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Old 08-21-2005, 10:39 PM   #1
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littleone314 HB User
Should I have gotten so angry?

First off, let me start off by saying I am extremely jealous person. So is my boyfriend. We understand this about each other and have learned to cope with it. However, he really has been hurting my feelings lately!

First of all, my boyfriend and I have known each other for 5 years now. We dated off and on during. We met when I was 15 (I'm 19 almost 20 now) and of course skinnier. I had an eating disorder (that I battle with still to this day) and was on the low end of 95 pounds. I have gone through having a baby and getting up too 200 pounds with my son. As of now I am down to about 123 (but I think I look more like 130 or so). I think that's an incrediable weight loss and I thought I was doing well with my weight and I was handling my E.D. He always tells me how beautiful I am etc. But the other day we were sitting down and I made some comment about getting fat and he shakes his head and says "if you think that then why don't you do something about it". That took me back a bit because I felt like he was agreeing with me. Then that next day we were watching the news and a story about an anorexic came on. He mentioned how disgusting she looked and asked me "if I have ever gotten that skinny". I thought that was kind of weird so I ignored him. Then he asked me how much I weighed when we first dated (back when I was 15 and about 95 pounds) and I shook my head and said I don't remember. He said, "because you still have some baby fat on you" then he paused a second and said "that I never want you to loose". That took me back and floored me. I had to go to the bathroom because I started crying. I don't know why that hurt me so bad but it did.

He has been asking for some pictures of me and I just got some developed with a friend of mine. She is absolutly gorgeous let me say. Typical skinny, small blonde hair girl. She is definitely perfect.

He has met her once before. He has a brother that we hang out with a lot that is looking for a girlfriend. Her name has been brought up a lot lately among us and he is interested in meeting her.

Anyways...there was one picture that I thought was good of me (my friend is in it too) so I brought it to him. Now in defense of him, he has never intentionally said anything to hurt my feelings and never intentionally tried to make me jealous (that I know of) but he looks at this picture and says "oh yeah...he'll definitely want to meet her now". I said, "excuse me" and he goes "well she's cute... my brother asked me what she looked like and I told her that she was cute". I just stood and looked at him a minute and he says "well shes not near as cute/beautiful as you".

I don't know why that bothered me so much but it kinda stung. Like I said, I am a terribly jealous person. I can handle him commenting here and there about celebs or what-not but not my friend. I just think that a boyfriend/husband or wife/girlfriend should NEVER comment about your friends. I feel like it's a boundary you cross you know. Now, I am scared to death to bring him around her.

We talked about it for a long time and he said that I was blowing it out of proportion and that there are millions or cute/attractive girls out there but that doesn't mean he wants anything from them and that he only loves me! He said in defense of hisself that when we are out in public he makes it a point NOT to look at other girls because he wouldn't want to make me think he was looking else where. We were by his car and he reached in and grabbed the picture and asked if I had scissors because he was going to cut her out of the picture if it would make me feel better. He apologized about saying what he did about her and by the end of the night he was telling me how sexy and beautiful I was and how lucky he was to have me. I know he was trying to fix things but I just didn't know how to feel. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of him thinking about HER like that.

Did I maybe blow it out of proportion or do I have a point??? I just didn't need to hear that on top of the whole weight thing going on ya know.?

Last edited by littleone314; 08-21-2005 at 10:54 PM.

 
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Old 08-21-2005, 10:54 PM   #2
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shiznit HB User
Re: Should I have gotten so angry?

I don't get offended by my fiance saying another woman is pretty, just as he doesn't get offended by me saying a friend of his is handsome. My mother will tell my dad his friend is a "nice looking guy" or my father will say "I think she's pretty." It's just a matter of leaving it at that. If it becomes an obsession, or brought up frequently, it's possibly something they're focusing on a bit too frequently, and becomes a problem.

However, I think it is HIGHLY insensitive, considering you have had an eating disorder, for him to call you fat. I doubt highly that you are fat. How do you react when he says stuff like that to you?

On the other hand, if you're thinking he's going to cheat, remember that it takes two to cheat. Do you think your friend would go after your boyfriend, if she's only met him once of all things?

 
Old 08-21-2005, 10:59 PM   #3
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littleone314 HB User
Re: Should I have gotten so angry?

He doesn't know about my eating disorder yet. I think he thought that I was just really skinny back then.

He has sworn up and down that our relationship is everything he has ever wanted and that he wouldn't cheat on me. He said he has never cheated on a girlfriend and doesn't plan on starting. However, I am well aware of how people can promise you the moon. I don't think she would ever do that to me. She is engaged anyways. I am almost positive she isn't physcially attracted to him...as we have talked about it before.

 
Old 08-21-2005, 11:13 PM   #4
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mada_3083 HB User
Re: Should I have gotten so angry?

get help... you have self confidence issues... don't pin them on him... from the story you've told, he hasn't done anything really out of the ordinary. his quip about your baby fat was probably an attempt to make you feel good about yourself (which obviously backfired). i.e. he said "that he never wanted you to lose"...

also why did you lie about your weight when you were younger when he asked about it?

he's being honest to you. he told you honestly his opinion of how your friend looks to him... be greatful that he has the confidence in your relationship to be that honest. i know it took me ages to be able to comment on other women to my SO, for fear of the reaction you gave. he's right... there are millions of beautiful, attractive people in the world... doesn't mean he wants to go be intimate with all of them. to me this smells like it's been blown out of proportion

 
Old 08-22-2005, 01:17 AM   #5
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soulster HB User
Re: Should I have gotten so angry?

I agree, you have really got some self confidence issues along with a bit of a possesive streak... both of which are really very destructive in a relationship and yes, you are blowing this whole thing out of proportion. My husband will tell me if he thinks a friend of mine, wether he sees her in person or in a picture is pretty.. ..and if she is extremely gorgeous he will tell me... so what! what is the big deal? Dont get me wrong, its not the most pleasant thing in the world to hear, I mean who wants to be told there are prettier people out there other than our own gorgeous selves - but it is a part of life and the socialization process and asthetics of any kind is something we as humans are drawn towards and so to make a comment or appecitate someone's beauty should not be a reflection of that persons feelings for you or the depth of your own beauty, but rather a genuine apprection for something that is sort of second nature to us. Its one thing if he goes on and on about her on a regular basis but if he just comments on how attractive she is, you shouldnt feel the impulse to get jeoulous and blame it on him... what he is doing is normal.. and your reactions to his actions are not normal. Try to get your jeolousy and insecurity under controll by working on liking yourself more or it very well may jeopardize what is otherwise a happy relationship.

Last edited by soulster; 08-22-2005 at 01:22 AM.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 10:07 AM   #6
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Re: Should I have gotten so angry?

Littleone,
Yep - You blew this up bigger than it needed to be. It sounds as though you have some deep security issues that YOU need to work on and maybe get some help.
If I were you, I would try and get a hold of these issues now before they ruin what sounds like a wonderful relationship with your boyfriend.
Insecurity and jealousy (in my opinion anyway) are the two biggest turn offs. Though I am married now, I would never have dated a man with those issues.
Work on helping yourself and it will in turn be good for your relationship.

 
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