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Old 08-29-2005, 02:11 PM   #1
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marie13 HB User
big problems

My husband of 12 years is a drinker. I am not sure what constitutes an alcoholic but he doesn't go more than 24 hrs without a drink. This week he drank a bottle of wine and a bottle of brandy in one night at home, spent another day in the pub drinking on Saturday, spent all day in the pub today, and is going away for 2 nights to a conference where he will drink heavily. Basically today it all came to a head and I lost the plot. For years I have tried not to make an issue of it simply to keep the peace but tonight he said he was coming home at 7 to say goodbye to the kids before bed as he's going away and arrived two hours later very drunk. I just saw red and started hitting him... I feel awful...he says that because his drinking doesn't affect his job or make him violent its okay. I don't see it like that...I like a drink but I can have one or two, he seems unable to stop. I worry for his health and he just tells me I'm a nag and miserable...after tonight I don't see how we can recover from this. I don't know where to go from here....I know violence isn't the answer but he will not listen to my concerns however I put them to him. Any help out there?

 
Old 08-29-2005, 02:25 PM   #2
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Hiya HB User
Re: big problems

Quote:
Originally Posted by marie13
My husband of 12 years is a drinker. I am not sure what constitutes an alcoholic but he doesn't go more than 24 hrs without a drink. This week he drank a bottle of wine and a bottle of brandy in one night at home, spent another day in the pub drinking on Saturday, spent all day in the pub today, and is going away for 2 nights to a conference where he will drink heavily. Basically today it all came to a head and I lost the plot. For years I have tried not to make an issue of it simply to keep the peace but tonight he said he was coming home at 7 to say goodbye to the kids before bed as he's going away and arrived two hours later very drunk. I just saw red and started hitting him... I feel awful...he says that because his drinking doesn't affect his job or make him violent its okay. I don't see it like that...I like a drink but I can have one or two, he seems unable to stop. I worry for his health and he just tells me I'm a nag and miserable...after tonight I don't see how we can recover from this. I don't know where to go from here....I know violence isn't the answer but he will not listen to my concerns however I put them to him. Any help out there?
Unfortunately, in situations like yours, you really can't help an alcoholic unless and until he wants to be helped. There are several questions that substance abuse counselors ask to determine whether someone has a problem with alcohol. I can't remember all of them but some of them are:

Do you evern black out/lose time/not remember what you did the night before?


Do you ever drink alone?

Do you feel like you need a drink to be social?

One whole bottle of wine AND one whole bottle of brandy does seem to be quite a lot. Then to drink to the point of intoxication the next two days following that? Yes, I'd say if he's not a full blown alcoholic, he's quickly on his way. I'd say it's time to get friends and family involved. You might want to set up an intervention, where co-workers, friends and family confront him and tell him flat out that he has a problem and why and they don't let him leave the room until he agrees to get treatment. If he continues to refuse to acknowledge his problem, then you have a choice to make - either continue to live in a constant state of worry and aggravation wondering if tonight is the night he's going to kill himself or someone else driving home drunk or is this the day we find out he has serosis of the liver or some other health problem, or do you choose a more healthy, stable, peaceful lifestyle and leave him.

 
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Old 08-29-2005, 02:41 PM   #3
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thghtsreal HB User
Re: big problems

Marie: You are OK. He is an alcoholic and it is HIS problem. Now, the challenge is to rinse his problem out of your lifestyle so that you can have some sanity back in the life of you and your children

Please post this on the "Addiction and Recovery" Forum or ask the moderator to move it there for you. There are many knowledgeable and experienced people at that Forum who can give you solid helpful advice.

Good luck. You are not alone. Many people are suffering like you and there are answers.

 
Old 08-29-2005, 04:10 PM   #4
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Re: big problems

This is a BIG problem unfortunatly. I am a daughter of a recently deceased 57yr. man who did nothing but drink since I could remember. He passed away from liver & kidney failure which was caused by drinking. Not ONLY is it your husbands problem but it will soon be you & your kids as well. He may not be violent or acting outrageously different but if he continues to drink like he is, he will be cutting his life shorter. He needs to think about his kids watching a parent pass away from an illness that can't be prevented is hard but watching a parent slip away from an illness that they couldv'e prevented is unbearable. You blame yourslef for not getting them help and it's really is not your fault. Please try to suggest counseling. Also try pulling things off the web about kidney & liver failure and how its caused and lay it around where he can see it if he's not listening to you. If your kids are at a reading stage, of course, I dont suggest you lay articles around but make sure he understands the consequences w/his life & family.

Good Luck!!

 
Old 08-29-2005, 04:15 PM   #5
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: big problems

Al-Anon. They are wonderful. Go for a few meetings whether he goes to AA or not!
Also, do check out the Addiction & Recovery Board here as thghtsreal mentioned...
Ruth

 
Old 08-29-2005, 10:15 PM   #6
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marie13 HB User
Re: big problems

Answers to the three questions to determine an alcoholic are yes, yes, and yes. I don't even think he can recall the events of last night...I didn't sleep a wink, spent the night downstairs...he got up and left an hour ago without coming in to me. The guilt I feel is immense...if a man hit a woman like I hit him there would be uproar. I can't believe I did that. He just really doesn't think he has a problem...thankfully he never drinks and drives, and his drinking doesn't seem to worry the kids, obviously they see him have a drink but they are in bed by the time he's drunk. It's not every night but it's too often to be healthy. I won't see him now til Thursday so I have two days to stew in my misery...

 
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