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Old 08-30-2005, 11:45 AM   #1
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need advice on how to trust a husband after cheating.

i am new to this board. i am 22 (going on 23 in a few months), a student, wife, mom, and i work two jobs. i feel i need to talk to someone that could not be bias for knowing me or my situation. i will start by giving a recap of my life. i was an honor student with all the athletics and academics behind me in high school. i got with my huband, age 19, when i was 15. got pregant, had my daughter may of '99 and married september of "99. continued to go to full time school, and went straight to college after high school. my husband on the other hand was not as ambitious as i was, and held on to under paid, non insured employment up to this point. i began wanting things in life that i thought he could not provide so i started working two jobs to save, we were able to buy a house by the time i was 20, fully furnish it and buy a brand new car. at the time of me being 16-20 years old i admit now that my behavior was childish. isaw RED when iwas angry and something always got thrown, he was to blame for everything, and i screamed at the top of my lungs sometimes. i would tell my husband noone ever handed me a text book on how to learn how to be agood wife @ 16. keep in mind my husband is very sensitive, very, and he took all this and never raised his voice but never argued even to settle things. i did all the financing, and he never signed checks. besides that he was a great guy. last year dec. 2004, i decided to leave. i felt that he was to blame for me working so hard and if i had not done it we wouldn't have it so worked extra hard. he is very nonambitios, he settles for the small things in life, growing up poor he's living in luxury now, but i wanted more. so i left trying to prove a point that he couln't make it w/out my income and good pay. itried to prove that, but all he saw was that i could handle it on my own and i didn't need him. anyways i come back after 9 days,and i began a frriendship with a male at my job, but he lives about 200 miles from me and comes only for meetings. but one night my husband comes over my new apt. and my male friend is there. notihng was going on, but my husband made me pay for crimes i didnt commit. i then quit that job in a second and the chances of me seeing that friend were NEVER, and my husband goes back to an old job because he said he had to get two 2 jobs now that i left. when i come back he works at that job staring in Jan.2005. new people are there and he becomes friendly with a female there. and so it begins. in Jan we began getting phone calls and hang ups at my house, isee the same phone# on his cell phone, then he says it just a friend from work. that they only talk about work related issues, he's a security guard how much info is there? this lasts agood 2 months until they are talking on the phone everyday, right infront of me, i allowed this because at this point i was feeling so much guilt for leaving, and having a male friend, and i realized how much iloved him. and i felt i wanted to prove that i woulnt let anything get our marriage down, so i let it go on. then one time she stops by the house and he goes out to talk to her in her car, i am inside crying and he said i was overreacting. then out of the blue in feb. he wants to leave me and says he cant get over me leaving him. i cry and beg and my family talks to him so he stays. the phone calls die down, but i feel like somethings going on. they start again, but this time i check phone bills and he calls or she calls him right when he leaves the house and they talk during his commute. then another occasion i call his job, ask for him and they say hold on he's outside, i hear" (his name) it's your Honey!", and they come back to the phone and say " (friends name) he'll be right in!" he gets on the phone and i make him tell his coworker that its his wife not her. so now iguess everyone at there job knows about them, the next day all of a sudden he wants me and hes buttering up to me, and says he cant explain why she said that. he swears never to talk to her again, but that doesnt happen and i cut off our cell phones. i actually finally talk to her and she swears up and down shell not talk to him but insinuates something more is going on. it calms down for a couple of months. then two weeks ago he wants to leave again and claims to still be talking to her. he leaves and i take him back but now i cant trust him. he did admit that he was haviing sex with her. but i did not ask when,why, how, how many times, or any details. then i find her apt. key on his key chain i take it, as well as mine. he comes back that night asking for it claiming they ended it and she just wants her key back. i tell him let her fear and know the feeling of fear: fear of a burglur,intruder,a nd invader coming into your home and invading taking whats not theirs. any ways he leaves for about two days, iknow for a fact they wernt at her apt. at the same time, they work 12 hr shifts, and they work the oppposite shifts. he left a thurs and fri. by sat he was back home sleeping saying they ended it, and he was just there to wash up and shower, but i told him thats not possible because when you leave you leave! that moring i went to the beach and he was so sad, we hugged, but i left i know he was there all day.that same day i get info that the "other woman" put a restraining order on both my husband and i because we had her keys. by sunday i went to church, came home to change and he was stil there , we hugged,no owrds, just long tight hugging. that evening i went back home to change back into church clothes and he cleaned up the hoouse very very well. i had a smile, then i went to the bedroom and on the bed, made neatly, was an open bible witha letter and my necklace. he highlighted some verses on forgiveness and adultry, and claimed that the reason he had been trying to leave me was because the guilt of him having sex with that other woman. he admitted that he tried to keep throwing in my face me leavingand having a male friend in my face as long as he could, making that the reason he was leaving. he thought if he had told me the truth that i would leave him, so he tried to leave me first thinking not to hurt me by telling me the real truth: his guilt. by monday morning it was my daughters first day of 1st grade and he gets off at 6am, so i figured he wouldnt be there, but he showed up claiming hed come to feed the dogs!!yeah right. when he stepped in from the sliding door he grabbed me and hugged me claiming that he was sorry, and he knew he wasnt worthy to be taken back into our home. but at that time i wanted him back so bad. at that moment we decided to make it work and move forward. my question is : did i take him back because i was vulnerable because of the past few months when he was rejecting me and befriending the other woman or did he come back because she left him or gave him an ultimatum, or did they really end it because he said i love my wife too much. but i think had they not fought over the keys, he might still be over at her place. but the letter he wrote me did have alot of emotion, but the fact is had i not let him back in he would have not fought to keep me as i fought to keep him even while seeing his affair roll out right in front of my eyes? we did go to one church counceling session, but now i think he gets upset over me bringing it up, but i asked him to go and get std and hiv tested, and i feel like he's getting ver it faster than i am.i want to forget this, but i thought my husband would never be the type to cheat, is a cheater always a chetater or is their faith??

Last edited by prettyinpink2; 08-30-2005 at 02:01 PM. Reason: had to cut it short boss walked in

 
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Old 08-30-2005, 12:21 PM   #2
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netle HB User
Re: need advice on how to trust a husband after cheating.

I am probably not the best person to answer this, but here are my 2 1/2 cents nonetheless.

Being a mommy at 15 you had to grow up real fast and were fortunate enough to continue your education and make something of yourself. You probably had to work a little harder than most and you missed out on a lot of things. Perhaps this is where some of your anger comes from.

It sounds like you and your husband have been together at a young age and that seems to be working against you. Frankly, I don't see how you will be able to put the cheating behind you when it appears that it hasn't stopped.

You seem like you're very independent and I really don't understand what you see in this person. You say you love him, but why? What does he give you that nobody else can? Are you really in love or are you simply attached him because you've been together as young and for so long?

Maybe you should spend some time apart and see what else is out there.

 
Old 08-30-2005, 02:06 PM   #3
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Re: need advice on how to trust a husband after cheating.

i think if we spend time apart we only make ourselves vulnerable to outside influence and people. i know my husband has alot of blame, but i do have records of this woman calling our phone up to 9 times a day. recently he told me that he wants to get a new wedding ring, he lost his 2 years ago, and he looks into my eyes and apologizes and says he HONESTLY loves me. i hope to report back with good news.

 
Old 08-30-2005, 02:24 PM   #4
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Re: need advice on how to trust a husband after cheating.

Well, whatever happens I hope everything goes well.

Personally, I doubt this woman is calling 9 times a day without getting something in return. You need to change your phone number and he needs to never speak with her again in any form whatsoever.

No offense, but I assume he gave you the same line when he was cheating with this girl. So what makes it anymore honest now than it did then? Also, do you think there is anything convenient in the fact that when you were gone he had to work 2 jobs and now that you're back he can depend on you for support?

Last edited by Geek_Kittie; 08-30-2005 at 02:32 PM.

 
Old 08-30-2005, 02:46 PM   #5
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Re: need advice on how to trust a husband after cheating.

The thing about cheaters are, the only time they actually take a chance is the first time they cheat. They have no idea how their spouse will take it. They don't even know if it will destroy the marriage. Once their partner forgives and takes them back, cheaters know exactly what will happen the next time. There will be tears, yelling, some tension for a time but eventually the marriage will go on. It is a slap on the wrist and becomes a punishment worth taking.
I'm very sorry to say this, but if the girl is still calling, he is still cheating. After all, there has been no really good reason for him to stop. You are still with him. He still has a family and a homelife.

 
Old 08-30-2005, 03:37 PM   #6
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Re: need advice on how to trust a husband after cheating.

first of all good i give you tons of credit for being able to have a baby at 15 while finishing highschool and then going on to college and working 2 jobs to support your family!! i think he really did want to rub it in your face about having a guy friend and that you left him alone.....so i think while this was going on, he found a "rebound" girl and continued to see her even after you guys decided to work things out... hence the affair. as the saying goes..." he can have his cake and eat it too" he had the both of you and sadly probably would continue to see both of you without either you or her knowing. i know you have a daughter together and all and have been w him pretty much your whole life, but maybe you should break again and see if it is better that way and not let him seeing someone else influence you to come back. im thinking if she left him it is because she found out about you and then took the keys away from him. personally i would never take back a cheater but perhaps when you guys tried to work things out again, he couldve been upfront w you and said " listen, i was hurt while you left me and began seeing another girl " sounds like he is trying to prove his love but until you fully trust him and know that he is not w the other girl and has no desire to ever again, i would not forgive him. im glad hes man enough to admit his mistakes and apoligize and go to a counseling session....i hope he respects your wishes to get tested for diseases. i think you guys both wanted to see what else was out there but its only leading to problems and i hope your daughter doesnt have to face this issue w you guys. try to work it out, and dont leave and come back too many times cuz if you regret it every time then sooner or later it will be too late. just think of your marriage, your years together, and the daughter you created and learn to trust again and you will do fine. good luck xoxx

 
Old 08-31-2005, 08:47 AM   #7
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Re: need advice on how to trust a husband after cheating.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dsleik
first of all good i give you tons of credit for being able to have a baby at 15 while finishing highschool and then going on to college and working 2 jobs to support your family!! i think he really did want to rub it in your face about having a guy friend and that you left him alone.....so i think while this was going on, he found a "rebound" girl and continued to see her even after you guys decided to work things out... hence the affair. as the saying goes..." he can have his cake and eat it too" he had the both of you and sadly probably would continue to see both of you without either you or her knowing. i know you have a daughter together and all and have been w him pretty much your whole life, but maybe you should break again and see if it is better that way and not let him seeing someone else influence you to come back. im thinking if she left him it is because she found out about you and then took the keys away from him. personally i would never take back a cheater but perhaps when you guys tried to work things out again, he couldve been upfront w you and said " listen, i was hurt while you left me and began seeing another girl " sounds like he is trying to prove his love but until you fully trust him and know that he is not w the other girl and has no desire to ever again, i would not forgive him. im glad hes man enough to admit his mistakes and apoligize and go to a counseling session....i hope he respects your wishes to get tested for diseases. i think you guys both wanted to see what else was out there but its only leading to problems and i hope your daughter doesnt have to face this issue w you guys. try to work it out, and dont leave and come back too many times cuz if you regret it every time then sooner or later it will be too late. just think of your marriage, your years together, and the daughter you created and learn to trust again and you will do fine. good luck xoxx
well, thanks i need all the credit i can get. half way through your message i cried. i do love him, i know he loves me. he gave his two weeks notice at his job, id ont know if i mentioned that they worked together. this is his last week. he mentioned that she might be quitting too. but i told him i didnt care if she quit the day i found out because everyone there, including his boss, knew of their affair. and everyone their played me the fool and lied. they all disrespected me, like when i would take him lunch and take a little extra for his coworkers. i feel like i can get so angry at him, but then i feel sorry for him because when he dicided to leave me, i was crushed but I seemed to be handling it faster than him, on the outside i guess? i knew his guilt was eating at him, but i will not dwell on it like he did to me when i left. i want to look forward and not turn back. my daughter keeps saying "im so happy we're a family again!" i love her soo much, but i know i wouldn't stick with him to please her, because one day shell be grown and understand the difficulties of love. ha ! any ways if it counts for anything our sex life went from 3-9. i can't get him off me, i laugh because i actually am just as horny as he is, it feels to me like when we first started, cloud nine. i know that only lasts so long, but feels good any way considering before he wouldnt even acknowledge my presence. i think he would get angry with me because of his guilt, or maybe caus he coulnt just be with her. i dont know, have no clue, but i know ill try my hardest and do my part. and if it doesnt work out then i know i can get through it, if it doesnt involve the "other woman." that pain is unbearable, i can take the pain of a seperation but i cant take him with her. thanks again for yuour input, its helped me so much.

 
Old 08-31-2005, 09:46 AM   #8
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Re: need advice on how to trust a husband after cheating.

You are a responsible and successful mom, business woman, adult, and wife. He's not being supportive or a team member. On top of it, he's lying about cheating, then making up excuses for wanting to leave to live with her. Wouldn't a guilty conscience lead one to stay with one's wife and not leave?? Your entire account looks like a 3 ring circus, and he's justifying dragging you into it. I would definitely take action to emphasize that you're not to be reckoned with, especially since you have more mature things to deal with...like being an adult.
I also wouldn't deal with this other woman anymore. The whole thing with the key just looks like another blatent disregard for your feelings and sanity.

Definitely follow your heart, but don't let this nonsense go on anymore. Whatever it takes. And be honest with yourself about where these things will lead if you keep giving chances. Any man would die for an asset like yourself... and he should appreciate that 100%, without being luke warm.

 
Old 08-31-2005, 11:06 AM   #9
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Re: need advice on how to trust a husband after cheating.

thanks. that really boosts my self esteem. today after work i am going to walk in and tell him my feelings. i dont know what i want to hear at this point, just him being home is good enough. i will urge him lookign for the next job and be as optmistic as possible. after reading these messages, i feel like i can conquer anything, whoever thought of message boards though up a great idea, doctors i bet!! sometimes friends and family's advice can be bias, nonrealistic, and maybe to sugarcoated because they take your feelings into consideration. i can only thank you gyuys for the greaty advice, and only hope that soon i will be able to give my own! xoxo

 
Old 08-31-2005, 11:36 AM   #10
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Re: need advice on how to trust a husband after cheating.

glad youre feeling a little better!!!! what you stated in your post #7 i dont think could be handled any better than what you are planning! i think that by him quitting his job will have a huge positive impact on your future together because that job does nothing good for you as a couple!! i hope you can move on together now that he wont have to deal w facing the "other girl" every day and worry what comments his rude and immature coworkers are saying behind your back while they are mooching off of you. that is so adorable that your daughter said shes happy youre a family again, it proves that she really does love both her parents togehter. *******You are so right about not staying w him because of her, because i see thats a huge mistake for people in the long run and just makes things worse. im glad you know you can be a strong person w/out him and still love your daughter unconditionally and youre right, dont settle for him seeing her. glad youre sex life is on cloud 9 again!! haha (youre too funny) but make sure that isnt the focus of your relationship right now. i give you credit for not dwelling on it too and trying to move on w him in your life, but let him know that you want to be w him and him to prove youre the only one he loves ( which i think youre doing) hope things get tons better!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah the boards is a good place to get advice!!! and everyone is so great about helping!! keep me posted and take care!!! xoxox, stacey

 
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