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Old 08-22-2005, 09:53 AM   #1
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Please help me with this break up letter

My previous thread is on Page 2, entitled "Speaking of Dishonesty in Relationships". To refresh your memory, or in case you don't want to read it, my boyfriend waited 10 months to tell me he had an artificial leg. Since then the relationship has gone downhill. I'm composing a letter to him breaking up rather than doing it on the phone because he'll try to make me feel bad or excuse himself. Here goes:

Dear _____,

I regret that I must formally end our boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. It is something I've been struggling with for the past several months and, after giving it much thought, feel it's the right decision for me.

I'm disappointed you were not upfront and honest about your leg from the beginning. I find it incredible that you would keep such an important thing about yourself hidden from me for almost a year! When I noticed something around your knee and asked about it, you nonchalantly told me it was just a brace, which would lead me to believe you merely had a sore knee. You were hiding from yourself, as well as me. I had such high hopes for the two of us. Unfortunately, I didn't fall in love with the real you, but with the man you wanted to be. That was very deceptive on your part.

It seems the physical appearance of your leg bothers you more than it does me. You kept it out of sight, even during intimate situations. You did not allow me the opportunity to get accustomed to your body and show that I was accepting of it. I feel that's because YOU don't accept it. I've never seen you check your appearance in a mirror, as if you don't want to face yourself. It seems like a lack of self love or self worth. I do hope you're getting counseling for this.

You became a different person after you told me the news, not only physically but personality as well. It seemed you felt you could be yourself and stop pretending to be happy. Nearly every time we spoke your leg was brought into the conversation. I understand your need to vent, but it's becoming draining and depressing to me.

At the beginning I looked forward to our future together, along with creating happy memories in the way of trips. There has been nothing to look forward to. Every idea I have is rejected. It's really sad that we don't have happy memories to look back on.

Another big issue is the lack of sex. I am much too young to wonder if and when I'm ever going to have sex with my man. I have been patient, but it's running out.

Even after saying all this, it HAS been a pleasure knowing you. You're a good person and friend. I sincerely hope things improve for you, physically, financially and emotionally. If you so desire, ____ and I would be happy to remain friends with you and see you occasionally.

Please take all the time you need before responding. If I don't hear from you again, I still wish you the best.

-----------------------------

What do you guys think? Could it be worded better?

Thanks for your help.

 
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Old 08-22-2005, 10:08 AM   #2
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Re: Please help me with this break up letter

I don't mean sound harsh, but your letter sounds like you are cancelling your subscription to Sports Iluustrated.
Don't write a letter - Meet with him face to face and do it in person. There's nothing worse than a "Dear John" letter.
Try and put yourself in his shoes. How would you like it if your boyfriend broke up with you in a letter?

 
Old 08-22-2005, 10:15 AM   #3
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Re: Please help me with this break up letter

If I try to tell him in person, he'll make me feel bad, make excuses, "I'm doing the best I can".......I know how he is. This way I can say what I want without interruption or losing my train of thought.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 10:25 AM   #4
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Re: Please help me with this break up letter

I think break ups should be done face to face. Its much more respectful. It doesnt matter if he makes excuses. Just tell him its over , tell him why, and thats pretty much all you need to say

 
Old 08-22-2005, 10:40 AM   #5
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Re: Please help me with this break up letter

Geez,
Banana - What ever happened to 2 weeks notice?

This sounds like a resignation letter you give to your boss with whom you've had a particularly bad relationship with.

Anyway I pretty well summed up my thoughts on letter writing in the other thread - I wouldn't choose this route... This paragraph here is going to hit particularly hard:

Quote:
It seems the physical appearance of your leg bothers you more than it does me. You kept it out of sight, even during intimate situations. You did not allow me the opportunity to get accustomed to your body and show that I was accepting of it. I feel that's because YOU don't accept it. I've never seen you check your appearance in a mirror, as if you don't want to face yourself. It seems like a lack of self love or self worth. I do hope you're getting counseling for this.
If you do go this route (which I wouldn't suggest) I'd word that a in less of a finger pointing, blame laying kind of way...

FS

 
Old 08-22-2005, 10:46 AM   #6
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Re: Please help me with this break up letter

I agree, I would hate to be broken up with in a "dear john" letter, although, I did date someone for a few months who dumped me via email while I was at work. Talk about the lowest of the low I think after a year together, in person is the only way to do it, no matter how hard it might be.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 12:41 PM   #7
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Re: Please help me with this break up letter

I agree with the other posters. Writing a letter is very cold and rude. You owe him an explanation in person, face to face.
Although what he did was wrong I think you need to put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if someone wrote you a letter like that. Blaming him for things is not fair, remember it takes two to tango!

 
Old 08-22-2005, 12:52 PM   #8
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Re: Please help me with this break up letter

OK, I won't send the letter. Now I'll probably stick with him several more weeks, unhappy, because it'll be too hard to do it in person. When he's down I don't want to bring it up....and if he's in a good mood I don't want to ruin it!

I don't understand the comment from the last poster, about "not blaming him, it takes two to tango". I haven't done anything wrong. He's the one who was dishonest with me. I've tried to be accepting and encouraging but, instead of it working, he's bringing me down.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 12:57 PM   #9
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Re: Please help me with this break up letter

Quote:
Originally Posted by Banana Split
OK, I won't send the letter. Now I'll probably stick with him several more weeks, unhappy, because it'll be too hard to do it in person. When he's down I don't want to bring it up....and if he's in a good mood I don't want to ruin it!

I don't understand the comment from the last poster, about "not blaming him, it takes two to tango". I haven't done anything wrong. He's the one who was dishonest with me. I've tried to be accepting and encouraging but, instead of it working, he's bringing me down.
I can understand how hard it is to end a relationship with someone face to face, especially when they may not want the break up and may start pleading for another chance. But doing it face to face is really the most upstanding way. But if a letter is in fact the only way you are able to break up with him, then maybe that's better than not breaking up with him at all, being miserable and leading him on. But a simple "I don't think we should see each other anymore, it's just not working out, I'm sorry, I wish you well" and then getting out of there would be enough.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 12:59 PM   #10
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Re: Please help me with this break up letter

Banana - you do what's right for you. I disagree with everyone who says you have to do it in person. I've been dumped in person, on the phone, thru e-mail, and had people just disappear on me. You're being nice enough to take the time to explain to the guy what the problem is. I commend you for that. Sometimes a letter is the only way to communicate with some people. It gives you a way to get all your thoughts across and gives the other person the time needed to digest it, and re-read it, etc, without arguing and without getting sidetracked.

Don't stay with him because you can't break up in person. If you're that unhappy, go with the letter. You have to do what's right with you.

Would all these people be advising you to break up in person if your boyfriend was abusive? I don't think so. There is no right and wrong, it depends on the situation and you.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 01:25 PM   #11
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Re: Please help me with this break up letter

Well, I just thought of something. Perhaps you could see him in person and tell him there's something you need to tell him but you have difficulty expressing it to him verbally, so you wrote it in a letter. Then give him the letter to read while you're there and if he has any questions, you can answer them there. Just a suggestion. Not sure if it's the best one, but it came to my mind so I thought I would mention it.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 02:54 PM   #12
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Re: Please help me with this break up letter

Hey Banana!
While deciding to break up with someone is very difficult, actually DOING it is far more difficult. I understand that you're having a hard time.
What you have to do is realize that things like this make you stronger as a person. If you are faced with something that's going to be hard for you, and you choose to take the easiest possible route, then you're really not doing yourself any favors. Throughout life you're going to run into situations where you have to confront someone this way. The best thing for you to do is face it head on and learn from it. Strengthen yourself. This way years from now when you have to ask your boss for a raise (or something similar), it will be that much easier for you!
I suggest you break up with him face to face. It shows more strength and respect. Plus, it really will help build your ability to confront difficult situations in the future. I do understand how hard it is for you... which is why I suggest you do it.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 07:44 PM   #13
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Re: Please help me with this break up letter

I wish I had written a letter and broke up with my boyfriend sooner. I kept stalling too. I'd say if it's easier to send the letter then do it. If you tell him in person and he starts making you feel guilty and talks you out of it, then nothing got accomplished. You'll still be unhappy and you'll end up having to try again another time. I don't see anything rude about sending the letter. It explains everything and you did have some nice words for him at the end. If you put the letter in the mail you can breathe a sigh of relief.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 08:09 PM   #14
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Re: Please help me with this break up letter

im sorry I dont know the whole situation here, but it seems like breaking up with him because of an artifical leg is just an excuse. He was embarassed by it and afraid of how you would react. It isnt like he cheated on you. Unless your in his position you wouldnt know how to tell people either....

 
Old 08-22-2005, 08:26 PM   #15
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Re: Please help me with this break up letter

Piranna, my other thread about it is now back on this page. It's called "Speaking of Dishonesty in Relationships". It tells more. It's not just "the leg".

 
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