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Old 08-19-2005, 08:34 PM   #1
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Unhappy How hard is the first year of marriage supposed to be?

I know everyne says the first year of marriage is hard, getting to know each others quirks, dealing with in-laws, money, etc. But here's the thing - my husband and I have been married almost a year. We lived together for a year and a half before that, so we already knew what living together was all about and had all that down pat. However, lately we seem to be disagreeing about everyhting. I have known this guy since I was 12, he has always been my best friend and over the last 4 years I thought he was a male version of me. but lately, we seem to have different life ideas about everything and everything out of his mouth infuriates me lately. What bothers me most is it seems to be things we used to agree on - you know, the big things, having kids, money, etc.

The worst part is that I don't feel all that attracted to him lately. Part of it is just that I am so thoroughly annoyed with him that I can't stand the thought of sex with him. Another part of it is that I have had a bad anxiety disorder for several years and have been on and off meds, so my sex drive is very low anyway - and another part of it is that he has really let himself get fat and it doesn't seem to bother him - he has no drive to get in shape. He complains about being fat but never does anything about it. Of course this bothers me too since I always want to look hot for him.

Anyway, I seem to be rambling, but I am very upset tonight, we had like three fights already...nice way to start a weekend. Does it sound like we are in trouble or have other people gone through these phases in marriage?

I knew the first year would be hard in a sense, but I also thought it was supposed to be this blissful-having sex all the time so in love you can't keep your hands off each other time.

 
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Old 08-20-2005, 06:49 AM   #2
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Re: How hard is the first year of marriage supposed to be?

You've run smack dab into the differences between "living together" and being married.
Suddenly, there's no "out". It's forever and so are those annoying little habits we used to know we could walk away from.
A couple's already had regular sex so there's no change there and the excitement wore off long ago.
"Marriage" can turn on all those little tapes in our heads from our own parent's marriage.

I think what I'm not clear on is how the things you used to agree on changed overnight. Like kids, money etc.
And, do you have ANY control over the shopping and cooking???
Cook with less of the bad stuff and more of the good stuff for meals. Suggest a nice walk if the evening is nice. My brother & sister-in-law started slow just to get out after supper and now walk at least a mile everyday together.
Encouragement goes a long way with guys.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 01:41 PM   #3
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Re: How hard is the first year of marriage supposed to be?

Hi Ruth -

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I do all of the shopping and cooking and I am all about healthy for the most part. I do always try to convince him to head to the gym or play tennis or walk the dogs with me, but he just won't and of course I can't make him. I guess I just need to keep looking for activities he will want to do. he is actually a very athletic person, so i believe the key is finding the right activity. Most of the sex issue is my problem anyway - my sex rive is nil. Is this normal for someone my age? 26? I know sex drives ebb and flow for women but wasn't sure if at my age I should be peaking or a cold fish like I am

I guess our opinions on things didn't "change" but we weren't communicating the other night. The biggest thing is that I always told him that when we choose to have kids I would like to be a stay at home mom or at least work from home part time until the kids are at an age they can take care of themselves. Until that is an option for me, I do not want to have kids. He knew that - that is what we got in an argument about, now he seems to be going back on that agreement. i think he is concerned that he will never get to the point of being able to support me and a child, mainly because I am the primary breadwinner. therefore, he is afraid we will never have kids, and the implication to me was that I would always have to work at a miserable job I hate to make ends meet. Of course I feel a bit resentful at the implication that I will always have to be the family supporter in a job that drives me to panic disorder AND have all the responsibilities of motherhood to boot.

I guess I was just looking for experiences and encouragement - I feel like we are doing something wrong...I know there isn't a magic formula for every couple, but has anyone else had "newlywed issues?" I just feel like it isn't supposed to be this way for at least another couple years

 
Old 08-22-2005, 04:08 PM   #4
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Re: How hard is the first year of marriage supposed to be?

Hi,

My husband and I lived together for a couple years before we got married. Things didn't change much after the wedding, but that's not a bad thing. Heck, sometimes we forget that we're married at all.

That isn't to say we didn't have our issues. The joint account issue left us scratching our heads and we had some rough times about whether to move out of our current apartment and where to live. So you're definitely not alone when it comes to a rocky start.

But it sounds like you really need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your hubby. You need to tell him about your concerns, but be open minded and listen to his concerns as well. You might even consider couple's therapy if you feel it's needed.

Good luck.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 06:01 PM   #5
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Re: How hard is the first year of marriage supposed to be?

So why is it that you have to be the bread winner? Why can't your hubby be the responsible one if he wants to start a family. Especially since you have a health issue also. That is an awful lot of stress to put on yourself!

As for the shaping up, well only he can make himself do that. Just like if you gain weight after having a baby. Only you can get yourself to lose it and your feelings would be hurt if your hubby let you know he didn't find you attractive because of the extra pounds. Sorry to sound harsh, but weight is a sore subject for couples.

Can your doc change your anxiety meds to one that has a lower risk of sexual side effects? There are so many out there now.

I hope things go better for you both soon!

 
Old 08-23-2005, 08:00 AM   #6
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Re: How hard is the first year of marriage supposed to be?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ibeeshell
So why is it that you have to be the bread winner? Why can't your hubby be the responsible one if he wants to start a family. Especially since you have a health issue also. That is an awful lot of stress to put on yourself!

As for the shaping up, well only he can make himself do that. Just like if you <a style='text-decoration: none; border-bottom: 3px double;' href="http://www.serverlogic3.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=22&k=gain%20weight" onmouseover="window.status='gain weight'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">gain weight</a> after having a baby. Only you can get yourself to lose it and your feelings would be hurt if your hubby let you know he didn't find you attractive because of the extra pounds. Sorry to sound harsh, but weight is a sore subject for couples.

Can your doc change your anxiety meds to one that has a lower risk of sexual side effects? There are so many out there now.

I hope things go better for you both soon!
EXACTLY!!! I think he wants to be the breadwinner but has suffered a bit of ego bruising since i make more and has lost a bit of confidence that he can do it.

I know weight is a sensitive issue, and I DO still find him attractive, but of course I wold prefer if he would take better care of himself. I know he would still love me if I gained weight but I would want to stay fit just to feel good about myself, you know?

I'm not taking any anti-depressant meds, i just take Xanax right now which isn't supposed to have sexual side effects. I'm wondering if the sex drive loss is just from the anxiety itself, i don't know - or maybe its just a hormonal age thing, who knows, I am at a loss.

 
Old 08-23-2005, 08:23 AM   #7
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Re: How hard is the first year of marriage supposed to be?

Any of the SSRI type of antidepressants will make you lose your sex drives. Believe me, I know, because I have tried them all. The only one that works without side effects and actually increases your sex drive is Wellbutrin. They have a new one that you take just once a day called "Wellbutrin XL". Also, Xanax is very, very addicting, so please be careful with anything like that, because you could get severely addicted.

I haven't been able to sleep lately, so my doc prescribed Trazodone, which is an antidepressant used for sleeping. You sleep really well and get the REM sleep you need and it's not addicting. It also doesn't lower your drives.

First take care of yourself and don't take any of the SSRI's. They definitely make you lose your sex drives.

As far as your husband not working and getting fat, I would just keep trying to communicate with him about it as much as possible, without being too pushy. Especially, don't nag! That will just make the situation worse and your husband won't want to get a job and lose weight if you continue to nag.

Also, who usually initiates sex, him or you? You need to get your sex life back into gear, so you both will feel close to one another again. Good luck!

Last edited by greeneyes100; 08-23-2005 at 08:24 AM.

 
Old 08-23-2005, 11:00 AM   #8
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Re: How hard is the first year of marriage supposed to be?

Greeneyes -

He does have a job, I just make more money than he does right now. I do not take any SSRIs, but I didn't think Xanax would cause me sex drive issues. I already know all of the potential addiction problems with Xanax, i have been taking it for two years as needed at a .5 mg dose. It has been my godsend - i could not function without it. I have tried antidepressants in the past but it doesn't help. I just have situational panic, and do not find it necessary to take an anti-depressant every day for my situation.

Anyway, back to the original topic - who initiates sex, that's an interesting question - usually we both "plan" it, so i guess it is a mutual initiation. I know I totally need to get my sex life in gear but its easier said than done when you have no desire!

 
Old 08-23-2005, 12:18 PM   #9
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Re: How hard is the first year of marriage supposed to be?

Your sex drives should be back to normal if you went off the SSRI'S. So, I don't understand your having no desire. When did you lose your desire? Just curious.

 
Old 08-23-2005, 12:27 PM   #10
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Re: How hard is the first year of marriage supposed to be?

Um, she has said a number of times that she is not on any SSRI's. She also stated that the reason she's lost interest in him is because of his weight issues. Plus I assume all the stress she's under isn't helping her libido.

 
Old 08-23-2005, 01:10 PM   #11
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Re: How hard is the first year of marriage supposed to be?

I seem to have "lost" it when we moved in together a little more than two years ago. At that time i was going through a very bad bout of anxiety and also nervous about buying a house, having a new job, etc, so i just attributed it to that stress, but it never came back. After a while I thought it was because the "sneakiness" of sex was gone (we both lived with our parents before moving in together), but that doesn't make sense to still be going on more than two years later.

Geek kittie, you are right, I have been under a lot of stress for quite a while, simply because I do not handle normal events the way most people do - one of the joys of having panic and anxiety problems. This contributes to me not feeling well a lot and feeling tired quite often, so I'm sure that is a major factor. But I wonder if I might have a hormone imbalance or something. I have a dr. appt next month and I intend to ask her about it then. Seems like this is normal for women in their 40's or women with young children, but not for a newlywed in her 20s with no kids.

Greeneyes, the original issue was that I thought part of my sex drive problem was my husband not taking good care of himself and putting on a lot of extra weight. While I do believe the anxiety has a lot to do with it, I think the weight plays a big role too, as shallow as it sounds.

 
Old 08-23-2005, 01:32 PM   #12
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Re: How hard is the first year of marriage supposed to be?

Hey,

From what you describe it sounds as though you're husband is depressed and might need some help. His weight gain, his change in attitude and in previous plans seem to indicate that he has some issues that need addressing. You mentioned that he might have a bruised ego because you're the breadwinner in the relationship, maybe this is part of the reason he has let himself go. Maybe he feels confused about his future and isn't sure about the direction he is going in his life or his career.

Aside from the fact that you're experiencing stress and anxiety. (i relate to how much these drain you.) Do you think that part of the problem might have to do with his behavior? Generally speaking, confidence in a man is attractive. Right now you're husband is not expressing confidence in himself. He's let himself go, he doesn't take care of himself, he doesn't seem to care about his future and he seems to have lost his self-respect. Perhaps this is part of the reason why you have not been sexually attracted to him?

Also, are you doing anything for your anxiety aside from the xanax? Are you taking therapy or using anxiety workbooks to help you deal with your panic?

 
Old 08-23-2005, 01:45 PM   #13
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Re: How hard is the first year of marriage supposed to be?

I think you are right...he is either depressed or stressed, and I think someone like a life coach might be good for him...me too actually, I have been thinking about that for a while. Yes, i do think part of my problem is definitely that. One of the things I find sexiest about men is the feeling that they can "take care of us" in a sense. Since I feel like the man of the house most times, that turns me off, You are def. right about that. Maybe that is why it started when we moved in together - because it was my house and he didn't even have a job at the time, i have always been the more responsible one. I just want to be taken care of for once!!!

I have tried lots of different things for my anxiety in the past including seeing a therapist, but it amounted to a bunch of crap. I have been thinking about trying to find another therapist though. In all honesty, I don't think my problems are ever going to go away unless I can "take a break" if you will. It is working full time in a corporate environment that stresses me out the most, I am just not doing what suits my personality. If I could find a job that I find relaxing and enjoyable, or if I could work part time or even not work at all and take a break for a while, i think that would help me sort out my issues A LOT.

 
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