Ok I spoke to the girl again and it turns out he confessed to her and she said he's giving him another shot, so now I know this is my time to exit the situation. I'm officially wiping my hands of him. It's over. Time to move on. Thanks for all your help.
Last edited by beshybee123; 08-28-2005 at 11:11 AM.
Yeah, mada is right...this is completely unhealthy and this situation will never make you happy or bring you anything but confusion or frustration. You need to cut this guy out of your life once and for all...if you would have done so back when everyone told you he was a selfish bad news liar, you wouldn't have to deal with this whole mess now. I feel badly for you and his GF, but at least you have the ability to easily extricate yourself from the situation and refuse to talk to him ever again. I don't mean to be harsh, but I think you were deluding yourself when you thought you could continue to have him in your life just as a friend...it's clear that your feelings for him go far beyond platonic friendship, but that those feelings will never be reciprocated. I can understand why you didn't want to cut off all communication with him because you care for him and had hope that somehow things might work out, but that is clearly never going to happen. The longer you allow him to be part of your life, the more pain and frustration he will cause you and the harder time you will have moving on and finding a guy who is actually interested in being with you. This guy is completely self-absorbed and incapable of being honest or considerate with anyone...the sooner you realize he is toxic and will never have any sort of positive impact on your life, the happier and better off you will be. It would be really sad if you continued to let him lie to you and disrespect you, getting nothing whatsoever in return from him, and weren't able to let go and move on with your life. This guy is only keeping you stuck in the past and I can't see how he isn't negatively affecting your self-esteem...please let go and don't become one of those chronically miserable people who spend their lives mourning and longing for someone who couldn't care less, someone who only cares about himself and ignores how he leaves women perpetually confused and miserable wherever he goes. You deserve so much better...there is no advantage whatsoever to allowing him to play any part in your life from now on, and I really hope you are able to muster your dignity and self-respect to the point where you can make the right decision and cut him off for good. Good luck!
It appears that this girl had a suspicion that something was going on between you and her boyfriend and thats why she contacted you. There's nothing bizzare about that.
What I don't understand is why you feel that you have to post on her behalf. She seems pretty savy to me seeing that she got you to admit to sleeping with her boyfriend.
Please tell me what you are getting from being in the middle of this situation. Why do you care what goes on between them? Why are you talking to his woman? First you sleep with him, now you care about their relationship. Of course he wouldn't tell you the truth about his woman. You don't know if she's crazy but you do know that he is a liar.
Its easy for you to see what he is doing to her but do you realize that he is manipulating you too?
I guess great minds think alike --now please don't go off giving crazy advice and making me look silly! But seriously, I think this situation is pretty clearcut, and hopefully Loraluv will see how unhealthy it is to stay involved in this guy's warped world full of lies and manipulation...whenever a situation here gets such a uniform consensus of replies, it's a good sign that there's only one smart decision to be made. No one here has any agenda except to see the other posters happy and fulfilled.
Thank you for all of your responses. You are all absolutely right and I have cut him off completely and have told him as much. I am more ****** right now at what he's doing to this girl. I hooked up with him before I knew how seriously involved he was with her. I know it's not my business and I should disinvolve myself from the situation immediately but I honestly feel bad for the girl now. But you guys are right. It's all out in the open so let the girl deal with it now. I wish I had never gotten caught up in this situation because I was doing fine prior to this. I was happy, dating, etc. And even though I kept him on as a friend, I've barely even spoken to him in the last few months. So I guess the consensus here is that I should cut off the girl as well. It's going to be hard because she really does seem nice and I do want to do know how things turn out, but I guess you guys are right. Thanks again for the replies.
Hey guys I'm back. I spoke to the girl for the last time and now she says she is planning on leaving him because he didn't tell the truth about everything. He still continued to lie. After she told me I told her I couldn't be involved in the situation anymore and I told myself that I'm cutting off both of them completely. It has just hit me now all of the trouble that I have caused and am scared of what my ex might do. I am petrified as I don't know what he is capable of. I am sure he will be angry with me for getting involved in this situation, but it honestly wasn't something I planned on doing. Things just started coming out and before I knew it, it was too late. Everything had come out. Was I wrong for ratting out my ex to his girlfriend? Did I act to hastily? I'm scared. I need some support. Thanks.
Please don't get yourself all stressed out over this. You have done nothing wrong and there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty or worried about the repercussions of you being honest and finally resolving to cut that lying loser out of your life once and for all. Please, please stick to that pledge and never speak to him, email him, or write him again, for your own safety as well as your sanity. Remember that everything happens for a reason and turns out for the best in the end, and this whole ordeal with this guy is just a bumpy patch in your journey toward finding happiness and lasting love. I truly believe that, and considering this situation through that lens, perhaps it turned out as it did so that you would refrain from ever allowing this man to play a role in your life ever again. I believe he has been a profoundly negative influence on you for the past two years, yet fed you just enough crumbs of hope to keep you hanging on and hoping he’d suddenly do a drastic turnaround and love you passionately, wholeheartedly, and consistently. Instead, he did little other than lie to you, manipulate you, and use you just as he’s used every other woman in his life; I almost feel sorry for someone so incapable of unselfish, fully committed love, but not quite because he has stubbornly kept you hanging onto him in lieu of finding this kind of love which you and every other woman both wants and deserves. I know that sounds cheesy, but I do think it's true, and I hate to see you unnecessarily worried if there's no reason for you to feel concerned. But you definitely need to immediately cut off any and all contact with your ex AND his GF—please realize that any further contact could put you in serious emotional and potentially even physical jeopardy. This is an extremely volatile, toxic situation that must be avoided at all costs, OK? Has your ex ever given you any reason to think he could become violent--has he screamed and ranted at you, called you names, insulted you and put you down, acted excessively controlling, jealous, and possessive, lashed out at walls or objects when he gets angry, or otherwise has shown that he has a tough time keeping his temper in check? I would strongly suggest you do some online research on domestic violence if you feel you have any reason to be concerned; there are also some great threads here as far as how to recognize a violent man and avoid letting conflicts develop with him and get out of control.
I think you should also call a domestic violence hotline; it would help calm and reassure you to be able to vent to someone objective and trained to help in such situations. A hotline staffer would also be able to help you evaluate whether you have anything to fear from your ex. Hopefully his GF will stick to her guns and end her relationship with him ASAP--once this crucial window passes, the chances of your ex freaking out and doing something crazy should decline substantially. I really think you should give a domestic violence hotline a call also because you would really benefit if they could refer you to a counselor in your area. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I think you could use some professional, experienced help to work your way through the aftermath of this destructive, unhealthy situation which couldn't have made you feel very confident in yourself, your taste in men, and your relationship building skills. It's really important that you be able to vent all the feelings you have about the end of this relationship (of course we will always be here for you too, eager to listen and support you in whatever ways we can). Most importantly, you need to work really hard at recognizing and accepting that what happened was not your fault, that this doesn't reflect negatively on your worth as an individual and as a loving partner, that you will be just fine and have no trouble forming a healthy, committed relationship when the right, very lucky guy for you comes along . Take care and hang in there, OK? And please keep us up to date and vent here whenever you start thinking about him, especially if you start tninking about BIlly.
Thank you eaglesgirl. I actually feel a lot calmer today and relieved that this situation has come to an end. I have made a vow to no longer contact either my ex or his G/F and have told them both as much. Now the scared feelings are coming back to haunt me though. If she does stick to her guns and leave him, he could potentially blame this all on me, even though it is not my fault. He's the one who screwed up. He's never had a history of violent behavior with me, but I know he's told me some stories where he's lost his temper and became so violent it made him crazy and he's lost all touch with reality. This is what scares me. So I know that he is completely capable of violent behavior. I honestly wish that none of this has ever happened and that the GF never IM'd me, or that at least I never responded. Maybe I'll give the domestic violence hotline a try. Thank you again. Do you really think I have something to be afraid of?
Last edited by beshybee123; 08-29-2005 at 09:57 AM.
I don't really think you should be afraid, but on the other hand, it's better to be wary and safe than overly optimistic and end up sorry. I don't know enough about your situation and your ex to give you a definite answer on that, which is why I think it would be a really smart move for you to call a domestic violence hotline. Even if they can't reassure you definitively one way or another, I still think it would help make you feel calmer, more empowered, and more in control of the situation to talk it through with someone who is well-trained and extremely experienced in dealing counseling women with erratic, potentially dangerous boyfriends and exes. The more opportunities you take to talk your feelings through, get some perspective on the situation, and therefore see for yourself just how essential it is that you free yourself of this situation once and for all. These hotlines are free and completely confidential, and I believe that you would feel a lot better after talking to someone there: if they tell you not to worry (because after all, isn't he living some distance away from you anyway?), you can feel relieved and if they tell you to be wary and keep your guard up, you can feel better informed and more in control of the situation. The counselor could also help you determine which signs to watch out for, when to get the police involved, and what steps you can take to protect yourself. I think you're smart to be a bit concerned; it's very important to listen to your instincts when they indicate that you are in danger, especially when the threat comes from someone who has shown sociopathic tendencies (like pathological lying and manipulating everyone around him with no guilt or remorse for this behavior). Please look up a domestic violence hotline online and talk through this with a trained professional...they can help empower you, make you feel less scared, give you the information and tools you need to best ensure your well-being and safety, and even provide you with a referral to a therapist especially trained in such issues to help you in your area if necessary. The important thing is to stay strong, stay alert, trust your gut instincts, don't worry about being silly for wanting to be extra cautious, and find a healthy outlet for the confusion, sadness, and fear you must be strugglling with...we are always here for you, honey, but there are other resources you can take advantage for more immediate, professionally trained, one-on-one help, and I do hope you take advantage of those options. Please take good care of yourself and keep us posted!