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Old 08-27-2005, 06:50 AM   #1
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In a nasty breakup - heart still keeps breaking...

Since my [URL=http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=314809]previous post[/URL] only a couple of weeks ago, things have moved along significantly and I'm being dragged into sorting out splitting finances and divorce proceedings are underway. Its not a nice experience.

My wife is still adamant on separating both physically and legally asap (as in getting assets split and divorced in a matter of weeks) and I really am finding it hard to come to terms with.

What we've decided so far is that the children will live with me, and she will for the time being rent somewhere fairly close by. She's willing to pay some maintenance, but even with that I'm not going to be able to keep the "family" home...

I asked her last night whether she'd marry again and he words were "yes definately and have more children. I'd love a family"... That just did it for me and I just had to leave the room... She had a family, and shes the one leaving..

I suppose the thing I'm most angry with is that at the moment, I'm the one who is going to be left to look after the children and things will financially be very difficult. She'd have a pay-off (a fairly big lump sum) in cash which is about 40% of the assets, whereas my 60% is tied up in the house which I think will need to be sold as I can't afford to buy her out completely and keep the house. So I'm the one that doesn't want the divorce and is going to be stuck with a quite difficult few years atleast.. My wife on the other hand gets what she wants - a divorce, lots of money and a new life... It really doesn't seem fair.

So I'm "stuck" looking after the children, will have little money where as she won't have the children, quite a lot of money and as shes already expressed that she wants to start a new life, that will be easy for her.

For me, being a "single dad", I love my children more than anything and would do anything for them.. I feel though that me being able to meet a female who wants to take on me and my children is going to be very difficult. Do any females have any thoughts on this?

At the moment, I am quite depressed about this whole thing and I don't have the experience of being through this already to know if this is the norm, but from what I've read, breakups normally happen at a slower rate, e.g. temporary split, see how it goes, then divorce at a later date if there isn't a chance of getting back together. For me, from the point I knew that she wanted to separate, its going to be less than 10 weeks to being legally divorced. Blink and you miss it...

Sorry for waffling, but I'm stuck as to which way to turn at the moment and would value your thoughts and comments. I know that I'll get over this but at the moment, my life has never ever been on such a low.... Not a day goes by at the moment with out something little happening and I just burst into tears - (I'm a modern day man!). Any ideas on how to cope?

 
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Old 08-27-2005, 07:18 AM   #2
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Re: In a nasty breakup - heart still keeps breaking...

This may not be exactly what you have in mind, but the BEST way to cope is to concentrate on your children. The more you focus on them the easier it will be to get thru what is happening to you.

Your children's world is turning upside down and they are young and not equipped to deal with their mother leaving them. To them this is abandonment and they will need all the strength & love you have to keep them psychologically healthy thru this.
They need to know that you love them, and yes - that she loves them, and that their extended family (aunts uncles grandparents etc) are still out there.
They may need counseling - along with you.

Dating should be quite a ways down the road for you - right now it would only mean that your children don't have their mom and now have even less of you.

Think of you and the kids as one unit. You'll help each other out to get to a better place. Evenings will be dinner, homework, a tv show or a trip out for ice cream as a family. "Normal" is a good thing to work towards. A pattern to their evening and days.

I know I haven't talked too much about your own needs. You'll be amazed at how much getting involved in your children's lives will do for you - plus you'll get plenty of other questions & support here!

Last edited by Ruth6:11; 08-27-2005 at 07:19 AM.

 
Old 08-31-2005, 12:07 PM   #3
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Lilly10 HB User
Re: In a nasty breakup - heart still keeps breaking...

Oh Markline I feel for you so much!!!! You sound like a wonderful man! I know what you are going through just as you know what I am going through (except I have no kids). Tonight we are going to discuss the finances that we need to split up and I to feel that I put everything into our life and home and somehow I will be the one worse off in the end. I can "hear" your pain in your words. How can people be so mean and cold I just dont understand because I dont have that in me I just dont and I bet you dont either. You sound like a wonderful dad and I want you to know your kids are so lucky to have you. It is so hard to feel so heartbroken all the time but have to just go forward feeling numb and exhausted! I am here if you need someone!

p.s. As far as meeting someone else and being a single Dad for sure that may be a bit much for some but honestly a lot of woman would have no problem with that at all! I admire single dads and moms!

Last edited by Lilly10; 09-01-2005 at 06:50 AM.

 
Old 08-31-2005, 02:30 PM   #4
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Re: In a nasty breakup - heart still keeps breaking...

I've been in your shoes for a long time now. My wife "went crazy" and became an abusive, mean alcoholic. Then she wanted to break up. We had two babies at the time and all I ever wanted was to be a good husband and father. I did everything I could think of to save the marriage, but she put forth no effort at all. Finally it ended with me saying "Act like your my wife, show me some sort of affection or kindness, or I will leave". She refused to even try. So I had to leave. I kept the kids. She hated being a mother and would not care for them. So anyway, here I was, 22 years old with an 18 month old son and a 3 year old son, single and heartbroken. I can honestly tell you, and you don't want to hear this but it's true, women RUN from single fathers. Let me qualify that. Women RUN from single fathers with more than one small child to care for. During the brief period where I tried to date again I was told many times "You're good looking and a sweet guy, but I'm not ready for a family yet."

Plus you're going to be heartbroken for a very long time. It's been 15 years and it still hurts every single day. You'll end up talking about it to the women you try to meet (at least I did, couldn't help myself). They don't want to hear it. No one really does, but your friends will humor you for a while till you get it off your chest. (mine did) Prospective partners run from that kind of conversation. They run from men with young kids. The ones that don't run may not be the kind you want to have around your kids. So it's a double edged sword.

I threw myself into being "Dad" instead. I didn't try to date for over 10 years. Now the kids have jobs and social lives and I am stuck home with nothing to do and no one to do it with. Every time I try to date I make a fool of myself because I honestly forgot how to interact with adults. Get along great with people ages 7-18, but that just doesn't help any at all.

I don't really have any advice. But I figure knowing what happened to someone else in your situation might help you decide what you want to do. I don't regret giving all my time and attention to my boys, they are really wonderful kids, straight A's, stay out of trouble, do their homework and get raises at their jobs. But I do wish I had spent some time trying to meet people and be a little social. Now it's just so hard. Sometimes I think it's just better to be lonely all the time than try to go through all the aggravation involved in meeting prospective dates. I don't know. I hope it works out better for you.

 
Old 08-31-2005, 02:52 PM   #5
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Re: In a nasty breakup - heart still keeps breaking...

wow! is she having an affair. i wish you could get a little to know me and take a minute or two to read my posted message on my situation, at least so you'll know where im coming from, and so i wont have to rewrite it all over again. i left my husband for the worng reasons and i totally regreted it, but why is she in such a hurry to get a divorce. my husband and i are now working through it (for more info on that refer to my posted message) , its been a nine month long haul, tugging one day at a time. but noone said its easy, but it makes it so much harder whern their arent concrete answers and reasons. when i got back from leaving, my husband then tried to leave me. but i ended up finding out that he was only trying to leave me because he was cheating and wanted to get out before I found out the truth, he said he felt so guilty for cheating that he wanted out very fast so it seemed that he cheated at least when he was out of the house. maybe their is someone else, and she is consciously waiting to pursue something when she's out of the house. but for your part the pain will be the same whether she's home or away. and answering is their a social life after mariage, yes. in the time i split with my husband their is some vibe that you give off that ssays your available, and i tended to get hit on alot, more than when i was married, maybe because i never acknowledged it. is your wife having a personal friendship or confining in another male about your guy's problems. thats how my husband started, and when it got to the next level he nor she had llost control and they both fll to the physical temptations. i can only hope, for your behalf that she isnt cheating, but did you hurt her really bad in the past and maybe she realized she can never get over it? only you know the ins and outs of what happened in your mariage. but mhy husabnd are where we are today because i didnt give up and allow the other woman to rob and burglarized a vulnerable (hurt from when i left him) man. i can only say stay strong, and i know you may not want to do this but give her the ultimatum, if she leaves then she is ending it for you. there is a big difference between "time apart" and a DIVORCE!! put your foot down, she may be enjoying seeong you in pain, but if you show her youre stronger than what she thinks you are, you may be giving her a rude awakening**REALITY CHECK** she's taking you for granted, but in the meantime turn the tables around and dont allow yourself to be at her mercy, let her know you in control. and why are you keeping the kids?? FYI: had i not made it w/ my husband i was totally going to look for a man with kids and previous relationship experience, i think you need to put your kids first!! keep in touch and keep us updated

 
Old 08-31-2005, 05:24 PM   #6
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dewdrop333 HB User
Re: In a nasty breakup - heart still keeps breaking...

I havent posted in a while but I saw yours and I just had to respond.

I am a single parent .. have been single for a little over a year now and I was very fearful of dating again after my grim breakup .. however ..

I was also fearful of ending up alone after my little girl was all grown with a life of her own ..

I can tell you only this .. I would NEVER run from a man with kids .. I thought it would probably be easier for me as a single mom to date a man with kids .. we would have the same kind of situation.

It comes .. slowly and with time .. but as wonderslug mentioned .. you do kind of have to get back on the horse so to speak .. but not just yet for you .. throw yourself into your kids yes .. but at the year mark .. I would say .. grab a friend and go to dinner, join a club, participate in a sport .. do something to meet other people your age ...

It is far from impossible to date a single father, it just isnt time yet. Hang on!
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Old 08-31-2005, 05:43 PM   #7
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Re: In a nasty breakup - heart still keeps breaking...

Prior to my going on disability, I worked as an investigator for child support enforcement. Every state now has one. Go to your local office and put in an application. If you have the children, you have every right to receive child support (just like men pay women child support all the time). They base the amount you receive on her current income and how many children you have. If you get a court order, she will be required to pay as ordered or face jail (eventually). Also, check in to health care for your kids through your state. I think all states have a program set up for parents who are working but cannot afford health insurance for their children. Your immediate future is going to be hard on you. Keep your chin up and be proactive. Don't sit around and let her take and take. You must protect yourself and your children.

 
Old 09-01-2005, 10:42 AM   #8
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Re: In a nasty breakup - heart still keeps breaking...

I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce Marky.

Although now you might think that you are being taken advantages of (don't blame you) ... but @ the end, your beautiful kids are your most valuable assets, I think no one will challenge me for that. Your selfish wife doesn't want the kids & want $$$ (which is quite obvious, @ least I think so anyway), give it to her. You should feel extremely lucky that you get to keep the children under your roof. You will be the dearest dad for them; & all they see of their mum is just a selfish "someone" who left a warm home, with no mercy.

Life is tough. But brace yourself.

& I disagree with you: - I imagine a lot of women would find divorce men attractive. Because they are more muture, they are more experienced in a lot of ways, & they are so loving & caring. A handsome single dad bringing up 2 kids, it doesn't really sound that bad. Trust me.

Best of Luck.

 
Old 09-01-2005, 01:09 PM   #9
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Re: In a nasty breakup - heart still keeps breaking...

"I disagree with you: - I imagine a lot of women would find divorce men attractive. Because they are more muture, they are more experienced in a lot of ways, & they are so loving & caring. A handsome single dad bringing up 2 kids, it doesn't really sound that bad. Trust me."

I lived it. I know. They run. At least when you are 22-26 they do. I quit trying after that. Go out with a baby in your arms and women flock to you to ask about it. Go out with 2 toddlers yelling and belling everywhere and they look at you like your crazy. Maybe things have changed since the mid nineties. Maybe it's just in the Charlotte area (I have found women here to be shallow and materialistic, or just plain nuts). Maybe it was just me. I don't think it was me. I had no problem getting dates before I got married. I have never heard tell of a female who thought I was unattractive. I am poor. Maybe that's it. You gotta be rich and if you have kids. I don't know. I do know that when my kids were small it was like I had a huge sign on me that said "RUN AWAY!!". Of course, now that my kids are often mistaken for my brothers it's no longer a problem. The problem now lies in self confidence lost over the decade I spent being "Super dad". They flirt like crazy with me. I just can't seem to take it any further. Yet.

 
Old 09-01-2005, 01:34 PM   #10
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Re: In a nasty breakup - heart still keeps breaking...

Well this has turned out to be two fold ..

Okie .. I was a single mom at 26 ... with a one year old .. do you think men looked at me and saw a hot chick they wanted to date ..NO.. they saw exactly what I am .. I am an instant family .. I am the embodiement of commitment ..

The fact is that there are women out there that would be happy to walk into a family .. happy to have little kids to love ... I am so sorry that you didnt find one yet .. but that doenst mean that there arent any ...

There is so much a single parent can do theese days .. groups for single parents where you kids can hang out and get some social interaction and parents can meet others in their situation ..

Don't lose hope .. and okie ... maybe it is your area .. try either getting involved in an activity ... or online date .. all is not lost!!

This can be done .. lots of people have children from previous relationships .. you are truly not alone on this one.
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Old 09-01-2005, 04:00 PM   #11
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Re: In a nasty breakup - heart still keeps breaking...

I agree with dew drop. Not only are there plenty of other single parents out there not everyone would run from a single dad/mom. I dont have kids and I would not rule out the option of being involved with a man who does. Yes I would understand that this man has children and no matter what they come first. I do think that it takes a mature person to take on such a relationship.

Last edited by Lilly10; 09-01-2005 at 04:01 PM.

 
Old 09-03-2005, 06:32 AM   #12
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markline HB User
Re: In a nasty breakup - heart still keeps breaking...

I would like to really thank you all for your comments and experiences with my situation. Some of the posts made me smile which is a first for a while.

Although things are still moving along very quickly, whats been written above has really helped me to look positively to the future...

I suspect that I'll be back here looking for more advice as things crop up, but I'm also going to try and give back as much as I can..

Thanks again to you all!

 
Old 09-12-2005, 02:18 PM   #13
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Re: In a nasty breakup - heart still keeps breaking...

The important thing to remember is her loss is your gain. You have two wonderful children with whom you are going to have the privilege of raising and shaping into adults. Yes, it is going to be a HUGE amount of work, but your soon to be exwife is walking away from all that. you need to ask yourself what kind of person would walk away from children she carried inside her for 9 months. If you ask me it takes a very "special" kind of person---and I do not mean that in a nice way. It is completely unfathomable to me how she could do that. Remember, the kids are number 1 priority. You most certainly do not want them growing up with abandoment and insecurity issues. I definitely recommend counseling for all you, it is going to be hard for you to explain what is happening and why when you don't know yourself. Dating will come with time....the BIG thing to remember is you will need to shelter your children from any "dates" you have. You should not have them interact with your children until you KNOW them better and feel the relationship is going forward. It is BAD and will really negatively affect your children to have women in and out of their lives. That is just going to add to the trust and abandoment issues they are sure to have if you don't get professional counseling. Best of luck and keep your chin up, it will all work out and you most certainly are BETTER off without that woman in your life.

 
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