I have posted several threads here before, about my 23 years old GF & some probelms we have had. This time it's more serious: -
Everything went well until lately we decided to go on a trip. This is our 1st big trip together, so we were both looking forward to that. I paid for everything 1st & it was agreed that we would split the cost 50/50. I have always dealt with holiday expenses with all my other X-GFs this way, never had a problem ... but this time, my GF became very ****** off about this arrangement, though she did agree.
She knows how much I make per year, in fact a bit less than she does. & I have been talking about buying my own apartment by the end of next year (it's a personal goal). We talked about how to help me spend within my budget so I could buy my own place quicker. But she expected me to pay for her trip too. I have already said that I have prepared to pay for all her expenses during the vacation, & I just need her to pay for her own flight & hotel. But she reckons that I should pay for everything. I got a bit frustrated because 1) that's not what we agreed upon on, & 2) the way she expected me to pay for everything, I never expected that from the quality I saw of her.
Hence, I said "OK I'll pay for the whole trip. This is what you expected, & I don't have no problem with that". I feel I have taken a huge step back just to please her. Then today we talked again & she said that since this matter of the trip has been brought up, I have treated her differently, as well as she also took me differently. She also sees me being boring, & always doing the same thing with her. I have tried to take her to a nice dinner every Fridays, & have done so, just to make sure that we have quality time every weeks. I have paid for everything so far, all our dinners including a few shorts trips. I think in terms of finances I have been doing my best & I reckon I have treated her good. But she's no satisfied. Last weekend, she went clubbing with her guy friends & have left me alone @ home, which I never complained ... I feel like I'm being drained out here. I've been like a non-stop tap ....
We have had our ups & downs, but this time. I have said to her "if it makes you feel better by not seeing me then maybe I'll stop botheirng you until next Friday" We'll go out to dine & we'll try to talk & decide where things fly from this point. I will miss her a lot but she needed that space. I even said to her that if she prefers, I can even cancel the trip. It's non-refundable but I'll eat the cost. I don't want her to go on a vacation with me just for the sake of going because I already paid.
I'm here to vent, or to see if anyone here has experienced similar situations.
Re: 32 years old BF should pay for everything ?! ...
i can see your frustration! My fiance and I have gone on several trips and we always, always take care of each other. We will take care buying meals and stuff we "need" if it's for our own personal use like a t-shirt or something then we buy it ourselves. If one buys breakfast the other buys lunch and sometimes we will just go in half and half for dinner or somthing depending on how much it is.
We have never argued about it or got to the point where we looked at each other differently. Especially since the two of you spoke of how money would be handled before this trip. Maybe she is trying to be an old fasioned girl where guys always use to pay for things? Who knows. This is something petty though and shouldnt result in the end of a relationship.
I think the two of you just need to speak of how it made you both feel, and decide how you would like to handle this in the future incase you go on another trip together. Just make it clear you didnt go on this trip planning on spending all of your money on both of your needs, that you assumed that you two had reached an agreement on it would all be split up...and take note that next time "this" is how you want it to be...
Re: 32 years old BF should pay for everything ?! ...
Could this be a sugar-daddy gig? You are 39% older than she is (23 X 1.39 = 32 Oh my Gosh! ). Your age difference would be like you dating a 45 year old woman - so who would be paying for what if that was the case?
If it IS a sugar-daddy gig, think before you do something rash. It might not be a bad gig. You could be dating a thirty-something woman and still paying for everything.
Seriously. I'm not trying to be nasty. She might have a slightly different look at your relationship.
Last edited by thghtsreal; 08-22-2005 at 09:55 PM.
Re: 32 years old BF should pay for everything ?! ...
Quote:
Originally Posted by thghtsreal
Could this be a sugar-daddy gig? You are 39% older than she is (23 X 1.39 = 32 Oh my Gosh! ). Your age difference would be like you dating a 45 year old woman - so who would be paying for what if that was the case?
If it IS a sugar-daddy gig, think before you do something rash. It might not be a bad gig. You could be dating a thirty-something woman and still paying for everything.
Seriously. I'm not trying to be nasty. She might have a slightly different look at your relationship.
But why would she choose a sugar daddy who made less money than she did? I can understand what you're saying about her viewing the relationship differently if she had insisted all along on not paying her share of the vacation costs, but it concerns me that she has changed her tune about this after initially agreeing with you. Have other things changed lately in your relationship? It kind of sounds like she is starting to pull away, not to be overly pessimistic, but it could be that she is feeling like she's too young to be in a committed relationship. I hope that's not the case and this is just a minor issue, but it would explain why she's been complaining about you or your routine being boring. I have talked and acted similarly in the past when I started to feel a little smothered or just bored with relationships. It seemed to me like the spark had gone out and things were getting really routine, which caused me to crave something new and exciting and pull away and "need space" as a result. I'm not saying the same thing is happening with your GF, but it definitely can't hurt to try to shake up your routine and make an effort to be more spontaneous in and out of the bedroom. If you can bring back that feeling of newness that makes relationships so fun at the start, you may be able to turn things around pretty quickly...even little changes can make a big difference. The question is, do you want to get this relationship back on track? It sounds like you're feeling a little used and taken advantage of...I haven't read your past threads but I will and see if I can think of more accurate, specific advice for you. In the meantime, you're probably best off giving her some space, thinking of ways to add some spice and variety to your relationship, and staying positive. I wish you all the best and hope things work out well for you .
Re: 32 years old BF should pay for everything ?! ...
Thx for the replies guys.
Ealesgirl's right ... I don't reckon the sugar daddy is an issue, I just don't feel it from her that way. She just thinks a bit old-fashionly, although only 23. I'm frustrated because she doesn't understand that as a man, there are more things to consider than just women. I said that right now I can't afford to pay for her big trip, just because I want my savings to go somewhere else (like my downpayment of my 1st apartment next year), & we have talked about it. & she said "well if you save up an extra $200 / month for a year, then you should have no problem paying for me too!!"
I'm very disappointed, that she failed to understand the whole picture ... I wanna have my own place to share with her, so that we don't have to force ourselves to go out just because we wanna be alone (we both live with our parents) but all she cares about is excitment right now, enjoyment right now. She basically indicated to me that ... I wanna have fun now, & you are responsible. Your future's none of my fu_king business.
I have to admit that I might have taken her for granted, & I have had no problem admitting that. But I have explained to her that it's because we almost see each other everyday, for almost 1.5 year now, & I still enjoy every moment of it. She is already a big part of me ... & I do ... do little things 2 surprise her like visit her during her working hours, buy her little things, where ever she said she wanna go, I would take her no questions asked. I would drive her to work when she has to work during weekends, I would spend 3 hrs just for driving, just because I wanna do something for her ... She would never have to worry about expenses, I normally take care of everyting ....
It's so sad & unfortunate that when I need her to chip in some money for her own trip, things would turn out this ugly. It's like this whole issue has brought up all these little ugly things.
Now I'm not even sure myself ... is she the type of person I wanna be with ?! ...
Re: 32 years old BF should pay for everything ?! ...
[QUOTE=Gundam]Thx for the replies guys.
I'm very disappointed, that she failed to understand the whole picture ... I wanna have my own place to share with her, so that we don't have to force ourselves to go out just because we wanna be alone (we both live with our parents) but all she cares about is excitment right now, enjoyment right now. She basically indicated to me that ... I wanna have fun now, & you are responsible. Your future's none of my fu_king business.
QUOTE]
Ya...
That is kinda what I mean by you being a sugar-daddy to this 23 year old girl. Maybe there is another word for it, but if she wants you to pay for everything and "your future is none of her #@$%*&% business", then this is a 'special arrangement' rather than a personal connection.
Last edited by thghtsreal; 08-23-2005 at 07:33 AM.
Re: 32 years old BF should pay for everything ?! ...
[QUOTE=thghtsreal]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gundam
Thx for the replies guys.
I'm very disappointed, that she failed to understand the whole picture ... I wanna have my own place to share with her, so that we don't have to force ourselves to go out just because we wanna be alone (we both live with our parents) but all she cares about is excitment right now, enjoyment right now. She basically indicated to me that ... I wanna have fun now, & you are responsible. Your future's none of my fu_king business.
QUOTE]
Ya...
That is kinda what I mean by you being a sugar-daddy to this 23 year old girl. Maybe there is another word for it, but if she wants you to pay for everything and "your future is none of her #@$%*&% business", then this is a 'special arrangement' rather than a personal connection.
I agree with the post above. If her future isn't any of your business, that's a clear indication that you are not apart of it. Perhaps because you're older she feels that your in a position to be financially responsible for her or maybe she's beginning to feel the age difference and she realizes that she doesn't want to settle down yet.
Either way, this isn't good and it's probably not a good idea to go on a trip together right now.
Re: 32 years old BF should pay for everything ?! ...
If she is making as much or more then you, you should be sharing ALL expenses. I don't care how old she is. Time for her to learn that. I also agree, if her future is none of your business, that means that you aren't in it. Cut this one loose and find a lady who wants you in her future.
Re: 32 years old BF should pay for everything ?! ...
Things are even more complicated because our mothers know each other, long time friends of 40 years.
In my previous posts, I have also mentioned that my GF is the type of person who would say nasty things (how things that she doesn't really mean) when she's mad or just PMS'ing ... so I'm uncertain as to how serious she was when she said all those things ... so I guess ... when next Friday comes, things will be a lot clearer. I mean ... if she admits that she hasn't missed me @ all for almost 2 weeks, then I don't think there's any more connection between us; & I'll call it quit.
O ... & I just wanna clarify, that she never "said" - my future is none of her business. I just get the feeling that it's what she's indicating to me, that's all. I wanna make things clear so it's fair to her too.
Re: 32 years old BF should pay for everything ?! ...
i'm just curious how the arrangements of this trip were made--did you agree on a place to go and plan it for the two of you, or is this a trip that you wanted to go on and invited her to go too? The way you speak, it seems as though you did all of the planning. Did you not only agree that she would pay her way, but also mutually decide on a place that interested both of you, plan an itinerary that included points of interest for her and you? Because if you took charge of this trip in a way that was like, "I've always wanted to go to XXX, and I'd love it if you'd go with me, honey," then I can sort of understand her reacting this way. You kind of talk about moving that way too...as in, "I want to move into an apartment next year, so I'm saving up for it..." Since you say you plan on living with her, have you discussed it with her? Discussed splitting the rent and utilities and other expenses, discussed going together to find a place that is right for both of you?
It's a two-way street. If you're being the old-fashioned stereotypical "guy" and taking charge of everything, but then expecting her to not fall into an old-fashioned "girl" mentality of expecting you to pay for things....it could certainly be sending mixed messages and could explain why she acts the way she does.
Re: 32 years old BF should pay for everything ?! ...
I think redsoxgirl makes a good point. In this day and age it can get confusing. Many women today make as much if not more than their boyfriends, and some people are ok with that, some aren't. Some people still have an old fashioned idea that men pay for everything and the women in turn fall in line and let him be the boss and take control over everything. Some men feel immasculated when they don't or can't pay for everything. Some weomn feel cheated when they see their girlfriends being wined and dined and treated to nice roses, fancy jewelry and expensive trips and they aren't getting the same things. I dated a guy who was really poor at the time and we paid half for everything and in fact I paid for a lot of stuff. He had no choice, but he felt really bad a lot of the time when he couldn't pay my way. He always said he wanted to "take care of me" but he just couldn't afford to. I think this made him really heavy handed in other matters and it caused a lot of insecurity on both sides. I think you both have to agree to what the standards are going to be in your relationship. You can sit her down and tell her as much as you'd love to wine and dine her and treat her to expensive things, you just can't afford it. You need to save, plan for the future, pay rent, etc. If she has a problem with that, then perhaps she isn't the girl for you.
Re: 32 years old BF should pay for everything ?! ...
With my last boyfriend, when we were going to meet for the first time (at a restaurant) he asked that we "go dutch". That really surprised me, as I had never heard of the man NOT paying. We continued to pay for our own meals for the next six months, although I wasn't happy about it. When I asked family and friends, they seemed surprised at this too and suggested he was cheap. They were right! After six months of paying for my own meals, I kiddingly told him it was about time he bought me dinner. He did pay from then on, but didn't go out as often as when I paid my own. He would only go to places where the dinners were $10.00 or less AND that we had a coupon for! If I meet any other guys and they don't offer to pay for me on the first date, I'll run!
Re: 32 years old BF should pay for everything ?! ...
Quote:
Originally Posted by thghtsreal
If it IS a sugar-daddy gig, think before you do something rash. It might not be a bad gig. You could be dating a thirty-something woman and still paying for everything.
What are you trying to say, that dating a thirty-something woman is inherently worse than dating a twenty-something woman, solely because of her age? I find that notion extremely offensive. There are plenty of 30-something women who are more beautiful, far more sophisticated, more mature, and smarter than some 20-something women. Perhaps it's slightly off topic, but I thought it should be pointed out. I think it's far more important to look at the qualities of each individual rather than making general assumptions like that.
Re: 32 years old BF should pay for everything ?! ...
I also want to add that it is unromantic for a woman, regardless of her age, to be splitting everything 50/50 with her boyfriend. I dated someone 14 years older in my early to mid twenties and he also required me to split everything pretty much in half, even though I was in college and made very little money. I wish I hadn't been so stupid to date him because I could have done so much better and could have dated someone who was less selfish and more generous and romantic. And I'm sorry to say, but since you are not engaged or married, your plans to buy YOUR apartment are not her business, it's true.
Re: 32 years old BF should pay for everything ?! ...
I have heard a lot here, & questions I wanna answer.
1st of all, about this trip. We planned it together. There was no particular choice as to where to go, we just wanted to go somewhere. It ended up to be L.A. then cruise to Mexico. I said to her that I would need her to pay me something simply because I wasn't in a comfortable position financially to pay everything on my own. She heard me & she looked like she understood. When I receieved my bills on my credit cards, I brought it up again & she became very annoyed & complained that I didn't even offer (though she claimed she was gonna pay me anyway). But my point is if she's ready to pay me, & it's something that we really agreed, then why get so upset so of a sudden. I agree, it'd be so romantic if a man can offer everything in life, but unfortunately I'm not able to do that just yet.
& this trip is the 1st thing I require her to chip in $$. We have been to other places (short trips & stay for a night or 2), never asked her to pay a penny. I paid for all dinners, & all other meals. I would also take her parents & brother out, & when I take my parents out, she's always invited too. She has also paid for me before, but just little things like video rental, buying snacks, etc. I feel I'm constantly doing something for her, always put her as my 1st priority, but I feel I'm not being appreciated. When she's in a good mood, she can be so sweet. But when not, she can hurt me pretty badly.
For buying my own apartment, I never included her in my plan. Mortgage, downpayment & expenses will all be on my own. I brought it up to her because I wanted her to understand that I'm allocating my savings to somewhere else, that's all. Something that she's fully aware of.
O another reason is, I wanna buy her a diamond ring, that's why I can't pay for her trip. You imagine, giving your GF a ring on a cruise ship would be so romantic. Not an engagement ring, just a ring to show appreciation ... but I'm not too sure about the idea anymore. I actually told her that I was planning a surprise for her, just so that I'm sure she knew I was planning something for her too. I knew it would spoil the surprise but I had to tell her & make sure she's aware. But that didn't help either. She got so fed up & just said "I don't need that ..." That really hurts me.
& this is what bits me ... a BF & a GF, when they start debating & argueing about $$$. If $$$ is such a critical concern then, all things would begin to turn soar & inecxited ... like exactly what happened to us. Now the more I say, or the more she says, it will just make things worse. That's why we agree to meet next Friday. But honestly I have lost my hopes on her. It's not even up to me now ...
Last night when I was talking to her in my office, I almost wanted to cry. She got me convinced that she's the one I wanna spend a long time with. If I wasn't serious enough with her, I would never wanna buy her a diamond ring ...
Re: 32 years old BF should pay for everything ?! ...
Look, "Dude", you have the chance to go on a cruise with a 23 year old girl who at least seems to like something about you. You are thirty two years old. It won't be too long before this will be a "woulda, shoulda, coulda" fanatsy.
It might cost you a couple thousand dollars, but you should go even if you don't end up marrying her.
I mean even if this is your last hurrah, go for it. Go unabashidly and have a ball. You are paying for it and you have the chance to have some real fun with a babe. Don't fight about anything. Whatever she says goes. Party on, man!
Seriously. Don't goof this up. Go and get the most out of it. As you cruise toward forty, this kind of opportunity will avail itself less frequently.
Re: 32 years old BF should pay for everything ?! ...
I dont know why so many women are confused, upset or baffled over men not offering to pay for everything? Im female and I feel wrong about my fiance paying for everything. We take turns buying each other lunch or dinner if the other is working and never ask for the money back.
Really, if your in a relationship with someone why should they pay? Your spending money on each other anyways arent you? So whats the big deal a meal here or there being paid by one another? I dont find this unusual?
Like I said I dont feel this is a logical reason to break up or have a huge blow out. It's the fact that she assumed you should pay for everything and you felt differently. Speak w/her and let her know you didnt approve of the situation since you spoke to her about how you wanted the money situation to be handled before the trip and that you felt like she didnt understand or played deaf ear to it.
Re: 32 years old BF should pay for everything ?! ...
you are right gun, money shouldnt be a primary issue here. But let me tell you something. I am about the age of your g/f. My boyfriend is 23 me 22. We are engaged and now attempting to plan a wedding.
We both work fulltime jobs, him making a bit more then myself. And we still splurge on each other for birthdays or christmas. Like my last post said we take turns buying lunch/dinner whatever without expecting the other to pay back. We know we take care of each other and dont need to be finiky over money.
So far we have both been contributing to our wedding. Putting deposits on things ect and guess what, it's not just me paying and not just him paying, it's both of us sharing the cost. Granted I will buy his ring and visa versa. But this will mostly come from our pockets.
We are planning on buying a house in a month or so here and we have already discussed money and bills and how we want things to be handled.
I guess there is nothing wrong with getting her a ring, my boyfriend got me my first ring for christmas only a few months after we started dating. I thought it was too soon but that is what HE wanted to do I had no say. Every holiday I tell him not to spend much on me, but he still does what he wants which is okay.
I just cant stress enough that this doesnt seem like a major crisis or issue. Just have a seat and let her know how you felt about everything...its the best you can do to clear this up!
Re: 32 years old BF should pay for everything ?! ...
Thghtsreal, I'm 23 and considered quite attractive, and I'd be thrilled to go on a cruise with any guy willing to pay my way!! If you know any who'd like to take me up on that offer, please send them in my direction! That sounds like a great idea...I wish more guys considered taking us 23 year old girls on vacation to be a fantastic plan and an excellent use for their money. Who knows, now that I'm back on the market, I've been hearing from mostly guys who claim to make a lot of money, so Mexico, here I come! (hopefully...actually, I did take a cruise from LA to Mexico paid for and including the wonderful company of my lovely mother)
On a more serious note, I totally agree with Piranna. I'm a poor student but I've always been careful to invest and sock money away whenever possible and not spend money on things I don't really want or need, so I have quite a nice nest egg by now and can certainly pay my way. It's nice to be spoiled sometimes, but money isn't important to me as long as a guy treats me great...I'd even feel a little weird freeloading all the time off of a guy. I don't think it reflects very well on women, after all the hard work we've put I fighting to be considered equal to men professionally, to act like spoiled, entitled money-grubbing princesses. Come on! Okay, we're only making $.68 cents to every man's dollar in our same profession, but still, we can afford to chip in and pay at least part of our way. It's sexist and lazy to sit back and refuse to open your wallet unless the man is really well off and insists on paying for everything...
Gundam, I think you can do a lot better. It seems to me like the money thing isn't even really the issue; I read your past threads, and it sounds like she's been pulling away from you ever since you started writing about the relationship. Don't you feel like you do more than your share of the effort as far as making plans, going out of your way for her, doing nice things for her, compromising and apologizing, tiptoeing around her when she's in a bad mood, making excuses for the mean and nasty things she says to you, fiiving her time and space apart from you on demand, etc.? It just sounds to me like she isn't all that invested in the relationship and would probably disappear pretty quickly if you stopped putting in such an impressive, caring effort to please her and make things work. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I'm ashamed to say I've acted much the same way as your girlfriend in past relationships where I was steadily growing more ambivalent...eventually I stopped lifting a finger to keep the relationship going because I could sense myself slipping away.
I'm not saying this is definitely the case with your GF, but I think there's a strong possibility that she is gradually pulling away from you and growing increasingly detached from the relationship. Does she seem to appreciate your love and all the sweet things you do for her anymore, or do you feel taken for granted much of the time? It seems to me that she should be excited and grateful that you're organizing this cruise and taking care of most of the expenses, rather than apathetic and sullen about having to pay for anything whatsoever. You sound like a great boyfriend, and I hate to see you not being appreciated the way you should be, especially when the world is filled with millions of single women who would kill for a loving, caring boyfriend like you. Anyway, I wish you all the best, but I definitely recommend that you hold off on buying her ANYTHING for the time being, especially a diamond ring! I hope everything works out for the best and that I'm being overly pessimistic, though I do think you'd be wise to keep your eyes open and try to assess her behavior as objectively as possible. Good luck and take care!
Re: 32 years old BF should pay for everything ?! ...
You are right thghtsreal. In normal circumstances I should just go ahead with our trip, probably shag her like a rabbit & worry about our relationship later; but I just know that I'd be very uncomfortable doing that. If I know that she's gonna fade away & out of my life eventually, then I'd rather have nothing to do with her, sooner than later, full stop.
& thx Eaglesgirl. Your reply tells me that you really remembered most of my other threads & thx so much for the nice words. To answer your question, she can be really sweet, & she did tell me that "whenever I become grumpy & treat you bad again, & say nasty things to you, I want you to remember that I do treasure you, & all you have done. It's just that I find it hard to control my temper" She constantly says that she appreciates me, but on the other hand, she hasn't stopped treating me badly when she felt like it. This continous apologising from her is not a healthy practise.
She also complained that she felt I treated her differently after the whole trip issue, & I must admit that I might have, & I admitted to her too. Hence, I would need time & effort to make things work. But right now I can't do anything until next Friday. I have promised that I wouldn't bother her until next Friday, so I wanna @ least keep my words. Do I miss her? Yes very much so, but not deadly. Does she miss me? I really don't know.
Now I'm more concentrated on my work & eating cautiously & exercise to get myself back into shape. I wanna feel better about myself 1st, before expecting some1 to like me again. She said she felt bored with me, well I need chances to do anything new & special with her to re-create that spark. I thought the trip would be the best & sweet solution for us but unfortunately we might not be able to wait that long.
I do see that I'm dong more than she does, but I have never taken this issue seriously. I'm also a very conservative person (in terms of relationship), so like I said if I can offer, I will offer anything. However I need to do that wisely, & she seems to have found it hard to understand. My brother said that she might be too young, well if so ... then this problem was given to me since day 1.
Whether we can work things out later next week, impossible to see. But 1 thing for sure, life must go on.
). Your age difference would be like you dating a 45 year old woman - so who would be paying for what if that was the case?
.
told him it was about time he bought me dinner. He did pay from then on, but didn't go out as often as when I paid my own. He would only go to places where the dinners were $10.00 or less AND that we had a coupon for! If I meet any other guys and they don't offer to pay for me on the first date, I'll run!
