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Old 08-19-2005, 02:38 PM   #1
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Hiya HB User
I know it should be second nature...

...to deal with these sort of things on an everyday basis, but I'm just so tired and feel so sick and I'm just not up to dealing with all this without a little support, so if I could just bounce a few things off my cyber friends...

First, a lady I work with and am getting to know pretty well was talking to me today about karaoke and all the places close by and the song choice, etc. and she suggested we should get a group from work together and go, or even just a fact-finding mission for just the two of us and go. I got the feeling she was sort of waiting for me to take the next step so I suggested a day next week to go and check out a club close to work and she said yeah, great, so I guess if we can get a few people to come too, that would be good. I guess I handled that ok, like a normal person!

Second, a few weeks ago, this other woman I worked with went on vacation and didn't finish her work. I didn't know she had gone on vacation and I didn't notice part of her work wasn't done until it was too late. I noticed the other part, and I guess I could have put something in to make turn out sort of ok, but it didn't occur to me. I didn't know she wouldn't be in to finish it. I alerted my boss and he corrected it best he could from home. He let her go a few days later, because she had been doing substandard work for a while and I came in to clean up part of what she'd done already, and he has been slowly giving me her responsibilities. Anyway, today she chewed me out for not covering up for her and how she always made sure everyone was covered and how I "threw her under the bus" so to speak. I just listened and told her I didn't even know the first part of her work wasn't done and she said no, only one part wasnt' done and you could have done this to make it come out ok. I was just like, ok, I hear you. I didn't apologize or anything. I thought it was pretty cheeky to blame me for her getting fired, but I still hate being bit**ed at by anyone for any reason. My face gets all flushed and my ears pound and I just hate it. I felt like saying she dropped the ball and how dare she blame me, but I didn't. I mean, I do have to work with her still, but I'm still left feeling a bit angry and put upon.

Third, a guy I just started working with had been sort of harmlessly flirting with me, and today he asked me "my situation", do I have a husband, boyfriend, what do I do for fun, etc. I said mostly movies. "By yourself??!!"" Well, yeah. "well heck, I'll go with you to the movies, or get a drink or something! I think you're adorable!" I said well, sure why not, sometime. Didn't plan anything definite, though. I always assumed when I'd meet "the one" my ex would just go flying out of my head and heart, and this guy doesn't even come close to making that happen. Besides, I work with him, and I don't think it's such a good idea to "dip your nib in the company ink" as they say. Anyway, not sure where this will all lead, just wanted to bounce it off you. what if I do go to the movies or for a drink with this guy and I make it clear I only want to be friends and he doesn't hear me? That's happened before, only this time I can't get away so cleanly. He's in my face every day. Any suggestions?

p.s. oh boy. he just came back to my cube and asked me how much longer am I going to be here and let's go get a drink!! I said maybe a quick one. I guess I couldn't hurt. My main concern is that I'm just not strong enough to deal with negative situations. Bad blood, hurt feelings, ill will, in the work place, would really suck!

Last edited by Hiya; 08-19-2005 at 02:46 PM.

 
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Old 08-19-2005, 03:05 PM   #2
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Hangin in There HB User
Re: I know it should be second nature...

Regarding the second scenario, I don't understand how/why you're still working with that woman if she got fired ? How many employees work there? If it's not a small place, how are you supposed to keep track of everyone who's on vacation if no one brings it to your attention? You shouldn't be blamed for not filling in for her if you weren't told to do so.

About the guy, I personally don't think it's a good idea to date someone
from work. No matter how it turns out it can be uncomfortable and people will be whispering, etc. I never wanted to deal with that. It would be annoying if the guy kept asking and you weren't interested. Then you feel like you have to dodge him or keep making excuses.

Good luck

 
Old 08-19-2005, 03:07 PM   #3
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Hiya HB User
Re: I know it should be second nature...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hangin in There
Regarding the second scenario, I don't understand how/why you're still working with that woman if she got fired ? How many employees work there? If it's not a small place, how are you supposed to keep track of everyone who's on vacation if no one brings it to your attention? You shouldn't be blamed for not filling in for her if you weren't told to do so.

About the guy, I personally don't think it's a good idea to date someone
from work. No matter how it turns out it can be uncomfortable and people will be whispering, etc. I never wanted to deal with that. It would be annoying if the guy kept asking and you weren't interested. Then you feel like you have to dodge him or keep making excuses.

Good luck
Well, she got fired from this particular portion of the company, but she still works in other parts.

Yeah, I'm going to make it clear it's just a friends thing and see what happens. Thanks.

 
Old 08-19-2005, 03:07 PM   #4
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: I know it should be second nature...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
First, a lady I work with and am getting to know pretty well was talking to me today about karaoke and all the places close by and the song choice, etc. and she suggested we should get a group from work together and go, or even just a fact-finding mission for just the two of us and go. I got the feeling she was sort of waiting for me to take the next step so I suggested a day next week to go and check out a club close to work and she said yeah, great, so I guess if we can get a few people to come too, that would be good. I guess I handled that ok, like a normal person!
You did fine here, Nini I think this is great....and by you taking the next step you let her know that you would be interested in her friendship ourside of work and it's right up your alley as far as things you like to do So when do you go??? If she doesn't say anything on Monday I would tell her that you thought about it over the weekend and you're really looking forward to it. Even if others don't go I say you get excited and smile and say that it'll be fun just the two of you and that you're not waiting for any stragglers. Then you pretend you're with Goody and live it up and have a great fun time!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
He let her go a few days later, because she had been doing substandard work for a while and I came in to clean up part of what she'd done already, and he has been slowly giving me her responsibilities. Anyway, today she chewed me out for not covering up for her and how she always made sure everyone was covered and how I "threw her under the bus" so to speak. I didn't apologize or anything. I thought it was pretty cheeky to blame me for her getting fired, but I still hate being bit**ed at by anyone for any reason. My face gets all flushed and my ears pound and I just hate it. I felt like saying she dropped the ball and how dare she blame me, but I didn't. I mean, I do have to work with her still, but I'm still left feeling a bit angry and put upon.
Okay, you lost me here....if she got fired how do you still have to work with her??? I think you handled things okay...you didn't apologize which gives here a clear signal that you were not in the wrong and she had to take the consequences. It wasn't your fault Nini. You shouldn't have to clean up after everyone else...you helped her out other times and if she says anything else you just tell her that you covered her many other times and that she has no right being angry at you for something she neglected to do. And walk away with your head up high!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
Third, a guy I just started working with had been sort of harmlessly flirting with me. I don't think it's such a good idea to "dip your nib in the company ink" as they say. Anyway, not sure where this will all lead, just wanted to bounce it off you. what if I do go to the movies or for a drink with this guy and I make it clear I only want to be friends and he doesn't hear me? That's happened before, only this time I can't get away so cleanly. He's in my face every day. Any suggestions?
You got me laughing on third one, Nini!!! I love how you say things....like "dipping your nib in the company ink" is that a midwestern thing??? Anyway....I honestly think that if you don't see this as going anywhere and he can't see it as only a mixed company friendship then I would avoid any stress and just say no!! It wouldn't be worth all the aggravation of going to a movie only to have to face his comments on a daily basis if things go wrong or misinterpreted. If, however, you can make it clear that you are not interested in dating but would like the company now & then well I say why not. It'll give you an opportunity to get out there and at the same time buid your confidence. What do you think????

I hope this helps and if it makes you feel any better Goody has her share of meeting nasty people. While food shopping with my daughter the other day the woman ahead of me had her cart all loaded and only had to pay. I snuck down to the end to start getting my bags ready to help pack while my daughter stayed behind by the conveyer belt with our food and our cart. The lady gave me a nasty look (I in no way rushed her or got in her way and was way off to the side at the far end of the checkout area) and she said rather nastily "I thought that you might want to pay my bill while you are at it!!" I looked at her & asked if I had offended her in anyway??? She commented on how I started making my bags before she even left and I apologized saying that I was only trying to help the cashier out by getting the bags ready and didn't think I was in her way. She rolled her eyes and I said, "Well all I can do is apologize for offending you in some way and I have already done it twice." She turned and walked away So what do you think of that???

It bothered me to see that some people are out to find fault in just about everything around them. And there is just nothing we can do about that other than show them another way. But most times they are just going to be miserable no matter what. Hmmmmm.......it should be first nature but second is okay too. ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 08-19-2005 at 03:16 PM.

 
Old 08-19-2005, 03:23 PM   #5
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: I know it should be second nature...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
.p.s. oh boy. he just came back to my cube and asked me how much longer am I going to be here and let's go get a drink!! I said maybe a quick one. I guess I couldn't hurt. My main concern is that I'm just not strong enough to deal with negative situations. Bad blood, hurt feelings, ill will, in the work place, would really suck!
Just make it clear that you feel work & dating don't mix well but you thought the company would be nice since you had no other plans. And enjoy it....pretend you're with Heartland or me And no wearing superglued sweats Hehehehehehehe ~ Goody

 
Old 08-19-2005, 04:37 PM   #6
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: I know it should be second nature...

Okay, maybe I'm way off base here, but what's wrong with going out for a drink and NOT mentioning the "let's just be friends" deal??
We (as in females) are so quick to start putting boundries up that we can end up keeping out the wrong cowboy. Or "company ink"....
OK, I'm from the midwest and hadn't heard the "nib" deal but I'm still giggling over it too!!!
Ruth

 
Old 08-19-2005, 04:49 PM   #7
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Re: I know it should be second nature...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
Okay, maybe I'm way off base here, but what's wrong with going out for a drink and NOT mentioning the "let's just be friends" deal??
We (as in females) are so quick to start putting boundries up that we can end up keeping out the wrong cowboy. Or "company ink"....
OK, I'm from the midwest and hadn't heard the "nib" deal but I'm still giggling over it too!!!
Ruth
Hehehehehehe I'm glad my cybertwin was smilin' too

As far as the "let's just be friends deal", although I am not quite the advocate of that philosophy myself, I think in Nini's case with her feelings of not dating anyone in the office I thought she should establish some boundaries from the beginning. I generally think it's not very smart to "nib" either.....just makes it even more of a headache and awkward if things don't "pan" out.

(((HUGS))) to my angel that hopefully is flying a little higher ~ Goody

 
Old 08-19-2005, 05:07 PM   #8
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Re: I know it should be second nature...

Yay, Nini! I am so happy to hear this news...I've always wondered why more people didn't see how smart and fun and cool you are and ask you to hang out, but I guess when it rains, it pours! I think you've handled yourself very well, politely but friendly too...doesn't it feel good when people reach out to you? Even if you're not crazy about the guy or the kareoke lady, it's probably still worth the time to go out with them and socialize...it's one of those things where if you push yourself even when you're not in the mood, you'll still benefit. You'll probably end up having a good time, maybe meet some cool new people (who can then introduce you to more people, which is how social networks get formed and how many people meet quality partners!), and if nothing else, get valuable experience conversing with people in a social environment. Not that you need practice socializing, but I find that the more I do it, the more comfortable I feel in those situations and the more I enjoy myself around other people. I just think this is such great news! I remember how you've wished in the past to have friends to go out for a drink or a movie with, and I can't help being really excited that this seems to be developing for you. I think you deserve big time praise and congratulations for handling yourself so well and for being upbeat and friendly enough to attract them to you. See, we've always told you that you're awesome and that the people who haven't liked you or treated you well were just dumb jerks, and that the rest of the world loves you! The vast majority of normal, content people will have no reason not to like you and enjoy your company, as you've seen today.

I hope you are able to strike up a friendship with your female coworker--you've mentioned in the past that you'd like to have someone to go out to clubs, music shows and do kareoke with, right? She sounds like she could be a nice friend, and even if not, it will still have been good practice and maybe will expose you to someone you like better. If I were you, to take the pressure off of responding to social invitations, I'd make a habit of accepting any offers you get graciously, then you can always back out later or only see the person once if things don't go well. That's just a little advice, but I really don't think you need any, Nini! You're obviously letting your wonderful personality shine through in real life as well as here, which is awesome! I hope these invitations, along with all your friends here who adore you, help you to reassure yourself when a bitter, negative person like your loser coworker tries to bring you down to feel better about herself. The problem is with THEM, not you, and I hope you are starting to realize that and no longer subscribing to your old way of thinking, in which any negative interaction struck you as a reflection of your unlikeability when the opposite is true. Anyone who feels the need to be rude, mean, or otherwise hostile to a stranger or acquaintance is either having a really hard time or is just a miserable excuse for a human being...neither case has ANYTHING to do with you! If anything, you might attract a little more of this than average just because you're so sweet, gentle, and good-natured. But these are the same qualities that make people like you, and they certainly aren't worth changing just because some jerks occasionally take advantage. Anyway, congratulations again...I hope you have a great weekend and a fun time out with your coworkers!

 
Old 08-19-2005, 05:42 PM   #9
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SophiaM HB User
Re: I know it should be second nature...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
Okay, maybe I'm way off base here, but what's wrong with going out for a drink and NOT mentioning the "let's just be friends" deal??
We (as in females) are so quick to start putting boundries up that we can end up keeping out the wrong cowboy. Or "company ink"....
OK, I'm from the midwest and hadn't heard the "nib" deal but I'm still giggling over it too!!!
Ruth
Exactly, Nini, what's wrong with going out with him for a drink as just coworkers, no pressure and getting to know him a little? You said he was someone new in the company, or at least new to you. Do you think he's a nice and interesting enough guy to get to know as a friend for now? Like I said before, sometimes the attraction part doesn't kick in immediately, but even if he turned out to be just a good friend, we can always use good friends!!! Besides, there are a lot of couples who met through work, it's nothing unusual, and it would certainly not stop me if I liked someone.

 
Old 08-19-2005, 07:53 PM   #10
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Hiya HB User
Re: I know it should be second nature...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
Exactly, Nini, what's wrong with going out with him for a drink as just coworkers, no pressure and getting to know him a little? You said he was someone new in the company, or at least new to you. Do you think he's a nice and interesting enough guy to get to know as a friend for now? Like I said before, sometimes the attraction part doesn't kick in immediately, but even if he turned out to be just a good friend, we can always use good friends!!! Besides, there are a lot of couples who met through work, it's nothing unusual, and it would certainly not stop me if I liked someone.
Well, I went for the drink, and although I don't think he's "boyfriend" material, it was pleasant just to sit and talk with someone. When I got home the FFWB had left a message wanting me to babysit his son for him tomorrow morning. I know he's busy and all, but it just gets to me that he only calls me when he wants something. I can't say I blame him, though. I guess I can be a drag since every time we get together he ends up badgering me about going to his church and I end up explaining why I just don't want to and that leads to an emotional discussion about the "ex." I guess we're both a little sick of it.

Anyway, the co-worker:smokes, drinks what I would call heavily on occassion, chews tobacco, and does pot once in a while. NOT the qualities I'm looking for. He was nice enough but don't think it would be a good idea to be alone with him again. He asked if I'd like to go to a movie and said "maybe it could be like a date" and twitched his eyebrows up and down, and said I was adorable and "hot" and he couldn't understand why I'm not seeing anyone. Which I find very bizarre since I usually just wear jeans or pants, a tee shirt with my hair back and no make up at work. I didn't even wash my hair today!! (I'm not a slob, trust me! It's very long and the climate is very dry so it doesn't always get oily and dirty enough to wash every day, but still) He must be a chest man. Usually men who pay me attention are chest men since I'm fairly well endowed in that area. But it doesn't really sound like he would easily be content with "just friends."

Anyway, another guy I work with, married and very nice, asked me if there was anything new on the boyfriend front. I just said "oh, stop!" And he said he was going to find me a nice guy because "you're too sweet to pass up!!"

I guess all this has me wondering how I could have messed up so badly with my ex that toward the end he couldn't even stand to be around me and all he wanted was for me to just go away. I wish it still didn't hurt so bad. But I keep muddling on, and see what tomorrow will bring. Thanks for all the feedback, guys! I'm off now to see MY MOVIE, the 40 Year Old Virgin. I can't believe they made a movie about me!! Actually, I dont' know whether to laugh or cry at the whole " ahem, old maid" situation, but we'll see.

 
Old 08-19-2005, 08:10 PM   #11
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Re: I know it should be second nature...

As far as dating a co-worker from personal experience I don't think it's ever a good idea... Secondly as a guy I really think it is a good idea if you are ever to go out with this guy again to make perfectly clear you are only going as friends.. Trust me if you don't he'll assume if there isn't something going on there is a good chance it will... But like I said reguardless of whether or not you think he might have potential I would never recommend dating a co-worker reguardless of your company's size...

 
Old 08-19-2005, 08:24 PM   #12
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Re: I know it should be second nature...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
Anyway, the co-worker:smokes, drinks what I would call heavily on occassion, chews tobacco, and does pot once in a while. NOT the qualities I'm looking for. He was nice enough but don't think it would be a good idea to be alone with him again. He asked if I'd like to go to a movie and said "maybe it could be like a date" and twitched his eyebrows up and down,
I agree---this guy doesn't sound like boyfriend material, but how funny ---I can just picture him twitching his eyebrows up and down, and you thinking " OMG, what have I gotten myself into"---hehe!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
Anyway, another guy I work with, married and very nice, asked me if there was anything new on the boyfriend front. I just said "oh, stop!" And he said he was going to find me a nice guy because "you're too sweet to pass up!!"
Now this sounds promising!!!!! Maybe he really will know a single, fun guy who would be a perfect match for a sweet, fun girl like you!!! How Romantic!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
I guess all this has me wondering how I could have messed up so badly with my ex that toward the end he couldn't even stand to be around me and all he wanted was for me to just go away. I wish it still didn't hurt so bad. But I keep muddling on, and see what tomorrow will bring. Thanks for all the feedback, guys! I'm off now to see MY MOVIE, the 40 Year Old Virgin. I can't believe they made a movie about me!! Actually, I dont' know whether to laugh or cry at the whole " ahem, old maid" situation, but we'll see.
Nini, you DID NOT "mess up" with your ex----he is the one who messed up by letting someone as wonderful as you get away! I wish you could get that in your head---you deserve so much better than him!!!

Anyway, I am so happy that you have some exciting things coming up! You are such a fun person ---I hope you have a blast at the movie!!

 
Old 08-19-2005, 08:24 PM   #13
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: I know it should be second nature...

Ok, I'm revising my original response Hiya!!
DON'T go out with this particular guy again even as friends!!!
Sorry, but unless he has a friend or brother who doesn't drink, chew or smoke doobies I'd say he's outahere!!!!!!

I've dated guys from work - one for a year, another for a couple years. Neither one ended in marriage, but I can't say I'm sorry I ever met them. They helped make me the person I am today and that Mr. Ruth met & fell in love with - so I guess they were stepping stones.

But I have to say that this particular co-worker didn't come off sounding like the person that I would pick for you!!
(Now, that's a great idea for a thread - "If I could pick the right person for Hiya...")
A big Hug,

 
Old 08-20-2005, 11:20 AM   #14
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: I know it should be second nature...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
Anyway, the co-worker:smokes, drinks what I would call heavily on occassion, chews tobacco, and does pot once in a while. NOT the qualities I'm looking for. He was nice enough but don't think it would be a good idea to be alone with him again. He asked if I'd like to go to a movie and said "maybe it could be like a date" and twitched his eyebrows up and down, and said I was adorable and "hot" and he couldn't understand why I'm not seeing anyone. He must be a chest man. Usually men who pay me attention are chest men since I'm fairly well endowed in that area. But it doesn't really sound like he would easily be content with "just friends."
Ha ha....I couldn't help but laugh at the "twitching eyebrows" myself. That would sort of creep me out!!! I must agree that he sounds like he wouldn't be happy with the "just friends" status. So I guess you have to decide if he's somebody worthwhile and from the sounds of it he sounds like more trouble than anything. You deserve better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
Anyway, another guy I work with, married and very nice, asked me if there was anything new on the boyfriend front. I just said "oh, stop!" And he said he was going to find me a nice guy because "you're too sweet to pass up!!"
Now this sounds good, Hiya I would definitely follow up with him next time he talks to you by saying something like...."So you have any nice guys in mind for me.....I haven't had much luck with the one's I run into lately and might be open to meeting somebody you have screened well for me!!"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
I'm off now to see MY MOVIE, the 40 Year Old Virgin. I can't believe they made a movie about me!! Actually, I dont' know whether to laugh or cry at the whole " ahem, old maid" situation, but we'll see.
It is funny that they came out with a movie with one of your famous quotes......so how was it??? I still have to get out to see "Must Love Dogs"....too much going on here at the homefront. Hope you enjoyed your night. Keep your chin up...things seem to be happening for you and I love sharing in the excitement of it all. (((HUGS))) ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 08-20-2005 at 11:25 AM.

 
Old 08-20-2005, 11:58 AM   #15
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Re: I know it should be second nature...

Quote:
Originally Posted by goody2shuz

It is funny that they came out with a movie with one of your famous quotes......so how was it??? I still have to get out to see "Must Love Dogs"....too much going on here at the homefront. Hope you enjoyed your night. Keep your chin up...things seem to be happening for you and I love sharing in the excitement of it all. (((HUGS))) ~ Goody
It was actually sort of sweet. I mean, it's rated R and rightly deserves to be, there are some genuinely raunchy moments, like when the virgin's friends try to give him "advice," lots of locker room humor. The overall theme and ending of the movie was rather sweet. People think that someone who has actually reached the age of 40 and is still a virgin must be some sort of total freak or seriously damaged in some way. This guy was a little developementally arrested, but basically just a really really sweet guy who didn't want to just sleep around, but just waited till he fell in love, and just didn't happen to fall in love till he was 40.

 
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