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Old 08-30-2005, 04:00 AM   #1
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damselindistres HB User
relationship future

I was just wondering what people thought about relationships and long term plans. I have been dating my present bf for over a year now, he tells me how much he loves me, how pretty I am and how happy I make him. The only thing is that even though he says all these things when he talks about things in the future he does not talk about us together. The following is some examples:

when talking about places in Europe he'll ask me where I'd like to go, he will sometimes agree the place sounds interesting and says he'd like to go. But he'll never say things like we should go there together.

I knew that he's friends were getting engaged and I just wondered compared to us how long they had been together. We were talking about the fact that are anniversary was coming up then I asked him how long his friends who were getting engaged had been going out. He said a year and added v. abruptly (as if to finish the conversation) but I would not want to get engaged after a year.

Just wondering from the above if anyone else thinks this guy has commitment issues? Also he does not seems as crazy as he says about me. I feel he is feeding me lies and it just makes me feel like a mug, what does everyone else think?

 
Old 08-30-2005, 05:48 AM   #2
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netle HB User
Re: relationship future

Personally, I wouldn't want to get engaged after only one year of dating someone. You didn't specify how old you are but if you're young I don't see any reason why you would want to rush into marriage anyway.

Besides, you shouldn't get engaged just because some other couple got engaged after 1 year of dating. Do you think you might be a little jealous that the people around you seem to be getting married and you're not?

Based on what you've written, there's no way to tell if he has committment issues. The only way to find this out is to ask him his opinion on marriage and where he sees this relationship going. He's been with you for a year so I have to imagine he loves you otherwise he wouldn't be hanging around. If you care for him and you're happy in the relationship I don't see a problem.

 
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Old 08-30-2005, 06:00 AM   #3
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damselindistres HB User
Re: relationship future

Iam not thinking of marriage just yet, maybe in a couple of years time. Its just that I feel a bit used sometimes and I feel like he does not want to get to know me and is only after what he can get out of the relationship. Even though he tells me he loves me he's never said he likes spending time with me and moans when we go out b/c it means he spends money (he pays for himself), but yet he goes out with his friends and is o.k about spending money on that.

Its just that I feel in general that what he says and his action do not match up. Also I just wonder where the relationship is going considering that neither of us think it is for the long term.

 
Old 08-30-2005, 07:32 AM   #4
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portrgirl HB User
Re: relationship future

Quote:
Originally Posted by damselindistres
Its just that I feel in general that what he says and his action do not match up. Also I just wonder where the relationship is going considering that neither of us think it is for the long term.
There ya go. Neither of you think it's going to be long term, thus it won't be. So where is it going? No where.

You should feel good about the person you're seeing, especially if it's been a year. If you want a relationship where you see it leading to marriage or at least a long term committment, then go find someone who you can see that happening with. It doesn't sound like you're comfortable with the way you're being treated, and personally it doesn't sound like a relationship I'd want to be a part of.

If you're OK with having a casual boyfriend / date, then stick with this guy. I'd suggest that you break it off and free yourself up for the kind of relationship that you want / deserve.

 
Old 08-30-2005, 10:04 AM   #5
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Lilly10 HB User
Re: relationship future

Well it sounds as though he may not be that commited to the relationship. Your other half should not be complaining about going out some place with you because he has to spend some money. Do you feel good when he acts like this? I'm sure you don't so perhaps you do need to take some time to think about what you want. Its sounds like he may be a little more into his friends then you and perhaps it is his age. Im not saying breakup with the guy but just think about your needs and wants and take it from there!

 
Old 08-30-2005, 03:04 PM   #6
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greeneyes100 HB User
Re: relationship future

If he's been dating you for a year and still doesn't mention a future together, I doubt he is going to make a commitment at this time. If I were you, I would get busy doing other things for awhile and take a break from him. Next time he calls, tell him you are busy. Don't be quite so available. If you back off a little from the relationship, he might become afraid of losing you and make a commitment.

Are you sure you want to be committed to him? If so, I would do the above and tell him you want to date other men. See what his reaction is, and if he continues to be indifferent, I would move on. Good luck!

 
Old 08-30-2005, 03:13 PM   #7
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evy38 HB User
Re: relationship future

Quote:
Originally Posted by greeneyes100
If he's been dating you for a year and still doesn't mention a future together, I doubt he is going to make a commitment at this time. If I were you, I would get busy doing other things for awhile and take a break from him. Next time he calls, tell him you are busy. Don't be quite so available. If you back off a little from the relationship, he might become afraid of losing you and make a commitment.

Are you sure you want to be committed to him? If so, I would do the above and tell him you want to date other men. See what his reaction is, and if he continues to be indifferent, I would move on. Good luck!
EG give excellent advice, as always. I would just add, that it is always a good idea, no matter what age or sex you are, to know what your life goals are BEFORE you enter into a relationship. If for no other reason then, it provides a compass for you to measure whether or not your relationships are helping you get closer, or dragging you further, from your future. Otherwise it is possible to drift for years in a situtation you are unhappy with, simply because you've never figured out what you really want.

 
Old 08-30-2005, 04:02 PM   #8
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laurie864bla HB User
Re: relationship future

Totally true, Evy. Had to comment on that "you could drift for years" comment. I drifted for years in my marriage b/c I hadn't figured out what was really important to me. Shame, but true. Now I know what I want when I decide to settle back down, and it is NOTHING like my X.

Never again am I not going to have fun, be in some control of money, or have major passion in my relationship. Life is just too short. You also need to grow as your OWN person in the relationship--I just grew with him and my 'self' just stagnated. The previous posters gave good advice.

 
Old 08-30-2005, 10:35 PM   #9
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LoveLife8888 HB User
Lightbulb Re: relationship future

To Damselin... How old are you and how old is he?

If you are still in your 20's or early thirties I myself would want some FULL feedback after dating 2 yrs at the latest, otherwise if you don't you will end up in your 40's still dating the same guy.

Good luck.
I waited 2 yrs then my bf proposed, but over the 2 yrs we saw each other EVERY weekend (*not thru the week because we did not live close by to each other) and met each others friends and family. NO worry after only 1 yr unless you are 39 and never married and want kids eh?


 
Old 08-30-2005, 11:07 PM   #10
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Piranna65 HB User
Re: relationship future

maybe he was just worried that you were hoping for a ring soon. or maybe he's just a bit afraid of discussing things because he's a little 'uncertain' of how far he wants things to go as of yet.

I wouldnt worry about it honestly if he tells you how much he loves you and everything all the time i dont think you have to worry that he isnt saying "yeah we should go to that place in europe" thats not really important is it?

have you and your boyfriend ever mentioned marriage or anything? Like both discussed it?

 
Old 08-31-2005, 03:53 AM   #11
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damselindistres HB User
Re: relationship future

Thanks, its all good advice and has given me something to think about. Recently my bf realised that I was not happy and got the impression that I might leave him since then he has been a little more attentive. He also wants to talk about the problems between us (before he seemed uninterested when I tried to discuss anything). I think he may change yet.I even got him to buy me some flowers!!!(he's only done this once before).

Although there are a few problems. For example it is o.k for him to go out and see his friends without me but when I do the same thing he always says are n't I invited. I have invited him out a few times with me friends but sometimes its just nice to spend time with just your friends. I feel a bit claustrophobic as he hangs around me too much and always phones to check that Iam in. He also said that b/c I say I am going to see someone when I meet up with my friends it makes him feel jealous (I just wonder what this says about him).

 
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