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Old 08-20-2005, 10:39 AM   #1
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shiznit HB User
I feel so lied to

I've been in a relationship with someone I've spoken to since I was about 10. I am nearly 22 now. We have been in an exclusive long distance relationship, preparing for our wedding and for me to move to England to live with him. He is the same age as me. We travel to see each other for several weeks at a time every couple of months or so, and everything was absolutely wonderful. We call each other every night, etc etc. His family loves me, and his friends like me, and everything is great on my end too.

Last year I went from being broke to suddenly wealthy due to the death of an immediate relative. As a result of this, I asked him, "When we marry, would you sign a prenup?"

All was fine and dandy, and he agreed to do so: "Oh of course, I just want to be with you, I'll sign anything, this isn't important to me." His parents have even insisted that he sign my prenup, my parents, and my friends even insist. I do not feel comfy marrying anyone, no matter how much I love them, without having protection of my assets. Even if he's not looking for it, I know for a fact there are women out there who sniff out men who have wives who have money and convince them to leave for this magically "better" life.

I called the lawyer yesterday, paid the $1000something to have all the legal paperwork done, and the lawyer informed me, "Okay, it's time to send the paperwork over to him. He will need a lawyer in his presence on his end [which I agreed to pay for] since he is across the ocean, so it doesn't look like he was coerced into signing or ignorant as to what he is signing."

I called him last night, and told him I had the prenup ready. He turned into such a monster on me, saying "I didn't trust him," and "I'm so insulted you think I would steal anything from you," and "Preparing for our divorce already? We're not even married yet! I guess we won't be marrying since you have such doubts about me."

It eventually ended up with him saying "You're just protecting yourself, you don't care about me, I don't think I want to marry you. You think you're so much better than me because you got an inheritance and I'm in debt because I don't make much money."

I am absolutely hysterical with grief. My parents just look at me and shake their heads in disgust.

Then, he kept switching his story, saying "Sure, of course I'll sign anything you put in front of me."

I have no idea what to think anymore. I feel like I don't know whether I can trust him anymore. It's like he was calling my bluff, thinking if he was being so easygoing, I wouldn't want to have a prenup made. Or am I reading too much into this?

How do you ease someone's discomfort about signing a prenup? Because I will NOT marry anyone without it. You are your only best friend. Unfortunately, I also thought he was my best friend too....I'm heartbroken.

 
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Old 08-20-2005, 10:54 AM   #2
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Re: I feel so lied to

If I had to guess, he probably wishes you never came into money. I can understand how it would kill someone who loves you to have a trust issue like that put on the table... at the same time, he doesn't want to be in the position of seeming like he'd be after the money, which I'm sure he isn't.

So he wavers back and forth between hurt and trying to seem understanding. I'm sorry you're going through this. As a guy who's been in love, nothing hurts more than a sign of distrust on the part of your lover, even if in this case it's totally reasonable. I wouldn't feel he's a liar, just someone who's having trouble figuring out how to handle this and keep his hurt feelings hidden.

 
Old 08-20-2005, 11:02 AM   #3
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Re: I feel so lied to

Thanks! That's what I was thinking too.

There ARE issues here though re: the funds.

He's always saying stuff like "You don't deserve to be with me, you deserve better, someone who can provide for you in the way you want."

I am very generous with him and I don't rub it in his face whatsoever. I am very humble when giving people gifts. I just let them say "thank you" and just brush it off. I don't obsess about it and make a big deal out of it.

He was ogling a $600 professional toolset for weeks and as a surprise, I bought it for his birthday and had it sent to him.

He didn't say "thank you" at first. He goes "Why did you do this? You know I can't afford to buy you things like this." I was really taken aback and felt horrible and guilty.

I KEEP TELLING HIM I DON'T CARE!!!!! He has no idea how much I love him...I don't care about what he buys me...I really DON'T! I am very used to taking care of myself, money or no money!

 
Old 08-20-2005, 11:04 AM   #4
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Hangin in There HB User
Re: I feel so lied to

I agree with lostsoul.

I wouldn't call him a liar. He is taking exception to this pre-nup because he is offended. He probably did think you would change your mind if he appeared to go along with it. I can understand how both of you feel. If I had a fiance who asked me to sign one, I would be offended too. On the other hand, if I were the one with all the dough, I wouldn't want an ex getting their hands on it either.

Sticky situation.

 
Old 08-20-2005, 11:15 AM   #5
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Re: I feel so lied to

What I've also tried telling him is plenty of people get them for lots of reasons. Sometimes it's just to make sure no one ends up absorbing someone else's debts, or even just to make sure that agreements are held up, such as the religious orientation of the children produced in the marriage. There are MANY different types of prenups!

My lawyer even said "There's no accusations involved in this, it's just an agreement that establishes what both of you came into the relationship with, nothing more. We are not making any judgements on how you will proceed during a divorce or separation. This is just a legal document stating what was yours before you married him."

My dad just said "I can see why he's offended, but people suck sometimes. You have to come first in this. I can say nothing more."

 
Old 08-20-2005, 11:27 AM   #6
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Re: I feel so lied to

This really is sad, BUT..........

No matter how many fits he throws, he needs to sign. That would be the right thing to do! I am sure he will see this in due time.

If you just patiently wait it out, he will see that you are serious. Just understand that he is reacting to stress maybe and not to you personally.

The bottom line is you really do have to protect yourself.

 
Old 08-20-2005, 11:29 AM   #7
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Re: I feel so lied to

Quote:
Originally Posted by ibeeshell

If you just patiently wait it out, he will see that you are serious. Just understand that he is reacting to stress maybe and not to you personally.

The bottom line is you really do have to protect yourself.
My friend suggested he might be very upset due to the fact I only came back from seeing him last week and he's acting out. I also know he's been having a rough time at his job lately, doing the work for 3 people.

I just feel bad because I'm not trying to make myself out like a martyr, but I am always putting him first with things before myself, and the one time I need for him to be an adult about this and just do something to protect me from a situation that I NEVER want to happen, he flips out. He's wonderful to me in that he nurses me when I'm sick and injured, is very emotionally attentive in my times of need, but right now, I just really need him to get this over with.

Last edited by shiznit; 08-20-2005 at 11:32 AM.

 
Old 08-20-2005, 11:48 AM   #8
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ibeeshell HB User
Re: I feel so lied to

Do you think he's flipping out just to see if you will marry him without a prenup? Maybe scare you into making a decision?

 
Old 08-20-2005, 11:58 AM   #9
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shiznit HB User
Re: I feel so lied to

Not sure, because he's been upset on and off for a while (just as I have been too, due to the random stresses of being away from each other)

 
Old 08-20-2005, 11:59 AM   #10
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: I feel so lied to

Itís an unfortunate fact of life. There is nothing wrong with asking for a prenuptial, but the fact that you ask him for one says there is a trust issue to begin withÖ and there is nothing wrong with that either. That being the case, it makes me wonder why you would even consider going through with the marriage at this point if that is what you decide. You have your reasons, but you got the answer you were looking for from himÖ or the answer you werenít looking for from him depending on how you want to look at it.


Whatever you do at this point about the prenup, it should involve and remain between you and him. I donít think you should involve anyone else, but that is up to you. You seem to have things under control about how to protect your assets. I donít have any rich relatives myself. They are all poor or in jail, so I wonít have that problem.

I donít know how one would ease someoneís discomfort in that situation. His response to your request for a prenup seems pretty harsh and it says a lot about him. It seems like his response now is an attempt to play with your emotions to get you to take back the prenup, considering that initially he didnít have a problem with it.

When it comes to fast money, everyone reacts differently. It changes people and not always for the better in the majority of the cases. At least that is what I have observed, but the fact is that it is now your money and you have a right to protect what is yours.

If I was in that situation, I wouldnít sign it. I would suggest to just keep the relationship going as it is and see what happens down the road. You are only 22 with money to spend. You are too young to get married. Spend your money wisely.


HOOP!

Last edited by Hoop; 08-20-2005 at 12:00 PM.

 
Old 08-20-2005, 12:25 PM   #11
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Re: I feel so lied to

Trust issue or no trust issue, you are both only 22 and should you marry, you have a long road ahead of you. While nobody plans for anything bad to happen to their marriage, the reality is that people sometimes change, grow apart, have affairs, etc. Women and children especially are vulnerable to be left financially stranded if a marriage ends. That's why in many traditional countries the man wanting to marry a woman has to give her expensive gifts in gold, as well as a substantial amount of money to her parents. It's all an "insurance" of sorts in case of a divorce. So, I think it's only fair of you to want to make sure that whatever inheritance money you're bringing into the marriage is protected. Tell him it's an insurance of sorts not only for you, but for your potential future children. Or tell him the money will go into your future children's educational funds. Perhaps that will be easier for him to accept. I used to think that I would be offended if someone asked me to sign a prenup, but now I don't think I would have any problems with it. I would sign it, as long as it wasn't something unfair to me or future children, then I think it's a reasonable request.

Last edited by SophiaM; 08-20-2005 at 12:27 PM.

 
Old 08-20-2005, 12:27 PM   #12
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Re: I feel so lied to

Firstly there are countless couples who have a legally signed prenuptual agreements before they get married, so what you are asking of him is nothing new, but something generally accepted by modern day society, as it is a very sensible thing to do. Therefore, as such you are not isolating him as a person who cannot be trusted.

Rather than looking at this situation as a case of no trust, look on it as your first major problem that you are both having to deal with, where both partners should be able to discuss this in a reasonable, logical and adult manner. It is purely a business agreement where personal emotions should not come into it. If you set up a business together, you would both have to sign a legal business agreement, so in that sense what you are asking of him now is not much different. If he had come into a large unexpected inheritance and asked you to sign a prenuptual agreement you would have signed it without hesitation because you genuinely love him. Although, if he was reading this now he would probably say that he would not get you to sign one, as he trusts you etc., and the reply to that would be you would rather he did get you to sign one, as then the queston of the inheritance will not arise again and/or come between you in the future. It then has been officially dealt with and you can both put it out of your minds and begin your lives together on an equal footing. Equal footing in the sense that you have the peace of mind knowing that he knows that you did not marry him for his inheritance money.

He may also be feeling disempowered, as you have a large inheritance which gives you the freedom of choice regarding spending money, whereas he is poor and does not have that same choice. Therefore, any money that he earns when you both get married to support you both in contrast may seem paltry to him, making him look small and insignificant, knowing all the time that you have this large inheritance. In this sense it is not really about the money in real monetary terms, but more about the contrast of money and/or wealth between you both. This is very similar to where in a marriage, where there may not have even been a prenuptual signed agreement, but where the wife earns considerably more money than her husband. There are many men who resent their wives earning more money than themselves, as again they feel disempowered in the marital relationship because of that fact. Yet in contrast there are many marriages where the wife prefers to go out to work, whilst the husband prefers to stay at home and take care of the children, role reversal to a certain degree, so therefore, in this example the men do not feel disempowered etc...

In life we may have known a relative and/or close friend for many years; thinking that we really know them and that nothing could ever split that close tender caring relationship. Until suddenly a major problem arises, and that problem may not necessarily be about money, and it causes a huge disagreement, where you suddenly become both surprised and shocked to see that relative and/or close friend in a different light, and/or in their true colours.

Is there not another way around this where may be you could place this inheritance money in a trust fund before you get married, where certain written stipulations are written into that trust agreement regarding legal access to that trust fund. Failing that, there must be another alternative to signing a prenuptual agreement where you will know that you will not lose your inheritance money.

No one can look into a crystal ball and see what the future holds, so in that sense I would definetly say stand your ground: no signed prenuptual marriage agreement then no marriage.

Last edited by Babi; 08-20-2005 at 12:47 PM.

 
Old 08-20-2005, 02:20 PM   #13
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Re: I feel so lied to

Well, you certainly can't get rid of your money in order to make him happy! But Babi does make some good points about him maybe feeling insecure about it.

Does he make a good living? Just curious, but were you planning on the marriage before the inheritance anyway? If so, then you would have lived ok on your salary and his? Who is moving, you or him?

 
Old 08-20-2005, 02:41 PM   #14
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Re: I feel so lied to

If you don't protect yourself, nobody else will do it for you. There is no knight in shinning armour, riding in to protect your assets. I suspect there never was. There were just men with power and women without power. How men used that power depended on their values and morals. But today, you have power, .. be it money or smarts or down right determination. You can't live your life denying your abilities and strengths, your power, to keep a man. Men, in spite of what we women believe, can adjust to the changing roles and power of women. Especially a woman he may love.

 
Old 08-20-2005, 04:46 PM   #15
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Re: I feel so lied to

I called him today, and he apologized to me. He said he understands my concerns, and will sign everything, and said he was sorry for being horrible to me. He said he's been tired and stressed and shouldn't have taken it out on me.

He's on a fixed military salary. Since he's only been in 2 yrs, he's not going to be on a better salary until next year, but it's a massive improvement of about $10000 extra a year in US money. Money or no money, he's been aware that I will make more than him salary-wise a year anyhow, because of what my college degree is specialized in. My whole life, he's been very proud of my accomplishments and holds me up on a pedestal to people. ("She's so smart, pretty, etc")

We were planning on marrying for a long time, but he didn't propose to me until a year and a half after my inheritance.

I am moving there.

I have always had a very generous personality with people, no matter what. I do not buy him expensive gifts to "shame" him or anything into buying me expensive gifts, but now I'm questioning if I should start downgrading the presents I get him to stop instilling this sense of "superiority" he seems to be feeling I'm inflicting on him.

Do you think it's worth talking about it? Because the comment he made last night really bothered me in terms of that. I was actually really offended because I never looked at giving him surprise gifts or holiday gifts in terms of that.

 
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