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Old 08-26-2005, 07:38 AM   #1
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My brother's wife

My brother "John" was married about a year ago to "Jane". (I was his best man). About 3 mos. ago he joined the army. His wife started working at a bar about 15 miles away (during that 3 mos).
So John came back from basic training about 2 weeks ago. My uncle was in the bar that his Jane worked at & caught wind that she was sleeping around on her husband.
So through the grapevine I find out. So what do I do? I went to the bar last night with my girlfriend. I talked to the bartender & found out who Jane was supposedly having an affair with. Guys name is "Matt". I walk over to Matt & tell him I would like to talk to him. I then grabbed a poolstick and shoved in through his mouth & out the back of his head....or thought about it.
We sit down & talk. The guy is so scared the table is shaking from his hands. He said without a doubt he had slept with her about 3-5 times. He also said that she had been whining to him that she wanted to get a divorce, also he knew she was married. He then gives me a letter from her to him.
" Hey, you probley think this is childish for me to right a note but its the only way I can tell you whats on my mind & thats a lot of stuff. I know I shouldn't have these feelings for you. I'm married but you have been the only one since my husband that makes my heart feel this way. Everytime I'm near you my heart starts beating fast.
Right now writing this note you make me feel that way. See my husband don't even make me feel that way any more & thats wronge. I can't tell him cause he's so far away. I still love himbut I'm falling for you fast & hard. My body saying it wants you but my heart is saying no. I don't want you to think I'm leading you on. I'm not, I really like you alot.
When you kissed my ear last night it was all over, I wanted more, alot more. Well you think about what I just wrote you & well talk later
Love "Jane""

So there you go. So I confronted her last night. Of course she denied it all. A lot of things were said (I had been drinking). Thinking back, I wish I'd have kept more cool about the whole thing. She said that they had never slept together (it seemed like she wasn't lying about the sex)

I feel like hell about the whole thing. I feel bad for both of them. I don't know why I feel bad for her. I shouldn't. But I had always liked her & got along great with her.

To make matters worse we have family pictures next Monday!!
Also John leaves for Washington (we're in Michigan) to pick out a house in 2 weeks.

I gave a copy of the letter to my father. He says he is going to show it to her mother & grandmother. I think that that would be a mistake, so I will get the letter back.

How should I act around her?

I think I should tell my brother what I know, then just stay the heck outta the whole messy thing.

It really just saddens me. He decides to be faithful to her, & she does this.

Anybody ever handled a situation like this before?

 
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Old 08-26-2005, 08:08 AM   #2
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Re: My brother's wife

I don't know how you are going to stay out of it, now that everyone in your family will know about it soon. I think you should have kept it between you, your brother and his wife. If your brother and his wife decide to work it out, your family will never look at her the same way. It may eventually lead to more problems with her feeling of being unwelcomed at family events. The family photo, if it is carred out, is going to be an uneasy event now. You have no choice as I see it now. You have to tell your brother..... everything.

Why did you go after the other guy? It was the wife's fault more than the guy. She is the one who is married.The guy may be married as well, but he is somewhat removed from your family. The other guy was just that, a guy, a convenience. If it wasn't him, it would have been someone else she would have cheated with. The guy is not really the problem here.

 
Old 08-26-2005, 08:17 AM   #3
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Re: My brother's wife

1) This is not your problem. It is your brother's problem.

2) This other guy did not cheat on your brother. He was just getting some available tail and had no affilitation or loyalties to your brother. So, neither you nor your brother have any beef with this other guy. Your brother's wife cheated on her husband (your brother), and she has some answering to do.

3) This is between your brother and his wife. You should stay out of it. Being his brother, you have an obligation to tell him about it. After that, stand back and stay out. You can console your brother, but stay out of his business.

 
Old 08-26-2005, 08:32 AM   #4
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Re: My brother's wife

I didn't have a "beef" with the other guy. We just talked, he was shaking because he was just nervous.

Also, the family knew before me.

My brother called, says he heard something about a note & wants to see it during lunch today.

 
Old 08-26-2005, 09:40 AM   #5
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Re: My brother's wife

I think your whole family needs to stay out of it. Don't they have their "own gardens to tend"?
I agree with a previous poster: Tell your brother what you've heard and leave it at that. He's a grown man isn't he? Let him deal with his wife.

 
Old 08-26-2005, 10:15 AM   #6
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Re: My brother's wife

I would find it quite embarrassing to discover that my entire family was discussng such a personal secret about my own marriage while I had no clue.

You might want to approach her one more time and calmly tell her that if she doesn't tell him about this, you will.

 
Old 08-26-2005, 10:24 AM   #7
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Re: My brother's wife

Your brother's wife sounds as if she is in love with her man on the side. But remember the famous saying "everything is not always what it appears to be." I think getting involved in this might put you as monkey in the middle. I would stay behind the scenes as much as possible.

Also it could be possible that the guy is lieing about actually sleeping with her, hence the letter to the other man indicating there was no actual sex involved. This is a tough one, buit I'd advise you to proceed with caution on getting yourself in the middle of this one.

 
Old 08-26-2005, 10:38 AM   #8
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Re: My brother's wife

How strong of a bond do you hold with your brother? I understand that you trying to do this out of the goodness of your heart and you don't want your brother getting hurt. Since this scenario is going on, he will be hurt regardless whether what's going is true or not with his wife and this other guy. He will be hurt by embarassment. His whole family knows about his messed up marriage. Think about it, would you had wanted your "dirty laundry" spreaded through the ears of family members? I don't see how you can make this situation better so just sit back from now on and watch it all unfold. Hopefully it won't be too bad.

 
Old 08-26-2005, 11:11 AM   #9
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Re: My brother's wife

Hey Buddy,

My family is the same way, there is really nothing that is non of our business. We are just close like that, and thats how we like to live. Some people aren't like that, either way is fine. But you have to tell your brother as soon as possible, if he does find out that you knew and didn't say anything, he will be soo ******. Imagine if he knew that about your girlfriend but didn't say anything. Go show him the letter and please let us know. She sounds really sneaky, and while he is away defending our country. Really sad. "land of the free, because of the brave"...

 
Old 08-26-2005, 12:35 PM   #10
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Re: My brother's wife

I agree with some of the other posters, this is between your brother and his wife. Leave the other man alone!

That old school, uneducated choice of gathering the friends or family and beating the innocent guy into a bloody pulp, is really not helping the situation. Therapy and facing the infidelity head on is the better choice.

 
Old 08-26-2005, 01:31 PM   #11
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Re: My brother's wife

I second the route of telling your sister-in-law that either SHE tells your brother or YOU will.
And make sure she knows that everyone in your family already knows - and who does she want your brother to hear it from first, her or one of you??
Ruth

Last edited by Ruth6:11; 08-26-2005 at 06:53 PM.

 
Old 08-26-2005, 04:05 PM   #12
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Re: My brother's wife

im glad you have a close relationship w your brother. im the same way if my sister had a cheating husband or my brother a cheating wife, i would confront the cheater and then tell them that i am telling my brother or sister. now your brother might believe his wife over you, which is normal, but atleast youre doing the right thing by telling him what you "know" i would defiantely want to know asap. as far as sharing the letter w family..... i see you must be close to them but its wrong. let your brother share it if he wants the world to know about his scumbag wife, other wise he may get mad for you sharing his personal life. talk to your brother about it and thats it. i knwo you wanna beat the other guy, but be a better person than he is and just let him know if he ruined a marriage. it is truly more fault then his because the posters here are right, he has no ties to your brother. now if it was his friend doing this, then thats another story...... good luck!

 
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