Hi there guys, I would like people's views and opinions on a small dilemma I'm having (apologies if this is long!)
I split up with my boyfriend of 7 years at the beginning of this year, I am 23 and had been with him since we were 15, he was obviously my first and only boyfriend. I have now been seeing a guy for about 3 months and we are getting on very well and I love spending time with him. However, I have been chatting to a friend of mine (she knows him very well and actually introduced us) and we were talking about who pays for what etc, I said I thought it was fair to pay for half for everything, or at least he shouldn't pay for everything, we are going away for the bank holiday and I said I was paying for half the hotel and we'd take it in turns to buy food and drink etc but she thought this was wrong! we earn roughly the same amount of money, me maybe a little more so why should he have to pay for everything?
I did this in my last relationship and never had any problems, would you consider this normal in this day and age.
Another small issue I have is that he's never had a girlfriend before, he's always been more interested in going out with his mates drinking etc, whereas now we both go out with his mates, he doesn't have a problem with me being there (and being the only female) and neither do I but I think he drinks a lot (at weekends at least) this doesn't bother me either, but I'm worried it might in the future.
Does anyone think this maybe because he's not sure how to act in a relationship like my friend thinks and should I give him a bit more time to find out what being in a relationship is like?
Apologies for the length of the post - would really appreciate people's views - Cheers!
My opinion is that discussing your relationship with friends and comparing your relationship to others or worse, to "what's normal," is a huge mistake that will create all sorts of problems that wouldn't have existed otherwise. I also think it's completely normal and absolutely fine to split expenses 50/50 in this day and age. If you both have your own money, it doesn't seem fair that the man should have to pay more than his share. Now I could see expecting him to treat you when you first start dating, but once you are in an established relationship it's sexist and pathetic to demand that the man pay for everything. Anyway, I think that as long as you are happy in your relationship, you really shouldn't worry about what's normal and what's not. If something arises that is a genuine problem, you will notice it on your own. But talking to other people, especially friends who for all you know could be jealous and trying to sabotage you, can lead to you "realizing" problems you never noticed before...in those situations, the only problem is you letting outside influences negatively impact your view of your relationship. Every individual and every relationship is unique and shouldn't be measured against anything but itself...if you are happy and fulfilled within your relationship, that's all you need to know that things are good. And if something bothers you, please please do yourself a favor and address it with your boyfriend...a lot of times one person isn't even aware of an issue and mentioning it in a friendly way is all it takes to take care of it. Way too many women make the mistake of dissecting every tiny detail of a relationship with their friends and venting all their problems to their friends rather than their boyfriends. The end result is that they either dream up non-existent problems in their head or they fail to solve problems because they don't talk openly with their partners...either way, you're WAY better off discussing any issues that pop up with your man and carefully avoiding comparing your relationship to others. Hopefully that helps a bit, and good luck with everything!
Hi Eaglesgirl, thanks for your thoughts, I try not to discuss my relationship issues with friends, this was only bought up because I said I didn't have much money to spend next weekend as I would probably spend a lot this weekend as I'm going away, it was her reply that said, why do you need to take any money, aren't you going with your boyfriend? - As she just assumed he'd pay for everything (even though it was my suggestion to go away!) I wondered if I was the only person who thought paying half was fair (bearing in mind she thought it was mad that I'd even consider taking more that about 30quid!)
As for her trying to sabotage my relationship - I can see where you're coming from but I have been very good friends with this girl for over 10 years, she is in a very happy relationship and introduced me to my current boyfriend who has been a very good friend of their family since the kids were toddlers so I sincerely hope she wouldn't be so evil!
No other problem has ever come up in my so far very short relationship, but rest assured that when I was in my previous relationship (for 7 years) I always discussed any issues with my other half first - definitely the best option I think!
I'm glad to hear that...I didn't mean to say that your friend was sabotaging your relationship or anything. It's just that I've had experiences with female friends who did do so, and I've heard enough stories from other women who've had that happen to be a little wary when a friend criticizes a relationship or brings up a problem you haven't previously noticed. Anyway, I didn't mean to question your friend's motives; I'm sure she means well and just has different ideas about how money should be handled within relationships. But I definitely don't think there's anything wrong or weird with you splitting expenses with your guy! I hope you guys have a great weekend away together...sounds like fun!
I think it actually sounds quite mature of you to think this way, when many women stick to these ideas of men having to pay for everything, or the other way round. Its not like he doesn't know how to treat a woman but perhaps he's trying to be overgenerous to you (maybe to impress you?)
As for his drinking, it's a whole different story, and I hope that it dosn't turn into a serious issue, given the high rate of problems and violence related to overdrinking. It would concern me a lot if he takes it as a daily habit.. But as long as he's got a job, this might keep him a bit busy and disciplined. Try not to overdrink with him when you have a little argument (or when his football team is losing !!!!) cause it can really end up ugly with few pints. Otherwise, if it's done moderately, it's actually quite fine and romantic.
Hope that you enjoy this bank holiday and hope that it gets sunnier again
Before my husband and I got married we normally split things evenly as well. Actually, we still do for the most part. He makes slightly more money than me and wants to provide more, and since I'm not expecting him to do so, he doesn't have a problem with it.
In this day and age I believe it has become the norm to go dutch. I suppose if I guy wants to be old fashioned and pay for everything that's his business, but I don't believe it's appropriate to assume that the guy should pay for everything.
The fact that he hasn't had a girlfriend before might cause some issues down the road. But you just have to be patient and allow him to learn the ins and outs of a relationship. Until it's actually a problem, however, I wouldn't waste time worrying about it.
As far as the drinking is concerned. You've only been together 3 months so I would give it a little more time to accurately assess the situation. It might only be a weekend thing and as long as he has his act together it might not be a problem. Just give it some time and see what happens. That's about all you can really do.