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Old 08-21-2005, 10:06 PM   #1
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mada_3083 HB User
Advice for a friend

i'm posting on behalf of a close female friend (zoe for those that remember my input on a thread about male and female platonic friendships)

we were chatting the other day, and she got quite upset because she feels she's being self destructive... she'll go out to clubs and bars, go home with random guys and sleep with them... even when she's pining for someone else.

she asked me what i thought the underlying reason for this might be, i.e. attention seeking. she wants to identify it so that she can stop it happening. so i put it to you, cyber relationship experts .

 
Old 08-21-2005, 10:15 PM   #2
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shiznit HB User
Re: Advice for a friend

I'm not trying to be funny, but it could be sex addiction...or something stemming from that.

 
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Old 08-21-2005, 11:00 PM   #3
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Re: Advice for a friend

It could be a sex addiction or compulsion, but there could also be other issues going on, or a combination of several problems. It's possible that she is acting out this way to numb emotional pain, to fill a void in her life, or because she has low self esteem and doesn't know any other way to act socially and relate to men. I would advise you to urge her to see a professional therapist to get a grasp on why she is acting this way so she can hopefully get it under control before she takes any more health risks and does any more damage to her self-esteem. It's good that she realizes that this is self-destructive behavior that is making her feel bad about herself, as accepting that is thue most important step in getting back on track. Hopefully with the guidance of a good counselor and the support of her caring family and friends like you , she'll come to terms with this and work on adopting a healthier lifestyle very soon. She's lucky to have your support!

 
Old 08-22-2005, 01:14 AM   #4
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Re: Advice for a friend

sex addiction... don't know about that one... she says she doesn't actually enjoy the sex much at all... and she doesn't seek sex all the time through these encounters... more often than not she goes home with the guy and does nothing...

the self esteme issue.. .emotional numbness... that sounds like a better path.

lately she's been upset about her mum dying. (happened 10 years ago, but she actually has started sharing her feelings about it lately)... could htat be related?

 
Old 08-22-2005, 02:36 AM   #5
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Re: Advice for a friend

Wow, I can't imagine losing my mother...my heart really goes out to your poor friend. I think there is nothing more painful for a young woman, especially if she was close to her mother. That could certainly explain her feeling alienated, lonely, numb, and longing to connect/wanting to feel close to people in any way she can. I can imagine that losing a parent could do quite a number on one's self esteem as well, especially if they haven't been able to face their grief head on and cope with it directly. Mourning and sadness can manifest themselves in a wide variety of ways depending on the individual and his or her unique circumstances...I definitely wouldn't be surprised if lingering grief, guilt, and/or frustration over her mother's death is playing a role in her current behavior, but again, that's something a professional counselor would be best qualified to determine and address. Is she willing to seek therapy on her own? Regardless, it's good that she's started opening up about her feelings lately...but I'm sure she still has a great deal of grief to work through, particularly if she's shut herself off much of the time since then. And because something traumatic from her past may be a factor, I think professional help would be even more helpful in this case.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 05:37 AM   #6
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shiznit HB User
Re: Advice for a friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by mada_3083
sex addiction... don't know about that one... she says she doesn't actually enjoy the sex much at all... and she doesn't seek sex all the time through these encounters... more often than not she goes home with the guy and does nothing...

the self esteme issue.. .emotional numbness... that sounds like a better path.
You'll be surprised about this one. A lot of people who have sex addiction actually DON'T enjoy what they do! I have a friend who was counseled for it. She said she had no idea why the heck she was sleeping with these people half the time! She said she was going through a very low point in her life and felt like she hated herself, and this is how she dealt with it -- sleeping with strangers who meant absolutely nothig to her on a daily basis.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 02:58 PM   #7
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Re: Advice for a friend

Wow, maybe you should tell her that seeing a therapist would be the safer way to deal with her issues. Going home with a guy and then not wanting to have sex, could be very dangerous, if the guy is expecting to have sex. She could end up being assaulted.

I have a question, which I hope will not upset you, but who is she pining after? Could it be you perhaps? I wonder this because she tells you about going home with these men. Could she be trying to spark your jealousy?

And sex addiction isn't always about "enjoying sex". It goes way deeper then that, as all addictions do.

It is good she has a friend.

 
Old 08-23-2005, 06:57 AM   #8
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Re: Advice for a friend

ibeeshell, don't hessitate to ask away.. this girl (through the past few months especially) has grown to be a sister to me. lol, and i'm looking out for her, so if anything you ask can help her, i'll answer,

agreed... she runs a high risk of being assaulted... it's hard to convey that concern to her without sounding like a parent, which is not something either of us wants

she's not pining after me. nor i for her. there have been several occasions that either or both of us have come close to crossing that line.. but we both know that what we have is too important to cross that line, and we have a laugh about it later (usually it's at a point of lonelyness, like after a breakup). she's not sparking my jealousy... she's telling me about this, because we gossip to each other about these aspects of our lives, just the friendship we have. the guy she's pining after sounds like an awesome guy, that she met through a family gathering.

i understand the sex addictions aren't necissarily about the pleasure... but as i said, it's not always (usually) a sexual thing, to me it appears more of an attention thing. to her as well.

 
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