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Old 08-22-2005, 06:01 PM   #1
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Ok, I'm coming of denial some...

I recently asked for help on my 11 year marriage that took a turn for the worse. It took a couple of replies of different types to see I'm in denial about what has taken place. I think it's pretty safe to say my husband had an 8 month affair (at least I know) even if they claim no sex or intimacy took place. He cheated me 8 months of emotional needs & gave them to his Dental Assistant. They both begged me not to tell her husband. It's been 3 weeks since I found out and I still have not said nothing to her husband.

I feel guilty for not telling, I would want someone to tell me! She's still working with my husband as his assistant DUH that's a problem and I don't see that even with counseling we could ever move past her in the office. My question to Girls or Guys is : Do I tell her husband everything I know & show him the proof??? What would you do?

 
Old 08-22-2005, 06:05 PM   #2
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Re: Ok, I'm coming of denial some...

Well, what exactly are they so afraid of if there was no sex?? What WERE they doing??

I think she should find a new job!!!

I think you should find a new hubby!!!

 
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Old 08-22-2005, 06:14 PM   #3
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Re: Ok, I'm coming of denial some...

They tell me they're afraid of his Temper. (he's a police officer) They seem to think he'll do something stupid. She's had a similar episode of an accused affair with the other Dentist in the office right after my husband & I purchased in with the other Dentist. My husband say's it was not true. I always thought it was. So her husband told her she could only work in the office if it was with my husband on his side of the building. This was 4 years ago & they also have two small children. My husband claims that everything was just "General Conversation & her marital woes" he says he was just trying to be a friend to her.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 06:16 PM   #4
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Re: Ok, I'm coming of denial some...

leave him ..once a cheater always a cheater... i would DEFINATELY tell him... would you want her husband to tell you if he knew and you didnt?!? he has every right to know.. what is the proof youre using? she ruined your marriage so ruin hers. rememeber you said this was an ongoing thing so they knew what they were doing and im sure if they are that worried then there was sex involved. TELL HIM ASAP.. dont cover for them. good luck xoxo

 
Old 08-22-2005, 06:26 PM   #5
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Re: Ok, I'm coming of denial some...

I found out by an email from our cell company noting a change to our plans and when I decided to see what was changed I saw close to a $300 bill for that month and after pulling statement by statement of call details I saw it all began in October of 2004. They called each other at first a once or twice and then it grew to more. Basically whenever the other spouse was not around. They even spoke twice on Valentines Day. I also back in April right before our Anniversary found condoms in his office which we don't use & he gave a really lame excuse for them. Then on May 20th (My birthday) I happen to look at a bill showing where a CE Course he took one day he took her with him. He didn't tell me he was taking her or anyone in office for that matter. However, they claim her husband knew, but did not know I didn't know... That's all the proof I have. However, I would think if her husband looked at the copies of my cell phone records & heard the other things he would think the same thing as me. I'm struggling here...

 
Old 08-22-2005, 06:40 PM   #6
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Re: Ok, I'm coming of denial some...

I would tell. Why shouldn't they have to face the consequences. You don't tell, they have no reason to ever stop.
And I would want to know.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 06:45 PM   #7
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Re: Ok, I'm coming of denial some...

Bark,

Where there is smoke, there is fire.

I believe your husband is lying to you, but I think you know it.

She has a history! She did it before! For some reason she has a need to make men want to stray from their wives and choose her. She tells them things about her husband being voilent and mean. She plays the victim.

Give her that starring role and tell him!!!

 
Old 08-22-2005, 07:18 PM   #8
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Re: Ok, I'm coming of denial some...

I understand the telling part.
The danger here I gather is that the policeman husband will get violent and hurt either your husband or his wife. Or Both.
Is that what you are concerned about?

 
Old 08-23-2005, 11:44 AM   #9
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Re: Ok, I'm coming of denial some...

Yes, although 4 years ago all he did was curse out the other Dr. & gave his wife a hard time which she so deserved. My husband claims that she told him several occassions he loses his cool easily. Of course, I said why would do something so stupid then. Eventually you're found out by one of the spouses. Last night I attempted an ultimatum of either she finds employment else where or I tell. He just say's do what you have to do. He really thinks talking with her for 8 months like that is not a big deal as I'm making it out to be. However, he realizes I think her husband would assume they had been up to no good as well. I want her husband to know, but I'm having a hard time making the call myself. I guess to admit it I'm a scaredy cat. It's not my nature to stir things up. I've always been the kind to shy away.. (Bad trait to have right now)... I'm thinking of my children who are 6 & 4... He's a good father & this is the 1st time he's done anything like this. I sort of believe once a cheater always a cheater, but then I've seen others overcome. I have set up a marriage counseling visit for the 30th which he agreed upon. I deeply feel her husband should know simply because I would want to know and she should have to answer to this as well. I feel they think this can be swept under a rug and someday all will be fine. I told him that would never be the case and as long as she was in that office I could never move past...

 
Old 08-23-2005, 12:22 PM   #10
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Re: Ok, I'm coming of denial some...

I think your husband is a liar and I truly believe he had sex with her. Condoms in his office???? PULEEZEE,,,,And he expects you to believe him?
No way. I would leave if I were you. What kind of idiot does he think you are? Knowing that he had a "relationship" with this woman and yet he STILL lets her work there when it bothers you???
Pack your bags honey and don't look back.
As far as the gold digging dental assistant, I wouldn't tell her husband. Why? What's the point? All you will be called is the jealous freakaziod lying wife of a dentist. The two of them will deny it. Believe me,,,,the police officer has alot more issues being married to this woman than anything else.

 
Old 08-23-2005, 12:24 PM   #11
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Re: Ok, I'm coming of denial some...

Onething will have to change before you two can even try to reconcile. And that is she gets a new job Imediately. That would have to be understood right from the start.
if it where me I would call her hubby. She made her bed and has to lie in it!@

 
Old 08-23-2005, 02:03 PM   #12
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Re: Ok, I'm coming of denial some...

Well the therapy appointment is a good start. BUT..............

No matter what, insist on your husband getting rid of that woman immediatly!!!!

That BS about her abusive husband is just that!!! BS!!! She is using it to keep you from telling him!!! She is using it to keep her job.

How can you honestly think that they didn't have sex? How can you honestly think they aren't now?

I had a 3 year affair with a married man. I know exactly what they have done and what they WILL continue to do!

I bet deep down inside, you do too.

 
Old 08-23-2005, 02:59 PM   #13
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Re: Ok, I'm coming of denial some...

I agree with everything. Tell the husband. But, not only does she have to leave, before you can start repairing this marriage, your husband has to come clean about the condoms and admit he's had sex with her. If he isn't willing to come clean, he doesn't want to fix this marriage.
Come on.... what else were they for?

 
Old 09-27-2005, 12:55 PM   #14
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Re: Ok, I'm coming of denial some...

TELL HIM...and let her clean up the pieces. She didn't think about how you would feel before hopping in the sack with your husband, it is NOT your job to protect her.

As far as your husband telling you to do what you need to do, he knows you don't like to stir the pot. He is betting on it, that is why he is being agreeable. He is treating you like you are insignificant and your feelings don't play a factor in his actions. His RIDICULOUS story about the condoms just proves he thinks you will take whatever he tells you as gospel and let it go. Stand up for yourself and for your children!!!!

 
Old 09-28-2005, 02:08 AM   #15
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Re: Ok, I'm coming of denial some...

Counselling wont even start working with the dental assistant still holding the job as your husband's assistant. It would be too easy and tempting for them to ressume what they were doing. She most definitely needs to go. If her husband wonders why she lost her job, it's her call on what she will tell him.

If you want to tell her husband, but don't know how to face him, you can always post your evidence with a letter attached and let him work out the rest.

You are certainly being more reasonable than most women are in this situation. It truly sounds as though you love your husband and do want it to work.

 
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