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Old 08-23-2005, 10:21 AM   #1
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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DiveDiva HB User
We've both changed and it's not for the best

BF and I have been together for almost 3 years. He was going through a separation when we got together and was really not available to me emotionally. He went back and forth the first year about whether he wanted his marriage or not... mostly for the kids he said. His stbxw made many problems and it really took it's toll. She left the marriage for another man, but was mad I was with him when she finally decided she wanted the marriage (1 year later).

I know I should have left the relationship to let him sort through his issues, but I didn't. It has destroyed a lot of my feelings for him because of how he handled his stbxw and their issues. She attacked me in a grocery store in June 2005 and I had her arrested. So much drama that I have hated.

Now we live together and although the drama of their/his issues is over, I just can't feel what I once felt for him. He has also changed in that he is now overly emotionally available. Most women would love it, but I hate that he always wants to have serious relationship talks... mostly because he's telling me everything I'm not doing to make him happy. At least once a week he gets very depressed and emotional and will cry (sobbing cries) and it's turned me off. I used to love these things about him.

I've always thought we'd be together forever, but lately I can't seem to let go of the past. I think he has an unhealthy love for me... I feel suffocated by his emotions and insecurities.

I fear I'll never get my love back for him. I have been married and divorced twice before and I was never able to regain lost love in those relationships.

I wonder if it's me or him or both of us. He makes me feel like it's all me. We also have major sexual issues, but I posted them on the general sexual issues board.

 
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Old 08-23-2005, 01:24 PM   #2
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netle HB User
Re: We've both changed and it's not for the best

I would find it extremely difficult to have a relationship with someone who was constantly going back and forth between me or his ex. To me, if I'm with someone, that shouldn't be an issue at all. So the start of your relationship wasn't exactly stable to start wtih.

It seems rather obvious to me that your boyfriend wasn't ready for another relationship when you met. The fact that he was still married and so uncertain was a big red flag. More like a big red comforter. He apparantly needs some time to get over his previous marriage and all the melodrama that has happened as a result.

You say you're not really in love with him and you never really get that feeling back. So maybe it's time for both of you to move on and get some space.

 
Old 08-24-2005, 05:30 AM   #3
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Re: We've both changed and it's not for the best

Thanks for your response.

I see now that I should have let our relationship go that first year when he was back and forth. We actually broke up a few times so he could ask her to come home, but she would reject him (she would cry and hint around to getting back together, but when it came down to it she couldn't hurt her then bf and leave him). I thought I was doing the right thing by letting him go each time. After a year, I told him it was the last time I would take him back if he went to her and we've been steady ever since.

After the last time, we were apart 7 days (his memory, my memory says only about 2-3 days). He said during that time he realized he didn't want his marriage and that he wanted me. But he still didn't really 100% give to our relationship.

We had another blow up last night (it's weekly) where he would cry like a baby because he felt I'm not supporting him and he needs help and only my help. I kept telling him he needs counseling because his love for me is unhealthy and suffocating. He gave up joint custody of his boys recently because he wanted to be with me. I think that is just wrong. He says he would have lost them anyway because his stbxw is a SAHM and he's in teh military and the court would have awarded her custody anyway. BUT he never even got that far. He never fought for the custody they've been doing for almost 3 years. The minute he got the paperwork from the court he emailed stbxw and said he would give her full custody and child support.

In doing so, he has no money left (pays 2 women child support) and had to move in with me. I think he tricked me by giving up his joint custody so quickly. It was his wishes all along to move in with me, but he knew I wasn't ready to just do it and would only do it because he was destitute.

I can't handle a grown man wailing the way he does! I told him last night to get a set of balls. He thinks I'm mean and unsupportive. I think he gets mean whenever I voice my likes or dislikes.

We're going in a big circle on a weekly basis. I told him I don't feel like I can be myself anymore... that he always takes things too personal. He refuses to go to counseling because he says he can't talk to people about our issues, that they are between us only.


 
Old 08-24-2005, 05:39 AM   #4
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netle HB User
Re: We've both changed and it's not for the best

Perhaps it would be wise to suggest he move out and gain some independence. He probably needs time alone to get himself together. Right now it just sounds like he's using you for a place to live and to take care of him.

I assume he's not on your lease, so you shouldn't have issues with getting him to leave.

 
Old 08-24-2005, 08:05 AM   #5
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: USA
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DiveDiva HB User
Re: We've both changed and it's not for the best

He can't afford a place. Last night he suggested leaving and I agreed and he said "I could come back the weekends I have my kids" because I assume he'd be living in his van otherwise. I told him there's no way he'd come back the weekends he has kids. I don't have room for his kids as it is.

I am so tired of these weekly emotional talks/arguements/blow outs.

 
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