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Old 08-28-2005, 09:03 PM   #1
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Zach1233 HB User
Situation

Ive only been with my girlfriend for about 2 monthes now, in that timeframe we've been seeing eachother like 3 times a week, But since shes moving away for college we wont be able to see eachother for weeks or maybe monthes at a time. We both say we trust eachother, i need some advice on how to cope with this so i dont go completly insane, even though i trust her i cant help myself from worrying. I dont know what to do.

 
Old 08-28-2005, 09:10 PM   #2
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Piranna65 HB User
Re: Situation

I'd say seperate, Im sorry to say but most long distance relationships do not last long once one of the couples move away. Granted it has been done (not many). I dated a guy once that moved away on me for a summer and after a month of writing he stopped, wouldnt respond to me would call me any more.

He came back to town and had to tell me he met someone else like right after he got there and that she was pregnant, by him of course. I'm not saying this would happen to you, but that was my experience of long-distance. And I wouldnt do it again.

goodluck.

 
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Old 08-28-2005, 10:15 PM   #3
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mada_3083 HB User
Re: Situation

agreed, long distance relationships hardly ever work out, and considering the short term you've been going out, maybe separating might be better than drawing it out, and it not working.

 
Old 08-28-2005, 10:39 PM   #4
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dsleik HB User
Re: Situation

DISAGREED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...... i am almost 22 yrs old adn was in a 5 yr relationship w my ex and 2 of those yrs we were at seperate colleges 2 hrs away for 3 yrs til we broke up. I have now been w my bf for 2 yrs adn we are 8.5 hrs away. i knew him for only 6 months before he transferred colleges. and i didnt see him at all last summer while he was interning. i have gone 4 months without seeing him and we are still so strong. this is how i manage. i dont cheat adn neither does he. we both like to party but we trust eachother completely. when i see him after being away, its so awesome and so grateful that i have someone that amazing to miss. we only have one semester each and then we will be together and everytime i get sad missing him i think of that.
it can be done. w trust and faith. i know its only been 2 months if you say you trust her, i think you would be nuts to not give it a try. i know long distance isnt for everyone but if you truly care adn have faith and WANT it, then you can stay together. dont give up, it sounds like this could work out. good luck

 
Old 08-28-2005, 11:40 PM   #5
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Re: Situation

I don't think long distance relationships can work except in a very tiny fraction of cases, usually when the couple has a long history together and the separation is only temporary. But in this case, I think you should definitely end things now...it's already driving you crazy just thinking of spending 4 years apart from her much more than you'll be in the same area. I dated a guy who I truly loved and envisioned marrying throughout the last two years of high school...we weren't technically together when college started, but after the first semester we decided to get back together and give the LD thing a go. In retrospect it was a mistake...there is definitely a reason why the overwhelming majority of high school sweethearts who try and stay together split for good before the first semester of college is over. People in high school are still very inexperienced and usually immature, living the same lifestyle they've had since childhood and filling the same social roles they've embodied since puberty. In college, being independent and given the chance to mature on their own for the first time, people make great strides toward developing their adult personalities and interests, which in most cases results in their growing apart from those they were close with before they started to mature and grow into adulthood. By the end of college, most people are completely different than they were in high school, and no longer feel well-suited to the people they were so passionately in love with before college. The other reason that I think LD relationships in college are a big mistake is that you end up wishing the most amazing four years of your life away, counting the days until you can sneak in a weekend visit with your loved one (especially because these LD relationships usually aren't completely happy and are suffering from the distance factor, perhaps to the degree where they would no longer survive if the partners were in closer proximity to each other).

College is an amazing opportunity to grow and mature intellectually, personally, and socially, and it's such a shame to see kids miss out on taking full advantage of these wonderful years because they are pining away for a high school sweetheart. Looking back, I really regret not being free to live every day of my college years to the fullest...sitting around wishing my BF was there, wishing away and counting the days until I could see him, and not participating fully in all the social activities and opportunities my college life had to offer was a big mistake. Even worse, deep down I knew that my HS sweetheart was no longer "the one" for me, but I still stayed in the relationship because it was easy, comfortable, and familiar...this took a big toll on my wallet (all the visits and phone bills) and my social life (I passed up a ton of opportunities with hot guys with whom I shared much more in common at that point than I did with my HS boyfriend). I finally broke free of the LD relationship after my sophomore year, and in retrospect, I think I would have been a lot happier, more active, and open to new experiences and opportunities than I was being attached to my HS sweetheart. So it's not just that my relationship didn't work out that makes me think extending HS relationships to college is a bad idea...I just think it's unnecessarily difficult, painful, restrictive, and stunting, on top of the fact that in the vast majority of cases, such relationships don't work out in the end. These are the best years of your life...why waste them tied down and moping around missing someone who you probably won't even be compatible with when (and if) you both embrace the opportunities for intellectual and social development and maturity that college offers. It's so much more fun to be free and unattached in college, open to anything and everything, rather than desperate to spend every available moment with your HS significant other, which I've seen motivate way too many students to turn down amazing opportunities to study abroad, go on cool trips during school vacations, take wonderful research opportunities or internships, etc. To get the fullest benefits from college and ensure that you are as enriched and matured by the opportunities it presents as possible, I think it's a terrible idea to go in attached to someone you'll soon outgrow in all likelihood...and if you don't outgrow them, you have to wonder if that's because your relationship made you closed off to all the chances for emotional, social, and intellectual development your college experience had to offer.

 
Old 08-29-2005, 01:05 AM   #6
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Re: Situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by eaglesgirl37

College is an amazing opportunity to grow and mature intellectually, personally, and socially, and it's such a shame to see kids miss out on taking full advantage of these wonderful years because they are pining away for a high school sweetheart.

nail on the head. could you potentially give the relationship a 4 year hiatus, and come back to it when your done with college? if the answer is no, why not? it's unfortunate timing, but college is a great time to find yourself...

heck what brought me to this board was the disintigration of my 3 year relationship, i'd finished university, and had to move for my career, and that lasted all of a month, but in a way i'm almost glad, because there is no way i would have met as many new people or had as much fun if i was still trying to keep the spark alive in my love. i mean the firstmonth here, i wouldn't go to the pub, wouldn't go out with workmates because i'd be missing my girl, i'd call her, she'd call me... but i wouldn't have the strength energy or desire to socialise with new people.

 
Old 08-29-2005, 09:47 AM   #7
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Piranna65 HB User
Re: Situation

Its not a healthy and good relationship heck it is hardly a relationship if you dont get to see each other...im sorry but hours and miles away with a phone call here and a letter there isnt a realistic relationship. Your missing out and the cuddles the intimate moments the together things...You dont get that in a LD relationship.

 
Old 08-29-2005, 10:44 AM   #8
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dsleik HB User
Re: Situation

cant you guys give this poor guy some hope......... well im glad its proven that im not insecure and my bf adn i can handle our LDR easily. LDR's show that you dont have to be w your bf or gf every second of every day or daily and that you have space and time to grow seperately and make new friends but still be in love and trust eachother. i have so many friends ( guys and girls) and so does he, so in a healthy LDR, you can still have fun, party, meet people, and get your eduacation while having a bf.
Eaglesgirl is pretty much saying that w a bf you cant have a social life or mature if you are in college w a bf or gf... SO NOT TRUE unless you were so insecure that you wasted your time thinking about what your bf was doing and if he would be mad cuz you were hanging out w other people and not on the phone w him for example. my bf or I would never supress one another from doing somthing one of us wanted to do, for example moving, career opportunites, etc. just because you have a LDR or a bf in college does not mean youre tied down unless you guys are sickly obsessive and insecure.. i do not feel tied down at all, and commitment is not a problem for me. i've still matured in all ways possible at teh age of 22 w having a bf for all of college.
Eaglesgirl is right, I too have seen countless people turn down trips, interns, jobs, etc because they are so wrapped up in their partner adn so insecure that they wont do whats best for them. let me tell you, i would never do that, because i feel what is meant to be will be. this is where suppressing someone and making them feel bad for doing what they want and what is best for them comes into place. in any case like that, the relationship wll not survive. this past january i stood up in a wedding in which the girl went out w the guy when he was a senior in HS and she was a freshmen in HS. it was not a goot topic of our town bc the age diff and he went to a college 2 states away while she had 4 yrs of HS left. he played college football like my bf and never saw eachother. when she grad, she went to his college and he is now a teacher, she is student teaching and they have a 2 yr old son and happily married! thats not the only LDR case i know of that worked out perfectly. and it works because they want it to work. i think age and type of people who this works out for, definately does play a factor in if it works out or not, dont get me wrong. i just wanted to offer this guy some hope from experience. since hes gotten negative posts of experience. I now feel so mature knowing I can handle something everyone thinks is nearly impossible! haha. Zach i think you can do this if your heart is in it and you know you can still be "free" and have a social life and concentrate on school while being faithful!! good luck!!!!!!!! xoxoox

 
Old 08-29-2005, 10:59 AM   #9
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dsleik HB User
Re: Situation

i forgot to ask you, zach, are you worried about this not working because youre not sure if u can handle the distance or not sure because the short time you were together? also, sure you miss out on the intimate moments but once you see them the next time it is an amazing feeling. and it is healthy because it gives you time to be independent. i know youre getting negative feedback but i say do what you want and not what others say will probably happen. ---------------------------stacey

 
Old 08-29-2005, 01:23 PM   #10
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eaglesgirl37 HB User
Re: Situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by dsleik
Eaglesgirl is pretty much saying that w a bf you cant have a social life or mature if you are in college w a bf or gf... SO NOT TRUE
No, this isn't what I was saying at all. I said that the vast majority of college students would have a much more rich and fulfilling college experience without being stuck in a long distance relationship. I never said it's impossible to have a successful LD relationship and still have a social life and mature in college, just that it rarely works out in the long run. And I'm all for having relationships in college with people you actually get to see more than a few times each year, but I don't really believe LD relationships can work out unless the couple has a solid foundation going into it and an end to the separation is in sight. To date for two months getting to see each other regularly and then expect to survive four years of separation is pretty unrealistic and probably setting the couple up for unnecessary frustation and disappointment. I don't think there are any hard and fast rules that hold true in every circumstance, but I believe that it's a fair generalization to say the very few high school relationships have what it takes to survive being separated for four years of college. I'm very glad that your relationship turned out well, Stacey, but I think you are a very exception to the general trend of what happens to high school relationships when the couple tries to stay together despite the extended period of separation they must weather during college, especially when they are likely to change and grow apart during those very formative years. By the way, great name! Take care, Stacy

 
Old 08-29-2005, 01:58 PM   #11
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dsleik HB User
Re: Situation

hi Stacy, yeah what a lovely name we have haha! i do beieve youre right about a majority not working out but thats because they either dont try or cheat or are too insecure. and yes you are right, that college is definately a time to grow and mature socially but i feel that right now in this day and age, that people dont want to have a relationship in college because they want to do things that they know teh other person wont approve of. and thats the immaturity of it all....that they cant stay true to one person and i think that college students think they have to experiment w every little thing possible and that they have to fit in. youre right, these people should not try to make it work. i just think zach should try it because he hasnt tried it although i dont know either of their backgrounds even though it has only been 2 months...... i want him to test his strength and see if he can handle it.
I read some of your posts (wow, long) dont you get tired!!!? but you write quite intelligently and state your opinion perfectly which i think is a good thing in your' helping people out w relationship problems. great job! xoxox

 
Old 08-29-2005, 04:33 PM   #12
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Piranna65 HB User
Re: Situation

I just dont understand how you can be away from someone for sooooo long when your just "dating" and still consider them a b/f or g/f knowing you wont see them for quite some time. It seems like such a waste of time to me? Especially after having my own little incident.

I mean your totally lacking a relationship as a Whole...yeah you have friends and go to school and have boy and girl friends and party ect.. and yet you have a significant other on the side somehow? I guess I dont see how you 'technically' have one if your not able to hold them, touch them, love them, go out with them see them do anything, have your little agruments (yes the happen) discuss this or that? How is this a relationship if your not physically with them on any form of regular basis?

I wouldnt mind giving him some hope here, but I think he'd have better hope not doing it because most LDR do not last long. I know relationships are all about trust, but all it takes is one slip. And that sort of thing does happen.

 
Old 08-30-2005, 06:38 PM   #13
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Zach1233 HB User
Re: Situation

Its not quite like that, the circumstances wont be that bad. I will be seeing her atleast as much as i can, and for the most part is for 4 monthes untill i get my car (which im saving up for) and once i do, then i can probably see her once a week. Yes, she is going away to college, but we have both talked about it for a very long time, and ive brought up alot of the topics you guys discussed (thank you all) I have alot more trust in us, i beleive that we can get through this, she assures me that she would never do that, and that all those new experiences dont matter to her, comming from her backround, she tells me im the only one who really cares for her as much as she needs. I talk to her everyday atleast 3 times, but now that theres new information, how does this situation seem now, to even those people who didnt think it would work?

I appreciate everyone help greatly, I would just like you all to know, that i love her, she makes me so happy, and i would never consider leaving her no matter what evidence anyone has, because the fact of the matter is, Everyone's situtation is essentially different, so whose to say mine will follow everyone else's example?

 
Old 08-30-2005, 07:50 PM   #14
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Re: Situation

I'm not the most popular person around here when it comes to commenting on people who pair off and becoming "exclusive" so soon.
My problem is not whether you decide to be as faithful as a husband and wife while she goes to college. It's that you are doing it after you have only known each other 60 days.
Can either of you deal with just plain dating each other - withOUT being as exclusive as an old married couple? In this day and age its smart to promise each other not to have a physical relationship with anyone else -
but 60 days of knowing each other is an awfully short time realistically speaking to shut the door on anyone else for extended periods.

I'm not saying break up. Just don't "go steady" while she's at college.
The alternative is to put alot of pressure on both of you when you haven't known each other very long in the big scheme of things...

 
Old 08-30-2005, 08:59 PM   #15
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dsleik HB User
Re: Situation

hi zach, i think youre situation will work out like mine... we are still going strong! 4 months does go by so fast and before you know it you will have a car and able to see her once a week like you want! thats actually alot for a LDR. how far apart will you be. ? i think her and you both reassuring eachother shows that you do want this to work as well as the fact that you will both stay faithful. sounds like she and you have good morals and can easily do this!! good luck

 
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