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Old 08-28-2005, 05:34 AM   #1
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themightyzim HB User
Unhappy Very upset, don't know what to do.

Hihi,

I've been with a girl for six months now; from the moment I *saw* her I knew I had to be with her - I was in love from word go, absolutely-never-felt-like-that-before-soul-mate - but it took another six months for her to kinda see me the same as I saw her (in the meanwhile she broke my heart on a nearly daily basis; and as far as I can see - is only with me because this other guy she met up with didn't work out). But anyway; we're perfectly matched for each other - people say we're like brother and sister.

But so much goes on that tears me apart. I know I'm not just not used to a long term relationship like this; my last (really short) relationship ended with me being cheated on twice. And perhaps I'm still strung up about that, but I don't know. It feels like we're on different playing fields; whatever she says to me about loving me as much I do her (not to mention the first time I told her I loved her; she just shuffled and said nothing..) - it just feels like to her I'm just an easily replaceable boyfriend. Blah. She once told me she lost her virginity with me (and mine with her) because she was (like me) saving it for someone she was serious about; but recently she came out with that she only didn't sleep with her last boyfriend because she thought she might catch something.

I could probably make a list; I constantly am in my head. We live quite far apart, we see each other a lot (although a lot less recently - blamed on her Mum - but when I ask her when I can see her next; it always (everytime) turns out she hasn't even bothered asking yet) - but rely on interweb and texting. Chatting online I might aswell be ignored; I can send practically essay-sized-messages, lots of questions (and not just for the sake of asking questions); and no matter what - I just get "hehe :P" and so on sent back to me. But yet she's constantly having convos with everybody else; and seemingly putting some effort into them.

With texts I'm lucky if I get a reply anytime soon. Yet I've been with her when the guy (mentioned above as the one she "tried" before me) has texted her; and she grabs her phone and giggles and squeals (ignoring me) and replies straight away and does this constantly.

Either with her or online; I'm constantly being told how much she fancies everybody else, everything about her exs (and how seemingly everybody is an ex), am ignored for whole-20-minute-blocks when someone cute comes on the TV (I get to watch her back), people being pointed out in the street to me, she spends all her time on FaceParty looking at anybody cute who's visited her profile (on which she doesn't even call me by name; infact - I'm referred to with PIG termonology; woo!). I have no self confidence at all; and despite the times I've actually been worked down by her enough to blurt out how this makes me feel, she doesn't care and carries on.

And it's just her whole attitude with me; like she doesn't care that I'm there. There's been times I've wanted to suggest some time apart so we can calm down; but I prettywell know that she won't hang around for that.

If I wasn't this in love with her I don't think I'd be hanging around to be honest. It's only her family that make staying with her bearable at times! >.< She can be the nicest person on the planet, and I'd do absolutely anything for her. But I have (and was being treated for, but that fell apart) anxiety.etc and this just adds to it; I think about her every single minute of the day - but all this stuff just drives me mad. I want to be happy in this relationship; I always thought it would be, never like this, but I haven't felt this crap in months.

If I ever tell her anything; she will just laugh and say I'm being silly. She doesn't realise how serious I am and how upset she makes me. I'm always afraid to just come out with how I feel because she has the AWESOME SKILL of making me apoligise for saying it in the end (and she's done this a lot), which just makes me feel worse. I don't want to set any altimatums because I don't think she'll care enough to bother.

Please tell me what to do; this is my longest relationship ever - and I could easily spend the rest of my life with her. Because I really don't know.

I just want people to tell me I'm being silly, and it's my anxiety making this all seem worse than it is. Because I have to bundle this all up inside and I *am* going mad. I rarely even sleep.

Help!

(posting under alias as my username is easily googleable!)

 
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Old 08-28-2005, 05:47 AM   #2
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eaglesgirl37 HB User
Re: Very upset, don't know what to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by themightyzim
And it's just her whole attitude with me; like she doesn't care that I'm there. There's been times I've wanted to suggest some time apart so we can calm down; but I prettywell know that she won't hang around for that.

If I wasn't this in love with her I don't think I'd be hanging around to be honest. It's only her family that make staying with her bearable at times! >.< She can be the nicest person on the planet, and I'd do absolutely anything for her. But I have (and was being treated for, but that fell apart) anxiety.etc and this just adds to it; I think about her every single minute of the day - but all this stuff just drives me mad. I want to be happy in this relationship; I always thought it would be, never like this, but I haven't felt this crap in months.

If I ever tell her anything; she will just laugh and say I'm being silly. She doesn't realise how serious I am and how upset she makes me. I'm always afraid to just come out with how I feel because she has the AWESOME SKILL of making me apoligise for saying it in the end (and she's done this a lot), which just makes me feel worse. I don't want to set any altimatums because I don't think she'll care enough to bother.

Please tell me what to do; this is my longest relationship ever - and I could easily spend the rest of my life with her. Because I really don't know.

I just want people to tell me I'm being silly, and it's my anxiety making this all seem worse than it is. Because I have to bundle this all up inside and I *am* going mad. I rarely even sleep.

Help!

(posting under alias as my username is easily googleable!)
I don't understand how you could "easily spend the rest of your life with her" when she makes you feel so insecure, unimportant, etc. You are right that love and relationships are supposed to enrich your life and make you feel better, not worse, about yourself. When you are with someone who makes you feel constantly that you care more than she does, that you take the relationship more seriously than she does, and that she's not at all concerned with how her behavior and attitude make you feel, it's a very unhealthy and painful way to live. It sounds to me like she's just not ready or interested in the kind of intimate, serious relationship you want, and isn't the right person for you to be with right now. In my view, you need to take some time to yourself to work on your anxiety and lack of self-confidence...you will never be able to develop a healthy, balanced relationship until you feel good about yourself and secure and relaxed within the relationship...basically, you can't expect anyone else to treat you with consideration and respect if you don't treat yourself that way. Also, remember that things that seem like the biggest deal in the world today will fade as you grow older (you guys sound really young, am I right?), but the most important thing is that you are able to be comfortable and confident in your own skin. While you seem very mature and serious for someone your age, keep in mind that not everyone at your age is looking to or able to take relationships as seriously as you do. It sounds like your GF is not looking for anything other than a casual relationship at this point, which is why anytime you want to talk about anything meaningful she brushes you off and sticks to light, trivial topics of conversation. Anyway, I really think you need to get out of this relationship before it takes an even worse toll on your self-esteem and confidence than it already has...and I think you already know that or you wouldn't have posted here. The way you describe feeling is not normal or healthy and not at all characteristic of a relationship with a positive, enriching influence on your life.

 
Old 08-28-2005, 06:41 AM   #3
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2ndtimearound HB User
Re: Very upset, don't know what to do.

Poor you! I'm sorry, I cannot help you as you have requested in your final paragraph.

So much of what you have typed highlights how little this girl feels for you.

You love her, she is your soul mate, she is like your sister...but does she feel the same about you? It seems that she doesn't. When you try to talk to her about how you feel, you typed, "she'll just laugh and tell me I'm being silly". If she really cared for you, she would listen to how you feel, and work at keeping the relationship healthy.

There seems to be a lot of effort on your part to make the relationship work. How about you shift that effort. Take a step back and look seriously at how she is working at your relationship. Don't call her, don't text her, don't anything her...what would she do?

I know how you feel about seeing the effort she puts in to other people. I used to date a guy who made me feel like a stranger when he was with our friends. He would laugh, joke around with them and have a decent conversation. I would sit there thinking, what am I, chopped liver? I used to dream of having a conversation with him, just like he did with other people.

There isn't anything that you can do, other than just being yourself, to make her love you. What you can do for yourself is get a good night's sleep, you need to see this unbalanced relationship with your eyes wide open.

Good luck Zim!

 
Old 08-28-2005, 06:44 AM   #4
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themightyzim HB User
Re: Very upset, don't know what to do.

>.<

I really hoped nobody would say what I expected them too But thankyou!

It only seems to be when we're apart; if that makes any sense? Which is why I think (hope..) it's just me worrying needlessly. She's a bit stressed at the moment so it's a bit difficult actually with her; but usually I only feel like this when we're apart. Sometimes I just want to be acknowledged; does it sound silly that it'd be nice to be referred to as "my boyfriend"?

I really hope I'm just being dumb. My confidence is bad, but it gets better when I'm with her. Just apart, like this, it just ruins my whole day. I think I just read into stuff too much; I just asked her if she was looking forward to seeing me on Tuesday after two weeks apart and she just ignored me. For me I take that as her saying "no I'm not" - when I know I should just realise that she either forgot or just didn't see it or something.

We're both 19; and I'd say we're both very mature (although I feel like a bit of a child sometimes; like I want to cling onto her when she wants to shuffle me away).

I really really REALLY hope the problem is that she's just more secure in our relationship; and thinks that I am too. She probably wouldn't batter an eyelid if I started frantically texting exs and pointing out every cute girl on the street - but I don't because I honestly don't notice them anymore. I wish I could talk to her but I just feel stupid when I do; I can hint and hint and practically scream it but she'll never understand what I'm trying to say - and just makes it impossible to talk about *US*. If I bring something up online I'll just "okay"s and "yeah"s and "nuh"s.

Thankyou for your reply anyway; it was a bit of self-therapy really posting. I just need to put how I feel somewhere. Perhaps one day she might ask how I feel and I can point her here.

 
Old 08-28-2005, 06:54 AM   #5
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2ndtimearound HB User
Re: Very upset, don't know what to do.

Zimmy boy, I sense that you are developing a healthy co-dependancy upon your girlfriend.

This is not good. Your confidence is bad, but when you are with her, it's good????????

What the....?

I agree with Eaglesgirl, 100%. Your girlfriend considers her relationship with you as very casual. You are both young, 5 years ago you were both 14 years old! She is living life, as only a 19 year old knows how to live. And it looks like she is loving it.

I suggest you do the same.

Last edited by 2ndtimearound; 08-28-2005 at 07:01 AM. Reason: incorrect spelling!

 
Old 08-28-2005, 07:28 AM   #6
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greeneyes100 HB User
Re: Very upset, don't know what to do.

I definitely don't think you should stay with this woman. She obviously does not care for you at all and is just using you as a fill-in until something better comes along. She is destroying your self-confidence! If I were you, I would end the relationship immediately and start dating other women. Have you thought about putting up an online ad?

You deserve much better than this. She is not going to change. Remember, you can't change other people, only yourself.

In one of your posts, you mentioned that your ex-girlfriend cheated on you. Is there some unconscious reason why you may be picking women who are just not that into you? Think about it. It seems like you could be falling into a pattern of picking women that don't care much for you.

Good luck, and remember there are plenty of other women who would love to have a man like you in their lives.

Last edited by greeneyes100; 08-28-2005 at 07:30 AM.

 
Old 08-28-2005, 11:07 AM   #7
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eaglesgirl37 HB User
Re: Very upset, don't know what to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by themightyzim
I really hoped nobody would say what I expected them too But thankyou!

It only seems to be when we're apart; if that makes any sense? Which is why I think (hope..) it's just me worrying needlessly. She's a bit stressed at the moment so it's a bit difficult actually with her; but usually I only feel like this when we're apart. Sometimes I just want to be acknowledged; does it sound silly that it'd be nice to be referred to as "my boyfriend"?

I really hope I'm just being dumb. My confidence is bad, but it gets better when I'm with her. Just apart, like this, it just ruins my whole day. I think I just read into stuff too much; I just asked her if she was looking forward to seeing me on Tuesday after two weeks apart and she just ignored me. For me I take that as her saying "no I'm not" - when I know I should just realise that she either forgot or just didn't see it or something.

We're both 19; and I'd say we're both very mature (although I feel like a bit of a child sometimes; like I want to cling onto her when she wants to shuffle me away).
I agree with both Greeneyes and 2ndtimearound . Keep in mind that many of the posters here are very opinionated and often have drastically different takes on the same situation, so when everyone who responds to a certain thread is in complete agreement, it's almost certain that they are right. One of the great things about this board is that posters have no motives in responding other than to try and help by providing objective advice you might not be able to get from anyone else. We don't have any of the same agendas that people you seek advice from in real life, especially family and friends, do, such as not wanting to hurt your feelings or get you mad at them for being honest with you about something you might not want to hear. I can certainly understand why you wanted posters to tell you that you were being silly and making a big deal out of nothing, but I really don't see that as being the case here. It worries me to see you brushing aside your feelings as insignificant or saying that you're just being dumb; that indicates that this relationship has already taken a significant toll on your confidence in yourself and seriously damaged your self-esteem .

So from an objective viewpoint: no, you aren't worrying needlessly. And you're definitely not being silly to want her to refer to you as her boyfriend! Does she refuse to call you her BF? That signals to me that she isn't nearly as serious or committed to this relationship as you are; therefore your fears and concerned are very warranted. I really don't think you're making a big deal out of nothing or worried needlessly here; if anything, you are bending over backwards to ignore her signs that she's not that serious and giving her too much of the benefit of the doubt. You say you only feel insecure and question her feelings for you when you aren't together, but is that really true? It doesn't sound like she ever really reassures you that she deeply cares for you and that you're every bit as important to her as she is to you. Can you tell us what things she does to boost your confidence when you are together? Even if she consistently makes you feel good about yourself when you're around her, it's really unhealthy for your self-esteem to be at all dependent on anyone else. That's not only very risky for you in that the person could leave you at any time and then you'd lose all your self-worth, but it's way too much of a burden to put on anyone. She could sense that all your self-esteem depends on her and be freaked out by that, causing her to pull away. Either way, I STRONGLY suggest that you take some time alone to be single and work hard on developing self-esteem and confidence within yourself, independent of how anyone else feels about you or treats you. Like I said, you can't possibly expect anyone else to treat you with love and respect if you don't have a strong sense of love and respect for yourself irrespective of everyone else. Being apart from ANYONE should not ruin your whole day; you have to be content and comfortable with your own company before you can develop a healthy, equal partnership with anyone else and expect them to enjoy your company as well. And sorry to say, but her pointedly ignoring your question about being excited to see you is a bad sign. Your initial instinct about this was right and you shouldn't now be trying to talk yourself into thinking there's nothing wrong with her refusing to answer such a simple question. The only possible reason I can think of why she wouldn't say, "oh yes, of course I'm excited to see you!" is that she really isn't. I'm sorry that she isn't interested in having a serious, committed relationship with you like the one you want to have with her, but everything you've said makes it pretty clear that she doesn't. But I think this relationship should be a secondary concern for you; far more important is the issue of your self-esteem. It's absolutely essential that you learn to love yourself and be confident in your own skin; not just so you can form happy and balanced relationships with others, but also so you can feel comfortable and content with yourself each and every day. I can't imagine going through life with no confidence and esteem for myself--it must be really difficult and unhappy. I can't emphasize strongly enough that you really need to work on developing self-esteem, preferably with the help of a counselor or psychologist. Otherwise you risk going through life perpetually unhappy and never having an equal relationship in which the other person treats you with as much love and respect as you give them. You need to be happy and confident within yourself in order to have a chance at a content, fulfilling life and relationships--I really hope you can see how important it is that you work on this and stop making excuses for a woman who isn't treating you with the love and respect we all need and deserve.

 
Old 08-28-2005, 12:00 PM   #8
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themightyzim HB User
Re: Very upset, don't know what to do.

Thankyou everyone for your replies. I feel so stupid; because whilst I typed all that ^ - I guess I never thought of it all like is. I'm still telling myself that it's just me though.

Does it make sense to say that even when all of this happens all the time; I only really get upset by it when I'm down in myself already? I have days when I'm really happy to just know that I'm with her. I think at the moment stress from starting uni (as I am in a few weeks) is really boiling up inside of me and clouding what I can see. I never think any of the stuff she does is bad, it just turns my stomach is all.

I really can't explain it. I read all of this; and my mind just won't agree with it I feel like I'm wasting your time by posting. I just really really really don't want to leave her. >.<

Sorry! You probably think I'm a moron XD

 
Old 08-28-2005, 01:10 PM   #9
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laurie864bla HB User
Re: Very upset, don't know what to do.

Cut and RUN, buddy!!! I'm very blunt--but here goes...

This girl is NOT your soul mate. SHe is not even a good match for you. She is not that into you. It will hurt, but you WILL get over it. This is NOT the right woman for you at all. Even if she turns out to be one day, you MUST turn the tables on her and get some self respect.

Break up with her. Move on as best you can, and maybe she'll come running. Believe me, it's the only way you have a chance b/c it will surely end this way. You want someone that does not want you back and that makes you crazy. Turn it around. Make her want you, if she does somewhere in her, it will work--but right now I can tell you--she does NOT respect you.

We have all been there in different degrees. Wanting someone more than they want us, and it sucks. It WILL end if you don't completely back off and get yourself some respect. No ultimatums--just "I don't think this is working out for me. I think we should split." Be nice, adn then DO NOT CALL HER. WHen she calls you--don't answer the phone. You can call her back later, but be short with her-not mean, just a little distracted and busy.

Let her know the reason you didn't call her back was something trivial--not important. Go out with other people if you can. Friends, whatever. Meanwhile, get "Codependant No More" the book, and read it while you are apart. You are codependant, BIGTIME and this needs to change. You will never be happy, people will always cheat on you and you will get no respectful, healthy relationships. Turn this around for yourself while you are still young. It sucks when you're older, have a ton of failed relationships and you figure it out then, or not at all. Youare still young enuf to fix this part of yourself.

Be strong. Don't be weak. No one wants a weak man. Sorry, but we don't. Get away from this woman. This is NOT real love, this is dependancy. I promise. You will see that when you get some self help and some distance--but you cannot see it now. Listen!!!!! I know it's hard, but really listen and get that book today!! Good luck to you.

 
Old 08-28-2005, 02:09 PM   #10
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thghtsreal HB User
Re: Very upset, don't know what to do.

You sound terribley clingy and insecure. Is it possible that you are smothering and suffocating her with your emotional needs?

 
Old 08-28-2005, 03:22 PM   #11
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Zando HB User
Re: Very upset, don't know what to do.

Have you heard of the word LOSER?

That is just the way your little friend sees you, or else she would not be treating you in a bad way.

People with low self-esteem/confidence can be easy marks by those who are used to controlling others.

I'd say work on yourself and build the person that is wanting to come out. Don't rely on someone else to do it for you....or guess what? You will ALWAYS be someone's punching bag!

 
Old 08-28-2005, 06:02 PM   #12
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ibeeshell HB User
Re: Very upset, don't know what to do.

This is going to sound harsh to a nice young man!!

But my first thought when I read your post WAS................

How can the two words SOULMATE and SISTER be in the same sentence????

I know how you feel, because I have watched my silly, sappy almost 19 yr old nephew go thru the SAME THING for well over a year now!

He is SO, SO SMART when it comes to grades, but OH SO NOT when it comes to the trashy girl he dates.

Please do what my dumb nephew can't and RUN!!!!!!

 
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