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It's me again. Back to the bf issue. Plz look!

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Old 08-29-2005, 09:27 AM   #1
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Georgia
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Jessums18 HB User
It's me again. Back to the bf issue. Plz look!

So I have another recent thread called Plz help. Not sure what I'm doing. And to give me advice on this then you may need to read that one. So after I broke up with my bf he went and dated his exgf which I told him he should b/c he need to find out who he really wanted to be with. I think that was the mature thing to tell him to do b/c if he ever did want to get back with me I did not want him to wonder about her. Anyways he told our friend that his ex told him she still loved him and all that stuff. So he took her back. Well turns out like I thought it would she just used him for 1day to make her ex jelous and then she called and broke up with my exbf. She told him that her and her ex had talked about things and decided they wanted to date. Well I've been feeling bad b/c I went to my ex's house on Saturday to get all the stuff I've ever gave him and all the pictures he had of us. I was just so upset then b/c I had just broke it off and I admit that I was really imature and mean to him that day. Then the next day when his ex broke up with him, he txt message me and says I just want you to know I did what you wanted me to. I dated her and she screwed me over and went back to her ex. I just said oh I'm sorry. I really did mean it to b/c truthfully I didn't want that to happen. I really wanted him to be happy and figure things out without her hurting him. So I thought for a minuit and asked him why he felt like he needed to tell me this b/c it really wasn't my business. And he just says well why not tell you. This is what I can't figure out. I don't know why he would even want to tell me. I mean when I went to get my stuff I didn't say one word to him even when he said something to me and then when I left he said bye and I just slammed the door in his face. I just want to know if he's trying to tell me I was right and that he made a mistake or is he trying to make me feel like it was my fault b/c I told him I wanted him to date her. Anyone Please just give me some advice on what it could mean especially men. They might understand him better.

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Old 08-29-2005, 09:55 AM   #2
Join Date: Aug 2005
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eaglesgirl37 HB User
Re: It's me again. Back to the bf issue. Plz look!

I'm pretty confused about why you felt the need to test your boyfriend by leaving him and essentially urging him back into his ex-GF's arms. Did he do something really hurtful that made you question his trust? Going by your last post, it does sound like you may be thinking too much and dreaming up problems that aren't really there. You guys sound quite young, and this is a pretty common behavior among young women who have been hurt in the past and struggle with insecurity and trust issues. I really think you need to work on learning to love and trust your partner fully until and unless they give you a reason to doubt their honesty and fidelity. Otherwise, being constantly insecure and fearful that your man either wants to or is actually sleeping with other women will only drive him right into the arms of another woman, even if he wouldn't have done so on his own if you hadn't nagged and worried so much about it. It seems like your fears about him going back to his ex got really out of control to the point where you chose to make these fears into a self-fulfilling prophecy, basically forcing him to leave you for an ex he no longer wanted, rather than trust him not to cheat and risk the slight chance that he might hook up with his ex again of his own accord. It really seems like you're creating drama and problems out of thin air, doing things like insisting on a break and encouraging him to give his ex another chance...why in the world would you want to do this? I really think you need to get a handle on why you are so insecure and fearful of losing your boyfriends to other women...with your current approach and hangups, I highly doubt you'll ever be able to build a mature relationship with a healthy level of space and mutual trust. You really need to be content and secure within yourself before you can develop a relationship with those qualities rather than one in which you feel scared and insecure about the possibility of your BF cheating no matter how unlikely that is to an objective observer. At this point you are turning your deepest fears into reality by focusing on them and forcing them to come true in order to ward off the possibility of them happening on their own...this way of thinking and living will only bring you confusion, pain, and frustration, and I can't urge you strongly enough to talk to a therapist of some sort about the destructive influence your doubts are having on your relationship(s).

Old 08-29-2005, 10:28 AM   #3
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Piranna65 HB User
Re: It's me again. Back to the bf issue. Plz look!

you dont sound to upset or affected by what he has done. i guess you really cant since you pushed him into leaving but like eagle said. Why push him or test him into doing this?

It seems like this wasnt a very strong relationship if you just said 'okay get it over with' basically. So does this mean your going to take him back since he found out she wasnt interested? Or are you still going to give things more time?

Old 08-29-2005, 11:26 AM   #4
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Jessums18 HB User
Re: It's me again. Back to the bf issue. Plz look!

The reason I wanted him to date her is b/c he told me they had been talking as friends and he thought he might like her again. So I just thought that the mature thing to do was to tell him to explore those feelings b/c if there ever is another chance with us in the future I don't want him to wonder what would it have been like if I would have given her(his ex) another try. And no if he does want me back now that he knows nothing will happen between them two I will not just run back to him. I will tell him that we do need some time apart and that I would in the future like to try things with him again.

Old 08-29-2005, 01:38 PM   #5
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,774
greeneyes100 HB User
Re: It's me again. Back to the bf issue. Plz look!

To be quite frank, I would have also told him to go back to her. Until he has this woman completely out of his system, he won't be able to give of himself to another woman. Just give it some time. Go out and date other men and get this man off your mind for now. He obviously is very confused about what he wants at this point, and I think you are too.

If he's really that interested in you, in time, he will come back and if you still want him back, then you can start fresh.

Old 08-29-2005, 02:40 PM   #6
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 58
WhiteLily HB User
Re: It's me again. Back to the bf issue. Plz look!

Ok you might have done something that you think is mature BUT I personally don't think that there's anything mature in accepting that you might be second-best and allowing him to even entertain it, to say nothing of "EXPLORING" it!!! And there's absolutely nothing mature on his part to take the chance, he should have REFUSED to do what you asked if he had the respect for your relationship together. Unless you present yourself as the one and only woman in his life, he will not take you seriously. And yes, it is fun for him, why not go out with all the women in the earth testing out his love for you!!! If my BF ever puts me in a position of comparison/competition with any other woman, he will only have a one-way ticket from me.

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