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Old 08-31-2005, 04:49 AM   #1
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eaglesgirl37 HB User
best dating advice?

Hi everyone ,

Since there are so many wise people here who offer wonderful advice about dating and relationships, I wondered if you'd be willing to share the best tips (or relationship advice books) you've encountered? I thought it would be nice if we could put all our most helpful suggestions and input about dating and romance in one place. There are so many great advice scattered all over various threads, but as someone feeling kind of clueless about being newly single and dating again, I'd love to be able to refer to the best advice you have to offer all in one thread! One book I found extremely helpful that I think might have helped avert a lot of the problems that pop up here is "He's Just Not That Into You." I'll give it some thought and try to remember the best dating tips and advice I've gotten and post again later, but I'd be really interested in what other people have found valuable in the meantime! Thanks and happy dating everyone!

 
Old 08-31-2005, 06:56 AM   #2
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SophiaM HB User
Re: best dating advice?

What, are you saying that the book "Why Men Love Witches" didn't cover it ALL for you????

 
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Old 08-31-2005, 07:41 AM   #3
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heartlandguy HB User
Re: best dating advice?

I have three of John Gray's Mars/Venus books and think highly of them.

BTW... I think somone posted that John Gray has been married 3/4 times. Relationships must be like football... the best coaches often aren't the best players and vice versa.

 
Old 08-31-2005, 12:29 PM   #4
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greeneyes100 HB User
Re: best dating advice?

Yes, Heartland, I also love John Gray's books. He also has a booked called "Venus and Mars on a DAte". It was excellent reading and has a lot of useful information. So, if you haven't read that one Stacey, try it.

I think when people have several failed relationships, they learn a lot from them. Hence, all of John Gray's books. He is just writing down what he learned.

I read in one of his first books that he went back to an old girlfriend who he was afraid to commit to when he was younger (although he was very much in love with her). After a decade or so, he looked her up again and she was single and also divorced. They ended up marrying. I don't know if she is still his wife or not.

Personally, I don't think any relationship is a failed relationship; but, rather, a learning experience and chance for growth.

 
Old 08-31-2005, 09:01 PM   #5
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dsleik HB User
Re: best dating advice?

Hi stacy, it's funny that you mentioned that book " hes just not that into you" because when i clicked on your thread that was what i was going to recommend...is that book. i have never read it but have heard alot about it and watched the dr phil episode about the book and it seems to help people out!!! so good advice you gave!! i also think it is important to take a relationship one day at a time and not jump into the seriousness too fast before you get to know someone. dont plan the future, just go w the flow of things. good luck to you!!!!!!

 
Old 09-01-2005, 06:18 AM   #6
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LittleRose1982 HB User
Re: best dating advice?

I just started a long post praising the book "Why Men Love Witches", but I erased it. While I think it's a brilliant book that teaches women how to stand up for themselves to get what they want, I don't necessarily think any book can give perfect advice. There are so many! And all are great, so take bits and pieces from each. But here are my tidbits...

Listen to him. Make eye contact. Smile a lot. Laugh a lot. Try new things. Only have a drink if he does. Be easy going- don't complicate your dinner order. Keep conversation light, up-beat, and about YOU and HIM on the first date (no talk of ex's or serious issues in your life). If you had a good time, don't be afraid to tell him. And don't be afraid to ask when you can do it again. You have every right to know.
When he asks you out again, don't lie and say you already have plans if you don't, just for the sake of appearing to have a rockin' social life. Nothing is worse than that. Be honest. Always be honest.
Cook something for him. Do little things that send a big message (picking up his favorite candy bar on the way over to see him).
Keep your eyes open for red flags right away, and keep track of them: Anything that suggests he just wants to sleep with you, anything that suggests he has a girlfriend already, signs he's a crazy jealous man, etc... Make a mental note. I don't trust people until they prove they can be trusted. And I look at things outside their personality traits to determine if I can trust them (integrity of his family and friends). Also, never underestimate the power of your own intuition. It will tell you if you can trust. Until you know you can trust him, keep track of those red flags and don't be afraid to ask questions.

All in all, just be honest and watch your back. Don't get too carried away until you know it's safe to (meaning he's just as into you as you are into him... and you KNOW IT). Go into it without expectations- that way you won't be let down if it's bad and you'll be blown away if it's good! Trust your own intuition. Stand up for yourself. Show him you're strong. Give in when he starts giving in.
And most importantly, don't EVER let a guy get an impression of you that isn't accurate!! You will have to maintain it for the life of the relationship, therefore you will either doom the relationship or doom yourself!!

Hope some of this helps!

 
Old 09-01-2005, 07:09 AM   #7
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Not dating, but breakup advice...and great stuff!!

This helped me out tremendously in getting over my last boyfriend (sorry its so long!)...

Most people have relationships in their past that didn't work. Many people have one such relationship that is very hard to let go of. This is the one that got away, but shouldn't have. This is the one that felt as if it was meant to be. This is the one that felt like true love. This type of a relationship and how to finally let it go will be covered in today's two-part article. When your partner was at his best, he met all of your needs. He was the perfect fit for you. If he could be the way he was with you 100% of the time, rather then just a fraction of the time, you would be in the relationship still. The times he was everything you needed are hard to let go of. You have been looking for this kind of a match all of your life. Here was a person who could meet your needs the way you have always wanted. You knew he could, because he had. But he wouldn't. You wanted to make him, to force him, to remind him, to talk him into it. You did everything possible to make him be the way you wanted 100% percent of the time. You probably asked him to go to therapy. You used all of the tricks in the book to evoke the behaviors you wanted.

Finally you left the relationship. You knew you deserve better than just some fraction of what you wanted. But the attachment to your ex-partner lingers. It lingers because you never succeeded in making him or her fulfill your needs completely. It feels as if you failed. You feel that somehow not getting what you wanted was your fault. If you were only good enough your ex-partner would give you the love you wanted, all of the time. After all, he or she did give it to you some of the time. It is not easy to move onto another relationship after such an experience. It is not easy to attract love, or give your heart to someone new. It is hard to belive you will have such love and passion with anyone else. At the same time, it is hard to trust that you will somehow avoid hurt the next time around.

One of the things that keeps you hooked into the old relationship is anger. Let's talk about the anger that arises when someone has something you want but won't give it to you. As far as you can see, it would be very simple for him or her. It may look like he or she is not doing what you want for no reason, just to be difficult, or to spite you. How do you feel in this kind of a situation? Most people would feel very angry, and justifiably so. But, anger is a way to stay connected to someone, albeit not a positive way. Anger is one reason you may have difficulty letting go of your past relationship.

There is also another reason why it's hard to let go of the relationship that got away. The person you were in love with truly had great qualities. With him you truly had an incredible connection. Maybe he loved you intensely. He may still love you. The only problem in the relationship was that he could only treat you well part of the time. The rest of the time, he or she acted hurtfully towards you.It is very difficult to throw away this type of connection. And more difficult still when you interact with the wonderful, caring side of him or her. Having to walk away from such a relationship can be the hardest thing you ever do. Even when you walk away it may still pull at your heart. It is so much easier to let go of someone when it is clear he doesn't care about you. It may even be easier to let go of someone that dies, because there is nothing that can be done. But to let go of someone that is well and alive and loves you is an incredible task. Yet let go you must if your partner is not willing to meet your needs. If you are ever to be fulfilled in any relationship, you must let go completely of this past partner. So, how do you do this? How do you let go of the living, breathing partner who may love you, or whom you may love, and yet who is not good for you? How do you let go of the one who seems to have been the one?

There was love on both sides, at least in the beginning. Unfortunately, your partner was loving only part of the time. The rest of the time, he was hurtful and damaging. The relationship is behind you, but you are still having trouble letting go emotionally. The question is how do you let go of the living, breathing partner who you love and yet who is not good for you? The first step is to understand that your partner would have given you the moon and the stars if he could. Even when he appeared to be holding back or hurting you on purpose, he was always doing the best he could. Understand that he never intentionally hurt you. On the most basic level, humans function in survival mode. Those who feel their survival is threatened will respond accordingly. This is a subconscious behavior. Unless there is abuse, it is very rare that one's survival is threatened in a relationship.However, when you push your partner's buttons, he may go into survival mode and retaliate to protect himself. He may hurt you tremendously, and yet he is doing the best he can. Choosing healthy partners is in part choosing partners who have learned they don't need to be in survival mode in a relationship.

To let go of your past relationship, forgive your ex, forgive yourself, and understand that his behavior was not your fault. Understand that all of his behaviors comprise all of his person. Sometimes he was wonderful and sometimes he was horrible. And all of the time he was who he is. There is no way you could only have his good side. His bad side was hurtful. End of story. Let your ex off the hook.

Secondly, do something to honor and cherish the true connection between the two of you. In fact, you may need to honor that connection for a long time. There was a wonderful part of him, a loving and nurturing part. There was love for you, there may still be love for you. You may always love that part of your ex. How do you honor the connection to your ex? Honor your love and connection in prayer, in your heart, in your thoughts, and in your actions. Use the gift of the connection as an inspiration to find more of that kind of love in your future partners. Send thoughts of peace, healing, and joy to your ex whenever thoughts of your past relationship cross your mind. Whenever you miss him, send him love.

In these ways you can still love him, while keeping your distance and protecting yourself from his hurtful behavior. You may be hesitant to do the above. You may be afraid that it will make you go back into the relationship with your ex. But understand I am not saying your ex-partner will change and become more of what you wanted. Most likely, he will remain exactly how he is, at least as far as you are concerned. The reason for honoring your connection is not to somehow bring your ex partner back. Instead, by honoring the good of the relationship, you become free of anger you feel towards him.

By honoring the gifts he did give you, instead of focusing on what he did not give you, you will begin to feel peace and gratitude. Over time, freeing yourself of anger at your ex will give you the ability to attract and create the extraordinary relationship you want, with someone else.

 
Old 09-01-2005, 07:25 AM   #8
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angelblue65 HB User
Re: best dating advice?

Daria74...........

W O W

I had to wait for the tears to subside before I could actually type a response. I cannot tell you how well-timed your post is for me. I guess when a thread is started on dating advice, it unfortunately has to include the downsides as well.

I do not want to turn this thread into anything negative so I will keep this brief but I am experiencing the very thing you just spoke of. I am learning that it is the most painful thing on this Earth to walk away from Love. And every single word in your post spoke to me in the deepest depths of my heart.

I am saving it to read and re-read because my biggest fear is what was spoken - in that I will never be able to find the love and happiness I experienced when things were good with this man. I will love him with my last breath but I cannot be with him.

Thank you for sharing that with all of us.

 
Old 09-01-2005, 07:28 AM   #9
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greeneyes100 HB User
Re: Not dating, but breakup advice...and great stuff!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by daria74

By honoring the gifts he did give you, instead of focusing on what he did not give you, you will begin to feel peace and gratitude. Over time, freeing yourself of anger at your ex will give you the ability to attract and create the extraordinary relationship you want, with someone else.
Excellent post! I truly believe when people let go of the their anger toward an ex, and toward themselves, they are finally able to move on.

Practicing forgiveness is really to your benefit, not the other person's.

 
Old 09-01-2005, 08:28 AM   #10
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gamecock360 HB User
Re: best dating advice?

Daria....wow!!!!!
I in the past months parted with someone I loved deeply and we had a bit of connection. Unfortunately his loved turned into friendship and we have parted ways. He has found that connection with someone else.

However, I have been doing the things you posted and it has greatly helped me. I have healed tremendously and am now able to talk to him as a friend and be a sounding board for the little things in life like car trouble or exwife trouble. We don't talk often but when we do you can tell we still care for each other as friends.

Your advice is wonderful and will tend to past it along to my friends!!

 
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