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Old 08-29-2005, 11:10 AM   #1
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Fiancée doesn't trust me?

I recently went on holiday to Greece with my family for a fortnight and now my fiancée's gone on holiday with her friend for the same duration. She's been on holiday for just over a week now and she phoned me up last night, semi-drunk, saying that she reckons I got off with loads of girls while I were away, even though I didn't. Plus she flipped when I told her that I'm off out in to town on Wednesday night - just with a friend for a few drinks though - but she seems to think I'm going out to get off with girls!

She says she trusts me 100% when she's at home, but do you think the drink's brought out what she really thinks? Does she not trust me?

 
Old 08-29-2005, 12:05 PM   #2
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Re: Fiancée doesn't trust me?

Have you ever given her a reason to not trust you?????
If you haven't, then I would seriously re-think the whole situation. Do you want to be married to someone that doesn't trust you? And if she gets this way when she's been drinking, maybe she needs to stop drinking.
I sound kinda harsh, but my biggest pet peeve is jealousy and insecurity, especially if there's no reason for it. It's so unattractive to me and would be a deal breaker for me.

 
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Old 08-29-2005, 12:40 PM   #3
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Re: Fiancée doesn't trust me?

Well, that's a tad much. They're not married and he didn't even bring up the possibility.

Everyone has some insecurities to a certain extent. It sounds like this is the first time she's mentioned it. And I'm sure if she got this way when she drank, you would have noticed by now.

She hasn't seen you for a while. She probably misses you and is becoming insecure with all this time apart. Between that and the alchohol, she might have overreacted.

Wait for her to come home and sort it out then. There might be more going on in her head than you know, or maybe it's not a big deal and everything will be peaches when you're back together.

 
Old 08-29-2005, 01:02 PM   #4
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Re: Fiancée doesn't trust me?

Yeah, this is the first time. I got a text message from her earlier saying that she doesn't want me to go out on Wednesday, and that I'll get off with a girl, and then she says "I know what you're like!". Is this just down to the fact that I haven't seen her for a week and maybe she feels that I'm going off of her or something? I'm not though.

I haven't done anything to suggest I'd cheat, I've always stayed loyal to her and always will. I wouldn't have got engaged to her otherwise!

Thanks for the replies!

 
Old 08-29-2005, 01:59 PM   #5
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Re: Fiancée doesn't trust me?

How long have you two been together? It seems strange that she would become so insecure out of blue like this. I imagine that all this time apart has made her insecure or worried. Hell, maybe it's that time of the month and she's having a bad cycle.

Obviously, this is something that will have to be discussed when she comes home.

One thing you might want to put out there. I couldn't tell whether this is the case with your girlfriend or not, but sometimes people who are really jealous are being unfaithful. Oddly enough, they get worried that their partner might be doing the same thing so they become jealous. You could probe her about this angle. At the very least you would be turning the tables and she would understand the frustration of being accused of something you didn't do.

 
Old 08-29-2005, 03:44 PM   #6
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Re: Fiancée doesn't trust me?

She sounds awfully insecure! I would really rethink the marriage, as being married to someone who you constantly have to reassure could get very draining.

Why don't you simply text her back, say you love her, but tell her that you will talk about it when she is SOBER.

 
Old 08-29-2005, 04:17 PM   #7
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Re: Fiancée doesn't trust me?

Yep, the drunk part would bother me alot more than the not trusting part.
Ok, they'd both bother me...
Are you sure you're looking forward to a lifetime of this??

 
Old 08-29-2005, 04:22 PM   #8
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Re: Fiancée doesn't trust me?

let me guess she is either too young or immature, aside to being insecure. it does sound like she doesnt trust you. i would rethink the wedding because she obviously needs time to grow up.

 
Old 08-30-2005, 01:42 AM   #9
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Re: Fiancée doesn't trust me?

geek kittie took the words right out of my head. i couldn't have said it any better.

 
Old 08-30-2005, 02:08 AM   #10
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Re: Fiancée doesn't trust me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Geek_Kittie
How long have you two been together? It seems strange that she would become so insecure out of blue like this. I imagine that all this time apart has made her insecure or worried. Hell, maybe it's that time of the month and she's having a bad cycle.

Obviously, this is something that will have to be discussed when she comes home.

One thing you might want to put out there. I couldn't tell whether this is the case with your girlfriend or not, but sometimes people who are really jealous are being unfaithful. Oddly enough, they get worried that their partner might be doing the same thing so they become jealous. You could probe her about this angle. At the very least you would be turning the tables and she would understand the frustration of being accused of something you didn't do.
Geek_Kittie, maybe you're right, because when I spoke to her a few days back she said that a guy had tried to kiss her when she were out dancing in a club but she backed off straight away. So her not wanting me to go out on Wednesday would make sense then I suppose, right?

And yes, this will be something that's discussed when she's home, because no matter how much I love and care for her, I simply can't get married to someone who doesn't have full trust in me. I'd trust her with my life. I mean, what's the point? There'll be plenty of other times where trust is needed in the future.

Thanks for the replies!

 
Old 08-30-2005, 03:48 AM   #11
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Re: Fiancée doesn't trust me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Geek_Kittie
How long have you two been together? It seems strange that she would become so insecure out of blue like this. I imagine that all this time apart has made her insecure or worried. Hell, maybe it's that time of the month and she's having a bad cycle.

Obviously, this is something that will have to be discussed when she comes home.

One thing you might want to put out there. I couldn't tell whether this is the case with your girlfriend or not, but sometimes people who are really jealous are being unfaithful. Oddly enough, they get worried that their partner might be doing the same thing so they become jealous. You could probe her about this angle. At the very least you would be turning the tables and she would understand the frustration of being accused of something you didn't do.

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing as you, GK at first, that she was just a little drunk one night and overreacted because she missed you. I know that for some people here, drinking strikes a very personal chord, but I think some of these posters have forgotten that there's really nothing abnormal and unhealthy abou a young person having a few more drinks than they should every once in while. Ruth, I know you in particular have had disturbing past experiences with drinking that make you understandably wary of it, but there are always going to be people who have major problems with alcohol whenever they take a drink. But it's also important to remember that most people can indulge in moderation sometimes and (for young people especially) even overindulge on rare occasions, without that necessarily signifying any serious problems with drinking. I personally think that it's a bit extreme and unfair to conflate all these regular and occasionally heavy drinkers with people who are genuinely problem drinkers who lack control over the consumption and behavior once they start drinking. ever a couple has an argument after one person has a few drinks. I know you're not the only one here who comes down really hard on drinking, and I don't mean to imply that you're anything but right and wise to warn against the dangers of drinking and how quickly it can get out of control. Still, in the majority of cases where couples have disputes after having some drinks, it seems to me that drinking really isn't that big a deal or the main problem; instead, I generally believe that the most important issue requiring attention is whatever dispute launched the argument in the first place.

So from what we've heard about this particular case, I'd be inclined to be a lot more concerned about the fact that she has all of a sudden, seeingly out of nowhere for no good reason, recently lashed out with these sharply worded, accusatory allegations of infidelity. With that said, after reading the original poster's second post, the first thing that jumped to mind is that the only reason that comes to mind at to why she'd suddenly accuse you of cheating so harshly, assuming you've done nothing of late to prompt her accusations, is that she's been recently feeling guilty about either cheating or being seriously tempted to do so and projecting this guilt onto you. Usually when one partner starts questioning the other's fidelity without provocation, it is to deflect suspicion from themselves or because they assume that they probably aren't the only one who's tempted to cheat when the couple is apart...basically, there's a good chance that something shady is going on with her which has prompted her to manufacture these allegations seemingly out of thin air. I agree with Stacey that she sounds awfully immature and suspicious for someone gearing up to get married; are you guys still pretty young? Regardless, I think the other posters are wise to suggest that you hold off on marriage until you get to the bottom of her accusations and figure out what could be prompting them along with her excessive drinking while she was gone. Such behavior reminds me of how I coped with guilt when I had already started a new relationship before fully extricating myself from one that was clearly (to me anyway) on its last legs. I'm wasn't proud or comfortable with this overlap and felt bad about wanting or getting involved with another man before ending things with my prior BF, and this led me to drink more than usual and go on the attack, hoping that putting my BF on the defensive would prevent me from being put in that situation. OF course, I have no way of knowing whether something like hat is going on or whether her behavior is compltely innocuous and has a straightforward and innocent explanation. I certainly hope the latter is the case for your sake assumng you are otherwise content and fulfilled within this relationship, but I still think you should make quite sure all of both of yoru feelings of insecurity and doubt are fully resolved before making any sort of binding legal commitment. You are right that trust is probably the single most important component in a successful long term partnership, with honesty and fidelity also very significant and essenial requirements. You're wise to want to get this out in the open and make absolutely sure she is being 100% honest and confiding in you fully about anything you need to know that might have prompted her uncharacteristic recent behavior. It souds like you are smart and mature with a good head on your shoulders, so while I wish you the best of luck in resolving this, I have faith tbat you will pull through having made only carefully planned out and thoughtful decisions. Good luck with everything, keeo your chin up and take care; try to have faith that everything will work out for the best in the long run .

 
Old 08-31-2005, 01:54 AM   #12
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Re: Fiancée doesn't trust me?

She does seem to be acting very suspicious. We usually text each other a fair deal throughout the day, so i sent her two texts yesterday morning asking how she were, what she's up to and so on, and I didn't receive a reply till 1am last night! And then the reply was a strange one, it said: "Ta 4 txtin 2day shows how much u care! N thts obv not enuff! Ta 4 nothin, was u wiv ur girls lyk u will b 2moro?" She does not seem like the same girl as before she left. It's hurtful. This is the girl I've promised to marry, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, and she says things like tht?!

 
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