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Old 08-21-2005, 09:10 AM   #1
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captaincrash4 HB User
3 year relationship broken up please help me!!

Hi everyone,

I have just broken up with my partner. We are both 21 and we have a child (he isnt mine biologically but i'm his dad) and we just broke up on last thursday.

We had been going through a rough patch in the last few weeks because she had just started work after being in college for the last 2 years. It hadnt been bad we had just had a few arguments over what was going on in our relationship. I went to visit her at her work on thrursday but when she phoned me she told me not to (I was on my way at the time she called). A few calls later she told me she couldnt do this anymore and told me it was over.

I met her from work anyway and we talked on the bus and back at home. She told me she wasnt in love with me anymore but didnt know why??i asked her for how long and she said 4 weeks (around the time she started working). I didnt want the break up but I cant make her love me like that. She told me she still loves me but she isnt in love with me now. She also said it has nothing to do with anything I have done and she was really happy with me but in the last 4 weeks she has felt like this.

I was at a total loss because I didnt see this coming and i thought it was just gonna be a small argument. we are still on very good terms and she still wants me to be the father (which i still want). I want to get back together with her but I dont think it will happen (well anytime soon if there is a chance). I dont know what to do as I have given 3 good years of my life to her and I love her to bits!!!

It has hit me pretty hard as I have nt eaten for 4 days now and I just cant face food. we spent the weekend as a family and she told me she wants some time to do things on her own as she has never done that since she had our son. She says she doesnt want any other guys and I have asked her to think about giving our relationship one last chance and she said that will be the first relationship thing she does.

I have had our son over the weekend and it is killing me each time I think about her.i'm ok when i'm around her and i feel we can be friends (and i want to be if i cant be with her) but its when I start thinking about things i just cant face not being with her!! I want to call her and talk but i dont want to push her away and thats the last thing i want, I just dont know what to do!!
We have arranged for me to look after our son for 2 nights a week and I can spend the weekend up there and stay over (not staying over every weekend untill after some time has passed.

I am staying over at her house (i'm living back at my parents) on saturday cause she had a night out planned and I dont know how I will cope. She isnt going out looking for a guy (she has a problem with sex too) she wants to have some fun. I asked her not to kiss any guys (i told her if she found someone she really wanted tho to do it as I want her happieness) and she said she doenst want a guy anytime soon.

i'm basically looking for some advice to try and get her back (if you think thats right??), how to deal with losing her, how to deal with being a father and what to do about my eating problem!!

i do want her and I want us to be a family but I just dont know what to do!!!

i hope someone can help!!!

Alan

 
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Old 08-21-2005, 09:40 AM   #2
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shiznit HB User
Re: 3 year relationship broken up please help me!!

If she's 21 and has had a child with someone else, and the baby was in the relationship as of 3 yrs ago when you got together, I'm presuming she's been a mother since she was about 17, 18? Well, no matter what age it is, because I don't want to pry, that's very very rough emotionally on a young woman. I know girls who even at the age of 19, or 20, or 21, feel kind of bad about being a mommy when everyone else their age is out partying and doing stuff. Could it be it's just upsetting her that she's taking on a lot of responsibility at a young age, and she is stressed out? Because the stuff she's saying sounds like she just needs to find herself alone for a bit. I've had girls my age say to me "I just wish my mom could take the baby this week, I really just want to go out clubbing with my girls" and stuff like that.

Do you think maybe it would be worth talking out with her if there's some sort of maternal stress that could be affecting the relationship?

Also, the timing is rather peculiar -- she begins a job, and this is when she stops "loving" you? You might want to question if there is possibly someone at that job? Or, maybe there's some sort of working conditions that aren't conducive to your relationship? I also find it's not that easy just to flip a switch and say "Hi, I don't love Alan anymore, oh well, 3 yrs down the toilet."

To be honest, she sounds a bit depressed and "mommy'd out" to me. That's just what I think.

But I think there may be a chance you guys can work through it.

 
Old 08-21-2005, 10:58 AM   #3
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dsleik HB User
Re: 3 year relationship broken up please help me!!

first of all props to you for being a stand up guy!!! you must be an amazing guy if your being a "daddy" to her son..especially at 21. wow... therse not alot like you out there.. so good for you. sounds to me like her career is extremely important to her and that she wants to concentrate on that right now especially if its new. sad to say... i also feel like she is taking advantage of you in some ways.. as knowing you will always be there for her son even if you are not together. when somoeone tells their partner that they just "arent in love" then that person who was told, should just break from the relationship for a few days. in your case this is a long relationship w a major responsibility involved and i think that if you stayed away from her for a few weeks or so w/out even talking that she will realize what she is missing out on really soon. trust me... i was w my bf for 5 yrs and we were at different colleges and i couldnt handle the long distance any more so i broke up w him for someone else... w knowing that if i ever wanted to try again... he would cuz he had told me that through tears all the time. i told him i never wanted to get back together and that i wanted to be w the other guy and just be his friend not gf anymore. well it took me about 3 months to realize what i was missing out on and tried to get him back but slowly we tried and he just didint trust me that i wouldnt leave again. so now we've both moved on and im w the other guy i left him for after all. my point is from experiience..... if you keep trying to get her back then she is gonna push you away even more...( like i did) once you stop then shes gonna realize everything she is missing out on.. and that you truly love her and want to be there for her and her son.. and then she will regret breaking up with you.... you know she wants you to still be around for her son's sake and she can string you along that way, and i know this will be hard for you but tell her you cant take her son every time she asks other wise she knows she doesnt have to be with you in order for you to be in her sons life.. " she wants her cake and to eat it too" if you know what i mean.. .she wants the best of both worlds to be free but yet know you wont go anywhere. i thinkl right now with being a young mom and finishing college that she wants time to focus on her career and have fun. i do think you guys will get back together but you need to give it time and not suck up to her or give in to everything she wants cuz the shes has the control. let her know you want to be there for your son but you wont sit around forever and wait for her tyo come back. as far as your eating problem... dont let her control your life like that. can you hang out w your friends or family to keep yourself occupied and not thinking of her constantly? i think she needs time for herself.. after all becoming a mom at a yougn age, having a longterm relationship, and starting a new job im sure is stressful. well sorry for the long post, i hope my experience w this helps ya a little! im the same age as you so i know you can doubt a longterm relationship sometimes, but i know how you must feel to but i think you guys can work this out and if not,, then you deserve better and im sure it wont take long being the person you seem to be!!!! good luck w this and keep me posted! xoxoxo

 
Old 08-21-2005, 11:18 AM   #4
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eaglesgirl37 HB User
Re: 3 year relationship broken up please help me!!

I have been through a very similar breakup of a three year relationship not too long ago, and I really feel for you. I know how much it hurts and how it's absolutely devestating and impossible to imagine going on without the other person. My ex had been by my side every day and night since we met and was my best friend in the world...I guess I could see things declining but I was still taken aback and just completely crushed when he left. All I can say is to take good care of yourself, take time to mourn, don't try to push it all aside and go on like nothing's wrong, because you will have to face and deal with the sadness eventually. I know the other posters mean well, but I think it would be a huge mistake to hold out any hope of getting back together. I decided that even if my ex wanted me back, there was no way I'd give him another chance to hurt me, and I don't know if I could have ever loved him the same after what he did anyway...I know it's different with a kid, but accepting that it was over permanently was the absolute best, healthiest choice that I made in the aftermath of the breakup. It's the only way to have a chance of moving on and facing life without someone you loved so much...people who believe there is still a chance for reconciliation after a breakup run the very real risk of never getting over it or being happy again, as we have seen happen here to far too many wonderful people. I would hate to see you spend your future pining after someone who has left you and isn't looking back...so I can't urge you strongly enough to accept that it is over for good. If she does end up changing her mind, then it will be a pleasant surprise rather than a crushing, never-ending disappointment if you hold out hope and she fails to come back to you. And even if she did want you back, I'm not sure you'd be making a good choice to go back to a woman who could just decide one day she no longer loved you and leave. You deserve someone who loves you wholeheartedly, consistently, and unconditionally. I really think it would be a huge mistake to believe she might come back...that's one of the most important lessons I learned from my recent similar experience. Again, I am so sorry that you're going through such a terrible ordeal, and I hope that you start to feel better in time. I suggest getting rid of as many things that remind you of her as possible and trying to keep your mind occupied...it's almost 6 months later for me, and while I am still sad at times, the grief has definitely lessened over time, and I've even had a relationship and lots of great dates in the interim. All I can say is good luck, hang in there, and focus on the future rather than allowing yourself to dwell on the past.

 
Old 08-21-2005, 11:21 AM   #5
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captaincrash4 HB User
Re: 3 year relationship broken up please help me!!

hi thanks for the reply. She isnt one for clubing and stuff but she does want to have some fun and I think about her being all mummy'd out could be right in some way. I want to spend time with the little one but I do see your point but tomorrow i have to take him back and it will kill me to do that.

I hope she see's sense and a friend who i cut ties with told me if she doesnt give herself a chance to love you she is a fool cause i've gave her 110% and i know she loves me still but i'm not sure if it will be in that way.

I want it to work out cause it was a great time we had its just been the last month. i hope I can get her back but I realy dont know if I will and if not I dont know what i will do with myself!!

Thanks and please reply with more info and stuff!!


Alan

 
Old 08-21-2005, 11:42 AM   #6
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eaglesgirl37 HB User
Re: 3 year relationship broken up please help me!!

Good luck, but please consider what I said. I am concerned that you might end up even more hurt and disappointed if you have your hopes up and then your efforts to get her back fail...are you sure you want her back after she declared she didn't love you? You are taking a risk with your heart by not accepting her decision...I can understand why you want to try and get her back, but I strongly suggest that you set a time limit after which you promise yourself you will accept that it's over and get on with your life. Otherwise I'm afraid that you could spend an indefinite amount of time hoping for something that might not happen rather than mourning this loss and moving on...this is a trap that many people who don't accept the finality of a breakup can fall into, and I'd hate to see you hurt even more than necessary. Remember that you are still very, very young, and that few people are mature and settled enough to settle down permanently at your age. Everything happens for a reason, and everything will work out for the best in the end, hard as it is to see and believe that now. But please trust me, this belief along with acceptance helped me get through the pain of my breakup more than I can say...I wish you all the best!

 
Old 08-21-2005, 11:44 AM   #7
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captaincrash4 HB User
Re: 3 year relationship broken up please help me!!

hey again

In reply to the person who said accept its over do u think I should still be a father?? I think i could have enough strenth to get over her but it will take a while but i dont think i could give up my son??

i may not be his biological father but i love him as my own and i think I would rather kill myself than choose not to see him!! I dont think i could say that i dont want to be his dad orless he turned round when he was older and said it himself (he is only 3!)!!

I know i'm pretty depressed just now but i really couldnt do that and if she said that to me (which i know she wont as she would never hurt him ) i couldnt cope with that!

sorry to sound so down!!

Please reply!

Alan

 
Old 08-21-2005, 11:56 AM   #8
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eaglesgirl37 HB User
Re: 3 year relationship broken up please help me!!

No, I don't think you should have to give up being a father to her son! Definitely not, he is just an innocent child in all this and unless your GF objects to you seeing him, I think it would be best for both you and him to continue having a close relationship. I don't mean to be pessimistic about your chances of reconciling with your GF, I just think it's better to expect the worst and be happily surprised if you're wrong rather than to have your hopes up and risk being even more hurt and disappointed. But regardless of what happens with your GF, I think it's really admirable of you to be so involved and concerned with your son. There aren't many young men out there who would take that responsibility so seriously, and your son is very fortunate to have you in his life. I wish you all the best of luck with everything...and the wonderful thing about a child is that while other relationships are often temporary, your role as a parent lasts forever .

 
Old 08-21-2005, 12:42 PM   #9
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dsleik HB User
Re: 3 year relationship broken up please help me!!

like i said in my million word post....... she will regret it somewhere down the line. i think you guys will get back together

 
Old 08-22-2005, 07:07 AM   #10
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kingam HB User
Re: 3 year relationship broken up please help me!!

well if i were you, i would plan on NOT getting back together. it only prolongs the pain, and what happens is you start to blame yourself for thinking there was a chance. my advice is distance yourself the best you can. i know you want to try and be a father to this child, but you need to feel better and technically, its not your kid.

you're only going to get better when you get distance. babysitting while she's out will KILL you. i tried to be the good guy and be friends with my ex but its impossible for a while. i was too hurt. decided to cut her off. and it's gotten a little better since.

 
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