I have a complecated problem and I do not know from where to start. My husband is having a love relation with some he met during his vacation to dubi. At first I though it was only a summer fever but it turned out to be more than that. They still communicate through email and *** msg. I do not think anything happend between them I mean sexual relation. My issue here is since he came from vacation I did not feel his love ,and I am afraid that the only reason he wants me around is becasue of the kids. I do not know how to solve this problem I feel that I lost him for ever. One of my husband major fantasies is having two women around him and because our religion allow to have four wifes he used to seek to merry another one so I have been in this situation at least 13 times but every time I forgive him and try to get him out of these situation, because I love him and I want to keep the marraige, and also because I used to still feel that he loves me and he cannot live without me. Now I do not feel this any more, beside I am so tired of fighting for his love all the time. I asked him to leave the house I want to stay a way from him for a while, but the kids are upset and they think I am the evil one and they will never understand what I am going through. So I need your advice to help figure out how to handle this situation.
How old are your kids? Can you explain that it might not be forever, but you need some time away from the marriage to figure some things out?
It doesn't appear your husband will stop wanting more than one wife since it's okay in your religeon. You have to decide if that's something you can live with or not. It appears that you cannot accept that.
I'm sorry I don't have answers for you and I'm not much help. I wish you all the best.
ok, I am a little bit puzzeled , if I want to get back to him for the kids sack ,do I trust him that he will never do this again. He will never put me and the kids a side the minute someone show him intrest!!!. Or just move on with my life and try to forget the passed 16 years of my life with him. First of all my kids are 14 and 15 I do believe that this is a critical age for both of them. But my husband left me with no choices. I do not want to live with him and deep down I know he will leave me the minute my kids are growen and do not need care from me anymore. He might not do that but still I will always have this fear which will stop me from procceding in my life. He is a very nice guy he always care for me but also he took my love for granted, since I forgave him 13 times already , thinking I will forgive him this time, but this time is different he is not trying to get himself out of this situation. I think he mostly think that he still attract women it is the ego thing that he is 43 and still attract women.
i think you should tell him how you feel, and if he would stop having contact with this woman, if he really did care about you. Also, you could email the person hes having relations with, and tell her your situation. Im sure they would understand.
what a man expect from his woman? I gave him everything I am an outgoing person, fun to be with,I am not augly, some times I nag a lot to have things done. I allow him to see other women and also fool around with them as long as I know about it and not behind my back, but what I do not allow him to do to get attached to those women. What else shall I give him to appreciate me and love me the same way I love him. What does he want from me.
I do not think he cheated on me hounstly. but I know for a fact he has a love relation (non sexual relation) with that woman I knew that because by mistake I reviewed his email and I saw emails back and forth between both of them proving that he is still in touch with here. Also what made me get more upset I asked him when we came back from vacation if he still communicate with her he told no. That the start, Also before he came back from vacation I manage to get her phone number from his cell phone and I called her and told her about the situation and still behind by back still in contact with him. Hounstly this never happend before he used to arrange marriage every year and when he come back to US he realizes that it was a mistake and he break up with them. This time it is different and I have the feeling maybe finaly he found what he wants. Also I am so tired of this whloe none since so I decided to give him time off to think his life over. but I am not sure if I did the right thing for the kids. I am not worried about money or anything, I work in a software company, and make good money I have a house even though it is under both names. Family I have no one her to suppost me emotionally all my family live abroad. So I am all a lone in this that is why I decided to join this group so I can talk to some one. Thanks all for listening, and please advice me.
Personally, I think that after the first (or second at the most) time he cheated, you should've been out. But then again, you said that you allow him to see other women. Why is that? Why does he feel he needs to go elsewhere to get what he's looking for?
Obviously, he feels that you can't give him what he needs, so maybe you should just let him go. You or your kids do not deserve to be treated like this. Try to explain it to them as best you can. Trust me, they'll understand and appreciate you for it in the long-run. Good luck!
Unfortunately when you have an open relationship, that increases the chances of developing emotional attachments to other people. It's hard to avoid when you're being intimate and sometimes it's just a matter of time before someone new comes along.
The need for communication and trust has to be even stronger in such relationships. And from what I can tell, it doesn't sound like that is there. I might be wrong, but it also sounds like the only reason you allow the open relationship is so that he'll stay with you and love you more. And I can't imagine that being very healthy.
I would worry how this would effect the future relationships of your children. It will not benefit them to learn that this is why you treat someone you love.
Last edited by Geek_Kittie; 08-24-2005 at 01:36 PM.
One thing I keep reading on here in so many posts, is women and men claiming that their spouses/signifigant others are having affairs, yet aren't having SEX.
Of course your husband has had sex if he has been in 13 different extramaritail affairs! You have taken him back each time and forgiven him, so he knows no boundries. He has not had to pay, he has not had to sacrifice for what he has done. Only you have, you have paid dearly with your heart!
If you are so sure he is leaving you as soon as your children are grown, then you have a choice. Either you leave now and try to rebuild your life or stay until your kids reach 18 and use the time to start squirreling some extra money away for your future, so when he leaves you later you are better prepared.
Speaking of your kids, don't you think that they are watching this behavior? They are observing it from both side. They see their Dad disrespect you by having relationships with other women and they see their Mother forgive him time after time. Your children will more than likely carry these values on into their own relationships.
he called my Yesterday he want to talk. Shall I proceed? I am thinking to call a friend to be wittness is it a good idea to do so. Please advice me. The reason I want to call some one to be a wittness to help me get what I want and for him to take me seriously because he never did take me seriously. Please advice me what to do in this situation. Thanks
I waited for any one to answer my question but not one did. So I had to go out to lunch with him since we both work in the same company and we talked. I told him about my feelings and I am sick and tired of all this nin sense but he proposed to give him one last chance and to start over hoping he can work on him self and change his behavior. I did not give him an answer yet I told him let me think about it becasue I heard the same words 13 times already and you still do these stupid act. So before I agree to his proposal or disagree I need your help guys to advice me if I can talk him proposal and before I agree to it I need set of rules so he can follow to prevent this from happening. Please relpy to me I am so and heard broken.
Please don't take him back...he seems to have completely destroyed your self-esteem. Do you even love him anymore? You deserve so much better, you deserve a man who loves you enough to be faithful and honest and respectful of you. I know that I don't understand your culture or any culture that makes women inferior to men and allows men to do things they would not allow their wives to do, but I still don't think it's fair or has a positive impact on your sense of self-worth. The other posters are right that his disrespectful, shameful behavior is setting a terrible example for the children. I think you should leave him once and for all and find a man who truly loves you and will treat you accordingly. And I am very sorry that you have gone through so much pain and hurt feelings with your husband. Good luck and take good care of yourself, and please vent here whenever you need to. We will be happy to listen and support you no matter what you decide...still, I think you'd be much better off on your own.
You have enough information from what others have already told you. But you don't need anyone's advice about this. You have all the information in front of you. He has cheated on you numerous times and now you're going to allow him to do it again.
In the end, it's all up to you what to do. Nobody here can make that decision for you.
I am so confuse right now, my kids are freeking out on me. They think I am bad mommy I pick the wrong time to do that since they are both starting highschool next week and they told me what a bad start what shall I do ? shall I put everything a side and forgive him again for the 14th time? I live for my kids they are the only two people I care about I want them to be happy and successful both are very very good kids I do not want that to change, I worked so hard to raise them very well. They are both A+ students and they love us both. Until now I did not give him my word yet I am still thinking but I am going in a circle around myself ,and I got no where . maybe I need more time to think and I hope I can come up with the right decision for me and for the kids. wish me luck guy. and thanks for all you help. I will keep you posted after I make up my mind. but right now I need some time alone to think.
ok I thought all night, and I came up to a conclusion is that to try again and give him another chance but that will be it, no more chances and I will make it clear to him that ,it will be the last time. But few questions I need an answer to them before I agree to all that so everything will clear to me if God forben there is another time.
1 - does any one knows if any properties outside the US can be split to half
incase of a devorce?
this is very important question becasue my husband own a piece of land
and an apartment abroad and all under his name only but paid from both
money me and him.
2 - the house we both own her in the US can he sell it without me knowing if
I asked for devorce incase of a next time, and how this will work if I want
to keep the house and pay the moragage from the child support he will
the reason I am asking because he keeps threatening me about selling
the house because he knows I cannot afford to pay the moragage by
myself. I want to know exactly what will be my status in that situation
and he cannot threaten me any more.
please let me know if anyone knows the answer to the above question. thanks.
I am very sorry for the situation you are in. I watched a show recently, about polygamy, and there was an organization on there that I think you should consider contacting. The organization was formed by a group of women that used to be in polygamist relationships. They are called Tapestry against Polygamy and you can find them easily by doing an internet search. They have a hotline you can call that is listed on their frontpage.
Broken Wings, I don't think anyone here knows enough about divorce law in your country to provide reliable answers to your questions, but I do think you need to find out the answers, as those are very important issues to consider when deciding what to do next. Do you know any lawyers you could talk to? If not, I would suggest setting up a meeting with a lawyer specializing in family and divorce law in your country to discuss your options and how you can best protect your financial interests if you do decide to leave him. It's always important to be well-informed, and it's possible that you would benefit by accumulating evidence/records of his past infidelities which could help you get a more favorable divorce settlement. The point here is that knowledge is power and no matter what choices you make, you'll be best equipped to make a smart decision if you gather as much pertinent information as possible. If you don't know how to contact a lawyer in secret, I would take the previous poster's suggestion and seek information from a woman's organization. They should be able to give you some basic legal advice and refer you to a lawyer who will probably consult with you for free and be experienced with situations like yours. The more you know, the more prepared and better informed you will be from now on, and doing research doesn't in anyway limit your options.
As far as your children are concerned, that is a very tough issue. I am sure they love you and want you to be happy, but teenagers can also be very selfish and irrational. It sounds like they have adopted some of their father's disparaging attitudes toward you and tendencies to shirk blame for all his selfish choices and mistakes, instead putting all the blame on you, none of which you rightly deserve. Anyway, while I know your children mean the world to you, ultimately you have to live your own life and make choices based on what is best for you. I'm not saying that they will necessarily understand, however, as it sounds like you come from a culture that isn't big on female independence and empowerment. You do have a right to be happy with your life, but there is no guarantee that your children will be understanding and supportive if you do decide to leave. Unfortunately, teenagers are usually preoccupied with their own drama and consider themselves to be the centers of the universe, so anything you do that disturbs the comfortable lifestyle which they count on for stability and security will probably be perceived as selfish on your part and directly intended to cause them stress and inconvenience. They're probably not at a good age to understand how much ou have sacrified and endured over the years so they could have a happy, stable home life...children aren't so great at appreciating just how much their parents have done for them, often putting their children's interests and wants above their own, until they have more distance, maturity, and objective perspective from which to view the situation. Anyway, I am really sorry you are in such a difficult and painful predicament, and I wish you all the best of luck in figuring out what the best move is and in finding happiness and a sense of peace and contentment again. Ultimately, I think you need to live your life for yourself...you have and always will love your children more than antyhign and sacrifice unconditionally for their happiness, but I'm not sure it's worth compromising on your marriage for them, because I doubt they would even be happy in response, much less appreciate the tremendous personal sacrifice it required from you. Do you think they would understand the situatoin better and be more sympathetic and udnerstanding to your plight if you or someone they trust (an aunt or grandparent?) explained exactly why you are so frustrated and disappointed within your marriage? Or do you want to keep that stuff private or worry that they wouldn't even see your husband's behavior as disrespectful enough to warrant a divorce? I'm not sure exactly how people view divorce and infidelity in your culture...would you mind telling us what nation you live in or maybe at least what part of the world you live in to help us better understand your plight?? I understand if you want to stay completely anonymous too...please never hesitate to come here whenever you need advice, support, encouragement, or just to vent your feelings. We will always be here to listen and help you in any way we can! Please try to educate yourself as much as possible about the different options you have to choose from and think long, hard, and as objectively as possible about what the best choice in the long run for you and your children will be. Remember that life is short and that the most important thing is that you be as happy and feel as loved and respected as possible by those you care about...I will send you all my best wishes and be hoping that everything works out great! My heart goes out to you and I'll think of you often, so please keep us updated and take good care of yourself in the meantime!
I am from a middle eastern culture ( muslim ) an devorce is the big thing in there. Any way the decision I will make will not going to be based on where I come from, I will decide what best for me and my family. But I have not make the final decision yet unless I get some answers to my questions so I will wait until Monday to call a lawyer to help give me some answers then my decision will be base on that. Thanks for all you helps. I was able to express my feeling and let everything out. Since I live alone in this country and I do not have lots of friends to trust I found you guys my bests friends and can tell you everything I want without fear. Thanks again for listening to me. please wish me luck so I can make the right decision.
Wherever you come from, there's absolutely no RIGHT that allows a man to mistreat a woman. This is a mental, emotional, and apparantly material abuse. PLEASE do refuse it. Some men hide their individual values behind what they say are cultural values. I am sure that there are many other men who would NEVER do what he is doing.
If you were to accept him back, make sure that he understands how to respect you and treasure you as an individual, not only as the mum of his kids. If he truely loves his children, he would not expose you and them to all this unnecessary pain . He selfishly and sadly only loves himself and he obviously prioritises his desires to the security of his family. I feel sick of men like him (Sorry if I sound harsh).
You strike me as an educated and INDEPENDENT woman, don't let anyone take this from you. He is too blind to risk losing you. Not sure about other women in his life but many might just see in him a prospect of an easy life. you sound as if you worked so hard on yourself, and it frustrates and annoys me too much that he can't appreciate it.
Wish you luck and I am sure that you will make the right decision. And PLEASE don't lose the pride and confidence that you have to him. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, stay strong and have wings and fly again