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Old 08-29-2005, 03:34 AM   #1
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mochi* HB Usermochi* HB User
ex-boyfriend still hurts, help!!!!

I was with my ex for 4 years, we were very close friends for six years before that, since we were 16, I felt as though he was the only one in the world who ever understood me, and loved me for who I was, even when we were just friends, I trusted him so much. Than, things went awry he turned out to have alot of problems, and I moved back to school, so I broke it off with him, trying to still be friends. He was supposedly really upset about it , we were SOOOOOOOOOOO close. Then, after only four weeks, he staarted dating a FRIEND OF MINE! well, niot a good friendf, what's worse, she looks and acts like me, people have mixed us up for years. Well, they statred dating over a year and a half ago, and we stoped taliking about a year ago, I have been with a new man for eight months. I came home to visit, toi see if I could hanlde it, I want to move home but just feel overwhelned with pain and rejection while I am here. He was my best friend for soooo long, then just got a new girl, in A MONTH!!!!!
sO, I tried to be brave and see him today, since we have all the same friends, and basicaly avoid each other, and I am probably moving back around here soon, I wanted to see if I could deal with it- see how I would feel about him.
well, I sort off elt noastalgic and loving towrsds him, but also detached, I tried to have a open conversation with him about us, and my feeimngs, and our past, and he just kept trying to change the subject, we hug out for 5 hours, haven't seen each other in a year, and all he taked about was his new girlfriend, and how great his life was. It was like he was rubbing it in to make me feel bad for leaving him. Or mayvbe he was just rying to make it clear that he has moved on, I don't know
but it was weird, because he supposedly wants to be cool ewith me, butnin 5 hours hardly managed to ask about me even once! He talked about himself constantly, mostly saying "we" as in hima nd his new girl, he harld yhad a story to tell without her in it. It was almost cruel.
It just made me feel really sad becauseI feel like I was never special to him, after so long a freidnship and partnership, he just replaced me, I feel likeis he never loved me than no one will.
i feel used and taken forgranted and forgotten.
I FEEL disposable to someone that meant the world to me, someone I still love so much.
i don't know why I am wroting this I just wonderied if anyone has any opnion or advice on this
i don't pkan on ever contactng him again, it si too hard, buit I'm sure we'll be in our lives by default, we ae form the same town, with the same firends, and I am tiered of hiding out, I have for a year already.
did he ever care about me?? was it all b.s.? how do come to peace with this without feeling unlovable and unspecial and like the greatst love i've had was a facade?

 
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Old 08-29-2005, 06:00 AM   #2
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Re: ex-boyfriend still hurts, help!!!!

I am so sorry for all the pain you're going through. I really think that the hardest part of letting of a very intense, intimate relationship is losing a friendship with someone you felt understood you better than anyone, someone you could trust to be there for you and support you no matter what. About six months ago, the man I considered the love of my life and the best friend I'll ever had decided he needed to leave me and move back home across the country. I got a tremendous amount of wonderful support and encouragement here

(here is a link to some of the best advice: http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=310508),

which I saved as word documents on my computer to refer to when I get stuck in a cycle of negative thinking. I think you'll see a lot of similarities between our situations, though I was fortunate not to have my ex get involved with anyone else and leave town so I didn't have to deal with seeing him every day. One thing I would strongly suggest you stop doing at least for the time being is talking to and seeing your ex. Mine is halfway across the country, which I think is a blessing, because I find myself regressing and taking a huge step backwards in my grieving process each time we have contact, even if it's only a short phone call or email). But anyway, I did quite well as far as getting over losing the romantic aspect of our relationship, probably because I started online dating soon after he left, but I still miss the friendship terribly and know how you feel. I am so, so sorry that your ex hasn't been more sympathetic and considerate when talking with you...yet another reason you will be much better off cutting ties to him indefinitely.

For what it's worth, I highly doubt that any of your positive assumptions about how he's doing based on his nonstop bragging are true: if he was really so successful at moving on, really so happy in his new relationship, and really so thrilled with everything going on in his life, he would most definitely not have felt the need to constantly boast and gloat about it. That's exactly what people mean about someone "protesting too much," meaning that they would not feel the desire or need to go overboard and make a big show of trying to convince you of something if they were honestly that content and secure and especially not if what they were saying was so true. It sounds to me like he is clearly overcompensating for some unresolved feelings or issues having to do with the demise of your relationship. Now please understand that I'm not trying to get your hopes up that he wants you back (not that you would be better off taking him back, not by FAR!), but he does seem to be willfully suppressing and denying the same feelings of grief and loss about the breakup that you have been venting, expressing, and mourning ever since he left. I really feel for you, sweetie--please don't let his desperate efforts to make himself look good fool you and get you down! He wouldn't have put on such an act if he didn't care deeply about what you think and want to impress you. Please don't think he never loved you or forgot about you or easily replaced you! That's so clearly not true; trust me, I told my ex about the new boyfriend I had after we split and how happy I was even though he wan't dating anyone at the time. But in truth, the other guy couldn't begin to compare to the intimacy and loving connection I had with my ex; it's just human nature to want to come across as happy and satisfied with your life when you catch up with an ex who you still care for. Trust me, he can't just forget about you or brush aside all the feelings he had for you...it's all an act! The way he acted recently was the facade, not the years you spent loving each other! You know deep down that the love and intimacy you felt for each other was genuine and heartfelt, and please don't let his phony act to convince you how much he's moved on fool you into doubting that. You at least are being honest with yourself and him and taking time to mourn...he seems to be pretty immature and stuck in denial. From the sound of it, I'd say you're the one who is coping better, but anyway, he's not your problem anymore. Just keep doing what you're doing, hanging in there, trying to have fun and keep busy, mourn when you need to, but focus your energy on embracing the future with optimism and a positive outlook toward all the opportunities in your path. Everything will work out for the best in time...stay away from your ex and it won't be long before you're feeling much better and understanding exactly why your relationship had to end when it did to ensure your permanent future happiness!

 
Old 08-29-2005, 10:20 AM   #3
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Re: ex-boyfriend still hurts, help!!!!

im with nysstasia. you left him. he had "problems" which you couldnt handle, so you moved on, let him do the same. it's really not fair for you to get upset with him simply living life because he found happiness after you.

im sure he loved you, but people have to live their lives and move on. it sounds like you just want to know he will want you if you want HIM... and thats not fair or mature.

 
Old 08-29-2005, 10:21 AM   #4
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Re: ex-boyfriend still hurts, help!!!!

I agree with Nysstasia.

I know You had a good/close relationship with him, but times change and so do people. Just because you were close for a few years doesnt mean it will be this way for the rest of your life. I was super close with a guy that I dated he was my everything and i was his (i thought) It was probably about 5 years total we shared everything and were super close like the two of you.

we both moved on and communication has gone to nil. I know it wouldnt be right of us to continue a relationship now that we have both moved on and I am engaged and he is in the workings of it. Granted it is with a girl I dont really care for there is nothing I can do nor should I be trying to do anything.

I think your going to have to face it that it's over. Just because there was chemistry in the past doesnt mean there is now. You let him go and he moved on? What did you expect? He's been with another girl for a year and a half now (if i read that right). So let him be...he's probably happy where he is at and doesnt need his ex who dumped him jumping back into his life causing drama

 
Old 08-29-2005, 02:09 PM   #5
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Re: ex-boyfriend still hurts, help!!!!

wow, that was some mean advice.
I left him because he lied about cheating. Well, it is more complex than that. But it wasn't like I up and decided to leave him beczauase he was too difficult, I helped him through drug rehab, alcoholism, ect, and we hadf three friends pass away while we were togehter. I can admit that I am being selfish by wanting him to at least awknoledge that I meant more than nothing to him, but I didn't writwe this post to be patronized, and I didn't see him yesterday to sleep with him or steal him back, I know it won't work! I just wanted some closure, bc he has given very mixed messages everytime I've seen him since we broke up. I have given him all the space in the world, I dion't call him and haven;t even visited this state in almost a year bc of it!
I wrote this post to help have some understanmding of why it seems so easy for him to have forgotten me, I mean, a month after 5 years and he has moved on? It just makes me feel like garbage. No, I'm not going to cvall him again, or see him again if I can avoid it, I'll leave him alone.
I just wanted some friendly advice as to why it is soooooo easy for him to have moved on, and I still struggle so much.
I already feel pathtic for stiill missing him, so I don't need anymore reminders that I am.
please, if anyone has some sensitive advice as to how I can really move on, even though I have tried sooooo hard, please ;et me know.
I have though anout therapy, but I have no insurance right now.
I feel invaluable and my self esteem has dwindeled since I feel so reaplacable, peaople in town even call me by the new girl's name, we look so much alike. I feel like garbage. I want to move on, and forget him, I kn ow it;s over, even our "friendship,"
but how do I move past the pain, and feeling rejected, yea, I left him, but I feel olike I was left, and replaced. I feel betrayed. I feel used. I could go on a and on, there are alot of details to our relationship that I didn't explain in my origional post.
I basically bent over backwarss for this guy, and he only gave a crap at the end of it all, by then I was so fed up, I wanted to move on.
but, I haven't obviously, i miss him, obviously, but I can let go of that, AI think, especialy afetr yesterday, but what I can't let go of it the HURT a nd this feeling that haunts me that I am wortthless, and replacable.
his talijg about her ALL day yesterday, and showing no interest in my life, made that feeling even stronger.
so, no, I will not contact him ever again, to move on and crap.
but how do UI recover my self -esteem?
it was not this bad ever before, I hjst can't get over being slapped in the face by the one person I thought actually loved me, and knew me through and thorugh.
I don't even jnow what i am asking anymiore.
just why has he moved on sooo effortlessly , at least it seems, and so suddenly.
but i can;t despite time alone, finishng college, a few states between us, no contact for a year or so, and a new realtionship.
how do I accept his letting go, and let go myself, without believeing I am unworthy of affection?

also, thank you eagle, for you advice it was helpful and reassuring. everyone else just made me feel like more of a loser than I already do. maybe you all had a point, but it seemed to be very assumptive that I want him back, or am trying to steal him away, I honestly didn't know how I felt anymore, except confused and afraid of coming home, I just wanted to see where I was at with it, so I don't have to avoid my past or my life here anymore, I am moving back to the area. The process of talking to him just brought up a billion doubts and pain and insecurity that I can';t seem to let go of. Yea, it might make me feel better to know he gives a crap about me, maybe that is selfish. But how do I learn to not care if he cares or not, or if he ever did? How do I let this go?

Last edited by mochi*; 08-29-2005 at 02:30 PM.

 
Old 08-29-2005, 03:15 PM   #6
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Re: ex-boyfriend still hurts, help!!!!

Everyone goes through these feelings when they break up but not after a year!!! and I understand that you are with another man! How does your new BF feel about the whole situation, why don't you try to make friends with him and confide in him and invest your emotions in your new relationship instead of painfully wasting your energy on someone who at least is happy to see you hurt? Eaglesgirl has put the past behind her, and is very confident and ambitious and at least apparently happy and optimistic about finding the right person again. I admire her for this. You don't gain anything by tormenting yourself dwelling on your past. Maybe your current relationship is not emotionally satisfying for you? Move on then and NEVER look back. Once you find the man who will love you truely you won't look back. In the meanwhile I think that it might be helpful to seek counselling. Or at least go out and socialise with friends etc, and take any chance to know new people. Everyone here is TRYING to be helpful, but not necessarily by agreeing with you. I hope that you feel better soon.

 
Old 08-29-2005, 04:20 PM   #7
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Re: ex-boyfriend still hurts, help!!!!

mochi, I didnt give you bad advice infact i gave you a compared situation. The only reason your looking at it as 'bad' is because it isnt what you wanted to hear. And im sorry but it doesnt always work that way.

As for you wanting 'closure' you didnt say that in your primary post. And I will tell you what I tell a lot of people when they are looking for 'closure' you probably wont get it, because most relationships end with one or both having unresolved questions and answers, sorry things are not perfect in this world, but not all things come with a garentee.

You left out the fact about him cheating as well. Why would you want to see him again anyway If he cheated? I dont think any of the advice you received was cruel or mean. It was the blunt truth which is what you came here looking for. He was able to move on, and if he cheated on you there is your answer why it was so easy, because he had already been expanding his options. Im sorry but not all people sit around, dwell, cry or feel upset when something ends. And if your ex was having issues with drugs and alcohol there is more of a reason why it was easier for him to let go of you so fast. He had other priorities.

Im sorry if you thought my advice wasnt what you wanted. But I dont think it was rude. It was just telling you the facts. Things fade, people change and people move on. So what if he found a new g/f only a month after the split up. If he cheated and you dumped him why would you expect him to wait so long before dating? He already was before you broke it off?

 
Old 08-29-2005, 07:57 PM   #8
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Re: ex-boyfriend still hurts, help!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by mochi*
I tried to have a open conversation with him about us, and my feeimngs, and our past, and he just kept trying to change the subject, we hug out for 5 hours, haven't seen each other in a year, and all he taked about was his new girlfriend, and how great his life was. It was like he was rubbing it in to make me feel bad for leaving him. Or mayvbe he was just rying to make it clear that he has moved on, I don't know
but it was weird, because he supposedly wants to be cool ewith me, butnin 5 hours hardly managed to ask about me even once! He talked about himself constantly, mostly saying "we" as in hima nd his new girl, he harld yhad a story to tell without her in it. It was almost cruel.
Hi mochi, maybe he felt awkward being with you after not having seeing you in so long, so he just opened his mouth and said whatever came out. He was just talking about something current in his life, something that would be easier to talk about. Where as talking about your and his past together wouldn't be quite so easy.
I wouldn't take it personal. He probably wasn't trying to "rub it in your face", rather just trying to ease his own discomfort.

I wish I could tell you how to move on and not care anymore, but all I can tell you is you are not alone in feeling this way. I'm stuck in the same place a year and half later. So much that I AM trying to get my ex back, and I don't care if he's with someone or not, and that everyone hates me for it.
But that's bad advice, you are going about things fine. You must just keep continuing on in your own life and don't allow one person's problems to become yours.
I agree that you should focus more on your current relationship. Can you tell us more about it? How strong are your feelings for this guy? If he isn't making you happy, maybe that is why you are reverting back to thinking of your ex and thinking of happier times?
The only thing I can tell you to boost your self esteem is just think, you aren't as bad as me, so there must be hope. You are doing better than at least one person out there, and that's something. You just have to notice the small things in life. The little steps you have taken to move in the right direction, that often go overlooked. Don't forget to recognize these things and pat yourself on the back. Be proud of yourself!
I hope you feel better, soon.

Last edited by LostMyHeart; 08-29-2005 at 07:58 PM.

 
Old 08-29-2005, 08:41 PM   #9
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Re: ex-boyfriend still hurts, help!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhiteLily
Everyone goes through these feelings when they break up but not after a year!!! and I understand that you are with another man! How does your new BF feel about the whole situation, why don't you try to make friends with him and confide in him and invest your emotions in your new relationship instead of painfully wasting your energy on someone who at least is happy to see you hurt? Eaglesgirl has put the past behind her, and is very confident and ambitious and at least apparently happy and optimistic about finding the right person again. I admire her for this. You don't gain anything by tormenting yourself dwelling on your past. Maybe your current relationship is not emotionally satisfying for you? Move on then and NEVER look back. Once you find the man who will love you truely you won't look back. In the meanwhile I think that it might be helpful to seek counselling. Or at least go out and socialise with friends etc, and take any chance to know new people. Everyone here is TRYING to be helpful, but not necessarily by agreeing with you. I hope that you feel better soon.
Thank you so much, WhiteLily! I've been having a tough time physically and kind of down on myself emotionally lately, and it means more than I can say to have someone be so sweet and kind to me. I do feel overall quite happy with my life and optimistic about my chances of finding true love again when the time is right, but it was a tough struggle to relegate my last relationship to the past, and I know I couldn't have done it without everyone here providing such wonderful support, advice, and encouragement . I think the insight you offer Mochi here is absolutely brilliant—I couldn’t agree more or have expressed more profound sentiments and more succinctly yet movingly as you did.

Mochi, I know how tough it is to try to get past someone who played such an important role in your life and was a closer, better friend than you've ever had before. It really frustrates me sometimes that there are people here who insist that they'll never be able to shake their love for an ex who didn't treat them with any love, respect, or consideration. I just wish we could get through to those people and help them realize that they are worthy of being loved much more than they can evidently imagine, judging by how they repeatedly insist that no one will ever love them again like their ex...that just makes me so sad to think that no one here can convince such caring, wonderful people that they deserve 1000 times more love than their exes were capable of giving anyone. Hiya, I was so proud of you today when I read your post about your ex and saw you finally acknowledge that he was the one with the problems, the one who was unable to love anyone but himself or form a healthy, caring, functional relationship. Every time I've heard you blame yourself for "screwing up your one shot at happiness" has broken my heart for you, because you did everything you could to be consistently kind, caring, and loving and didn't seem to see that what went wrong was completely outside your control and not at all within your power to have avoided.

Anyway, I hope you, Hiya, and the other wonderful ladies here, will someday soon experience the love of a man like Patrick, who loved me in a more kind, gentle, unconditionally supportive way than I imagined possible before I knew him and held me tight each and every night since we first met. The incredible concern, kindness, and sacrifices he demonstrated to me is what truly selfless, wholehearted love is all about, and I want you and Sophia and everyone else who hasn't been loved nearly to the extent you deserve to be loved to get to experience this at least once and not give up hope of it happening. If I can find the strength to move on from such an unusually special, rare form of love that died due to circumstances outside our control with the help of the wise and caring people here, you can too!! And Hiya, I truly hope that you someday will, do the same and open your heart to a level of unconditionally caring, supportive, and accepting love your exes could never even envision. I want that for you so bad now that I know that such love exists, and I think it's wasted on most people who aren't as sensitive, yearning for love, and kind-hearted as you, Hiya (along with Sophia et al).

Anyway, Mochi, I really do understand how devastating and soul-crushing it is to lose someone who loved you more deeply and intensely than most people are capable of loving anyone. I can see why some of the advice you received on page one of your thread seemed a bit callous and unsympathetic, but also keep in mind that you are feeling extra sensitive and vulnerable these days and that no one here means to be hurtful or unsupportive. I am glad that my advice proved helpful to you, and I urge you to read and save WhiteLily's suggestions as well, as I couldn't agree more with her sentiment and eloquent mode of expression. Remember that the only agenda that people have here is to try to help other people find happiness and fulfillment in lives, especially while they are feeling heartbroken, lost, and hopeless after losing someone they love. (Lisa, even though you make it clear whenever possible that you don’t like me or agree with me on anything whatsoever, I certainly don’t hate you or wish you anything but the best…and I am 100% positive that everyone here feels the same way. I am curious as to how you are pursuing your ex and why you think people hate you for it, and who those people are—I really hope you are not referring to anyone here, because I think the idea that we hate you rather than care about you and support you no matter what couldn’t be further from the truth.)

Anyway Mochi, I would strongly suggest you read some of Hiya’s past threads and realize that you too can follow her example and be inspired by her courage and the poignant words she employs to describe her painful experiences in the hopes of helping even one person avoid making the mistake she made in accepting her misery over losing an ex to the point where she risked never fully healing her heart. But on the other hand, I've seen Hiya make amazing progress growing more comfortable and confident in herself each and every day, even without a man to love, which touches me deeply, makes me incredibly proud and admiring of her, and gives me hope that even the most emotionally shattered, devastated people can find the strength to go on with life, which proves to me that ANYONE can gather their courage and move on if they try and work hard enough at it. You can do this too, you just have to be willing to take the more difficult and painful path in the short run (stubbornly refusing to dwell on your past with your ex) in order to embrace a much happier, more upbeat future in the long term. Please don’t hesitate to rely on us for any advice or support you might need…you may also need to be on your own for awhile to truly grieve and move on in your own private way. Like you, I got involved in another relationship soon after Patrick moved back home and while he was perfectly nice, he didn’t hold a candle to Patrick, though I think he did play a helpful role in assisting me with moving on.

Please don’t allow yourself to feel down on yourself…whenever you start to feel glum and think of yourself as unlovable and disposable (which deep down you know isn’t true!!), consciously force yourself not to stew in past, negative memories and instead focus on all the exciting possibilities for love and happiness that your future holds. If you can’t be a wonderful, consistently loving, encouraging, and supportive friend to yourself, you have little chance of ever finding a man who will love you the way you deserve to be loved and the way every woman should love herself. Please let us know what you think of the advice you received since your last post and try hard to actually give some of our suggestions a chance…all we want is to see you happy and fulfilled in the future, which should be brighter and happier than ever now that your selfish, self-centered boyfriend is no longer part of your life. Hang in there sweetie and keep your chin up—keep fighting to stay positive and optimistic rather than let the past suck you into misery and regret, because it’s well worth the struggle and it DOES get easier in time. Good luck, take care, and please keep in touch with your friends here!!

Love and hugs, Stacy

 
Old 08-29-2005, 09:35 PM   #10
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Re: ex-boyfriend still hurts, help!!!!

To clear the air, I do not believe I've ever stated I disliked you. Nothing I've said was in the intentions of implying that, either.
As for disagreeing with you, I don't so much always disagree. I know I made the comment once, and without going into things, I extend my apologies. Simply put, I'm amazed at how at one moment you can be so understanding and sympathetic, and the next throw an "out there" comment out. Just keeps me confused, but what doesn't. Either way, no ill feelings.

As for a comment on my ex, it was only with pure intentions of pointing out to Mochi that she really could be in a worse place. I think sometimes it helps to think of how things can be worse, or look at others worse off than yourself, in order to find some positivity from within. Just be glad you aren't a crazy girl, who is in the process of potentially making a bigger fool of herself (though I'll never believe that).

Mochi, I am here to listen if you need an ear. I truely feel for your struggles within, as I have been thru all the same thoughts. I wish we could all just blink our eyes and just not care anymore. But for some people it just doesn't happen that way.
I know you said you don't have insurance at the moment, but is there some point in the near future you will? I encourage you not to let go of the idea of therapy, and hope you will do this as soon as possible, or even look into other ways of getting some therapy now (as in - are you still in school? Is there a counselor there that you could talk to at least as a start?). Just put your plan into place and concentrate on it. Know that you can get thru it, if you just hang on. Soon enough, that day will be here.

 
Old 08-29-2005, 10:22 PM   #11
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Re: ex-boyfriend still hurts, help!!!!

Hi Mochi ,

I feel like I can relate a little to how you are feeling. I broke up with a guy that I was really close to and had known since middle school. His younger sister and I were in the same grade and good friends, and when I got into high school he and I got to be good friends--then boyfriend/girlfriend. After my freshman year of college I broke things off with him because things were getting really serious and I felt too young to get married, plus I was just immature and he was the only guy that I had ever really dated. I always thought that we would end up together, but looking back I guess that was just a really naive thing for me to think. Anyway, he is now married to a girl whom someone described "was a lot like me"---ick (it made me feel really good to hear THAT )! I AM happy for him though. He is a good guy and he deserves a great girl. I try not to look back too much, but he slips into my mind a lot when I don't even want him to. A lot of times when something happens, the thought just pops into my mind--"I wish I can call (my ex) and tell him--he would know just what to say/do to make me feel better", but of course I can't because he moved on--got over me--and is now married. I panicked this past spring because I was a bridesmaid in a wedding and his wife was in the house party--so I thought I was going to have to see him, but he ended up not coming to the wedding and I never spoke to his wife. Anyway, I didn't mean to write a book here--I just wanted to let you know that I understand a little how you feel. My hope is that there is someone else out there who will be an even better match for me than my ex would have been---I will be hoping the same for you too !! Come here and talk things out whenever you need to .

(Hi LMH , let me know if/when you are up to checking out the online dating sites. I still have my reservations about it, but I guess it doesn't hurt to at least give it a peak. I've missed chatting with you!)

Last edited by glamourgal; 08-29-2005 at 10:26 PM.

 
Old 08-29-2005, 10:58 PM   #12
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eaglesgirl37 HB User
Re: ex-boyfriend still hurts, help!!!!

Oh Lisa, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that any explanation or apology was necessary. I didn't bring that stuff up because it upset me or because I thought you should apologize; quite the contrary actually. I think debates make these discussions more interesting and helpful and I firmly believe that you have every right to your opinion and that disagreeing doesn't mean there is any personal ill will between posters. I really don't take people disagreeing with me at all personally and truly didn't mean to come across like I was offended by anything you said. Looking back, my comment did seem like a non-sequitor and I apologize that it came out of nowhere and if it in any way implied that I've ever felt anything but sympathetic toward you (even if I don't always completely understand exactly where you're coming from). Just to clarify, the impression I referred to in my last post was based on a few comments scattered here and there in various posts, but nothing that you said was hurtful or anything, so I'm sorry if I made it seem like a big deal when I really didn't ever see it that way. And no, I don't recall any occasions where you said you didn't like me but you have every right not to like me without me holding any ill will toward you in return, which I definitely don't. I guess I got that impression from a few, two I think, two occasions where you said "this is the only thing I will ever agree with Stacy about" and one time you characterized something I said as the "most insulting thing you'd ever seen on these boards." I took that to mean you weren't a big fan of mine but it didn't bother me because you have every right to your own opinions and besides, I learned long ago that life will be easier and more pleasant for me if I don't take what people say or think about me to heart and let it both me personally.

I'm not quite sure if that was where the portion of your reply that was directed at me ended or not: did I say something about your ex, by the way, or was that a general comment unrelated to my post? For the record, I definitely agree with you that it is often a useful reality check to take stock of how any given situation could be more difficult or hurtful, though I'm sad to see you use yourself as a yardstick for other women in comparison to which other women should feel good about themselves. I hate to see you be so hard on yourself for having trouble moving on, Lisa, when you have never done anything to warrant such a negative self-assessment. All we can do is go through life loving and caring for the people who are important to us with as much enthuiasm and sincerity as we can muster...as long as one doesn't deliberately disrespect, deceive, or hurt anyone, I don't think any of have anything to feel at all guilty or down on ourselves about. Neither you nor Hiya nor Mochi has any reason to blame themselves for your exes letting you down and treating you disrespectfully--this behavior reflects poorly on your exes, NOT on you in any way! I really think that anyone having a tough time letting go of an ex or fighting off the urge to blame oneself for someone failing to treat them with respect and consideration should work as hard as they can on accepting that what happened wasn't your fault--you all gave 100% of your hearts and efforts toward making your past relationships wrong, and your exes were blind, selfish, and foolish for not recognizing how lucky they were to have amazing women like you three treat them so wonderfully. Mochi, I hope you can accept that your ex's inconsiderate behavior doesn't reflect on how lovable and significant you are in his life and in general...I think if anything, his nervous babbling was an effort to overcompensate and cover up his lingering unresolved issues regarding the breakup and you're in all likelihood doing a much better job moving on than he has, all his bluster and bravado aside. You ladies all deserve men who will jump at the chance to treat you with as consistent, passionate love and consideration as you devote to the men you love...in the long run, it is for the best that your exes screwed up their chances with you and proved themselves unworthy of your love, because they had to eventually get out of the way to clear the path for your Mr. Rights to come find you and sweep you all off of your feet!

And to LMH and GG--please please consider giving online dating a chance and sharing your adventures over on the online dating threads! It's always so exciting to share advice and encouragement and believe me, if you're at all interested in developing a new relationship, online dating is a fantastic approach to finding that special someone!!

Last edited by eaglesgirl37; 08-29-2005 at 11:27 PM.

 
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