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Old 08-27-2005, 05:17 PM   #1
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Banana Split HB User
Speaking of breaking up....

Well, after giving it much thought and changing the wording several times, I sent the letter to my boyfriend breaking up with him. I know most of you didn't agree with me doing it like that, but I feel it was the best way for me. I was going to have him come over and give him the letter in person. When I talked to him the other day, I told him I'd like him to come over Saturday so we could discuss something. Maybe he knew something was up...he began changing the subject, "My leg has been really bothering me...", etc. He would have probably done the same thing in person, trying to get sympathy so I might change my mind. I decided to just mail the letter and get it over with. He probably got it Friday. I feel relieved like a weight has been lifted off of me.

 
Old 08-27-2005, 06:04 PM   #2
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Re: Speaking of breaking up....

well at least the weight is lifted off of your shoulders. but what if he acts like he never received the letter?

 
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Old 08-27-2005, 06:34 PM   #3
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Re: Speaking of breaking up....

Well, I haven't heard from him so that means he got it and is probably reading it over and doing a lot of thinking. If he was going to act like he never got it, he would have called like usual. The fact that he didn't call yesterday or today means he got it.

 
Old 08-28-2005, 06:12 PM   #4
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Re: Speaking of breaking up....

I'm glad you got it over with and that you feel good about your decision. Breaking up isn't easy, no matter how you do it. Even if Miss Manners wouldn't agree, I don't think you did wrong by sending a carefully thought out letter. It's certainly kinder than just hanging up on him when he calls.

 
Old 08-28-2005, 08:34 PM   #5
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Freestyles HB User
Re: Speaking of breaking up....

As much as I feel for this guy, There is no sense in either one of you being stuck in a relationship with no hope of a future together.. Hopefully he'll come to realize that although this didn't work out, he is capable of being loved.

Is there any hope that you two will still be friends? He'll probably need some positive re-enforcement to come to this realization.

FS

 
Old 08-28-2005, 08:47 PM   #6
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Re: Speaking of breaking up....

I told him I'd be glad to remain friends with him, but he hasn't called.

 
Old 08-28-2005, 09:12 PM   #7
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Re: Speaking of breaking up....

Being he's an insecure person I doubt he'll want to remain friends.

 
Old 08-28-2005, 09:55 PM   #8
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Re: Speaking of breaking up....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Banana Split
I told him I'd be glad to remain friends with him, but he hasn't called.
I think it's a good idea if you just let it be. Personally, I feel it's a very very rare situation when lovers can part as friends. It just gets messy and causes more hurt feelings, and someone always has an agenda. I think exes that stay friends are kidding themselves, unless they have to be civil and keep a relationship for any kids that may be involved. He's out of your life like you wanted, he needs to heal and get over you, so let him.

 
Old 08-28-2005, 11:08 PM   #9
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Re: Speaking of breaking up....

I honestly disagree with the way you did it. You could have done this face to face no matter what excuses he comes up with. Having going through a breakup, it's just hard. How would you feel if he sent you the letter? I just think it was wrong. Yes, the weight is off your shoulders, but how do you think he feels right now? Not a very good feeling.

 
Old 08-28-2005, 11:21 PM   #10
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Re: Speaking of breaking up....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hangin in There
I'm glad you got it over with and that you feel good about your decision. Breaking up isn't easy, no matter how you do it. Even if Miss Manners wouldn't agree, I don't think you did wrong by sending a carefully thought out letter. It's certainly kinder than just hanging up on him when he calls.
HIT, you crack me up! I laughed for about five minutes thinking about what Miss Manners would think of the good old "hang up on him whenever he calls" approach. Banana, I'm happy for you that you finally set things to rest and that you feel so relieved...I remember how good it feels to have that weight lifted off your shoulders and be free of a relationship that was dragging you down and stressing you out! Cindy, I understand where you're coming from, but there was some background to this story that in my opinion makes Banana's decision more understandable...for instance, her ex deliberately deceived her about having his leg amputated for almost a year and outright refused to have any sort of sexual intimacy with her. I agree that ideally, breakups should be done in person, but Banana was having a hard time actually doing it and knew she wouldn't be able to get out all her thoughts and feelings so he could truly understand where she was coming from. She thought he wouldn't listen and would interrupt, trying to change her mind, rather than hearing her out and respecting her decision. So when it came down to a choice between sending the letter and providing him with a thorough, detailed explanation of her rationale and dragging out the relationship indefinitely while pulling away but leaving him hanging on cluelessly, I actually think it was more mature and humane to end things by letter. I'd be interested to know what you think if you read her past threads, especially having gone through a recent breakup yourself. I think the topic of how to best handle breakups is really interesting, especially since people have such widely differing perspectives depending on their personal experiences with the subject. As for Banana's case, I'm happy for her that it's finally over and behind her and what's done is done now...at least he's not still hanging on, under the mistaken impression that he has a chance. I do think it's always better to end things once and for all quickly, rather than drag out a breakup over a prolonged, painful stretch of time. And there are worse methods of dumping someone than a long, heartfelt letter, like by email or voicemail, and of course, the dreaded hanging up on him when he calls method, lol! I just love that!

 
Old 08-29-2005, 01:14 AM   #11
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Re: Speaking of breaking up....

Quote:
Originally Posted by eaglesgirl37
but there was some background to this story that in my opinion makes Banana's decision more understandable...for instance, her ex deliberately deceived her about having his leg amputated for almost a year and outright refused to have any sort of sexual intimacy with her. D
what does that have to do with common decency. she could have got her thoughts out by handing him the letter and remaining there while he read it. remember at least half our effective communication is through non verbal cues.

that's why people are misconstrued on the net so often, and why if she was there, he'd have a better understanding of the "tone" of the letter. but that's my opinion.

the girl i'm seeing now told me something last night that made me step back and really think. she said that before she acts she doesn't imagine what it'd be like to be on the recieving end of the action, but how she'd feel if her best friend was on the recieving end... because we quite often put up with things ourselves that we shouldn;t, but are extremely protective of those nearest an dearest.

so those advocating the breakup letter, how would you feel if your best friend, or closest sibling was given a "dear john" letter after over a year in a relationship, when there was no real reason it couldn't be done face to face (i.e. no abuse).

as for worse ways to be broken up with i agree... try being emailed by your fiance the day after you leave to go into the remote deserts in australia for 2 weeks... now she thought that due to my location, i wouldn't have net access, so that she'd have her concious clear and could start the "healing/ rebound/ dating" process, and have two weeks before she would hear from me for a WHAT THE?

twist of fate was that the night she sent the email we were staying on a cattle station with satelite internet

 
Old 08-29-2005, 05:52 AM   #12
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Re: Speaking of breaking up....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hangin in There
I'm glad you got it over with and that you feel good about your decision. Breaking up isn't easy, no matter how you do it. Even if Miss Manners wouldn't agree, I don't think you did wrong by sending a carefully thought out letter. It's certainly kinder than just hanging up on him when he calls.

It has nothing to do with Miss Manners - It's about respect - I don't think breaking up with someone via a letter shows much respect. It's shows how much of a coward someone is. Sorry Banana, I don't mean to sound so harsh, but if someone broke up with me in a letter, I would think nothing more of them than a coward.

Last edited by susieq0726; 08-29-2005 at 08:22 AM.

 
Old 08-29-2005, 06:10 AM   #13
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Re: Speaking of breaking up....

Hi Mada, what I meant by that is that I think lying to her about a variety of important things shows a lot less respect and common decency than breaking up with him by letter. It also sounds like he forced her into it by refusing to discuss any significant issues that arose within their relationship to the point where she knew she wouldn't be able to express her reasoning without being interrupted and continually challenged. Susie, I do agree that it's ideal to end relationships in person, but what's done is done, and I don't think it does much good to criticize something she can't change at this point. It would be one thing if Banana was planning on going through life dumping men without facing them in person, but I don't think this one instance was really that big a deal. He's better off hearing everything she was thinking and learning the truth sooner rather than if she waited to tell him in person and ended up stringing him along for weeks while he was dead in the water until she got up her nerve to cut the cord. Anyway, sometimes life doesn't work out as it would and should ideally, but I don't think this is anything to dwell on or beat yourself up about, Banana. At least you had the respect for your ex to be completely honest and upfront with him throughout the relationship, while he didn't show you hardly any consideration by doing the same for you. I would just chalk this one up to a lesson learned, try to discuss important relationship issues in person from now on, and continue being as honest and open with others as possible. I'm happy for you to have finally gotten out from under the weight of a relationship your ex built on lies, omissions, deceit, and avoidance...congratulations on ending it once and for all and try not to let other people's opinions get to you at this point. All you can do is try to treat people with kindness and dignity whenever possible, but ultimately your own happiness and emotional well-being needs to come before what other people think or want.

 
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