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Old 08-26-2005, 05:57 PM   #1
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jessica129 HB User
I feel guilty

I met a man online a few months ago. We were supposed to meet this month but got in an arguement and called it off. We're talking again and things are going really great aside from the fact I dont feel anything for him anymore. He sends me (expensive) gifts and spent about $300 on travel expenses arranging for us to meet again next month. I'm horrible at being assertive and telling him I dont feel anything for him anymore partially because i feel obligated to meet him after all the things he's done for me.

Everything he does (he goes on webcam) is starting to irritate me and I only talk to him out of complete boredom. It sounds harsh but I need to be honest. I'm thinking about breaking it off for good but the guilt and knowing i'd be hurting him is preventing me from doing so. I feel obligated to meet him even though I dont really want to.

 
Old 08-26-2005, 09:36 PM   #2
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dsleik HB User
Re: I feel guilty

you shouldnt accept gifts from him especially from someone you barely know.. he will just use that against you and think you owe him what he "wants" i hope he doesnt know where you live, cuz i think you should just stop all contact w him you dont even have to tell him you dont really want to meet. do you trust this guy you never met??? if you meet him it will just be worse especially if you have no feelings for him and he does for you. let us know more details.. age, distance, etc

 
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Old 08-27-2005, 01:32 PM   #3
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Hiya HB User
Re: I feel guilty

Jessica, I don't think anyone needs to tell you how badly things can turn out when you enter into a relationship out of feelings of guilt or obligation rather than genuine affection. I know you feel that not teling him the truth would be sparing his feelings, but I've also struggled with assertiveness all through my life, and one big lesson that I've learned the hard way is that as nice as you think you're being by pulling punches and sugar-coating things, the truth will always come out, and the fact is, not being honest from the getgo always makes things worse. You're not doing this guy any favors by not being honest with him and by making plans to see him out of guilt when you really have no feelings for him. You have every right to lose interest and to not want to see him. You have less of a right to not be up front about it and lead him on and continue to accept gifts from him when you know you don't feel the things he thinks you feel. If it were me, I'd immediately return all the gifts if they were over, say, $20 each, and tell him you just don't see this going anywhere. When you really stop to think about it, being passive and scared is really sort of a selfish way to deal with this. I mean, it's not really fair to make him think he still has a chance and that you still like him and you both are going forward in this relationship just because you're too chicken to tell him the truth. By bein assertive and letting him know now what the real deal is, you're being fair to him AND to yourself.

Last edited by Hiya; 08-27-2005 at 01:33 PM.

 
Old 08-27-2005, 06:02 PM   #4
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redsoxgirl2418 HB Userredsoxgirl2418 HB User
Re: I feel guilty

i can understand how this could happen. You met the guy online, and only communicated with him there. I think that before you meet someone in person, you fill in the unknowns with your own imagination (unintentionally) which can make the person seem very appealing.

In your case, you had an argument with him, and once you were upset with him, all those "unknowns" that you originally saw through rose-colored glasses, became things that you dislike about him.

But in my opinion, neither of these are a fair assessment of what he is really like. You can only figure that out by meeting in person and getting to know him. You should think about whether you would be willing to give him a fair shot.

Now, I think the sending gifts and all that is a bit much, he's coming on too strong. I don't think you're out of line telling him that you feel that way. Tell him you think that's putting a lot of pressure on you and that if you do meet him, you want it to be relaxed, casual, no expectations kind of thing.

 
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