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Old 08-23-2005, 09:55 PM   #1
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How to be happier?

I have been feeling sad/depressed about not having a boyfriend, and about not being married and having someone to share my life with, but it's probably best that I don't right now because I really feel like I have nothing much to give. I have realized lately that I am going to have to make some changes in my life. I love helping others, but lately I have felt very drained emotionally. I have always been a good listener and a devoted friend and family member, but I just feel so tired now. I am always the "dependable" one who my friends and family call when they need someone and I always do whatever I can to help (and like I said earlier I really do love to help people), but in return I feel like I get walked on. I think part of it is because I have always been independent and the type of person who takes care of things for other people and lets them know that everything will be ok----and so I think that they think I don't ever need anything because they see me as a strong person who can handle everything.

I know that I am a strong person, but right now I just feel weak. I feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to. I know that I have a lot of people in my life---friends and family---who love me and think a lot of me, but they really just don't understand me at all. They don't understand why I am not married, they don't understand why I don't have a boyfriend, they don't understand why I want to go back to school for something different, and the list just goes on and on. I don't really know what I am trying to say here and I don't really have any particular question to ask. I guess I am just wanting to talk things out and get some advice on what I can do to make my life happier.

 
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Old 08-23-2005, 10:56 PM   #2
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aquatilly HB User
Re: How to be happier?

Just do what you do and don't give a crap what anyone else thinks. If you want to study something else in school, do it. It's your life and you have to stop worrying about pleasing others. Your own personal happiness matters just as much as the people you are constantly making happy. Also why do you think a man or a husband will make you happier? People who are suddenly paralyzed in an accident ending up in wheelchairs regain the same state of happiness before they had before the accident.

 
Old 08-24-2005, 04:54 AM   #3
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thghtsreal HB User
Re: How to be happier?

Read some of the posts by people on this forum who are in miserable relationships. Maybe then you won't feel so bad about being single.

 
Old 08-24-2005, 07:09 AM   #4
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greeneyes100 HB User
Re: How to be happier?

Hi Glamourgirl, I am sorry you are feeling down. I think when you have been without a steady boyfriend for awhile, it can make you somewhat depressed. And, also, you need to learn to say "no" when others ask for help, when you just don't have the time or energy. Even strong people have down times, and I'm one of them. Don't try to deny these feelings, just let them come to surface and feel them. Everyone gets down once in awhile and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

What I sometimes do is simply smile more, and it's actually makes me feel happier! You could try that. Also, I think if you smile more, men will feel less intimated to approach you. Also, do you have an online ad yet? You never did answer.

Just remember you have a lot to offer any man, and sooner or later you WILL MEET that magical man that turns your heart around.

Then next time you go to the grocery store and see men smiling at you, smile and also make some eye contact. Or, you could try to start up a conversation if they are standing in line with you or if they are nearby. As I said before, a lot of men feel intimated by very good looking women, so you might have to be a little less guarded to get a man to approach you.

Hope you are feeling better!

 
Old 08-24-2005, 07:36 AM   #5
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Re: How to be happier?

Hi Glamourgirl! I'm sorry you've been feeling down lately. You know, your feelings are completely normal--I think it's natural to sometimes feel sad or even sorry for yourself when we don't have a partner and others seem to find ones without much effort on their part. My family doesn't understand me, either. They think it's somehow MY fault why I'm not married yet or why nothing works out with every man I date. I know how frustrating it feels! Some of my friends even accused me of being "commitmentphobic" because they just have no other explanation for why I'm still single. That one is the most frustrating of all because it's not true. That's true that there are a lot of people in miserable, dysfunctional, or downdright abusive relationships and comparing yourself with them helps, but only temporarily.

I'm sure you will feel better soon because life is a cycle of ups and downs, and being invited to all these weddings and baby showers doesn't boost your optimism either, so perhaps it's part of the reason why you've been feeling particularly down recently. Being busy does help and keeps your mind off of disturbing or sad thoughts, so as cliche as it sounds, perhaps you could take up a class in something that interests you? It's not a solution to the problem of not having a mate, but it helps and it can bring some joy into your life that you so need right now.

In the meantime, I think you should take GE's suggestion and join a dating service, at least as an experiment for a couple of months. You can always cancel later if you're not satisfied with it. It's really hard to meet people in everyday life situations once you're out of college and once most of your friends are in serious relationships. At least you know the ones online are loooking too; you just have to be careful about weeding out the players and the married/separated ones. What do you say? At the very least, it will boost your confidence to receive emails from a lot of men (as I'm sure you would!) and you never know if some of them might turn out to be really great.

 
Old 08-24-2005, 02:23 PM   #6
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glamourgal HB User
Re: How to be happier?

All I can say is thank you guys so much for your support and encouragement--and for your understanding !! I think the main reason I have been so down lately is because I have felt like I really don't have anyone to talk to or anyone who understands me. I know my problems are very small in the grand scheme of things and that is why I feel silly even trying to talk about them with my friends and family. Last night when I posted, I felt especially down because I had talked to a friend for over an hour and the whole conversation was about her problems and me consoling her, and then after that my mom called and we ended up getting into an arguement----so after that I was just in an extra-down, depressed mood. So thanks so much to all of my friends here for your kindness and understanding ! I appreciate you all so much!! Today has been a lot better day and I do feel happier about my life---it always helps to put things into perspective . I actually feel really excited because my college classes are starting and I really feel like this is a turning point in my life for things to get better !!!!!

 
Old 08-24-2005, 02:40 PM   #7
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Hangin in There HB User
Re: How to be happier?

Glad you're feeling better!

 
Old 08-24-2005, 03:21 PM   #8
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Re: How to be happier?

I think the secret to happiness is doing what you really want, and moving a bit forward every single day. My best friend, who has cancer and is recovering and growing her hair back had this very conversation last night.

SHe is so unhappy--feels stuck. I said so did I, but for different reason--mine being a failed relationship. We were SO surprized at the same feeling of not being able to move forward--even having such different problems--it's all the same. Stagnating makes you unhappy---so consequently moving forward should make you the opposite of unhappy, or "happy!!"

We made a long list together of things, little and huge, that we each could do to feel as if we were moving forward instead of wishing we had our old lives back. Fact was--we weren't going to get our old lives back, they had changed forever.

We listed reading material, fitness goals, quitting smoking, climbing a mountain, a girls vacation with all our friends, yoga, dietary changes,education, and a bunch of other lifestyle changes that I won't go on and on about, but I think you get the picture.

How can I grow as a person??? That's the question. Now, we are 38, and know who we are--but if you don't really know your likes and dislikes--you first have to work on that. I found thru a therapist how to start doing this. It sounded kinda hokie at first--but it really works.

You sit down with a bunch of magazines and a pair of scissors and a large paper. Go thru and cut out ANYTHING that you like. From clothing, to colors, to places, to a shape or font that attracts you. ANything!! Make a collage. Later write out why you like each thing.

You know, everytime someone asked me b4 what my favorite color was, I always said, "I don't have one." Now after doing this, I have NO doubt that my favorite color is red. How did I not know this???

I'm telling you, I found out a lot about myself b/c I took the time to do it. Once you know what you like, you begin to know how to make yourself happy and reward yourself--so no one else has to!! Now that's TRUE happiness. I wish you the best of luck!!

It's a process, and somedays are better than others for me. The more I pay attention to myself, and what I like and need for ME, the less I dwell on the failed relationship and I don't miss him those days. The days I miss him like crazy, and want him back so badly, I know I have been skimping on ME.

 
Old 08-24-2005, 04:28 PM   #9
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laurie864bla HB User
Re: How to be happier?

I just had to write one more thing.....

I just read this online and it cracked me up!!

When your older relatives start asking you why you are not married all the time, and come up to you at weddings and say, "You're next, honey!!" Just start saying the same thing to them at funerals.

HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

 
Old 08-24-2005, 04:29 PM   #10
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: How to be happier?

Oh boy can I relate to your situation. I was single in the seventies AND the eighties.
Finally met the right guy at age 34.
But the years before that???? Oh my. Don't ever feel alone when you're sitting around feeling miserable!! Come on down here and someone is usually online who has been there and done that.
And if you've dated for any period of time yourself, you may find that sharing your stories may help someone here. PLUS, no one here can go on and on about themselves - unless you choose to read it all!

I don't know how I got through all those years from 19 to 34. I had relationships, lots of them over time.
I think what helped was that I learned to be "alone" but not lonely between boyfriends.
I read alot and wrote, volunteered to work lots, remained very close to family and nieces/nephews who became my fill-in kids.

Are you old enough to be feeling the way I was at age 34? Ugh!! Every year at the family picnic someone would ask where the guy was I brought last year, or was I seeing anyone, etc. Every group photo everyone seemed to be a couple except me.
Well, the possibilities for being miserable and single are only surpassed by the possibility of being in a relationship and being miserable (just read some of the other posts like thghtsreal suggested!!!)

Last edited by Ruth6:11; 08-24-2005 at 04:29 PM.

 
Old 08-24-2005, 04:37 PM   #11
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gamecock360 HB User
Re: How to be happier?

I so know how you feel. I recently went through a breakup. I still have my days when I am down but as Ruth and many of my friends say they tell me to enjoy being single since I am only 23.
There are times when I get down and lonely but I am learning to live by myself in my new house and enjoy me and find out more about me. It has been quite an experience. I know later in life I will be glad I had this time.
Hang in there and just know we are all here for you!!

 
Old 08-24-2005, 05:13 PM   #12
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Re: How to be happier?

Hey GG. I am sorry that you are feeling so down. You have gotten alot of great advise and it is true how things will seem down when we don't look forward & seem stuck in our trough of life. Yup....it's a matter of peaks & troughs and the key to it all is remembering that there is yet another peak ahead. You just have to look ahead for it and not get stuck in the trough to be sucked under.

I think that many times we rush through each phase wanting to get to something better and end up missing some important steps along the way. What better way to pass the time than to enjoy what is in front of us at a given time.

Gamecock, you are so young....I didn't get married until I was 28 after two broken engagements and plenty of heartbreaks. And after 18 years of marriage I look back and thank God that I had all of those experiences both the good & the bad which has made me into the person that I am now. I know it probably doesn't comfort you all now as it most likely wouldn't have me at the time, but I can honestly say that all of this is necessary to stregthen us and adi us in personal growth.

Sometimes we think everything is better than the way we have it at any given time when all we have to do is make the best of what we got and realize that it's all leading us to something good and we just have to take the steps in life to get there.

Laurie ~ I really liked your last post....it had me laughing too but wonder who would actually have the guts to say such a thing!!! Thanks for the laugh.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody

 
Old 08-24-2005, 06:23 PM   #13
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gamecock360 HB User
Re: How to be happier?

Quote:
Originally Posted by goody2shuz


Gamecock, you are so young....I didn't get married until I was 28 after two broken engagements and plenty of heartbreaks. And after 18 years of marriage I look back and thank God that I had all of those experiences both the good & the bad which has made me into the person that I am now. I know it probably doesn't comfort you all now as it most likely wouldn't have me at the time, but I can honestly say that all of this is necessary to stregthen us and adi us in personal growth.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody
Thank you so much! I know I am still young and I tend to forget that at times. I know have a lot going for me and I am great catch. Now I just have to have faith that this IS leading me to a great place!

 
Old 08-24-2005, 07:22 PM   #14
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LostMyHeart HB User
Re: How to be happier?

Hi Glamourgal, I'm glad to hear you are feeling better. You are such a sweet girl, who should just never have to feel so down.

Hmmm... we might have to make a pact to try out the online dating thing together. Some of these posts get me curious. Maybe I'll check it out without signing up first (if you do, too!). I feel like I owe you, cause I couldn't take that dare on calling the set up guy with you.
But I have to say my biggest apprehension is posting my pic online for the whole world to know me. Unfortunately, I'm just not an open person. And probably too shy to ever be successful at it.
Of course, they also say you shouldn't date if your heart is with another.
How does one know what to do?


Anyway, keep your head up. Know that you can share your problems with us here whenever you need and let me know when you decide to take the online dating plunge!

 
Old 08-24-2005, 08:27 PM   #15
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Re: How to be happier?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LostMyHeart
But I have to say my biggest apprehension is posting my pic online for the whole world to know me. Unfortunately, I'm just not an open person. And probably too shy to ever be successful at it.
That’s exactly how I am feeling, Lisa. I’m an EXTREMELY private (and shy) person, and I hate to have my picture taken - so forget about posting it online. This is what scares me the most about online dating : the fact that some relative or acquaintance might see my ad. I would never hear the end of it and would feel so humiliated. Because, like it or not, most people still think online dating is for “desperate losers who can’t get any” – or, at the very least, that there must be something really wrong with you or you must be really unattractive if you can’t meet a man the “natural” way.

Just for the heck of it, I checked out a site last night. And, sorry, but all the men looked like serial killers or something. Just a horrible vibe I got, I guess – but it scared me to death. I think I would rather be alone forever, thank you.

But how to be happy this way? Back to the topic of your thread, GG – because I am seriously struggling with that too.

 
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