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Old 08-22-2005, 10:23 AM   #1
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Married 11 years & so confused now..

I've been married for 11 years with 2 kids. I'm a stay at home mom and my husband is a Dr. A few weeks ago we got an email from our wireless company saying a change was made to our plan. I never look at bills & just thought it was strange. When I logged on to our account I discovered the bill was almost $300. I then looked at the detail summary of calls on my husband's cell phone. I saw two numbers called frequently. I found out it was his assistant. I have confronted them both after finding the calls have been going on for over 8 months (including holidays) they both claim they were just general conversations & nothing intimate. However, all these calls were made when neither spouse was around. They both begged me not to tell her husband in fear of his temper. It's been 3 weeks & I have not told him, but I feel guilty for not doing so. I would want to know. She also still works with my husband & I'm finding it impossible to deal with. I don't know what to do. I just feel so betrayed by him.. I also discovered a course he took shortly after our anniversary(April) he took her with him. He said her husband knew, but they did not tell me or the rest of the office. A week before that for an anniversary present I had gone to his office to put up some pics he wanted and when looking for glass cleaner under his sink I found condoms. We don't use them. He gave the excuse of the putting them on makes it easier for him to masturbate the thought of having sex. I thought this was a lame excuse. Perhaps a man thinks different? Help someone with advise... Am I just being blind to this situation. I'm so confused what to do...

 
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Old 08-22-2005, 10:31 AM   #2
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Re: Married 11 years & so confused now..

it sounds like they could be having an affair, or maybe not it could all be innocent. have you thought about hiring a private detective to keep an eye on him? I would.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 10:52 AM   #3
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Re: Married 11 years & so confused now..

I am a man and a professional and I tell you, guilty or not, his activities are completely inappropriate.

He told you that he is putting condoms on and masturbating in his office?! Guys, who would do this? Wouldn't most men rather confess to an affair that to masturbating at work? " Oh my goodness, how did these condoms get in my desk drawer? Well, since they are here, I might as well masterbate right here in the office - hold all my calls please."

A more plausible story would be that he is using the condoms for finger-puppets to entertain himself when things are slow.

...And your husband is a doctor? I hope he is a doctor in English Literature and not a medical doctor.

Jeeze, where do you women find these men (and I use the term "men" loosely in this case)?

For everyone's benefit, let's assume he is having an affair and move forward in that direction. Ask yourself what you would recommend to your own daughter in this situation and follow your own advice.

Last edited by thghtsreal; 08-22-2005 at 11:00 AM.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 11:25 AM   #4
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Re: Married 11 years & so confused now..

I do have a daughter who's 6. I would probably say "Leave & tell her husband to" My husband is a Dentist. I can also say it's easier said than done. My husband pretty much controls all finances as I again am a stay at home mom of 7 years now. I don't know I'm just being dumb. I don't know I just wonder what her husband knows about any of this or what he would think. I've never had any reason not to trust him and I guess that's why it took 8 months for me to catch this. Your a man. If you were married or are married would you want to know if she had been possibly having an affair? Tell me that?

 
Old 08-22-2005, 11:34 AM   #5
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Re: Married 11 years & so confused now..

O ... sorry to hear that ... it must be painful for you.

No doubt, all evidences point to the conclusion that they are having an affair ... any excuses are just so lame that would make one embarrass to even try ... do you have your family to go to ? These situations, I would think leaving your home @ once is the best idea. Can he take care of the kids without your presence ?! I don't think talking right now is gonna help because there's no understanding to be done. Things are pretty crystal clear.

Spend some time alone, think thru your head, then talk to him again. Unfortunately there are only very few options for you guys here.

Best of luck.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 11:49 AM   #6
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Re: Married 11 years & so confused now..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bark
... they both claim they were just general conversations & nothing intimate. However, all these calls were made when neither spouse was around. They both begged me not to tell her husband in fear of his temper...
If they were just general conversations... there wouldn't be anything to hide. AND there should be no problem in her husband knowing about the conversations they have been having for 8 months.

He's really insulting your intelligence isn't he?

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

((Hugs))
Trooper

 
Old 08-22-2005, 11:57 AM   #7
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Re: Married 11 years & so confused now..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bark
Your a man. If you were married or are married would you want to know if she had been possibly having an affair? Tell me that?
So, your husband is dentist. I hope he washes his hands good and often...

Do you mean would I want to know that my wife is having an affair? Yes, I would want to know.

To tell or not to tell is a tough question. The issue itself between your husband's lover and her husband and not between you and her husband.

So, telling the other husband for ethical reasons is not justifiable. HOWEVER, you could do it for your own reasons. You could tell him to make trouble for your husband and I admit that is good enough reason.

So, it seems you are willing to stay in this relationship for economical reasons. As you put it, "he controls all the money". So, if money is the bigger issue, you have to ask if you want to rock the boat because it could affect the money side of things...

Weigh what you want in the relationship. Make a plan. Go forward with a plan.

Last edited by thghtsreal; 08-22-2005 at 11:59 AM.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 12:35 PM   #8
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Re: Married 11 years & so confused now..

How sad. I am sorry you are going through this. I get really sad especially when kids are concerned.
Although you my want to believe your husband I am sorry to say but his actions point towards an affair. Cell phone bills that high and condoms in his desk? Come on now.
If you are a stay at home mother then chances are if you get divorced that you will be compensated according to your current living conditions.
What I don't understand is are you in denial? Are you doing anything? How do you feel? Aren't you mad? I mean I would probably have a fit and kick him out or make sure he gets rid of her, I just don't understand.
You need to sit down and think about your future and your children's future. Then you need to think about whether you are willing to trust this man because trust will be a big issue. And then think whether you want to stay in this marriage or move on. You have a lot to think about but be strong. You have done nothing wrong, you are a strong woman and you WILL get through this. Don't let him bring you down. Stay focused and do this for your kids sake. Good luck and let us know how things are going.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 01:14 PM   #9
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Re: Married 11 years & so confused now..

I agree with rosequartz. Trust your instincts, your gut feeling...and look at the signs. I know you want to believe him, but I truly believe that he isn't being truthful with you. You need to hire a private detective, and have him record the results. Believe me, if you have the results down on paper or documented (copies of cell phone bill, etc.) it will be much easier for you to collect more alimony if you get a divorce. I suggest you keep copies of everything, hire a private eye, and keep the number of a good lawyer handy. You do not need to be treated this way, because he IS insulting your intelligence. I have never heard of any man masturbating with a condom on. I think that the reason they do not want her husband to know is that he WOULD hire a private detective or do something to catch them. I think it is horrible that they begged you not to tell him. Isn't this like making you a pawn?
I'd hire a dectective.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 07:49 PM   #10
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Re: Married 11 years & so confused now..

Thghtsreal--

I am really cracking up right now. I couldn't have said it better myself!! Not a funny situation for her at all--but what you said hit the nail rihgt on the head, and devilishly hysterical. Just wanted to tell ya you gave me quite the laugh on a really, really sucky day for me, so THANKS!!

 
Old 08-22-2005, 09:30 PM   #11
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Re: Married 11 years & so confused now..

Quote:
Originally Posted by laurie864bla
Thghtsreal--

I am really cracking up right now. I couldn't have said it better myself!! Not a funny situation for her at all--but what you said hit the nail rihgt on the head, and devilishly hysterical. Just wanted to tell ya you gave me quite the laugh on a really, really sucky day for me, so THANKS!!
Thanks, Laurie. I know this is not a funny situation for Bark, but I hope she can get a laugh out of her ridiculous husband.

Jeeze, how can a guy come up with that kind of story about fiddling about with himself in his office? A guy like that can graduate from dental school? I wonder if he got his diploma from overseas - or maybe from a cereal box.

Bark, I know this hurts now, but you will laugh about this one day. You will be able to make others laugh at his craziness too. That is good medicine.

Honestly, if there is one good thing about all of this is that at least you know he is using condoms (at least at the office ) just in case you decide to keep him.

Jeeze 'eh. What is he thinking? He really can't be enjoying the sex as much as what it is costing him in the relationship with his wife and family. Why do people do this kind of thing for such short-term gratification?

Bark, you can leave him if you need, but I have known many couples to make it through this kind of thing and have a strong marriage afterwards. You have a number of options available to you.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 09:35 PM   #12
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Re: Married 11 years & so confused now..

Trust your gut, he's cheating on you. If I had not been in denial long ago I could have saved myself about 2 years of intense mental hardship. If someone, anyone had told me what was going on I would be better off today. Instead I had to live in paranoia and mistrust that turned out to be completely justified. Ask, confront, investigate. Not in that order. But don't go "I'm just being paranoid, he wouldn't do that" You're probably not and he probably would.

I saw something like this just yesterday. My ex sister in law was in town with her family to see my kids. Her husband of one year was with her. She is still a starry eyed newlywed. He is on the make like there is no tomorrow. I wanted to tell her, but it would be impossible for me to do that. It's just too complicated. I feel so sorry for her. She was just a little kid last time I had saw her and now she's a grown woman about to have her heart completely broken. Someone needs to tell her now. Before things get too bad. Any man who tells a 15 year old kid that he just met that's he's looking to cheat on that kid's aunt (and where to find the women?) is going to be cheating very, very soon. Paranoia would be good for her. Suspicion would help. Denial is not helping her nor will it help you. She didn't notice him staring at every decent looking woman who came by like he was a starving man in front of a buffet. Just did not see the obvious. Don't be like her. Or me. Check it out and don't believe that thing about the condoms. It's just not believable in the least.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 09:59 PM   #13
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Re: Married 11 years & so confused now..

By not telling her husband your are enabling them to continue this affair! I would give him a ultimatum. You will not tell her husband only if she finds employment else where.
Only you can decide if you want to stay in this marriage and give him another chance. No doubt about it he is having fling with her.
His excuse for the condoms is is one of the most lame brain things I have heard. PRICELESS!

 
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