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Old 08-19-2005, 01:30 PM   #1
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 502
sumi HB User
Letting go of your family

I'm nost sure if this is the best place to post this but I need advice.
First of all I live in the USA and they live in Europe so perhaps the fact that I only hear things and not see them makes it worse. But for example:
My sister has a child (3 years old) who is very ill and constantly needs attention. Mentally our little angerl is fine but physically she is not. Also my sister is in a very bad marriage and not happy. Poor thing has a very hard life right now.
My brother is 26 and has never held a job more than about one year and has serious anger issues. He is always on edge and has no education because he had to drop out of high school when my father had a heart attack. After that he just went from one job to another.
My parents are still together and happy but my father I think has manic depression.
Now, I am very happy living here but when I hear about my family and their problems I fall apart. I wish there was something I could do, I wish things were good for them. I feel incredibly guilty that I have a good job and make good money and they don't have any. I feel guilty that my sister is so unhappy and I have a wonderful relationship with my husband. I feel guilty that I have so much (which I worked very hard for) and they work so hard but never get anywhere.
Do other people have these kinds of feelings? I mean do people just let go of their family once they get married?
Finally are there any self help books I can get that would guide me to just kind of let go and not cry every night. I am very religious but sometimes I am so bad and loose my faith because its one thing after another, nothing is ever just ok. I am so tired of worrying and hoping for better days and those days just never come.

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Old 08-19-2005, 02:06 PM   #2
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 493
glamourgal HB User
Re: Letting go of your family

Hi Sumi Wow, I can only imagine how hard it must be to be so far away from your family--especially when they are having problems and you feel like you can't help. I really don't know what to say except to just keep right on praying and to come here and talk things out when you feel upset. I just don't understand why tragedy seems to continually hit the same kind, sweet people over and over. My best friend's family is the same way. Her parents (especially her dad) are not in good health and her brothers can barely make ends meet and she is the only one doing well, but yet not well enough to help them as much as they need. And they are the sweetest people in the whole world. It just doesn't seem fair. Do you having anyone to talk to, like maybe someone from church or a counselor?? As for the books, maybe you could look at a christian bookstore if you are religious under the self-help section. I wish I had better advice to offer or something to make you feel better. Hopefully, things will get better soon.

Old 08-19-2005, 02:35 PM   #3
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,813
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Letting go of your family

Hi, Sumi You are a wonderful daughter, sister, aunt, and wife to think about and feel the pain of those that are part of your life. I know that you consider yourself more fortunate than other members of your family and I can feel your guilt & pain for if I were in your shoes I would feel much the same way. It comes from the love we have for those that we first shared life with. But God has given us a guideline when it comes to marriage of a man leaving his mother and a woman leaving her home and the two putting one another first as a new family. It is not you fault that your family members are going through such grief & pain. However as a family member you want to offer support in a way that will not take away from your immediate family....your husband.

Perhaps you can think of ways of being supportive that will help make you feel less guilt & pain. By making a point of emailing as often as possible and mailing little gifts and necessities that you can afford may be a start. Is it possible for anyone in your family to come for a visit to the states??? And if they cannot afford to do so would you be able to???? There are so many different things that you can do long distance to show your love & support for your family. Through the internet you can send pictures and letters to bring smiles to their faces.

I know that you feel guilty but think about how you would feel if your brother or sister were doing well...because you love them you would be happy for them. I am sure that your family feels happy for you as well. Where in Europe do they live???

I agree with Glamourgal....I would go to your church and see what support you can get from them and they may even suggest ways in which you can help/support your family and release the guilt you feel for not being able to do more. I know that often a church will adopt a family in need overseas and may be able to help your family out as well.

I hope you feel better and know that you can always come here for support. Your family is so lucky just having your love...that is a gift in itself. Please know that is what they need from you the most and it sounds like you have plenty of that to go around. Peace & blessings ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 08-19-2005 at 03:15 PM.

Old 08-20-2005, 07:30 PM   #4
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 502
sumi HB User
Re: Letting go of your family

Thank you both for your kind words and support. I can't help but cry when I read such heartfelt responses.
In answer to some of your questions. My family lives in Cyprus. I am currently 8 months pregnant and my mother is coming in one week to help us. I am so happy that she is coming but also feel that she is very needed back home. My sister at the same time is ready to leave for Israel where there will be a panel of doctors to tell her weather her little girl will undergo heart surgery to change her valves or a very difficult spinal surgery since she has 75% scoliosis and her spine is putting pressure on her heart and lungs.
I often send little gifts to them and photos weekly as you had suggested. But yet the sadness and fear of losing them is always in my heart. I wish I was there for my sister, I wish I could tell her that her little one will be alright, instead I can only pray.
Once again thank you to those who responded.

Old 08-21-2005, 09:33 AM   #5
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,813
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Letting go of your family

Sumi ~ You must not feel guilty about allowing your family to experience the important things in life as a family. Your mom wants to experience the joy of welcoming another grandchild into her not deny her this wonderful gift

There are so many advancements in medical science that I would be extremely surprised if they were unable to help your little niece. I know that somewhere in this world there is a doctor who will help your sister's little girl and there are families who will host other families in order to make this possible if it is a matter of finances. You keep on praying that the panel of doctors are able to do what they need to in order to fix this broken child or if they cannot that they direct your sister to another doctor who will.

Meanwhile, you continue to support your family in the most important way, by loving them and praying for them. And enjoy your transition into motherhood, it is another tie that binds us to our family and will strengthen your relationship all those that are a part of you. Enjoy the week that your mom comes to help......and watch the joy in her eyes. ~ Goody

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