I wanted you let everyone know what's been going on in my life the last week. First, I have to give you a little background on the situation. I was seeing someone named Sara. I was/am totally in love with this girl. We had talked about moving in together and getting married. We were absolutely perfect for each other.
Well here's the story. My now ex-girlfriend, Sara, moved here at the end of March. She started seeing this guy who she met on an online chat board before she moved here. Just to let you know she did not move down here for him. She moved here basically for the fitness stuff she was involved in and started talking to him because he lived in Houston. He told her that he was separated from his wife. Also, his wife had a brain tumor, so they were not really "married." Sara is from Massachusetts and up there being separated means you'll be legally divorced in 6 months, so she thought it would be okay to date this guy. They saw each other maybe once a week. Well, after about a month or so, she realized separated in Texas does not mean absolutely getting divorced and this guy was not going to divorce his wife. So, she broke it off.
Well, she started acting weird and was always feeling bad the week before. I called her Wednesday and she said she went to the hospital. She told me she had surgery a few years ago for pre-cancerous cells and she was a little scared. On Thursday, she told me that she was 4 months pregnant with that guys baby. Now, I really do love this girl. We had talked about moving in together and getting married. So, I basically had put all of my feeling and emotions into this relationship. I thought I would be a man and do the right thing. Since I really do love this girl, I went over to her place and told her I would marry her and raise the baby as our own. The only thing was this guy could not be in the picture at all. He would have to sign over parental rights to me and my name would be on the birth certificate as the father. He would also not be involved at all in the baby's life. I made that absolutely clear. She said she would have to talk to him and see what his thoughts are before letting me know, since he is the baby's father. Friday night, Sara and that guy talked about it and he said he wanted to be involved in the baby's life and help her, even though his family would not approve. I told her that I couldn't marry her and be with her if he is still in the picture.
Now, my family helped me out with this decision and this is why I could not marry her if he was still involved. This guy is a real *******. First, he cheats on his wife when she has a brain tumor and he is supposed to be a really religious person. Second, when she told him about being pregnant, the first things he said was "you have to do something about it" implying she get an abortion and then said "are you sure it's mine?" He could had been lying to her from the beginning. He is an ******* and a liar and I just felt it would make things too complicated and difficult in mine and Sara's lives if he was still involved in any capacity. I just couldn't live if I knew he was always going to be around.
Now, even though I put my entire life out there for her, she still chose to have that guy involved just because he's the "father." My family and I were ready to do everything for her and the baby and she chose that guy. My family and I still think it's a huge mistake on her part to make the decision she made. That basically killed me.
So, I broke things off with her and now my head is just absolutely messed up. I just need some support and advice.
With all due respect, if she was really interested in you in the first place she wouldn't have stopped dating you to see him. Furthermore, it's extremely unrealistic to expect the father to stay out of that child's life completely.
Even if she had fully agreed to your wishes, she LEGALLY keep this man away from his child. He may have told her to take care of it, but if he wants to be involved in the child's life that is his decision, not hers. Futhermore, the child would have wanted to see his biological father eventually and you standing in his way would have only caused resentment.
Either way, it's probably a good thing that you did not marry this person. It wouldn't have been a marriage based on love or respect, but of convenience.
Last edited by Geek_Kittie; 08-24-2005 at 10:07 AM.
I think you made the right decision. You offered her something quite reasonable, and she turned it town. I know it's hard when you love someone to let go, but she is not the right person for you. A woman should be able to give her whole heart to a man, not just part of it. If she wants to keep this jerk in her life for the baby's sake, I don't think she is being truthful. The best thing for the baby would be to have one father in his/her life, not two.
You will just need some time to heal from this relationship. There are plenty other women out there who would love to have a kind-hearted man like you in their lives.
Both are good points. Thanks for the advice. I'm just in a healing stage right now. Seems like every minute of the day I miss her. The thing that upsets me most, and I know this is selfish, but I feel she doesn't even care about what she did to me. It's like I didn't even have a relationship with her. I just breath in and out and take it one day at a time. Hopefully, one day I will wake up and she won't be the first thing on my mind.
Ever feel like it's never going to happen for you? That's where I'm at right now.
I definitely think you did the right thing, and the best thing you can do right now is to stick to your guns no matter what! Not too many people would step up and offer what you did, and I agree, it would just never work if both of you are still in the picture. You Are doing the right thing by letting go now, hard as it is.
I know how it feels to give your all to someone, and have to walk away and feel like you never even mattered to that person. It's hard and it hurts, and I'm so sorry you are feeling this right now.
You're a good man, it WILL happen for you. Just have faith. You deserve someone who won't bring this pain.
time will heal it. look at it as a blessing... i think that you'd be miserable with this girl due to the history presented here
Originally Posted by HouTex23
but I feel she doesn't even care about what she did to me.
she doesn't care... that's why you and her aren't happily married and sunning yourselves on a beach in tahiti. don't fall into the trap i fell into and expect her to care, or even look for an appology... even if one comes it leads back to "if she's so sorry why did she do it in the first place". which will drive you insane... trust me
BTW, curiosity got the best of me and I read a thread that she keeps on another site. She is actually seeing this guy now. She has quotes like "my man" refering to him. I keep thinking that maybe she tried to get pregnant on purpose or I was just someone to try and make this guy jealous.
The best way, I think, to get over someone, is to start dating again. It helps get your mind off of the other person, and you might just find a better match for you in the process. Have you ever thought of placing an online ad?
I hope you are feeling better. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but in time, you will start to feel better and better. Do things that make you feel good about yourself.
Last edited by greeneyes100; 08-25-2005 at 07:28 AM.
I actually did meet her through match. I don't meet many women, especially single women, in my life. And I don't see how I'm going to meet anyone anytime soon. I just feel hopeless when it comes to finding that special person.
Also, that's what is making me angry. We just ended this relationship less than a week ago and now she's seeing this guy and I'm by myself. Just doesn't seem fair.
Everyones support is really helping. Thanks. I really appreciate it.
I actually made contact with my ex today. She told me that she is in love with that guy. I just don't understand how someone can say they love someone and actually have feelings for someone else. I feel like I was duped. I feel like an idiot. Here I was pouring my soul into this other person and she was in love with somone else the whole time. What the hell is wrong with people? Are there any normal people in this world?
What happened the week before all of this was she was acting kind of funny around me. So, I knew she would write things on a chat board and I just decided to read it one day. She basically wrote how she had feelings for this guy and wished that things were different so they could be together. This drove me crazy and I asked her about it. She said she actually did have feelings for this guy. I asked her if things were different in his life where he could actually be with her, would she dump me and go with him. She didn't say "No." That's when she began to realize her feelings are still there for him. 3 days later is when all of the things on the first post happened. So, I basically went from having a soulmate to having nothing in about a week. Looks like she got what she wanted.
Why are you still in contact with this woman? I understand that a lot of people want to remain friends after a relationship has ended, but to do so without any kind of time off for healing is simply vacuous. You might as well be scratching at reopening an old wound so it can never scar over.
Personally, it sounds as though this girl has some issues and if you had married her you would have been miserable. Both of you would have been. You should be a little relieved that you dodged such a bullet. How long did you know this woman before you seriously thought about marriage? It sounds as though you really didn't know this person and rushed into it.
I am not sure what you do or what your interests are. But perhaps you should entertain the idea of joining a group activity or church group in which you will meet more women who might share more in common with you.
So was she seeing him the entire time you've known her? Did you know about that? I'm really sorry that this happened; I can totally understand why you're feeling so down and sad. It's a shame that there are people out there who don't think about how their actions could hurt others before they go ahead and indulge whatever they want to do. It doesn't sound like she meant for any of this to happen, if that makes you feel any better, and I'm sure she would have preferred if this could have resolved itself without you getting hurt. Please don't lose faith in people as a whole because one confused and selfish woman has hurt you, and try not to think too far ahead while you're hurting and reeling from all this. It's way too easy to fall into a spiral of depressed, negative thinking about the future when you're going though a difficult period; the best advice I can give you is to concentrate all your focus on the present, just getting through each moment the best you can and forbidding yourself to think about the future. You will find love again, you will find a woman worthy of your trust, and one day you will be so happy that you'll look back and wonder why you ever wasted any tears on this girl. You are much better off without her and another man's baby, but it will take time for you to see that. In the meantime, please don't allow your current state of mind to taint your vision of the future...I know it's hard to meet people, and that many people can be untrustworthy and let us down, but there are still many wonderful women out there who would love to have a chance with a responsible, loving man like you. Online dating worked for you in the past, so when you feel up to it, why not give it another chance? It was the best thing I did after a recent breakup--it provided a big ego boost, kept me busy and my mind occupied, and was a ton of fun. I ended up having a short relationship with a great guy, and now I'm single again and having a blast getting to know new guys. You too will have a great time again and meet lots of other amazing women who will make you forget all about this one...just hang in there, surround yourself with supportive friends and family, take time alone to feel sad and mourn, but also try to keep busy, treat and indulge yourself, have fun, go out, get lots of exercise, and don't drink too much. No matter how lonely and heartbroken you feel now, and how convinced you are that you will never feel happy or find love again, this too shall pass, and everything will work out for the best in the end. Just hang in there and take it one minute at a time, OK? Things WILL get easier and better in time...and vent all you want to your friends here in the meantime!