I have a bit of a situation and I really don't know what to make of it. I have been friends with a woman for about a year and a half. We are both in our very early thirties and neither of us has ever been married, but she has a boyfriend that she has been with for 8 years. I met her as a customer at my place of employment. It basically started out as most friendships do, just some interesting conversation that over time revealed that we have many like interests and personalities that click. In the last three months, we've started to hang out from time to time. Her boyfirend works evenings on the weekend so many times she has nothing to do on Fri and or Sat nights, so sometimes we get together at a bar or something and she or I will usually bring a friend or two with. It's all innocent enough. Recently though I'm noticing we're communicating more and seem to be hanging out a bit more frequently. Sometimes when she's at work and I happen to be at my PC, we'll have little e-mail conversations back and forth (sometimes for over an hour), nothing heavy, just casual little chit-chat and teasing/picking on eachother. A few people I know who've been around us have said they think she has a crush on me by the way she acts around me sometimes, but I've always been a dead-head when it comes to receiving interest signals from women, so I never really payed attention, I'm always just busy having a good time when we're out. She also rarely says anything about her boyfriend of eight years. Once in awhile she'll bring him up, but it usually something very general. I've never heard her say anything bad about him, but I've never heard her say anyhting good about him either. I've also never met him nor have I had the opportunity to meet him. A couple of my female coworkers have also said that they think she has a crush on me and that they don't think she's very happy in her relationship because she never really talks about this guy. What really made me scratch my head happened a few weeks ago. Her, myself and another friend of mine met up at a outdoor festival and had a blast. That night after we parted ways, she called from her cell phone to say "I had a really good time tonight", which I didn't mind in the least, but it didn't seem like the normal course of action after leaving your buddies at the end of the night. Anyway, I love being friends with this girl and up until quite recently, wouldn't have thought of her any other way. The last few weeks, I've found myself thinking about her more than usual and realizing that we always have such a great time with eachother and get along so well that maybe there could me more than meets the eye going on here. If she was not in a relationship or I knew for sure she was unhappy, I think I would get right to the point with her about 'us', but unless I knew for sure that was the situation, I feel I would be way out of line saying anything. Ugghh! I don't know what I'm supposed to do...
From what you've described, it does sound like she's interested in you. She might be afraid to come out and say it because you've been friends for so long and doesn't want to ruin that. She may only be in her current relationship because when you're with someone for that long, sometimes you need a little motivation to end it.
On the other hand. Maybe she's bored with her current relationship and she believes the grass in greener on the other side. Perhaps she wants to remain in her current relationship while having an affair with you. Or maybe it's all a big misunderstanding and she has no intimate interest.
If you are interested in a romantic relationship with her, why not just ask her how her current relationship is going? Is she happy? Point out that you have noticed that she doesn't really talk about him. You'll be able to get a sense of her situation without putting yourself out there. Depending on how she responds, you could take it further and ask her how she feels about you.
The one thing that's really the big stop sign for me is the long relationship she's in. I would almost feel like I'm ruining a marriage by acting on anything. I really can't stress enough how easy all of this would be if she were single, we just click so well and I'd have no problem whatsoever telling her the way I feel. I've never been in a relationship anywhere near as long as that and I'm having a rough time trying to understand what her situation is like. She's a very outgoing person, but does have her morals and I don't think she would be involved in any other kind of relationship without being honest with her current BF and putting an end to that first. I'll try probing a bit next time she brings up her BF, but I really feel like I shouldn't be talking about any of that to her unless she brings it up. If she's not interested in taking things to another level relationship wise, I would hate for our friendship to be awkward because of me bringing up something that may be out of line.
I really feel like the ball is sort of in her court, because she's the one in a relationship and not me. However, as outgoing as she is, it seems like she can sometimes be shy about things so I'm not sure that me sitting around waiting is going to be of any help. This is SO frustrating!
Well, hopefully she'll bring him up in conversation because from what you said earlier it doesn't sound like she discusses him much. You could leave the question rather vague. Like you're just wondering if everything is going okay, but if she's not comfortable discussing it that's fine too.
Otherwise you can bring up the fact that you need to start looking for a good girlfriend. (even if that's not entirely true.) She might put herself out there if she knows your looking.
Last edited by Geek_Kittie; 08-24-2005 at 08:28 AM.
That's the only way you'll know for sure. She's in a relationship, but not married. If she does get married, your friendship won't be as strong anyway, so you have nothing to lose. Just don't be an a$$ about it. Let her know that you're interested in her, as in, "I want to date you," and see what she says. Acknowledge that she's in a relationship, but explain that you didn't want to pass up something with her because you think there could be something great there. Etc.
Of course, the other option is just leaving it alone. She IS in a relationship and you challenging that in any way, shape or form risks her resenting you for questioning it.
She IS in a relationship and you challenging that in any way, shape or form risks her resenting you for questioning it.
That's the real problem I think. I would love to date her. If she's not interested in dating that's ok with me, I'd still love to be friends with her. She's one of the sweetest people in the world and I have a feeling there'd be no negativity if I did bring up the health of her current relationship, but I still have this strong fear of sticking my nose where it doesn't belong. BTW thanks for all of your guys' input so far! I'm really open to all opinions on this.
If I were you I wouldn't push the issue. I would bottle up whether feelings I have for her and continue being her friend. You wouldn't want this to unfold the wrong way and lose your friendship. Her relationship could be great but just doesn't right talking about her man with other guy. Telling you like her in an inappropriate way could push her away. Even if she's not happy with things in her life at the moment doesn't mean she doesn't want to try and work things out so you pushing up on her might make you confused. You wouldn't want her to see you as being too aggressive especially if thats not a quality she likes in a man.
Relax and just enjoy the time spent with her.
If I were you I wouldn't push the issue. I would bottle up whether feelings I have for her and continue being her friend.
I'm thinkingn that may be the best route here. As I said, I feel the ball is in her court. I really do hate the idea of thinking "what if?" though. It's funny, because I feel this is one of (if not THE) toughest relationship situation I've ever been in. This whole thing just hit me out of the blue a few weeks ago even though we've been friends for awhile.
I wouldn't consider this a relationship situation or let it confuse you, puzzle you, frustrate you, etc. So far nothing she's done seems at all inappropriate in that she wouldn't act the same toward a female friend, unless there are other things you didn't mention. I think you should leave it alone and see what happens...unless she breaks up with her BF of her own accord, I think it would be pretty sleazy to chase after a girl who is already in a relationship. That sort of thing always results in bad karma and 9 times out of 10, people who get involved with someone who's already involved with in a long term, serious relationship end up getting burned when the person leaves them hanging and moves on to someone else. I strongly suggest that you keep everything on a friendly level or even back off a bit if you find yourself falling for her and letting this consume your thoughts. It sounds like you may already be blowing it out of proportion, and your friends aren't helping...remember that they just want to be nice and tell you what you want to hear, but really have no clue what they're talking about unless this girl says something directly to one of them. We've seen far too many instances here of people getting really fixated on a romantic prospect in part because their friends keep encouraging them and egging them on until they start to create a relationship in their minds that doesn't exist, which inevitably results in them ending up hurt and disappointed. I'd hate to see that happen to you, and I think you're headed for heartbreak and trouble if you continue to view her as a realistic dating prospect for you. Now if she ends up single, that's one thing, but as it is, the only smart move is to keep your distance and keep things purely on a friendship level. I'm sorry not to be more encouraging, but take it from someone whose past relationships have overlapped: if she is willing to leave her current boyfriend for you, your days are numbered before she does the exact same thing to you. You can avoid all of these problems and potential disappointments if you stick to pursuing single women...if you have trouble meeting them, ask friends if they know any cool unattached girls or you can always explore the wonderful world of online dating! Sorry not to be more encouraging, but I think this situation is destined to end badly unless something changes before you get involved...
Yeah, I think the only way to go with this is for me to let it be. I wouldn't want to screw up our friendship. It's not worth it.
Regarding the eight year relationship: It is really kind of odd. Everyone I know who knows her says the same thing. She just doesn't really seem that into it. Maybe she feels that she's getting a little older and should try to start settling down? I don't know. Like I said, she doesn't say anything bad about him, but nothing good either. A few times she's told me how she wasn't sure they were compatible for one odd reason or another and was a bit frustrated, but never makes him sound like a bad individual. She is definitely the kind of person who goes by: "If you can't say anything good don't say anything at all", so who knows. You'd really almost have to actually know her for everything I'm saying here to click. It just seems like a bit of an odd situation with her personality and character. I dunno...
Without seeing the two of you together for myself, it would be hard for me to guess whether she wants you to make moves on her or not. It's possible. I personally would never call a female buddy after an evening out just to tell her what a great time I had with her. That's something you do to someone you have romantic designs on. It does sound a little like she's hoping you'll make a move, yet she knows that you know she's involved. I do however question an 8 year relationship that hasn't led to marriage. 8 years is a really really long time to not take things to the next level. I think if you really like this girl and want a romantic relationship with her, you can't just wait for it to magically happen. You're going to have to be proactive in figuring out exactly where her head is at. You could test the waters with a simple little question or comment like "8 years, what's the deal with that? do you picture yourself married with kids one day?" or "wow, 8 years and he still hasn't swept you up and off to the alter?" and see what she says. If you'd rather not get in between them and wait until she ends things of her own accord, then that would be an honorable moral course of action, but you also run the risk of missing an opportunity. She could very well be thinking "well, I really don't want to be with this guy I've been with for 8 years, but the guy at work I really want never showed any interest in me, so I guess 8-year-boy is the best I can do "