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Old 08-23-2005, 02:26 PM   #1
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: NY
Posts: 69
nycgirl25 HB User
Unhappy Help

My boyfriend and i of almost three years have been having some problems, it all started bc i got upset bc he told me he was going to south beach with a couple of single friends a couple of weeks ago, i got very upset bc we have never been on a vacation together and as a result of that arguement we decided to take a break. during the break i told him my issues with him ( which are basically that i don't like it that he needs to be out with his friends 2 times a week until whatever hours) that i needed him to be more involved in the relationship in general, his issue was that he felt that i was not trusting him that he was doing nothing wrong and that i should just let him be and that i am only complaining to complain bc he gives me everything he wants etc etc and he loves me and someday wants to marry me etc etc. so about two weeks ago i found out about this girl that he had been hanging out with and confronted him about it he "confessed" everything,says nothing happened between them that they were just friends etc even offered her number so that i could call her, i told him that i did not want to end the relationship but that i neeeded sometime to get over it bc i felt hurt betrayed etc, we had seen each other after that and all was well but not changing the fact of how I feel..

I lost my voice about 4 days ago and have not been able to speak, i went to the doctor where he said that the way that my vocal cords are not closing is a sign of subconsiuous stress and anxiety) and I told him what the doctor said, so i told him this and he asked what was i stressed about i have been distraught since the weekend he was at his friends house and i confronted him with the other girl issue and i told him then that i was hurt and that it would take time for me to not feel like that, I don't think thats a secret and that at the same time.everyone has there own issues to deal w/ in their daily lives, so I try to keep it in perspective that way. There is nothing for me to really complain about, it's just life.
and of course as my luck would have it, he is upset, he told me that he is tired of feeling bad and guilty that he is not asking for my forgiveness and that if he was stressing me so much for us to just not even speak until i decided to be over what i was feeling he is completely being defensive as if i have done something wrong that he thought that i was over all that, he completely flipped it on me i started to say how can i not be upset, i wonder if he kissed her, the disrespect, if he would bring her around his friends, the lack of respect and he said that he was tired of these conversations and to not call him until i got my ****** together and got over what i was feeling
i feel as if he is trying to shift his guilt onto me or something and i am even more stressed now bc all i am asking for is sympathy and instead he is acting as if i were the one that did something wrong

i don't know what else to do...why would he respond like that...i am tired of talking about the same crap too but would the tables have been turned i would never have had reacted that way i would think that him being in the position that he is in would put up with whatever he needed to put up with from me

i have exhausted every avenue to try to make this work and i am tired of trying

any advice would be appreciated

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Old 08-23-2005, 04:45 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,336
Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Help

Sometimes when everything in my life was just kinda going bad - not awful, just never right. And one thing after another.
It always ended up being because I wasn't in the right place. Not where I should be. Or who I should be with.
I can almost guarantee you that even while you may love this guy, he's just not the Right Guy for you. If he was things would be alot smoother...

Old 08-26-2005, 09:31 AM   #3
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: WI
Posts: 135
portrgirl HB User
Re: Help

"i have exhausted every avenue to try to make this work and i am tired of trying"

So stop trying! Stop being the only one who puts something into the relationship. You deserve better.

If you're not able to trust your boyfriend, there's something missing.
Don't you want to, and think you deserve, to be with someone who listens to your feelings and cares about what you think?
Do you feel loved? (It doesn't sound like you do.)
Usually, breaks in a relationship should have been permenant and will eventually lead up to a break-up...

Old 08-27-2005, 07:05 AM   #4
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 152
SayMoo HB User
Re: Help

I understand you're upset and jealous but i think you're over reacting..i mean for gods sakes, he told you nothing happen. If your boyfriend sees you often and he sees his friends too i dont think you need to be complaining. He has every right to see his would you feel if he told you , "darling, i expect you to see your friends only once a week".

He told you that nothing is going on with him and this girl..this girl may have been a friend that was in their group...he cant just tell her "excuse me, can you not hang around us coz my girlfriend is extremely jealous and insecure".

im sorry to be harsh but thats just the way i see're stressing over for nothing

Old 08-28-2005, 01:25 PM   #5
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 320
thghtsreal HB User
Re: Help

If you would like a new boyfriend, just keep doing what you are doing with your present boyfriend and he will leave you.

No person wants to be so controlled. You aren't even married, for goodness sakes. He can't go away with friends, can't spend a few nights a week away from you. You are so over-anxious that He is socializing with others that it is affecting your health! That ain't right, girl. If you thought you were going to get a sympathetic response from him because you lost your voice because of your own self-inflicted anxiety about his rather normal lifestyle - WRONG! A man in his situation would have to see how bizarre and dependant your relationship with him is. It fringes on spooky.

If this guy has any amount of self-respect, he would have to leave you - you give him no choice.

Last edited by thghtsreal; 08-28-2005 at 01:26 PM.

Old 08-28-2005, 04:51 PM   #6
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: California
Posts: 498
ibeeshell HB User
Re: Help

For someone who lost her voice, you still seemed able to fight with your boyfriend a lot! We've all heard of Hyserical Blindness, thanks to HBO, but hysterical laryngitis is a new one!

People need to have seperate lives, as well as lives together. Him wanting to spend time with friends one or two nights a week is NOT the end of the world! I take it you don't go out or spend time with your own set of friends? It is not healthy to center your life soley around your boyfriend and in turn expect the same from him.

ThghtsReal is right, you are on a self destructive path. The girl may very well just be a friend, but your insecurity and wild imagination will drive that man straight to her or any other more mature female.

Old 11-11-2005, 01:53 PM   #7
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 956
GettingWellAgain HB User
Re: Help

Although I do believe that everyone absolutely does need friends, interests, and hobbies outside of their relationship, it sounds like the problem in this poster's relationship is that she and her boyfriend are looking for two different things. It seems like the poster wants more of a serious relationship where activities that promote the "single lifestyle" are not as acceptable. Of course, it shouldn't be that much of a problem in a relationship where there is a ton of trust, but when one isn't feeling like their needs are being met, then insecurity does set in. I think the poster also said something to the effect of her boyfriend being out "all hours of the night" one or two nights a week, which could indeed be very upsetting when you believe(d) you are in a more serious relationship where that kind of thing isn't as acceptable. To the poster: Does your boyfriend hang out with YOU often enough? I'm thinking that you might feel hurt because maybe you don't feel like a priority of your boyfriend's, and you might have also figured that in three years your boyfriend who take you on a vacation before he would go on vacation with single friends. Anyway, although it's never healthy to have to put so much focus, time, and energy into deciphering or fixing a relationship (I've been there!), I understand where you're coming from.
Vestibular problems, CFS, adrenal issues.

Old 11-11-2005, 02:30 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 956
GettingWellAgain HB User
Re: Help

I agree with Daphne in that your significant other/someone you've been dating for THREE YEARS should come before your friends, and it sounds like this poster just feels like her needs aren't being met and that she isn't being put first, as in the situation with the South Beach vacation. Come on, South Beach is famous for partying and hooking up, and although her bf might NEVER cheat, the fact that he is going with single friends to a hookup hotspot might make someone sweat a little bit, especially since things in the relationship aren't going particularly well. It also sounds a little bit like nycgirl's boyfriend IS turning the situation around on her, because it sounds like he wants all the freedom to party all hours of the night and do whatever he wants, and she is actually questioning this now, which makes him mad. Nycgirl, if you and your bf were only dating for a few months it wouldn't be as big a deal, but you guys have been together for three years. I think you have higher expectations and define the relationship differently than your boyfriend does. Maybe he's too immature for the type of relationship you want.
Vestibular problems, CFS, adrenal issues.

Old 11-12-2005, 04:35 AM   #9
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,336
Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Help

And my point that there is a girl out there who wants the party boy and doesn't care whether he wants to spend much one on one time her.

While there is a guy out there who wants to have a couples oriented relationship and spend alot of time with the one he loves.

I think she's just stuck trying to fix a relationship that isn't the right one for her to begin with.

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