know that's no excuse but it did add to my feeling of "dilema" haha.
I do love him enough to get past this I think. Things are moving forward with the two credit card issues, he received a notice in the mail for one of them just the other day that it is no longer in 'past due' status, but it is still a debt of quite a bit of money!
Realguy is right I probably shouldnt even be thinking of my ex during this moment of happiness. I could never go back to my ex though knowing the type of guy he actually is when he's with other women. I know he's a cheater and doesnt treat women with too much respect, he thinks and cares for himself only it seems. The man I am with now is a real gem. He's everything most women would want. Compliments, flowers on a monthly basis, always aiming to please, never forgets an important date.
I know these things may/can fade away over time but they havent really. Im a princess to him. He treats me like one and tells me all the time how much he loves me and cant wait to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. I know children isnt something that HAS to be. We have discussed and I do want kids....someday not anytime soon. I am 22, he is 23. I am in school and he is going to work until I finish, we will move and he will join the police acadamy.
I dont want kids until I have a career started for myself. His mother is already on me about kids. My guys sister just had one and now she's saying to me she'd like to see me have one within two years. I keep telling her, no way no how.
My boyfriend and I do not plan on staying around his parents. He told me they got into a fight on the way to my house the night he asked me to marry him. She told him that she feels LEFTOUT!! I have asked her to help with a guestlist ect...so before the night was over I went up to her and asked her about the list a few other things, he response was she couldnt do the guest list that my boyfriend would have to do it because she doesnt have a phone to contact her mother for addresses!!!!
I told my boyfriend that i tried since he said I should talk to her, he said he wanted me to discuss other things about weddings...I told him I have nothing else...I dont need help with anything else right now. She also told him that she feels I dont like her. My only response to him was "well she hasnt given me a reason to really think highly of her lately" and he knows what im refering too...
thank you all for the wonderful and much needed advice. Sorry I havent posted I havent been around lately.
Goody to answer your questions first, yes there is now a ring on that little finger of mine! The night I wrote that I had also had a few glasses of champagne, i know that's no excuse but it did add to my feeling of "dilema" haha.
The man I am with now is a real gem. He's everything most women would want. Compliments, flowers on a monthly basis, always aiming to please, never forgets an important date.
I know these things may/can fade away over time but they havent really. Im a princess to him. He treats me like one and tells me all the time how much he loves me and cant wait to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me.
I dont want kids until I have a career started for myself. His mother is already on me about kids. My guys sister just had one and now she's saying to me she'd like to see me have one within two years. I keep telling her, no way no how.
Piranna.....I am happy to hear all of this. It sounds like you have the ingredients necessary to have a happy future together. I just want you to realize that as far as his family is concerned what you see is what you get and I didn't want you to think that you can change them. The only thing you will change is the way in which you respond to them. So long as you and your fiance stand united you will never have any problems. It's when he sides with his family that you will see problems and from what you describe it seems that he is transitioning well into the....."man shall leave his mother" mode Thanks for sharing....Goody
Last edited by goody2shuz; 08-22-2005 at 07:43 PM.
I know my boyfriend got ina bit of a fight with her on the way to my place the night he perposed. He told me I should go talk to her about the wedding because she felt left out, his sister said dont worry about it she's fine. So I wasnt going to say anything but I figured I'd make the effort to ask her myself about the guest list thinking she'd feel a bit more 'involved'. Well that back-fired she told me she couldnt because she doesnt have a phone and that my boyfriend would have to call or email her himself.
It's like...I dont need her help with anything right now, there is nothing that needs help. Just a guest list to be started for her side of the family lol. So I did make the effort. I have decided to make what effort i can, if that means going upstairs to say hello when I go to his house that is fine by me. Yesterday night I went there and my boyfriend and I went upstairs to say hey and she didnt really "notice" us because she was too into this game. So we went back downstairs.
I dont see how she can say she thinks I dont like her when she's not making the effort either. And I know she wont change unless her computer blows up and video game discontinues lol (fat chance) but i can hope. I will gritt my teeth and bare it until more issues come up.
The credit card thing hasnt been bothering me, thank goodness. Hearing that one of the cards is no longer in past due helped put my mind at ease, i hope to hear that the other comes out of negative standing soon too...will keep in touch ~P
I dont know what to do. I love my boyfriend I care for my ex, im so scared....Love is scary why! 
and that's only positive when so many men prefer to REFUSE any such involvment. The only thing you got to ask yourself "Do you love him enough to be his wife?"
The only thing you will change is the way in which you respond to them. So long as you and your fiance stand united you will never have any problems. It's when he sides with his family that you will see problems and from what you describe it seems that he is transitioning well into the....."man shall leave his mother" mode 
Thanks for sharing....Goody 
