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Old 08-24-2005, 08:52 AM   #1
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broken_wings HB User
need your help

I have a complecated problem and I do not know from where to start. My husband is having a love relation with some he met during his vacation to dubi. At first I though it was only a summer fever but it turned out to be more than that. They still communicate through email and *** msg. I do not think anything happend between them I mean sexual relation. My issue here is since he came from vacation I did not feel his love ,and I am afraid that the only reason he wants me around is becasue of the kids. I do not know how to solve this problem I feel that I lost him for ever. One of my husband major fantasies is having two women around him and because our religion allow to have four wifes he used to seek to merry another one so I have been in this situation at least 13 times but every time I forgive him and try to get him out of these situation, because I love him and I want to keep the marraige, and also because I used to still feel that he loves me and he cannot live without me. Now I do not feel this any more, beside I am so tired of fighting for his love all the time. I asked him to leave the house I want to stay a way from him for a while, but the kids are upset and they think I am the evil one and they will never understand what I am going through. So I need your advice to help figure out how to handle this situation.

 
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Old 08-24-2005, 09:10 AM   #2
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DiveDiva HB User
Re: need your help

Hi,

How old are your kids? Can you explain that it might not be forever, but you need some time away from the marriage to figure some things out?

It doesn't appear your husband will stop wanting more than one wife since it's okay in your religeon. You have to decide if that's something you can live with or not. It appears that you cannot accept that.

I'm sorry I don't have answers for you and I'm not much help. I wish you all the best.

 
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Old 08-24-2005, 11:12 AM   #3
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broken_wings HB User
Re: need your help

ok, I am a little bit puzzeled , if I want to get back to him for the kids sack ,do I trust him that he will never do this again. He will never put me and the kids a side the minute someone show him intrest!!!. Or just move on with my life and try to forget the passed 16 years of my life with him. First of all my kids are 14 and 15 I do believe that this is a critical age for both of them. But my husband left me with no choices. I do not want to live with him and deep down I know he will leave me the minute my kids are growen and do not need care from me anymore. He might not do that but still I will always have this fear which will stop me from procceding in my life. He is a very nice guy he always care for me but also he took my love for granted, since I forgave him 13 times already , thinking I will forgive him this time, but this time is different he is not trying to get himself out of this situation. I think he mostly think that he still attract women it is the ego thing that he is 43 and still attract women.

 
Old 08-24-2005, 11:16 AM   #4
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whnygoat HB User
Re: need your help

i think you should tell him how you feel, and if he would stop having contact with this woman, if he really did care about you. Also, you could email the person hes having relations with, and tell her your situation. Im sure they would understand.

 
Old 08-24-2005, 11:21 AM   #5
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netle HB User
Re: need your help

You've been through this 13 times. You've allowed him to get away with it each time he hurts you, so why wouldn't he do it again?

 
Old 08-24-2005, 01:21 PM   #6
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broken_wings HB User
Re: need your help

what a man expect from his woman? I gave him everything I am an outgoing person, fun to be with,I am not augly, some times I nag a lot to have things done. I allow him to see other women and also fool around with them as long as I know about it and not behind my back, but what I do not allow him to do to get attached to those women. What else shall I give him to appreciate me and love me the same way I love him. What does he want from me.

 
Old 08-24-2005, 01:50 PM   #7
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Re: need your help

I do not think he cheated on me hounstly. but I know for a fact he has a love relation (non sexual relation) with that woman I knew that because by mistake I reviewed his email and I saw emails back and forth between both of them proving that he is still in touch with here. Also what made me get more upset I asked him when we came back from vacation if he still communicate with her he told no. That the start, Also before he came back from vacation I manage to get her phone number from his cell phone and I called her and told her about the situation and still behind by back still in contact with him. Hounstly this never happend before he used to arrange marriage every year and when he come back to US he realizes that it was a mistake and he break up with them. This time it is different and I have the feeling maybe finaly he found what he wants. Also I am so tired of this whloe none since so I decided to give him time off to think his life over. but I am not sure if I did the right thing for the kids. I am not worried about money or anything, I work in a software company, and make good money I have a house even though it is under both names. Family I have no one her to suppost me emotionally all my family live abroad. So I am all a lone in this that is why I decided to join this group so I can talk to some one. Thanks all for listening, and please advice me.

 
Old 08-24-2005, 02:14 PM   #8
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caput1996 HB Usercaput1996 HB User
Re: need your help

Personally, I think that after the first (or second at the most) time he cheated, you should've been out. But then again, you said that you allow him to see other women. Why is that? Why does he feel he needs to go elsewhere to get what he's looking for?
Obviously, he feels that you can't give him what he needs, so maybe you should just let him go. You or your kids do not deserve to be treated like this. Try to explain it to them as best you can. Trust me, they'll understand and appreciate you for it in the long-run. Good luck!

 
Old 08-24-2005, 02:29 PM   #9
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netle HB User
Re: need your help

Unfortunately when you have an open relationship, that increases the chances of developing emotional attachments to other people. It's hard to avoid when you're being intimate and sometimes it's just a matter of time before someone new comes along.

The need for communication and trust has to be even stronger in such relationships. And from what I can tell, it doesn't sound like that is there. I might be wrong, but it also sounds like the only reason you allow the open relationship is so that he'll stay with you and love you more. And I can't imagine that being very healthy.

I would worry how this would effect the future relationships of your children. It will not benefit them to learn that this is why you treat someone you love.

Last edited by Geek_Kittie; 08-24-2005 at 02:36 PM.

 
Old 08-24-2005, 06:46 PM   #10
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Re: need your help

One thing I keep reading on here in so many posts, is women and men claiming that their spouses/signifigant others are having affairs, yet aren't having SEX.

Of course your husband has had sex if he has been in 13 different extramaritail affairs! You have taken him back each time and forgiven him, so he knows no boundries. He has not had to pay, he has not had to sacrifice for what he has done. Only you have, you have paid dearly with your heart!

If you are so sure he is leaving you as soon as your children are grown, then you have a choice. Either you leave now and try to rebuild your life or stay until your kids reach 18 and use the time to start squirreling some extra money away for your future, so when he leaves you later you are better prepared.

Speaking of your kids, don't you think that they are watching this behavior? They are observing it from both side. They see their Dad disrespect you by having relationships with other women and they see their Mother forgive him time after time. Your children will more than likely carry these values on into their own relationships.

Last edited by ibeeshell; 08-25-2005 at 08:03 AM.

 
Old 08-25-2005, 08:06 AM   #11
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broken_wings HB User
Re: need your help

he called my Yesterday he want to talk. Shall I proceed? I am thinking to call a friend to be wittness is it a good idea to do so. Please advice me. The reason I want to call some one to be a wittness to help me get what I want and for him to take me seriously because he never did take me seriously. Please advice me what to do in this situation. Thanks

 
Old 08-25-2005, 11:51 AM   #12
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broken_wings HB User
Re: need your help

I waited for any one to answer my question but not one did. So I had to go out to lunch with him since we both work in the same company and we talked. I told him about my feelings and I am sick and tired of all this nin sense but he proposed to give him one last chance and to start over hoping he can work on him self and change his behavior. I did not give him an answer yet I told him let me think about it becasue I heard the same words 13 times already and you still do these stupid act. So before I agree to his proposal or disagree I need your help guys to advice me if I can talk him proposal and before I agree to it I need set of rules so he can follow to prevent this from happening. Please relpy to me I am so and heard broken.

 
Old 08-25-2005, 12:04 PM   #13
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eaglesgirl37 HB User
Re: need your help

Please don't take him back...he seems to have completely destroyed your self-esteem. Do you even love him anymore? You deserve so much better, you deserve a man who loves you enough to be faithful and honest and respectful of you. I know that I don't understand your culture or any culture that makes women inferior to men and allows men to do things they would not allow their wives to do, but I still don't think it's fair or has a positive impact on your sense of self-worth. The other posters are right that his disrespectful, shameful behavior is setting a terrible example for the children. I think you should leave him once and for all and find a man who truly loves you and will treat you accordingly. And I am very sorry that you have gone through so much pain and hurt feelings with your husband. Good luck and take good care of yourself, and please vent here whenever you need to. We will be happy to listen and support you no matter what you decide...still, I think you'd be much better off on your own.

 
Old 08-25-2005, 12:07 PM   #14
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netle HB User
Re: need your help

You have enough information from what others have already told you. But you don't need anyone's advice about this. You have all the information in front of you. He has cheated on you numerous times and now you're going to allow him to do it again.

In the end, it's all up to you what to do. Nobody here can make that decision for you.

 
Old 08-25-2005, 01:08 PM   #15
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broken_wings HB User
Re: need your help

I am so confuse right now, my kids are freeking out on me. They think I am bad mommy I pick the wrong time to do that since they are both starting highschool next week and they told me what a bad start what shall I do ? shall I put everything a side and forgive him again for the 14th time? I live for my kids they are the only two people I care about I want them to be happy and successful both are very very good kids I do not want that to change, I worked so hard to raise them very well. They are both A+ students and they love us both. Until now I did not give him my word yet I am still thinking but I am going in a circle around myself ,and I got no where . maybe I need more time to think and I hope I can come up with the right decision for me and for the kids. wish me luck guy. and thanks for all you help. I will keep you posted after I make up my mind. but right now I need some time alone to think.

 
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